I hope you're all doing well. I wanted to write a post about what I've learned about myself during my weight loss, subsequent weight gain, my eating disorder, and my journey to lose again. I've learned a lot about myself during the last year, and I'd like to share...
My desire to lose weight:
I've been lying to myself all of these years. I always maintained that I wanted to lose weight to please myself, but that is simply not true. I wanted to loose weigh mainly because of how others perceived me.
Last year sometime I lost about 25 pounds, and I loved how I looked, and I loved how everyone else said I looked. I loved wearing the tight clothes. I loved hearing "OMG you look so good/ you look so sexy" from the women around me. I kind of liked (lol) the attention from guys, the lingering look they would give me when I was decked out in a new outfit and wearing a ton of make up. I ate it all up. My friends posted updated pictures on Facebook (which showed off my new body), and I got tons of compliments. I felt sexy. I felt beautiful. For once in my life, I felt a little bit more worthy than I ever had (my self-esteem didn't go up that much, as you can see). Either way, it was great. I felt on top of the world!
Things came crashing down when I gained those 25 pounds back, and I found myself feeling embarrassed whenever I was around those same people who complimented me before. My mother and my sister commented negatively on my weight gain, my cute clothes couldn't fit me anymore, and I had to go but "fat clothes". I felt disgusting. In place of compliments, I got people scanning my body, but saying nothing. I felt like crap. I didn't want to see anyone, I avoided my friends, I was supposed to go on vacation with my same friends who posted pictures on Facebook (we all live in different states), but I'm embarrassed to see them, and I am embarrassed about the pictures that will surely go on Facebook. To make matters worse, I had to cut off all of my hair, because it wasn't growing properly, so that further took away from my self esteem. Things weren't looking good for me.
The re-emergence of my eating disorder
I am a compulsive eater/ binge eater/ emotional eater/ etc. I don't know what I am, but I have a problem.
I hit a plateau at 168 pounds, and that triggered my messed up eating pattern.
I couldn't budge from 168, and I set my calorie goal down to 1,200 a day. After a few days of not being able to maintain such a low goal, I started to mentally give up whenever I would go over (even the tiniest bit) and binge eat. Everyday was the same thing "Ugh I messed up, I'll start again tomorrow". I gained a few pounds, and I didn't think much of it. "I'll lose it again in no time"! Eventually, I realized I gained 8 pounds. "Oh, no! I'd better do something about this". I panicked. I went to my psychologist, and she said to eat more protein. That didn't help, seeing as I was a vegan at the time, and it wasn't as easy for me to just go eat more chicken, or whatever. Anyway, I didn't want to eat more, I wanted to eat less. Nothing she said helped me. I eventually gained back 25 pounds even while seeing her.
Food was the only thing I could think about. I felt like I was in my own personal ****. No one knew how bad it was. I tried to talk to my mom about it one day, and she called me "pathetic". No one understood, and when they did understand, they couldn't help me. I felt, and still feel, stuck. I stopped being vegan and ate everything in sight.
I read self help books, I saw other specialists, I tried to get help online, but nothing helped.
I still counted calories, which, unfortunately, made things worse for me. I tried going vegan again, I tried eating when I was hungry, I tried not thinking about food, I tried, what felt like everything, but nothing seemed to help me. I ate until I was uncomfortably full, I ate when I wasn’t the slightest bit hungry, I ate foods that I didn’t even like because I wasn’t sure whether or not I really liked them. I ate sugar like a fiend.
My relationship with food was/is so screwed up.
I’m a mess.
However, I can’t live my life like this, so I reflected, and looked at the things that helped/hindered me.
What I’ve learned about my relationship with food/ my triggers and what helps me
My triggers
- Calorie counting is a big trigger for me, unfortunately. What bothers me is that I feel as if I can’t control whether or not I’m at a deficit without counting calories, so I keep going back, but it is something that definitely triggers me.
- Feeling fat/ugly- If I feel fat I eat to feel better.
- Weighing myself- I binge whether I’m losing or gaining weight. The scale is an issue for me. The issue is that I don’t know if I’m losing if I don’t weight myself.
- Meal times- as in it’s breakfast time, lunch time, snack time, etc. I’m not in touch with my hunger cues whatsoever.
- Being around certain people- my sister, for example, is a trigger for me. I just feel like eating when I’m around her and her kids.
- My anxiety- If I feel anxious, I eat. I’m on medication right now for my anxiety, but I may need a higher dose, because I’m still struggling. In the medication’s defense, it has helped me a bit, and it is only the second week I’m on it.
- Being sleepy- If I’m tired I try to eat foods that will give me a boost, like sugar.
- Feeling out of control- Basically, if I feel like I can’t control a situation, I’ll connect it back to my food, and I’ll eat. I can control what I eat, so I eat to feel in control, I suppose.
- Being angry- anger makes me eat.
- Feeling depressed- If I feel like crap, I convince myself that food will make me feel better.
- Sugar- Sugar makes me binge like crazy!
- People being mean to me/ making snide comments- people’s opinions bother me.
- Cravings-
- A prior day’s binge- this makes it easier for me to continue to binge.
- Any physical pain
What helps me
- Cutting out sugar (this helps a lot!)
- Making sure I can control what’s going on around me/ Things going smoothly around me.
-Controlling my anxiety
- Getting a lot of rest (this is hard, because my medication makes me sleepy all day!)
- Not caffeine
-Not being in the diet mentality
-Exercise
- Having a good day before me
- Feeling attractive gives me motivation.
- Eating “whole” foods
- Eating a semi-large amount of food at a time (so eating 2-3 large meals a day rather than 6 small ones). Eating until I’m “full”, rather than “satisfied”
- Eating carbs
-Planning out my meals (this is a double-edged sword, because it can feel like a diet if I’m not too careful.
-Drinking water
-Yoga
What else I’ve realized
- I don’t fast food as much as I thought I did! Hamburgers and fries don’t do it for me like they used to, and it’s ok for me to stop eating them/ only eat them when I really want to. I do, however, love pizza.
- Event though I’m lactose intolerant, it doesn’t necessarily make me “greedy” for wanting to eat food with cheese in it. Admittedly, I’ll feel better if I don’t eat it, but in the end, that decision is up to me.
- I do eventually want to become a vegan again, but it’s just not feasible for me right now. When I do decide to do it, it will be because of the right reasons and not just to lose weight, and that’s ok.
- I can stop eating candy and other foods with a lot of sugar in them, because they really do have a bad effect on my well-being and not just my weight. And you know what? That’s ok too.
- I don’t have to be skinny to be attractive. Accepting myself doesn’t mean that I have to accept my body being the way that it currently is. To me, it means that I continue to try and make healthy decisions, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have room for improvement. I want my body to be healthy, and I know I have tons of room for improvement. I’m going to try and normalize my eating as much as I can, and I can see that this will be a journey.
- The only rule I’ll have with regard to my eating is to not eat a lot of processed sugar. I have no more rules for my eating, and when I get tempted to implement some, I’ll read this post again.
In a way, I’m grateful for this journey, because it has taught me a lot about myself. It has taught me that I needed improvements in other areas of my life. Most importantly, it has showed me that I am more than my weight. I will continue to try and control my binge eating.
I like that I identified these triggers, and I may want to create an action plan to combat any of these triggers when they arise. I'm going to write down whenever I have these triggers and then I'll write down what I did to combat them.
Thank you for whomever read this super long post. Honestly, it was very cathartic to write this all out. You all form an amazing community, and I'm glad to be a part of it.
Thank-you for sharing! This is just a fabulous post!!! I'm guessing I am a few decades older than you and only in the last year or so began to learn some of these things. Congrats for early wisdom
My big mistake was trying to push my body below its comfortable limit, because of a preset number of what I thought I should weigh. I had already reached a comfortable wt where I looked & felt great, got those compliments, had an easy time maintaining. But I felt I should be lower, and once I tried to do that, all of the disordered eating came in. I see this going on all the time--some of it imo is the cookie cutter approach to choosing an ideal weight. Ideal wt is in reality a messy individual number. It's no wonder we turn to standards that do not fit our unique makeup.
I don't know if this will help you, but for me, cognitive behavioral therapy for my anxiety literally turned my life around. I took an 8 week class on CBT for anxiety, and I went from a complete mess who spent every evening sobbing to myself and rarely left the house to a pretty contented person...not that I don't still have trouble with anxiety at all, but it's not *crippling* anymore, which has allowed me to make bigger strides with weight loss than ever before, without tears.
I hope you are able to find some contentment as well, anxiety is an awful, awful thing. :/
Chaselove, that was a really powerful post. Thank you. Like Sundove, I've probably got a few decades on you and I'm just now starting to figure out what works for me, what doesn't work and most important - the why of it all.
Congratulations for acknowleging IMO the biggest piece of the puzzle - the mindset of it all.
You read and hear a lot about how people diet and put the weight back on. Or talk about "dieting" but never really do it. My own personal belief is that this happens because we have't really figured out what created the weight issue in the first place. Also, that we try to take a plan that works for someone else and try to make it work for us. We all have different lifestyles, food preferences, emotional and energy needs and there's just no One Size Fits All plan that works for everyone long term. Might work for a few months - but real life kicks in and we flounder because what we were doing never really fit our life.
Like you, I've been on a journey of discovery. Honestly it's been more about my life in general - but I've come to realize that some issues have impacted my eating and feeling about food and my weight more than I've realized.
I am demand resistant. I've been told my entire life I'm stubborn and it's been a bit of a joke with people who know me. My reality is though that when I'm told what I should be doing by someone else or I have a perception of pressure or of an expectation, I rebel. I've resisted or failed on "diets" because I felt that I didn't measure up to what I was supposed to do. It's a bit of a perfectionism thing.
I've done fairly well the past couple years. But mid-2015 some major changes happened and I've realized that my eating has changed along with it. Wants have become shoulds - and I rebel and do just the opposite. Or, I do what I "should do" then reward myself. I've been stalled in the same 5 lb range for at least 6 months. Thankfully i haven't gained - but I know that if I keep doing what I'm doing now, a gain is only a matter of time.
Thank you again for the reminder that what we eat is important - but why we're eating it and how we're feeling about it is maybe even MORE important.
My best wishes to you on your action plan - and the implementation of it!
Thank-you for sharing! This is just a fabulous post!!! I'm guessing I am a few decades older than you and only in the last year or so began to learn some of these things. Congrats for early wisdom
My big mistake was trying to push my body below its comfortable limit, because of a preset number of what I thought I should weigh. I had already reached a comfortable wt where I looked & felt great, got those compliments, had an easy time maintaining. But I felt I should be lower, and once I tried to do that, all of the disordered eating came in. I see this going on all the time--some of it imo is the cookie cutter approach to choosing an ideal weight. Ideal wt is in reality a messy individual number. It's no wonder we turn to standards that do not fit our unique makeup.
Wishing you continued success and happiness!
Thank you so much! I'm 23 lol!
Quote:
My big mistake was trying to push my body below its comfortable limit, because of a preset number of what I thought I should weigh.
This is it EXACTLY! It's so crazy to look back at old pictures of me and not be content with how I was at the time. Writing this reply actually made me think of something that I miss even more than my skinnier body: I totally miss the fact that I was finally OK with food. I wasn't fighting. I was happy. I ate what I wanted, and I lost weight. I was so content with who I was when food didn't punctuate my life. =/ I guess we really don't know what we have until we lose it!
I also agree with you about the whole cookie-cutter approach. One size doesn't fit all. This also makes me think about the fact that I tried to force myself to lose weight the same exact way I lost it before. I failed to consider the fact that before was different. I had a "healthier" (I still use that term loosely) relationship with food, and I wasn't necessarily trying to live up to the same thing I'm trying to live up to now. Things were different, and I need to accept that.
Thank you so much for your reply. I really appreciate it.
I don't know if this will help you, but for me, cognitive behavioral therapy for my anxiety literally turned my life around. I took an 8 week class on CBT for anxiety, and I went from a complete mess who spent every evening sobbing to myself and rarely left the house to a pretty contented person...not that I don't still have trouble with anxiety at all, but it's not *crippling* anymore, which has allowed me to make bigger strides with weight loss than ever before, without tears.
I hope you are able to find some contentment as well, anxiety is an awful, awful thing. :/
Hey! I appreciate your reply!
Yes, anxiety is a beast! I'm currently in individual therapy and group therapy, but somehow I don't feel as if it's working.
I'm currently on 10mg of Lexapro, but I feel as if it's effects wear off late afternoon, and I thought it would help me more with the binge eating. I'm still pretty anxious though. It took the edge off, but I may just need a higher dose.... to be fair, I've only been on it for about 2 weeks now, so I'm not sure if this is temporary or if it'll get better later on.
I'll look for a CBT class, because I think it would be beneficial for me.
Chaselove, that was a really powerful post. Thank you. Like Sundove, I've probably got a few decades on you and I'm just now starting to figure out what works for me, what doesn't work and most important - the why of it all.
Congratulations for acknowleging IMO the biggest piece of the puzzle - the mindset of it all.
You read and hear a lot about how people diet and put the weight back on. Or talk about "dieting" but never really do it. My own personal belief is that this happens because we have't really figured out what created the weight issue in the first place. Also, that we try to take a plan that works for someone else and try to make it work for us. We all have different lifestyles, food preferences, emotional and energy needs and there's just no One Size Fits All plan that works for everyone long term. Might work for a few months - but real life kicks in and we flounder because what we were doing never really fit our life.
Like you, I've been on a journey of discovery. Honestly it's been more about my life in general - but I've come to realize that some issues have impacted my eating and feeling about food and my weight more than I've realized.
I am demand resistant. I've been told my entire life I'm stubborn and it's been a bit of a joke with people who know me. My reality is though that when I'm told what I should be doing by someone else or I have a perception of pressure or of an expectation, I rebel. I've resisted or failed on "diets" because I felt that I didn't measure up to what I was supposed to do. It's a bit of a perfectionism thing.
I've done fairly well the past couple years. But mid-2015 some major changes happened and I've realized that my eating has changed along with it. Wants have become shoulds - and I rebel and do just the opposite. Or, I do what I "should do" then reward myself. I've been stalled in the same 5 lb range for at least 6 months. Thankfully i haven't gained - but I know that if I keep doing what I'm doing now, a gain is only a matter of time.
Thank you again for the reminder that what we eat is important - but why we're eating it and how we're feeling about it is maybe even MORE important.
My best wishes to you on your action plan - and the implementation of it!
Thanks for your reply!
I agree with you and Sundove about the one-size-fits-all diet plan. It doesn't work for everyone, and when it fails, you feel like a failure. I've tried eating 1,200 of "healthy" food, and it doesn't work for me anymore. I tried eating the 1,200 calories of whatever foods I want, and that doesn't work. I tried eating 1,400, 1,500, 1,600, etc., but nothing is working for me this time. I tried eating at certain times. I've tried the "'I'm not on a diet' diet", but at the end of the day, I'm doing what everyone else says I'm supposed to do vs. what I need to do.
I've realized that some issues impact my eating as well. For example, I just saw on Facebook that some of my friends went on a trip without me, and I feel left out. Automatically, my mind went into "diet mode", which is me thinking that I need to eat less and exercise, so I can lose weight. To me, losing weight and feeling skinny will make me feel good right now. Eating less will make me feel good right now... what's weird is that I end up doing the exact opposite, and I'll start binge eating instead! (OMG! I wonder if deep down I feel like binge eating will hurt my "friends", and maybe that's why I do it... interesting). Anyway, yea, life really impacts my eating a lot. I guess the answer is to deconstruct every positive and negative event and work through it....
I fall into the "should" and "shouldn't" traps too... Things are definitely more complicated than just not eating the "wrong" foods and just eating the "right" ones. Feelings play a much larger role than people like to give them credit for.
Wow. Thanks so much. Your response allowed me to work through some stuff that I didn't really give a lot of thought to....
Quote:
I've done fairly well the past couple years. But mid-2015 some major changes happened and I've realized that my eating has changed along with it. Wants have become shoulds - and I rebel and do just the opposite. Or, I do what I "should do" then reward myself. I've been stalled in the same 5 lb range for at least 6 months. Thankfully i haven't gained - but I know that if I keep doing what I'm doing now, a gain is only a matter of time.
Also, yes be weary about this. This is kind of how it started for me, but in a much smaller time span. I don't really know how to help you out of this rut, but you acknowledging it is a BIG part.
Hi chaselove! I am much like you in terms of binging in response to stress. You are right that changing what you eat will not actually change this behavioral aspect of your binging. It is important to tackle the stress above all.
Those of us who are stres eaters can really identify with the desire to binge in response to stress. When you see something on Facebook that upsets you you do a very illogical yet easy thing to do -> blame your weight. I've done that too, its a form of escapism to be honest. You're making weight the scapegoat. Do you really believe your friends didn't invite you along because of your weight? If they did, don't you think it's shallow? Do you think the correct way to deal with this is by
A. Losing weight
B. Confronting your friends and asking them why you weren't invited?
C. Binging for self comfort
D. Getting new friends.
Just something to think about. It's just interesting that when something goes wrong in our lives that we can always have something to blame - weight. Is that really worth it? Is it really even true? Do you treat your friends differently based on how much they weigh or is it just yourself? The point I'm trying to make here is that by zeroing in on your weight you are deliberately ignoring the real problem. Maybe you think you think that weight is something you can control whereas you don't have any control over people on Facebook. By losing weight you think you can control how others see you and treat you but in reality this is not true either. I know plenty of skinny folks that have big time problems who are not happy, so losing weight really is not a fix it all for your life.
It seems obvious to me that you have some grasp on intuitive eating principles. However, I think you could benefit a lot from relieving yourself of some of the stressors in your life,
Like Facebook! I know what it's like to be addicted to it. Every time I saw a picture of someone on a tropical island I would feel awful about my body (I look fat in a bathing suit) my life (nobody has invited ME to go on vacation with!) and my job (why can't I afford to go on a trip)? For us stress eaters it is so easy to turn this anxiety into a binge.
I'm learning to take better care of myself. I've removed The Facebook app from my phone. I still check in via computer once or twice a day but when it was on my phone is be on Facebook 100 times a day! It was too much and now that I have a reprieve from it I realize how harmful it was to me to see perfect lives a 100 times a day and how bad it made me feel. Life is not on face book- truth!!'
Stop fantasizing how great your life would be if only you were thin. Go out and live your life now, make it what you want it to be now! You're done punishing yourself. This is the only way to move forward, by focusing on the weight you will always be stuck and unhappy. Go on vacation now! Buy your dream outfit now at your current size. Go out dancing, post a photo of yourself looking happy now! Squash your negative thoughts and build up your esteem as you are. You are the real you right now, love yourself as you are now and some of your anxieties will subside naturally! Best of luck and get rid of Facebook, you will thank yourself in the long run!
Self-discovery re weight loss
