I'm 28 years old and I have been overweight my entire life. My journey has taken me through a lot of ups and downs, but I'll stick with the relevant details. At 5'5" I have spent most of my adult life in the 160-170 range, with my goal weight being around 120-130 pounds. The closest I was able to get to my goal was back in January of 2011 when I hit about 148 pounds. Since then, I've had a series of ups and downs, hitting my highest weight last October at 202 pounds - and I've been there pretty much ever since.

Earlier this year I was able to get back on track and got down to about 180 pounds - even though I had lost about 22 pounds, I had a hard time celebrating it as 180 pounds had always been my highest weight up until last October. Around May life happened, as it tends to do, and I shot back up to around 200. Since then, I've had a few good weeks, followed by many more bad weeks. And here I sit. 200 pounds. And MISERABLE.

I have written so many posts like this one at this forum, and I'm so sick of repeating the same cycle. I hate to say "I've had enough" because I've said it so many time before. I hate to say "this is the last time" because a little voice in my head starts to laugh, hard. All I can say is I'm going to be 30 soon, and I didn't even want to enter my 20's overweight. I've wasted SO much time ... and I'm scared.

I've tried Weight Watchers, and Medifast, and Wonderslim, and the 6-Week Body Makeover, and Medical Weight Loss, T25, and Insanity, and P90X, and calorie-counting, and cleanses, and clean eating plans, and ... ugh. The list goes on and on.

Is this just how I'm supposed to be? Am I just supposed to be fat forever? I've always refused to believe that, knowing that deep inside me there's a skinny girl who can't wait to come out. But, as the years pass, maybe I've just been fooling myself all along. More than that, as the years pass, I can start to see and feel the effects of being overweight taking a toll on my body. Something as simple as climbing stairs, or bending over to put on a pair of boots - which I've just had to buy the "extended calf" version of for the first time in my life.

I just can't live like this anymore. And I'm terrified to think of what the rest of my life would be like if I don't stop this, NOW. But I just don't know if I can anymore.

I've been thinking of going back on Medifast until the end of the year to get a jump start on things, start the new year off on a good foot (hopefully back at 180 pounds), and then maybe go back to Weight Watchers. But for the past couple of weeks I've tried to start and I'm SO strong during the work week - then the weekend comes and the idea of eating out of packets makes me sick. Then I thought maybe I could do Medifast during the week and Weight Watchers on the weekends - but I know going in and out of ketosis like that is bad for you and I don't want to do this in a way that's going to hurt me in the long run. Then I thought maybe I'd just go back to Weight Watchers and call it a day, but a) I already have about two months worth of Medifast food left and b) I really would like to lose a decent number by the end of the year.

Then I sit there and think, "It doesn't matter how much or how fast, you just have to lose it," but then I sit there and think, "But the idea of going on vacation for NYE this big makes me want to crawl under my bed and cancel my trip all together."

I'm a mess. Period. And I need some encouragement. Some advice. Some input. Some ... something. I'm just losing all hope in myself at this point and I have a feeling that this really is my last chance.

And I really, really don't want to be like this for the rest of my life.

Hi Sam

It shouldn't be a shock to hear this, but I am going to say it anyways, losing weight is hard. We have all been there and here and back again. Give yourself a big hug You can do this, you have already lost weight in the past, so you know how your body works. If you don't think you can stick to Medifast, then maybe that's not the route you take this time. Think long term, what can you stick with for the long haul? There are so many options out there and the one that is right for you is the one you can be successful with and stick to. I am not sure about jumping around with 2 different plans, I haven't tried it. I know, for me, I need to have one set of rules to follow, otherwise I may not stick to either fully. I wish you the best of luck on your journey.

Obviously I understand how important it is to have a goal and to want to feel comfortable in your skin, but I feel like you put so much emphasis on your life being good only if you're at your goal weight. That alone can set your mind up to think in extremes or black/white. Like I've been "good" all week and eating under calories, then not be able to maintain that composure during the weekend.

Instead of joining another program that you've tried before, why not try counting calories and see how you do? With lots of fresh unprocessed foods, you'll be able to eat so much more than the pre packaged stuff. And you'll feel better! There are so many books with recipes and info to help you.

Have you figured out your bmr? That's how many calories your body will burn resting in bed and where you start with when trying to figure out how many cals to eat a day.

This isn't your last chance. That's almost like catastrophic thinking, and it won't help you in the long term. You're back here. I've noticed just coming here and getting support is key for me. Good luck finding what works for you!

Sam the number on the scale does not define you! You have got to love yourself at any weight. I get where u are coming from, try good old fashion counting calories. best wishes

hey sam,

i don't have much advice, but i just wanted to give you big ol' virtual hug, as i'm in the same boat. been back here dozens of times and promised myself that last time would be the last. i had lost 80 pounds and was 8 pounds away from my goal weight of 140 last summer and managed to maintain that for a while. but i had a terrible run-in with depression earlier this year (which led to lots of emotional eating, avoiding the gym and people, etc) and gained back up to 185.

i've managed to lose 6 pounds in the last week or so, pretty much by not thinking too much about it and just following my plan like a routine. i tend to be very emotional in the beginning phase of weight loss (beating myself up for gaining, lamenting over how difficult it is, feeling deprived, etc) so it has helped me to work really hard on shutting that side of my brain off for the time being and just plugging away. i know not many people are able to do that, but i thought i would throw that out there just in case that thought would help.

i'll be 27 next month, so i totally feel you on the fear of inching closer to 30 and not being where you want to be physically, and feeling like you've wasted so much time/your youth. and i so know what it's like to feel desperate to be thinner - i felt that last year as i lost 80 pounds, and i felt it two weeks ago when i got on the scale and saw how much i'd gained. but life is not over for either of us, and trust me - you aren't destined to be overweight forever! although the extra weight is very uncomfortable to bear physically and emotionally, just know that it doesn't define you or what you're capable of. also... aside from putting my emotions aside, giving myself some tlc has also been helping me. i hate to say it, but i "hated myself thin" last year and vowed not to do that again. it was very taxing. so while i'm not at all happy with my weight, i'm still treating myself well.

weight loss can be a very tiring, and emotionally draining process, especially if you're doing it alone. if you need someone to talk to who's in the same boat, i'm around.

Big Hugs for you! Like most everyone has said already, it's not about the weight you lose it's about how you see yourself. I've often thought,"oh when I'm skinny I'll be happy, or when I'm thinner then I'll buy that dress." And then it dawned on me...would I really be happy thinner? The answer is yes, and no, the scale doesn't tell me how beautiful I am, nor does it tell me how amazing of a person I am--it tells me a number, nothing more. A number does not define how much you are worth--you a perfect just as you are.

Also don't think of it as "losing weight to be thinner" think of it as "I want to be healthy" I have been on diets since I was 10 years old...and it never worked. Now I am eating right, and taking vitamins and the weight is coming off. If you want try it, I take a product called Miracle 2000--it's not for weight loss--but it is a liquid multi-vitamin that has every vitamin, mineral, amino acid, etc that the human body needs. It's $25 at Vitamin Shoppe...you can order it online if you don't have one where you are. That along with eating well is pretty much the only thing I do. When you body is getting all the nutrition is needs, you aren't going to crave the "bad food" as much. And you know what if you want to have the "bad food" one day--do it. Just don't have it everyday. I eat pizza, chocolate, whatever I want...but then the next day I don't. You don't have to make yourself miserable now to try and be happy later. You can be happy right now with who you are--because who you are is amazing. Some people don't even care enough to do something about their weight--you are though, that alone is to be celebrated. Keep going never give up, everyday is a chance to do better.

This is NOT about a "DIET", it is about a healthy lifestyle.

If is seems like too much to take on all at once, take a breath, and look at what you can do, one small thing at a time.

Pick a healthier food option, lets' say just for breakfast, get that down pat, then move on to snacks, lunch, supper. Keep in mind, allow a certain amount of calories or points or whatever, for the week, but build in room for fun. Jeez, who does not want a piece of cake at a friends wedding, or to not worry about the calories in a wedding toast or birthday drink?

As far as exercise/workout, it is good for us, but for reasons other than diet/weight loss/maintaining.

Working out, with a purpose, is good for the body. Balance, strength, power, bone building, staving off osteoporosis, and tons of other health benefits, the endorphins from exercise, help with depression, which makes you feel better. Plus, while a pound of muscle weighs the same as a pound of fat, it is denser and takes up less space, so, you look better!

Thing is, we have to figure out, what we are WILLING TO DO, or NOT DO, that works for us, that still allows us to have a life.

But more important, we need to have patience, honesty, and forgiveness of ourselves, as we find our way on our journey to a healthy person.

It might be slow process, but slow is better than not at all!

Thank you all for your kind words and support. Yesterday was a bad day; I was feeling very low and had a bit of a meltdown.

I had a little chat with myself last night when I got home and came to the decision that I'm done posting posts like the one above. I know this needs to be a lifestyle change, and that idea, while scary, is also somewhat comforting. I want to live a healthy life. I want to eat good food not only to shed the pounds but to nourish my body. I want to exercise not only to improve the way my body looks, but to improve the way it feels.

The bottom line is, I'm not a kid anymore. I'm not that same 15-year-old girl who just needed to lose a little weight to fit into her homecoming dress. I'm an almost-30-year-old woman who needs to make a change, now, or this WILL be the rest of my life. And I don't want that. I care about myself too much to let that happen.

I've decided I'm going to go back to calorie counting and wearing my heart rate monitor when I work out. That's what I was doing at the beginning of this year, and while the weight loss was slower than it's been on other programs I've tried, I felt incredibly in control. And I think that's what I was feeling a lack of yesterday - control. To have that back will do wonders for my self esteem and my attitude - things that desperately need a face lift!

Hopefully I'm actually ready to change the way I think about all of this