I probably need to start at the beginning.

Back in 2012 I weighed 250lb. Over the following year I managed to lose 90lb and I was pretty proud of myself.

In January of last year, at the age of 39, I found out I was pregnant. I had my youngest daughter in September. For the first time ever, I only gained around 20lb, half of which I lost within a few weeks of birth.

Nearly 12 months later, I'm now weighing 224lb. Just seeing the numbers is enough to make me feel depressed. But I was doing ok, confident in the reality that I'd done it before, I can do it again.

Until today.

Up until today, I'd been buying all of my clothes from the charity shop, refusing to buy brand new clothes when I have drawers full of skinny clothes just waiting to be shrunk back in to. I never tried them on until I got home.

Today I decided that I needed to buy myself something to wear to my brother's 50th in a few weeks.

Today I saw myself in my underwear for the first time since May last year (new house with no full length mirrors).

I stood there and I cried and cried and cried. After that, the negative, self-loathing dragon came out. I was growling at the kids, nearly ripped hubby's head off. To the point that he went home and left me with the kids.

Now, I just don't know. I don't know how to start, don't know if I can do it again. Don't even know if I want to try.

Don't know if I'm after sympathy, or a good kick in the pants. Maybe both. Lol.

Anyways, if you made it this far, thanks for reading.

You don't need sympathy OR a good kick in the pants. It sounds like you've got both of those covered after all. I think you're being way too hard on yourself to be honest.

First you gotta ditch the self-loathing dragon. She does you no favors. I know what it feels like to gain weight after a pregnancy, it happened to me too. It happens to a lot of people actually and it's nothing to be ashamed of.

Real change comes from self love so it's useless to try to beat yourself up over this. Take some time to work on your body image, you do this by truly looking at yourself in the mirror and finding good things to like. It's important to combat negative thoughts. Just because you think something doesn't mean it's true. That negative voice that tells you mean things is not your real true self. It's a sabotager. My nutritional therapist gave me a really handy tip, every time I think of a negative thought I combat it by thinking of 3 positive TRUE thoughts. It really helps reduce that negative voice.

Where to start? Where we all start... by walking. And by choosing a few foods that will give your body more energy rather than deplete it. You don't have to do anything drastic, just put one foot in front of the other and you'll be fine. The important part is taking care of the negative voice that's holding you back. Don't be mean to yourself - it's easier to take care of something you love rather than something you hate.

Nicky, sure you can do it again. Just look around at all the different forums and you will see many many others in the same boat as you. Having lost before, gaining all back and dissapointed in themselves. BUT, everyone is here trying to eat healthier and achieve goals. Some are long term, some are short term. Lots of advice on different ways to go about it. Check out the Goals forum for motivation. Being here is your first step. Good luck on your weight loss journey!

This is so well said! I am a second-timer too, didn't only gain my weight back but a hefty amount of more on top of that. But this time I am so much more confident and the changes in my diet are starting to really stick - because I'm listening to my body and we're working together, not against eachother.

Nicky Knocky Noo, I hope you can find a place of self-love and beat that a**hole dragon for good!!! It's not like not hating yourself will make you balloon up. The body is a gift, and I'm sure there's much good in yours you're overlooking right now, and nothing to cry about. This is a good forum, we can work together to get to a better, healthier place!

Thanks for replying and for your positivity

I was in a pretty bad place yesterday when I posted that. Not helped by the fact that we're weaning from breastfeeding at the moment and my hormones are all over the shop.

I'm feeling a little more positive today. I'm having blood tests done this week, thyroid, vitamin D & B12, glucose and iron to rule out any problems there.

Thanks for your suggestions, I'll be looking to really get started once Little Miss is fully weaned.

Look forward to seeing you around the boards.

Hi There!

I would give yourself a break. You were pregnant and breastfeeding, after all. Your body actually did what it was SUPPOSED to do: carry the baby full term and give the baby enough nourishment for it AND you!

I'm sure once the baby is a year old and you go back to your old routine, you'll be fine!

Blessings,

Inkrid