I am sure this topic has been covered many times on this website. But let's start a new conversation about it because it is something I am really struggling with lately.

My coworkers stop me in the hallway all the time to compliment my weight loss. Which is sweet and great and wonderful. But there is one compliment that gets to me, "You are so pretty now." I don't mind being called healthy, skinny is annoying but I deal. This is the only compliment that gets to me. The fact is I don't try as hard anymore. I am not wearing more make up, my clothes don't fit, so I am no longer fashionable. My hair is usually up because I workout in the morning and sometimes I am too lazy to wash it. So I know I am kind of smelly at times (TMI I know). So how am I prettier now?

But it is not just the woman at work. Men... all the attention from men is starting to overwhelm me. I went out this weekend for the first time in forever and the amount of men wanting to buy my drinks was unprecedented. I am not bragging, I thought I was going to cry because it sent my anxiety levels through the roof. And guys I have been friends with for awhile, "You look so amazing now, can I take you out?" I don't know where it is coming from. I am the same person I was before, why are you hitting on me now?

My friends (none of which have lost significant amounts of weight) tell me that I am being overly sensitive and that I should take it all as complimentary. That now I just seem like a pretty girl annoyingly complaining about her looks. But wasn't I pretty before, why am I now a pretty girl complaining about her looks?

I am not a big fan of complaining, but I struggled with the attention the last time I got down to this weight as well. So does anyone else struggle with this? Moving from a backstage hand to center stage? I was hoping that maybe people here can understand the feeling. Is there any way to get over the resentment from the compliment?

Yes, it's a nightmare. And to be honest I have found the comments and experience with others post-weightloss to be the greatest psychological struggle with the whole deal. It's the reason I caution so many people on here about being careful what they wish for when they complain that "nobody has noticed their weightloss".

I have had friends and colleagues not recognize me and walk straight past me when I say hello. I have had people say "I was fat as f%ck" and equivalent comments. And I have had even more people crack fat jokes in front of me at other people which they would never do when I was at a heavier weight (but probably did to others in reference to me). So it's all very weird, because you are treated as a different person and yet you are fundamentally the same.

I am slowly learning to accept it however. To be brutally honest, and selfish, society favors people that are not overweight in all walks of life. Your personal relationships will probably be better and more numerous and you will probably have better career prospects too. My social and professional life has turned around since losing the weight. Friends say it's just the extra confidence I have, but I think there is a lot more to it than that. Strangers smile at me now, after all.

So you can choose to fight it or just accept it. I am learning to accept it but try to treat fat people with the respect that I wish had been reserved for me when I was heavier but evidently was not.

I agree with this.

It is the sad state of our society that, with some exceptions, thin people are viewed as pretty and overweight people are not. It has a lot to do with our current culture (e.g. food is plentiful so being thin requires extra effort, versus other times of history when food was scarce so heaviness was a sign of wealth and status). It also has a lot to do with the media and what we are currently praising as the "ideal" woman's body.

Also, some people are just insensitive a$$es who say whatever they are thinking without regard to how the listener might perceive it.

The guys who are friends and now asking you out may have always been interested in you as a person, but they didn't find your excess weight attractive. Now they get the whole package: YOU plus your thinner (and, in their minds, more attractive) body. While it's easy to say these guys are shallow jerks, the fact is that we all do have a different body type that we find attractive, and we all probably have some physical thing that may be a turn-off (the way some girls won't date a short guy).

Funnily enough, my husband has been worried about gaining weight. I love him, so I told him I would find him attractive even if he were 250 pounds (He's 6'0", about 180 lbs). Then I said, "What does a 6' guy who's 250 lbs look like, anyway?"

And he responds, "Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson."

I can live with that.

I haven't had a major transformation yet but I'm willing to bet that you feel a little resentful on behalf of your former fat self. After all, she's the girl you've been for a long time, you have a soft spot for her and it might be a little painful to see that other people are more glad to be rid of her than you are. I think this is a common struggle among people who have lost a great deal of weight. That girl was a real person with real feelings and those people are hurting her feelings. It's normal to feel defensive of her.

Add to that the fact that there is always a fear of regaining weight. Statistics are against those who lose a lot of weight, and the fear that you may go back to being that weight makes you particularly sensitive to being preferred at this weight.

If I were you I would consider speaking up for your past self. Maybe you owe it to her. She was real and she's still inside hurting somewhere. Don't let people say things to you that are hurtful, just don't. Here's some responses you may want to consider:

"You are so pretty now." .... "Was I not pretty back then?"
"You look so amazing now, can I take you out?" .... "I was out of your league back then, I'm out of your league now."
"Wow you look great now." ... "I know you mean that as a compliment and thank you, but I feel like I always looked great."

This is off topic but can I ask why you don't care much about your appearance now? I also know someone who has lost a great deal of weight and she seems to care so much less about her appearance now that she is thinner. She used to put a lot of care into her hair, makeup and clothes and now she's bumming, wearing the same clothes over and over again, no makeup and bedraggled hair. I would have thought the opposite would happen, can you shed some light onto why this happens?

Yep!

And we, as humans, like all animals, are well, animals. As much as we like to think we are above that, we are not. Our sole purpose on Earth, for whatever reason, is to survive, reproduce, and raise our offspring. I don't know WHY we are genetically coded that way, but we are.

And, we are programmed to be attracted to the healthiest mates because healthy mates are more likely to produce and raise healthy offspring. There have been numerous studies that show universality in what humans find attractive - basic ratios/proportions.

An overweight person, strike that, an obese person loses some of that healthy look. They look less attractive, "pretty". We aren't just programmed to notice that in potential mates but in everyone.

I know for myself, I like how I look when thinner much better than when I'm heavier. I don't find most obese people - men or women, as very attractive. Sure, there are BEAUTIFUL obese people, more attractive than some of their non-obese peers, but I bet these beautiful obese people would be even more beautiful if they weren't obese.

Plus, fat masks features - it makes the eyes look smaller, makes the cheekbones disappear, etc.

But it's also what Palestrina said too.

IanGI just find it hard accepting something I don't particularly agree with. I try to treat everyone with a certain amount of respect and I try to think before I speak. So it is hard knowing that I didn't get the same respect back.However, I do agree I may just have to learn to face the world differently now because it treats me differently.

Banananutmuffin- The anthropology major in me loves your reference to wealth and weight. And I agree that a preference in appearance is still a preference. Completely subjective and nothing to get mad over. It is not just about them only finding me attractive right now, but also changing the nature of my relationships with them by asking me out. And I find it slightly arrogant of them to think that I would have been waiting until they found me attractive enough to ask me out. Like I would jump at the opportunity now that they actually want me. But that is my resentment talking, they probably did not think that way when they asked.

Palestrina- I think I agree on being defensive for my inner self that probably felt rejected and is resentful that she had to become a societal norm to be accepted. That is a very valid point and probably the root of the resentment.
On to the question, I do care about my appearance. I have not given up on it by any means. I still take time to do my make up every day. But I am still losing, so I don't want to put too much money into a new wardrobe that may not fit soon. I have bought a few pieces here and there, but nothing as big (pun intended) as my old wardrobe. Then the hair thing, it had been hard to learn how to juggle enough time to do everything in the morning. On the weekends and for events with friends I still take the time and effort to get ready, ready. But the sloppier appearance may stem from the time struggle. I used to have enough time to do it all every day, when I added in workouts it took out the time I would take to do my hair.

berryblondeboys- Fat does mask features. I will agree. My face has slimmed down tremendously in the last few months, and the difference is striking to say the least. I have not been impervious to the changes and it is probably why I am getting more attention in general. I do understand that, I think this may be a case of my personality feeling second best to my looks when it always felt it was number one. I hope that makes sense.

As an anthropology major (I minored in it), you should get why people find you prettier now... we are not separate from our animal kin in that way. A good personalityIt is PART of attractiveness, but not the whole picture.

I can understand feeling uncomfortable with more attention. It is surprising, and requires new coping skills.
But in terms of your resentment towards the pretty question, perhaps you simply look prettier now? Most lose weight and focus on health and fitness because they would like to a) look better and/or b) improve health outcomes. Yes, people tend to look better when they are not carrying excess weight. And, if you are working out, eating well, and so on, it will also be that healthy fitness glow, and not just about size or a number. When I am heavier, I am lethargic. Thinner and more fit, more energized and buzzing! That is part of it too, I'm sure.