Awkward question about losing your cloak of invisibility...
Hi everyone, lol @ the topic name that is just the best way I can think of to describe this phenomenon. I've been obese for the majority of my life (since around 7-8 years old), and while many may disagree, I definitely believe it limited me socially, romantically, etc., etc. not to say you can't be overweight and have a wonderful social life, be outgoing, etc. but it isn't and wasn't my story. In fact, I do want to add, moreso than my actual weight limiting me, I did limit myself, anything you want is possible, I do strongly believe that and many people prove that, but for me I was so self-conscious and I let negative people and my own negative feelings stifle me.
Getting back on topic though, I am not used to men flirting with me (it began happening more when I went from 350 to 305 and began dressing more trendy thanks to Torrid, but nothing like it is now), it is so awkward, and I am not used to sexual attention from strange men either, because my weight was like this shield or as I joked "cloak of invisibility" that separated me from those life situations that many women small and large are accustomed to. Now the issue is popping up lately since I'm on a weight loss journey, and as my friends and I put it, it's like when you hit a certain weight or size you become "on the menu". For those like me who can relate how did you deal with this, any advice?
Lastly adding, a certain situation happened last night, long story short- I visit this natural food market which attracts more hippie/liberal (not referring to politically ) type people, and there is a man there who has always been friendly to me. When I was about 270 down from the early 300's he one day asked if he could hug me, and I didn't know what to say, I'm a pretty friendly person and I said yes so we hugged. From there on out he would just want a hug every time he saw me. Well I wasn't sure if he was flirting with me or not (some people are just friendly and not trying to get fresh), coincidentally my mom who also shops there and is familiar with him, says he has never tried to hug her. So anyway, last night he hugged me really tightly when the hug broke he was kind of touching my body (like the curves of the breasts & waist) very briefly and made convo with me about his recent promotion, his hours, etc. when I mentioned I hadn't seen him around in awhile. From there he said something to the effect of "I'm glad to know you're looking for me, because I always find you..." and walked away. Later when I was checking out, he passed by me and insisted on another hug because he didn't know when he'd see me again. At first I thought it was a bit funny, but later I got these feelings of regret and violation, weird I know, but like he was being inappropriate. Thanks for letting me vent, and I apologize for the super long post in advance .
He sounds like hes into you. But if not interested id def tell him to give you space. I don't like the idea of him feeling you up in that hug. I agree with creepy.
Nope, you're right, that's kind of creepy. He may mean nothing weird by it and it does definitely sound like he's flirting with you. Some people I know flirt heavily with physical contact. I am not the kind of person who enjoys that, especially initially. So that may be the way he flirts. However, unless you get a good vibe and like him, I'd personally steer clear.
Also, yes, the attention does get more pronounced from men, and it is weird at first. But maybe look at it like a new skill to develop, just like you did when you learned to lose weight. It's awkward at first, but it gets easier as you go.
Thanks so much for the replies ladies! I got a creepy vibe too, but I don't think he was being malicious, just inappropriate, some people get too familiar if you know what I mean. This is pretty new to me, I've seen small girls get groped or harassed by men, but for the most part I dodged that since I wasn't their type. Now with weight loss, I am getting more of that attention that has eluded me most of my life, and it is sometimes flattering, sometimes offensive (like I wasn't good enough 70+ lbs. ago) and sometimes creepy/awkward like the other night. For the record I am not interested in this guy in a romantic/sexual way, I'm thinking of just visiting another location of the chain for awhile because I don't want a confrontation like "Don't hug me!" lol. Anyhow, thank you ladies again! <3
Yeah, it's a bit on the creepy side, especially if he asks for hugs very often. It doesn't feel very nice to have to say no to people who sound like they're just being friendly, but it's always going to be a bit uncomfortable when you first start cutting them off, even if you're extra nice about it. It's just because these kind of people tend to insist, so wether you want to or not, you have to be a bit firm.
That does sound like a bit of a complicated situation. I think that, in my cowardness, I'd make up small excuses to see if he took the hint (like "no I'm so sweaty today!" or "I actually forgot my deodorant haha I'm keeping my distance from everyone" or, if you're a bit sick, "I wouldn't want to pass this to you"). Or even joke about how often it is for him to maybe realize it's getting really unusually frequent ("why do you ask me everyday? I'm not going anywhere!" or "you're wearing out my hugging muscles like this" or "I don't even hug my friends this often" or whatever). But I guess the right thing would be to be more direct and upfront about it, I just really wouldn't know how xD
Regardless of intent, if you don't like it, say something. Yes, you told him once that it was okay to hug you, but it's also okay from now on to say that you don't want to hug. You can of course use body language to let him know this, too, but words are stronger. A simple "no thanks" when he goes in for the hug should work.
Don't let the attention make you think that people can do or say whatever they want to you!
Back to the first part of your post, in my experience its more about my confidence level than my weight. I've been hit on at every weight, but it always happens more when I feel good about myself. I guess it's cool that other people can see my confidence, but I don't exactly enjoy people making comments about my body. I used to get angry and say things back, but I've found the easiest thing to do is act like I didn't hear it. It's frustrating, but getting angry never solved anything for me.
LOL@ wendybirdx I love your excuses, those are great! And like you I am a bit non-confrontational, especially w/"friendly" people because then I feel like a jerk. I've kinda resigned myself to not going into the store for awhile, there are other locations .
Nonameslob thank you for your post, I agree confidence can have a big effect on how or if you're approached at all. That said, I am a apple-shape that has been in the "morbidly obese" category for all of my adult life up until this year, I began becoming more confident during the 320's-330's back in 2011. I've always smiled a lot & I'm friendly, but guys didn't really start hitting on me until I began losing weight (like 320's and down). And I get a lot more attention now in the 200's, than I ever did in the 300's. Some people look really good at a higher weight, I wasn't really one of them , but I have heard from other plus-size ladies that they were hit on more as a larger person than smaller person, for me it has been the opposite.
About this "Don't let the attention make you think that people can do or say whatever they want to you!" thank you! I was feeling a lot of guilt like I brought that situation on, not that a hug is the worst thing in the world, but it was all of it, I didn't want that attention from him. Since I've been on my journey I've been dying for people to acknowledge that I've lost weight, and to this day outside of family, close friends & people online who see before & during pictures I haven't received any acknowledgement. Even this guy, but he has become more touchy/affectionate since the weight loss started.
CatRN78 no I'm not interested in him in the slightest. I was initially flattered at 270 when he asked to hug me because I didn't get that often, but after awhile it became wearing that every time I saw him "HUG" lol. However the most embarrassing & awkward being recently w/the 2 hugs, and the quick "feel up". I think the point of my post was just asking that when you've lived a life of invisibility, of guys not hitting on you, and all of a sudden because you decide to get healthy men are noticing you and coming on to you, how did you deal with that. Or even if it is something you've dealt with all of your life, how do you deal, I was considered unattractive by most guys at a much heavier weight, girls would say "you have a pretty face..." or "you're cute" but rarely guys. Now that I am not "too big to handle" by some guys' standards I feel that incidents like this will happen more often and I'm just not prepared.
So I'm a bit of an introvert but can be very physical with people I know and am comfortable with but because I'm in the medical field, I don't even like shaking hands with strangers. Don't go out of your way to shop elsewhere though bc this is going to happen more often then not. You will have to transition him into not hugging you. Next time he asks for a hug I would kindly put my hand out (requesting distance) and say, "not a great idea, I'm feeling under the weather." I know it seems *****y but if you do this he will understand without feeling awkward. Repeat this each time he asks (whether it takes 3 or 4 times). You obviously won't be sick that often but I think it's a polite way to give a hint. This way you can still be friendly, still shop at your store, not make him feel outwardly bad, and continue a rather professional relationship. Confrontation is not my thing. ...I'm sorta a wuss about it but going out of my way to shop somewhere else is also not. Just remember that because you have obliged to so many hug requests he may think that you're into him. Nip it in the bud. Make up a fake boyfriend situation if need be. If you find yourself at the store before memorial day, you can even ask if he has plans. He will inevitably ask what you're up to. You can say you and your boyfriend are just going to relax on the long weekend. Something not offensive but let's him know that you and him aren't goin there. Sorry if any males reading this thread are appalled by my advice, but this is more of a girl talk situation and this how our minds work...lol.
Yuck ya he sounds like a creeper... hand on the rib cage to me, is an extremely intimate place for any man to touch me. Are you noticeably busty? Any normal male would know NOT to touch someone they do not know that well so close to the breasts...
Intuition never lies, don't question it. If you feel "yuck" about the situation it is with good reason.
Last edited by Diamondonalandmine; 05-20-2015 at 01:40 AM.
"Sorry, No, haha, hugs creep me out." Shake hands...."loooovely to see you again...how's the family?" Then move on.
And don't worry about being called a cold b!tch, or whatever..it will happen...but then again, we're calling them creepers! Stand up for yourself, or you will find yourself fighting off kisses and groping right there in the store!
In my youth, I had to wiggle out of several similar situations that steadily escalated, simply because I did not back away quickly enough--I was too timid to hurt feelings, duhhh. If you do not learn how to rip the band-aid, you will constantly be wondering why?oh why? you are so often in these situations. You can define the relationship/interactions and still be a nice, friendly and loving person.
p.s. Those "situations" usually involved older or married men who I considered acquaintances--obviously they had active or desperate imaginations--this can be dangerous, ladees. Especially for those like Candid who have such a kind, sweet face and disposition.
I agree with SeeMyFeet -- gentle but direct. Subtle hints can easily get misinterpreted, especially by people with an agenda. I would simply say something like, "Sorry, but the hugging makes me uncomfortable. I'd rather we not do it from now on." The "we" takes the blame away from him, while your intent remains clear.
Thank you ladies for replying back! Kiwi1222, thank you for the great advice, your message me laugh!
Diamondonalandmine lol @ yep I was thinking the same thing. I never really thought of myself as big busted past puberty because my stomach used to stick out as far if not further than my bosom, but some other people in those days did consider me big busted. I am definitely no Dolly Parton, then or now, my bust has shrank but for the most part I can still wear my old bras, and my belly doesn't stick out as far as it used to.
SeeMyFeet thank you so much for your post , I sometimes have a hard time being direct that is why I'd rather just avoid the store for awhile, ducking like a turtle in its shell. I'm sorry you had to deal with those experiences. I remember growing up seeing the smaller girls go through this, and would be relieved and even jealous in a weird way, and sometimes I didn't understand why they were so upset, but no it isn't fun being felt up, or receiving unwanted affection/attention, period.
Freelancemomma thank you for your post, I really like that approach, not sure if I'm brave enough to do it though.
Awkward question about losing your cloak of invisibility...
) type people, and there is a man there who has always been friendly to me. When I was about 270 down from the early 300's he one day asked if he could hug me, and I didn't know what to say, I'm a pretty friendly person and I said yes so we hugged. From there on out he would just want a hug every time he saw me. Well I wasn't sure if he was flirting with me or not (some people are just friendly and not trying to get fresh), coincidentally my mom who also shops there and is familiar with him, says he has never tried to hug her. So anyway, last night he hugged me really tightly when the hug broke he was kind of touching my body (like the curves of the breasts & waist) very briefly and made convo with me about his recent promotion, his hours, etc. when I mentioned I hadn't seen him around in awhile. From there he said something to the effect of "I'm glad to know you're looking for me, because I always find you..." and walked away. Later when I was checking out, he passed by me and insisted on another hug because he didn't know when he'd see me again. At first I thought it was a bit funny, but later I got these feelings of regret and violation, weird I know, but like he was being inappropriate. Thanks for letting me vent, and I apologize for the super long post in advance 
.
, but I have heard from other plus-size ladies that they were hit on more as a larger person than smaller person, for me it has been the opposite. 
