[JoSoCal]

I don't know if this is the correct place to post this, but have any of you lost friends during either your or their weight loss journey?

One of my close friends, whom I've known and been friends with since 1990, got gastric bypass surgery about a year and a half ago, lost a lot of weight really fast, and from then on, he doesn't have time for me and for what I considered a good friendship.

I see on his FB that he has a new bunch of friends from his spinning class, and some new friends from his LGBT group. They go out to eat (so it's not like that was his and my only connection!), they do little local vacations and sight seeing and wine tastings etc together, & they travel together.

I've finally given up calling and emailing, and leaving a message to say Hi, and see how he is, what's up. He doesn't get back to me, and I can read the unsaid message. I actually stopped trying to make contact in January. My birthday, which we always celebrated, came and went recently--not even a phone call.

Even my husband remarked about it. It's hurtful to be cast aside for his new group of friends. Was I just a placeholder all those years until he lost his weight, until people more exciting came along? I do understand they are all united by this spin class, more so than the LGBT group.

My weight journey, for losing lbs, is just beginning and his is into maintenance.

Okay, end of my pity party. Just wondering if others have experienced this.

Thanks!
Jo

[faiora]

This might not come across as helpful, but he might be cutting everyone out of his life who doesn't seem like a good fit for his health/weight and lifestyle goals. There's a proven correlation between how overweight we are and how overweight our friends are. I could see myself avoiding people who made unhealthy lifestyle choices, in the same way I don't spend a lot of time around people who smoke, and so on.

It's not that I dislike people who smoke or do drugs etc, or even that I feel pressured to do what other people do. It's just not part of my lifestyle so it's not interesting to me to be around that. The same could easily be said for food. maybe to avoid feeling like he needs to talk about his choices or yours, he has drifted away. It may not even be purposeful.

I might be completely off base. Just my thought.
I doubt that someone you have been friends with for so long was simply thinking of you as a placeholder.

[JoSoCal]

You could be right, faiora, but gosh, it's so cold!

He might not have been thinking of me as a placeholder, but for people who have been *friends* for 23+ years, it sure feels like I somehow didn't measure up once he got his new body.

Thanks again for your kind and thoughtful input.
Jo

[Palestrina]

I'm sorry your friend is MIA. I don't think there's any justification for abandoning a friend the way he has. He probably feels like he was not able to participate in an exciting fun lifestyle when he was heavy and now wants to make up for lost time. But that's no excuse for not staying in contact with you.

I think if you care about him and your friendship you should speak to him about this. Tell him that you feel cast aside and ask him what went wrong. It's important to talk about these things, so many relationships fail because people aren't honest with eachother. I hope that can at least get you some closure if he's not willing to be a participant in your life.

If things don't get better I would honestly consider defriending him on facebook and move on from this.

[JoSoCal]

Hi, Wannabe, and thanks for your input. I actually have spoken with him before he "cut me out", mentioning that we seem to have less personal connections and sometimes, I feel that we're two ships passing in the night.

His response was that he is so busy busy busy and he is so involved with his spinning group outside their gym hours too.

Well, we are ALL busy busy busy, but we find or make the time for people we feel close to and such.

I'm moving on, and it's sad that he's now someone I just used to know.

Jo

[Mizzthingaling]

That is sad to read but it's good that you are moving on. I think he is just excited about his new weightloss like Wannabe said. He may see you as a trigger. Someone in his old life where he use to do indulge with. One day after all of that has gotten normal to him, he'll probably want to rekindle the friendship.

ETA: Well at least now you get to focus on your journey and make all new friends.