I have been back to this site so so many times. I always find comfort here, even just reading all the threads. I am not sure what the point of my post is, I think I just need to vent it all out with someone who won't judge.

I was getting back into the whole weightloss thing after tossing it all out the window for the millionth time. So I go and update my blog, write a beautiful, motivational/inspirational post. Pat myself on the back. Yay here I go ready this time. Just like every single time in the past....

Today though I actually take the first step. I weigh in. I have gained. I knew I had. Though I didn't think so much. Then I decide to update my blog...I am updating my tickers which really never upset me anymore then seeing how much my weight is anyways. But I look at my weigh in page. Where I would keep track of all my weight loss stats. The idea was that every weigh in I would write down my weight there so I could see the flow I guess.

Instead I saw a huge cycle of big fat ugly failure.

I started the weigh in blog page Jan 2011..it is now March 2014 & since those dates I am like 12lbs lighter. This entire time I just keep bouncing around 200lbs. I lose some, I gain it back. I do really amazing & then I do really bad.

Not all so many months ago I remember being 185... it was amazing and I felt like I was doing to go all the way & i don't even remember what happened. How I lost control/focus and let myself slip back into this?

Yes I notice I am having a hate on myself pity party right now. I have an anxiety disorder & it does cause me to go alittle overboard on things sometimes even when I can form a rational thought to them. But I am scared. I want this so so badly, more then anything. I am not just about losing weight but being healthy & making a life long change. But losing weight will mean I have a chance at having a baby. The one thing I want more than anything in this world and so why can't I do it then?

I am scared that I am just going to fail again. That idk I don't have it in my head to do it right. Is there some switch that needs to be turned on? Because I found it once. I did amazing. I lost like idk 40lbs during that window & was doing amazing, not perfect but amazing. And it all fell apart & now I can't even get a good streak going anymore.

I just want to break this cycle of failure. I want to stay on plan & keep moving forward. I don't need a miracle. I am not saying let myself be perfect 24/7. I just don't want to give up. I want to keep moving forward even when everything is so damn difficult. It is ok if I move at a snails pace just that I keep moving.

& even as I say these words I am scared as if I don't have the control to follow through with them. I lack confidence in myself.

I have felt that way before. Backsliding is no fun, but it's no use to beat yourself up about the past. Just go forward. What you need is a little success to get you started. Since the scales are so hard to control, how about setting a goal of:

* staying at your calorie level daily for a week
* exercising 3 times this week for 30 minutes
* saying no to whatever treat is most tempting right now for a week
* something else you come up with

Take your pick! Get a calendar and give yourself a GOLD STAR for every day that you stay on plan. It's amazing how those stars and a little success will motivate you. You can do it! You did it before -- you just need to get a kick start this time.

Hang in there! And, let us know how it's going.

Life is a winding road. Beating yourself up about it isn't going to help you find your way. Be kind.

Raising a child requires patience. It also requires you to realize things do not always go according to your plans, but you must persevere regardless. It also requires that you do NOT expect perfection.

I'm telling you all this because maybe it would help if you think of your weight loss in the same terms, and realize that maybe these are lessons for you to learn in preparation for your dream of having babies.

I know, that's maybe too deep and overthinking it. I guess I'm in one of those moods today. lol But regardless, you CAN do this! I find when my perseverance is waning I come here to 3FC or another weight loss forum, even if I don't want to. I also start recognizing cues that I'm starting to slack (not measuring my food, skipping workouts, etc.), and stop it before it gets out of hand.

Consider, too, that you can have children at almost any size. My first two, for example, were born when I was 250 and 270-something (end of pregnancy weight) and we had no weight related complications or health issues, because I took good care of myself in pregnancy. There is no denying that my two subsequent full term pregnancies at lower weights were more comfortable, but the babies were the same, health wise.

And you've been given excellent advice - don't give into discouragement, but realize it is a lifelong, day by day process that takes lots of patience and even more stubborn persistence. Just think about where you'd be if you hadn't been focusing on keeping your weight steady - likely you'd be heavier than ever, just like the rest of us who get fatter year by year if we don't put a concerted effort into stopping it. Just maintaining or bouncing within a weight range is a HUGE victory. Most people cannot do it. Take the view that every pause in your journey is a step toward lifelong control of your weight, because it truly is.

Thank you everyone so much.

AwShucks that was such an amazingly helpful post to me. I always find myself thinking about the small steps when I am revving up my motivation but I think I do keep focusing on the big picture. That I am HERE & not THERE, and THERE is so far away. But you are so right, I need to focus on the little things and give myself that positive attitude that I am doing them. The gold star idea is perfect too. I really am going to do that.

Maybe if I can just focus on something that I am doing right then it will help me stick with it and add more. Thank you

That is the story of my life lol Having an anxiety disorder makes it so difficult to manage with that. Something doesn't work out right? omg world is ending! I am doing better then I was but it still takes alot of effort & strength to not feel that way.

I do keep telling myself that as well about children. I want to be a great mother. I want to set a good example and be active and play with my kids and go for walks and to the park. And this will help get me there.

oops. I should have stated that I have PCOS & fertility issues come with it. Losing weight raises my chances to conceive by alot. As I get the weight off and eat healthier I might be able to get pregnant.

I didnt really think of that but you are so right. I have made many changes that have helped keep me smaller then I was & healthier. I am not doing perfect but I could be doing far far worse.

Ah yes, this is the very best thing you can do for yourself if you have PCOS. If you haven't already, do consider a carbohydrate controlled plan like Protein Power, Nutritional Ketosis, Atkins, or even South Beach or a Paleo variant. With your metabolic/hormonal issues you may find you lose better and maintain with less effort on these types of plans than ones that do not control sugar and starch (I know it made a big difference for me, especially the more weight I lost).

That makes your progress and maintenance even more impressive - PCOS, hypothyroid, pituitary disorders, metabolic syndrome - these all make losing weight that much slower and more difficult. You've done GREAT! Don't give up on yourself.