In the past, My motive for losing weight has always been to look better so I got more attention from the opposite sex. Period. It's not about being healthy, living longer, or having more energy. It's been completely vein and self centered.

When I've lost weight and been fit - my ego always grew and priorities always changed. The irony is the larger my ego - the less fulfilled, content, happy, and peaceful I've felt.

Not sure if anyone can relate.

I am married and love my wife very much. Im no longer as obssesed with looking good as a way of getting attention. It's as if when I'm heavier I feel less self absorbed, more just "a spoke in the wheel of life". But I really dont like how much weight I've gained. But then when I start dieting I'm missing the old motive (the only one that ever worked) and I never stay on it because after a week or two the thought of - what's the use??? Comes in...

Has anyone else been where I'm at and gotten past it?

Ideally, I'd like to just alter what I eat and increase my exercise and lose the weight - sounds simple right? For me it's just a lot more complicated than that... It's as if being fit represents a certain attitude and lifestyle. I want to maintain my current outlook and priorities for life AND lose weight.

Help!

That's an interesting statement. I sometimes feel the same way: I don't want health and fitness to define me. I've always believed health is a means, not an end. I also view the pursuit of health as a morally neutral choice rather than a righteous one. If I were to lose my health tomorrow and, say, be wheelchair bound, I would still retain my core and still be able to do the things I love most, such as writing and learning languages. I also don't see myself as a health evangelist or health pusher. I retain a few health vices.

For all that, I'm more committed to my health now, at age 57, than ever before. Nothing extreme: just maintaining a 50-pound weight loss, eating "mostly healthy," and exercising 3 hours per week. It may be because at my age, health is no longer an abstraction. I'm fully aware I could lose it any day, so I'm prepared to devote a modicum of time to it. Perhaps you can cultivate a similar attitude?

Regarding vanity, I still have mine and it's certainly part of the reason I choose to maintain at a relatively low weight for my height. I'm also married, and my vanity isn't aimed at attracting the opposite sex as much as attracting general admiration for my physique. I'm irrationally proud of having a flat stomach and pronounced waist at age 57. All of which is to say: you may still be able to tap into your vanity if it helps motivate you. Just look for a different angle.

F.

For me, it's about being able to do things with my children without feeling self conscious or embarrassed.

I would also be lying if I said there wasn't any vanity in it. Of course I want to look good. I want to have that body that people look at and have admiration for the time, effort and dedication I put into maintaining it, in the end, instead of feeling like the running fat joke.

Last year my children went on a helicopter ride. I had their grandfather take them because I didn't want to be weighed. I made it a gift & something they could do together but I really wanted to go.

My daughter wants to go trail riding, I don't want them to second guess which horse can carry my weight.

I want to take my children on holidays and wear a bathing suit without feeling like I'm looking for something to cover up the second I leave the water.

I want to wear shorts for the first time in 15 years

I don't want to be the fat friend

I don't want to dodge having my photo taken with loved ones because I hate having a permanent memory of how far I let myself go

I want to go shopping and buy things I actually like

What's wrong with vanity? It must be the puritanical roots of the US that makes people shameful of their vanity here. And it must be my Greek roots that makes my vanity so fully pronounced. I don't think there is anything wrong with pride in one's appearance. I'm married too, I have no interest in luring anyone of the opposite sex... and I'm a woman so we all know that women want their looks to be appreciated by other women more than men anyway haha!

I am learning to let go of motives that reside in the future. Sure, I have goals and I have a vision of what I want to be like and what I want my life to look like in 1,3,5,20 years from now. But in looking ahead so far I've disengaged with my present for far too long. Right now I'm a one day at a time kind of girl. I want to earn my sleep by the end of the day and that means getting things done, finding pleasure in being active, and enjoying the food I eat every day. And if I can do that well today, I know tomorrow will be better for it. That's all the motive I need.

I really enjoyed reading your post freelancemomma

It is a lifestyle keeping fit. I find keeping active harder than eating well.

I have not checked out 3FC in 5+months.
Issues common for women in my age group have cropped up. ie. Aging parents, teen and young adult children in need of my help and attention. It just seemed that as these problems took center stage and I devoted less to my"selfish needs". Because that would be so "VAIN" I mean to take care of my needs and let my attention slip from the other things going on. So, while I slipped back into old familiar routines, eating whatever and whenever. "I'm on the run. I need to get this meal out of the way so I can take care of these matters." I found myself having gained back 22 lbs. in 5 months after losing 106 iover the previous 2 years.
I must check in at 3FC, even if it is just to read the wisdom of people like FREELANCEMOMMA What is wrong with some vanity!?
I started the journey because, though I never had any health issues, I was at or near 300lbs. and at 45 years old worried that I would or could develop heath issues after being larger my entire adult life. But the real kicker was at a photo of husband and me, Where I saw that I was so much bigger than he was and how I wanted to remove that image ifrom my head and replace it. To make it a reality. I wanted to finally, weigh less than he did (195lbs.). Well I did it. down to 189 and even less But then, here comes life. My 80+ parents have medical issues . My oldest child is having a relationship problem which is affecting school. A neighbor's child dies from a drug O/D. "I need to help all these loved ones. I don't have time to be looking out for ME!! That's VAIN!"... I am now up to 219 lbs. and again outweigh my husband by nearly 30lbs. who remains at 190 to 195lbs and has for the 25 years I have known him, while i pack on 30lbs. in less than 6 months and No!! I am not PREGNANT. LOL! No one had better dare take a photo. Until that is, I lose this again and get back to where I was, which I will of course. So,you see that is why, I'm a little vain, and having some vanity is good for you.

I like this thread. Wannabeskinny hit it on the head, I think - in USAian culture and probably in some others as well there is a perception that vanity is the wrong reason or not a good enough reason to lose weight.

We already have so much guilt around weight loss and eating - every aspect of it is steeped in the language of crime and sin and moral judgment - that the stigma against vanity is really just another way to convince ourselves that our efforts aren't noble and pure enough.

Well for me, vanity is it, and I am not afraid to admit it. I have written about this on 3FC before and because I am not only vain but also lazy, I found one of those posts and reproduce it in its entirety below:

I hope you don't mind if I use this thread to admit, once again, that I really don't have any reason other than vanity.

I don't really give a flying fig about my health. It's not that I'd like to get sick, but the remote possibility of maybe getting sick some day is just simply not enough to light a fire under my rear and get me to do the very hard work of losing weight. It is just too vague, too amorphous, too potential a reward to have any effect on me. I don't have kids, and I don't want kids, so being there for my kids or being a role model for them isn't going to do it either.

So, vanity it is. I admit it. Vanity is the only thing that was powerful enough to make me do the hard work. For folks who have motivations that might seem more noble or less shallow, go for it - that's great. For me, though, all I've got is the powerful desire to be the lean, strong woman I see in my head.

There have been other benefits that have come with losing weight, besides being happier with the way I look. I'm glad not to have as much pain in my knees. I'm glad to have more energy, to be able to do more and enjoy an active life more. But none of these motivated me. None of these were the reason I wanted to lose weight, or the reason I want to keep losing now. It's just plain vanity. I'm not ashamed of it, either!

My motivation: I'm turning 30 years and it's a huge deal for me. It seems like for me to be a real woman, fulfilled, complete and confident is going to depend a lot (but not only) on my appearance.
Also gaining weight restricts me a lot. Soon, I start to feel health discomforts related to my poor diet and lack of exercise: severe insomnia, extreme difficulty to walk ,unexplained hearbeat acceleration, chronic pains in almost all my joints, because in addition I'm a shortie.
So yep. Those are my motivation

I'm totally okay with vanity - and it's a huge motivator for me. I've always been fat, I never got the chance to be anything close to hot. Also very close to 30, and feel like the chance to have a family is passing my by.

Still I think the biggest fear for me is being a burden. I know what it's like to care for someone who is immobile and dying from morbid obesity. I don't ever want to be that sort of burden on my family. (That probably sounds like I'm whining about caring for someone I'm supposed to - I'm not, but it is pretty damned tough).

My motivation isn't really vanity, although in a way it is. I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin. A huge reason why I don't is because I always feel judged by weight in public. It's a large part of why I don't leave my house much.

But... you are a different person now.

I think if your motivation to lose is more grounded in your current values & priorities, you won't have that change in perspective once you lose.

It is hard to predict (impossible?!) how you might be different once you meet your weight loss/health goals. Don't worry about it until you get there.

I am guessing that your lifestyle now includes a lot of the things that lead to peacefulness, contentment, etc- more so then when you were younger, right?

I am guessing that your weight loss now isn't to "get" something superficial, like it was then. I think this is going to make a huge difference.

It helps me to list my goals for wanting to lose weight- both what I will gain and what I will "lose". Practical things that will enhance my life. I am not expecting weight loss to buy me happiness, but I am expecting to be able to sit comfortably in my dining room chairs, walk upstairs without getting winded, etc.

Work on your health goals, but keep your life goals in the foreground.

Oh, and on this aspect of the original post: "I want to maintain my current outlook and priorities for life AND lose weight."

I have found in the several years of my weight loss process that it has not been possible to do this literally and completely. My investment in weight loss takes time and mental energy; there is simply no way around that. Planning meals, shopping, and cooking takes longer than picking up something easy on the way home or ordering take-out. Exercising takes time that not-exercising would leave free for other things. All of these things take up some mental bandwidth as well as time.

That time and bandwidth had to come from somewhere. It had to mean lowering the priority of other things that I was doing more of while I was fat. In my case, it meant less time spent on my principal hobby/avocation.

Having said that, I have not become a full-time fitness enthusiast, or a full-time cook. Food/exercise are kind of like a second hobby now, and they take up as much of my time (probably a little more, to be honest) than my principal one.

On balance, it's worth it. I'm very, very glad to be trim and fit and most of the time I would not trade that accomplishment for any other. I have a good friend who has the same hobby (that is how we met) - she is better at it than I am, and spends more time at it and is generally more widely recognized in the community than I am. Sometimes I feel envy for her about these things. But it is interesting to note that she is something like 150 pounds overweight. Her priorities are different from mine.

Somehow...I have found a way that allows me to lose my vanity lbs (I mean minus the BCP water weight gain) without much mental energy. So yes, vanity is the basis of weight goals, but on a day-to-day basis, since losing in itself has/is taken time, its mostly because "what I do" is "what I do." So...that's my very unexciting motive lol - I've felt the same autopilot way when I had an "overeating routine."

I just tend to mull over the topic perhaps a bit more than I need to because I have been holed in this winter and just overthinking EVERYTHING due to a restless yet lazy mind.