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What do you avoid because of weight?
Sometimes thinking about things I actually avoid because of my weight gain helps motivate me to lose...here are a few:
1. I find every excuse in the book not to skype with friends. Most of them knew me pre weight gain and have no idea I look like I do. I don't have a Facebook, so, they haven't seen me. 2. erm....I have no Facebook. Aside from the fact that it annoys the piss out of me, I don't have one because I don't want people to see me, particularly in photos, hence... 3. I disallow family from posting pictures of me that others can see. These are just a few things I find limiting on a daily basis and it's only gotten worse. Most of my friends are long distance so it's becoming harder and harder to find excuses not to "see" them online. ugh. Thoughts? What have you all avoided because of the weight and how does it feel to have those parts of your life back if you've lost the weight? |
There are things I don't do because of my weight, I avoid skype with my family. I keep the camera pointed at my kid so that they spend time with him but I always stay out of camera shot. Every month or so I'll pop my head in to let them see me for a few minutes but my mother can be very direct with her criticism so I avoid it as much as I can.
I don't avoid photos or facebook because there are some good shots of me. Not as "good" as I want them to be but I don't want there to be no record of my existence, how would my loved ones feel when I'm gone that they have no pictures to treasure? I scrutinize over the pictures that I allow online and then just let them be. I figure that everyone already knows what I look like, just because I don't want to look at myself doesn't hide anything really. I don't go shopping as much as I'd like. I hardly ever buy clothes for myself. I don't allow myself to be fashionable when I'm feeling insecure and that could mean months and months of not buying anything new. I hate the feeling of rifling through clothes on a rack that don't fit me. Regarding facebook, I know a lot of people who are not on facebook. But what I know is that even those people who refuse to get a facebook account are on facebook in one way or another. Other people are posting pictures of them, with them etc. At least by joining facebook, you can gain control of those pictures that others are posting. That's just my opinion. I don't really know anyone who's not on facebook even if they don't have an account - there's a picture trail. |
1. I avoid shopping like the plague. I always have. I wear mainly t-shirts and jeans. For anything else, I try like **** to get it online. I only go to shops to buy clothes if I know for sure that they have my size. It gets really embarrassing otherwise.
2. Horse riding. I used to love horse riding when I was young (until I was about 15). One day when I was on a horse, some school kids were passing and said, in their native language, 'there's an elephant on that horse', thinking I didn't understand, and my skinny friend started laughing as well (not out of spite, she just found it funny and thought I wasn't offended). I laughed as well because I didn't want to seem affected, but it really stung, and although I love it, I never sat on a horse again. At this stage, I wouldn't want to put the poor horse through the trauma, but I'm dying to do it again. 3. Go to beaches with friends. Self explanatory :p |
Airplane travel. I fit fine (now) in the seats but they are still so close together and airplanes so full that I'd need to be 30-40 pounds lighter to have the room I need being slightly claustrophobic. I still go but it's an unpleasant part of travel unless I upgrade to first class.
Pictures. I'm always in back. The head on other's shoulders or I'm the one taking them. It's true that should something happen to me, the photographic evidence of my existence would be scant but that was true even before I got fat. I'll have to think about that one. |
1) Swimming with my child. I have always avoided swimming because I hate bathing suits (with the exception of my forced lifeguard training). Once I realized I could go to the beach and not wear one, I started loving the beach.
2) Sledding with my child. I know she'd love it. Despite not really being overweight, it is embarrassing for me to walk up the hill, huff and puff, and to wear snowpants? Ugh. |
I avoid roller coasters. I used to love to ride the 1st seat of the Beast at King's Island. But now I'm afraid I won't fit or will be too uncomfortable.
Post full length pics on Facebook. Skype. Go to class reunions, which at my school are held every year for all the classes in addition to being held every 10 years for individual classes. Get together with my childhood, high school, and college friends when I go back home. I just go see my family. It's really sad. |
I don't go to the supermarker I used to work at years ago at my first job beacuse I was about 25kg lighter then. Don't want to go back until I have reached close to my goal as a lot of the same people still work there
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I avoid flying. I've read stories about people lighter than I am being asked to buy an extra seat or upgrade to first class. I'll fly again when I'm in onederland.
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Like some other people have said- flying and amusement park rides.
I guess I avoid pictures but my issue tends to be I think my face looks weird, I'm use to my body being large. |
I hid in the bathroom at my sister in law's wedding when it came time for the photo. They spent about ten minutes looking for me. I don't go anywhere that I might run into someone who knew me before I gained weight. I pretend I don't see people I know. A man I used to work with when I was thin, spotted me at the mall and yelled my name (how he recognized me, IDK). I just kept walking in the hopes that he might think that he was mistaken. My daughter was on the HS dance team, at the last home game, they were going to call parents of seniors out to stand with their daughters for a presentation. I just happened to get "sick" so I didn't have to go. That's horrible, I know...
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Originally Posted by DeannG: |
I need to say something here. My heart is breaking. I'm lucky that I have never had health issues that might have pushed me toward a healthier lifestyle sooner than what I did. But even at 250+ pounds, I never avoided doing something I wanted to do because of my weight. You can easily fly. Missing out on a life event like being in a family wedding photo or a child's night to be recognized for something they accomplished is a sad, sad way to deal with things. We are what / who we are. Most of the time, other people accepts us for that - whatever that may be. Those that don't are not worth worrying about.
Everything I ever did involving family and friends from about 1978 until 2 years ago involved doing it at various degrees of "fatness." I know that I'm older than many of you, but PLEASE learn to love yourself for who you are and DO NOT avoid family and friends because of your weight. You miss too much of what is important in life by doing that. It's wonderful that we are all in here trying to improve our health, our lives, our weight. But life is not intended to stop and wait. I have a close family member - we are as close as sisters - who is dying of cancer. She is a year younger than I am. She looks like heck most of the time, but she still does things, especially where her friends and family are concerned, because she feel that it's important to enjoy all the days she has and share them with the people she loves. What if the only memory a loved one has of you is that you never showed up for family functions? That would be sad. As far as flying and roller coasters - well, you're on your own there until you feel comfortable! LOL. But I flew at 250+ pounds with no trouble, and rode roller coasters and other rides, too. Bottom line - don't sell yourselves short. Live it up and enjoy every minute of this life. It's the only one you have. Lin |
Chairs with arms. (Although I do fly several times a year- I feel badly for my seatmates, and spend the entire flight trying to "squeeze" myself into the space of my seat only. On my last flight, the slim woman sitting next to me saw what I was trying to do and very cheerfully raised the arm rest between us and urged me to be comfortable- nice lady.)
I avoid seeing old friends when I travel back east to see my family- I hate that I do that, but I'm 120 pounds heavier than the last time I saw them. I didn't go to my childhood/high school/college best friend's wedding across the country, even though she knows from our phone calls that I've gained "a bit" of weight. I don't avoid, per se, family events, but I feel awful being the "fat one" in my family. The sad thing is that my baby brother was always the chubby one when we were kids, and I wasn't very kind to him. He's now the skinniest in our family, and he's never once mentioned/made a big deal about my weight. My family ALWAYS offers me the front seat of the car, and I know it's because of my weight even though they don't say it, and it is just so embarrassing. Both of my brothers are married/engaged to really thin (size 0) women, so that makes things worse. I'm the oldest, single, no kids, and fat. I know that they would be sad to hear me say this, but being around my family makes me feel...not great. In the last two years, both of my brothers have gotten engaged, one got married and is now expecting a baby. So there have been a LOT of family gatherings, parties, weddings, etc. I was home last weekend, and at brunch with my parents they mentioned that they feel badly that I basically just cheer for and celebrate my brothers' exciting life events, while my life is pretty stagnant and really small right now. And they're right, that's what I do, and I'm just pretty over it. There's a lot that I avoid because of weight. |
As weird as it seems, I avoid the gym although I pay for a membership and need to go. It can be so embarrassing! There are so many mirrors and all I do is see myself in a million different angles, all sweaty and gross looking.
Otherwise, I'll concur with the posters above that said shopping, being in a bathing suit in public, amusements parks/rides, going out with friends to the bar/club, and airplanes. It's sad! |
I avoided updating my picture on fb because I'd gotten fat and frumpy. I used to get a shock in dressing room mirrors when I saw myself. It's pretty hard to ignore your weight when you see if reflected from three different angles, so I thought it better to avoid them when possible.
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This thread has me confused. And here is why. It isn't this thread but many threads on 3FC.
I see over and over again in threads people saying if you should be happy with your weight no one should judge you. Or usually in threads regrading significant others (the male most of the time) is chastised for saying something about the weight. Well I was never am not now happy about my weight. How could I be? I think that is totally normal. I NEVER want to be happy or ok with being as overweight as I am. NEVER. But the same time I would never not let people see me or take pictures or have Facebook. I know this is just me as an individual but I am not going to hide from the weight. I am not going to pretend it isn't there. I KNOW I am not my weight. Own it, conquer it, deal with it, overcome it, is my approach. I also separate weight from other things. Am I a good husband, friend, father, worker, son? Yes. I also happen to heavy which I am never happy about and even worse resigned to. I had been resigned to it and I think that is the worse and I totally understand it happens from time to time. Hated the pictures of me also. I get that. But they are what they are. But anyhow I get very confused on the boards where people are, rightfully, saying you should have good self-esteem, and weight is weight not who you are as a person. I agree with all of that. But then doing all the things listed in above posts. Just very confusing. |
You're right, I do think that everyone agrees that we should all have good self esteem, we should feel comfortable with ourselves and value ourselves, and while recognizing that we need to lose weight (for our own health and because we want to, not for anyone else), we shouldn't let that bring us down by letting it define us.
But simply put, it's easier said than done. More than anything, I want to be happy with who I am and not feel embarrassed about my weight, but it's not a switch I can turn on and off. I can't wake up one day and say, 'that's it, today I don't care what the world thinks, I am who I am and I'm ok with it'. I'm sure I speak for many people here when I say that we are trying to get over our fears and are trying not to let our weight hold us back, but it's not an overnight thing it does take time, and we are trying. Hope that answers a bit of your question :) |
I guess this is why it is so confusing. I DON"T think you should ever say you are ok with it. I think that is the WORSE thing. I have a weight problem. But it isn't going to define me. There are plenty of horrible, awful people who SHOULD be ashamed of themselves and are skinny.
I am a good person, happy with myself as a person, not happy with my weight, not EVER ok with it. But I am not going to HIDE from it. And I get if people think I shouldn't be what I weigh. I myself don't think I should. But the weight isn't me, it is an aspect of me, and not a defining one at that. It has also helped me to understand all the politics, money, and big business interests in creating such an unhealthy food/weight environment in the US. That has helped me in two ways. Realizing there were forces making it at the least, very easy to get overweight. And anger at those forces and wanting to well, frankly, shove my good and improving health in their faces and never partake of their products ever again. |
Originally Posted by diamondgeog: |
Originally Posted by diamondgeog: |
Originally Posted by SkinnyBee78: And the individual choice thing is not the whole story. There are food islands. There are many millions of poor people who don't have reliable transportation and the only food, literally, available to them is starchy, high carbs, fattening, extremely unhealthy food. We artificially deflate the price of corn and inflate the price of sugar. Look it up. Sugar costs more in the US then anywhere in the world. So America, by far, has the highest HFCS consumption per capita in the world. Kids and adults of course are bombarded by fast food commercials. We have allowed happy meals and toys and all that. In many locations the only playground is a McDonalds. This is the tip of the iceberg. It is a complete and total illusion that it is JUST about individual choice. The USDA has promoted low fat over low carbs for decades and look what happened. The environment is supremely unhealthy and it isn't just about giving people what they want. It is about every trick in the book to promote the most unhealthy but most profitable food. It is very much the companies themselves promoting and advertising in every shameless way whatever is most profitable. Let me say individual choice is extremely important. We are fortunate enough to be able to afford healthier food, not everyone is. But it is costly. And for economic survival we have to have two incomes. I know most do. I am not complaining. But that does complicate always being able to eat at home. And within a block of our house there are a multitude of fast food places. Not many healthy places or choices. And the corn fed beef is artificially subsidized and the bread in the bun. Think someone serving a healthy choice can create a $1 menu item? Really hard. That hamburger is subsidized by all of us in many ways. Growing up I got school lunches. I am sure I got a lot of HFCS. But that was the choice, the only choice for me. Thank goodness they were available, not complaining about that. But they probably were not very healthy. There is not a level playing field. A lot of the most unhealthy aspects of American diets are given heavy advantages by very powerful groups. We are the HFCS capital of the world NOT because of individual choice but because of politics. I doubt there was an American CONSUMER around that said yeah give me HFCS. But there were plenty of business people who saw a killing, sadly literally, to be made. |
diamond,
I made peace with my weight for a number of years. Did I think it was the highest and best form that my body could manifest? Clearly no, but like a scar from an injury it was what it was and I needed time to heal from the injury that caused the scar in the first place. It is only now that I am able to deal in a healthy way with that scar or roughly 100 pounds of fat. In my response I said I shied away from pictures like many of the others but I also noted that I was camera shy well before I was fat (and as a child). After thinking about it after I posted that bit of intel, I realized that I was never fully comfortable with myself as an image. I tend to live inside my head and what I saw in photos for good and ill was "not me" essentially. I can't explain it better than that. I may always be camera shy. As for meeting old friends, family, classmates, people that haven't seen me since gaining weight, it's a hard thing, especially I think for women who tend to be judged on their appearance more than any other criteria and much more heavily on that criteria alone. The look of shock was the first bullet to take. In the past I had old co-workers (mostly male) that were so uncomfortable talking to me on a chance meeting after I got fat that for their sakes (as well as my own) I tend not to attend reunions of folks that I haven't seen in a very long time. That might also be the truth for me after I've lost weight. I don't know if I can bear the comments about my appearance, even for the good. I am the same person. I can't abide being judged for my shell and yet I'm a realist. It happens all the time. Unless you've been in those situations where the person you are talking to clearly wants to bolt or is distinctly looking for a fast get away or on the flip side yadda, yadda about how good you look now, you just can't get how uncomfortable that situation is for both parties really. Even some members of my family are "ashamed" of my appearance (still after all these years) even though I'm always well groomed, well dressed and attend scrupulously to details of hygiene. Until I didn't care any more about what they thought, I only came back to the states for important funerals. It's not as much about self esteem per se, it's more about preserving whatever level of self esteem you have. I don't think anyone wants to have whatever self esteem they possess be it high or low voluntarily shot through with holes. For example I suspect Oprah Winfrey has pretty high self esteem but I don't see photos of her parading around in a bathing suit or skimpy clothes. She chooses her battles like we all do given our own personal weaknesses. That's how I see this issue. Because I've been fat for so long I've tried to live my life to the fullest, not putting things off for when I'm not fat, which includes strenuous activity, sailing, travel, the beach, nice clothes (as nice as fat clothes can be) a nice home, hobbies, a good marriage, but I also pick my battles. I tend to fly first or business class because I'm large and mildly claustrophobic, I gird up for visits with the family and I don't volunteer to make myself and others uncomfortable by going out of my way to meet what are essentially old strangers. My 2 cents. |
Vintagecat,
I respect all of that. Very well articulated. Makes a lot of sense. And yes even as a guy I know what not to wear. I even have a 'tucked shirt' exemption from my boss (I am only joking a little). I was just never OK when I had a huge gut tucking my shirt in. I didn't want to see it, I am sure no one else did. My gut is way down but still don't tuck my shirt in. Back to HFCS just a little. Found a great, recent article. We always check labels for it now. And I have given up soda, even diet for almost a year now. Very little fast food since May. 2 visits to Five Guys for a burger on lettuce, really tasty btw. But it is really scary HFCS and the United States. http://www.sott.net/article/266575-F...outh-of-the-US |
Originally Posted by vintagecat: |
diamond,
I agree with you on the HFCS. It's a travesty in the richest country in the world that we have such general poor nutrition and crappy food choices. I made a comment earlier on another thread about our young girls carrying most of their excess weight high, little pre-apples in the making. I blame hormones in our foods and possibly HFCS. It's a disaster. Additionally meat eaters have very little choice. We are doing okay financially but we can't afford range fed hormone and antibiotic free beef with any regularity. As far as I know, chicken that is organic and hormone free is not regularly available in this town. Our food system is sad indeed. I try to opt out with growing my own, buying organic and from farmers markets when possible. |
Originally Posted by vintagecat: |
not to mention, diamond, women in western society (and others) are valued for their bodies over everything else; men do not suffer from the same issue. additionally, because of this difference, overweight men see positive representations of themselves in media - male, overweight sitcom characters frequently have beautiful wives and an awesome family, for example. women do not get featured as main characters this way, let alone overweight women.
media representation has a huge influence over self esteem; it affects how others interpret you and how you see yourself. crash diets are more frequently targeted to women, unrealistic weight goals are pushed, and many women are led to feel that they are worthless if they're above a certain body fat percent. because "diet" is a word that is so largely associated with women, dr pepper came out with a product called "dr pepper 10" and its entire campaign was based around the idea that this was a drink meant for men, belittled women in the commercials to create a deeper separation from their product and femininity, and boasted that it wasn't like all of those other diet drinks because it had "10 masculine calories". another example of what i mean: i was watching how i met your mother a little over a year ago and the main character, ted, went on a date with a really beautiful girl; everything was perfect and they got on the subject of eating habits, and ted made the comment that she shouldn't feel ashamed of what she eats and that she should be able to eat whatever she wants. it then came out that she was a "former fatty". the punchline was that he fled the scene as soon as this was revealed and all of his friends approved of his actions. this had been before i'd started dating again and i'd avoided dating for months, despite wanting to, because of it. in fact, i've never told any of the people i've dated about my weight loss because i'm ashamed of it and fear this exact scenario. anyway, tl;dr: women face much different hurdles than men do and our self esteem, because of societal representation and thus societal expectations of how a woman should be, is much more rooted in the external. |
Diamond, I understand your confusion. It is a mixed message. And in my case, I think it's because my thoughts and emotions are two very different things. I have two ways of responding to everything in life: logically with my thoughts and emotionally with my feelings, and as intelligent as I am, my emotions are usually more powerful than my thoughts. I can be very logical when giving advice to others, and I understand fully what I "should" do when it comes to my own behavior, but the bottom line is my emotions usually overpower my thoughts and no amount of logic is going to change the fact that I am too embarrassed to be seen at this weight by my former friends and classmates who knew me when I was thin. With my new friends, who have always known me at this weight, no problem. With my family, who loves me unconditionally and has watched me get larger over the years, no problem. But with my old friends, whom I've been separated from by location for years, I can't get past how embarrassed and ashamed I am that I let my weight get this out of control from the time that they knew me, and I am horrified at the thought of letting them see me like this. It's an emotional reaction. I "know" I shouldn't let these emotions keep me from seeing them or letting them see me, but the guilt is more powerful than the logic. I could argue all the best reasons for why I shouldn't let the guilt rule me and I agree wholeheartedly with the reasons, but my emotions still overpower my thoughts. So the best solution for me is to lose the weight and start doing the things I've been fearful of doing, like going to class reunions, and that's the path I am now taking.
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I could have written this. I tend to avoid Skype and Facebook for those reasons, too -- I just don't want anyone to see what I look like now, and it feels like I'm missing out on a lot. I also avoid cameras, going out with friends, clothes shopping, fun activities that require a certain level of fitness, and dating.
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I know, but not first hand, the judgement and pressure on appearance is more for women. More INTENSE.
But don't think for a second the media gives a free ride to overweight guys. The fat guy is usually the funny, sweet, asexual friend. Not taken seriously as boyfriend material. Often not taken seriously at all. |
-Dating. I know plenty of people have found relationships and even love at larger weights. In my head, any guy who has interest in me is either looking for what he hopes to be an easy lay or he has a fetish. This may very well be entirely false, but I just can't get past it.
-Exercising with friends. I'm so very self-conscious about my heavy breathing when I exercise, that around other people I feel like I'm about to suffocate trying to breathe quietly! -Lately, shopping. I've always loved shopping at any size. But I'm at this point of not wanting to buy any more in my current size, but still having a good bit to go before dropping a size (usually takes about 20-30 lbs for me). So at the moment, it's just frustrating and depressing for me. Also, my proportions are just different than they ever were before, even at the same weight. My belly is bigger than everything else and nothing fits right. ugh! -Flimsy patio furniture. I will stand all night long in the most uncomfortable shoes ever before I will sit in some little chair I know is gonna get stuck on my a** when I try to stand back up, and I fear may even break when I sit in it. I've never broken a chair, but some have felt extremely unsteady and it makes me very nervous. |
diamondgeog-
I think it's as simple as this: Yes, we need to encourage ourselves and talk ourselves up to be positive. Because (for me at least) positive attitudes and weight loss go hand in hand. But sometimes, you just need to VENT. The reality is that not all of us are so wonderfully well-adjusted that we go through life without letting our weight hold us back. I dare say most of us aren't. And saying out loud (or writing on screen) the ways in which we let our weight hold us back, can be a step in realizing how ridiculous that behavior is. It helps you acknowledge what you're missing and makes you evaluate whether it's WORTH missing over something as silly as worrying about your weight. Too often, we can easily tell others that they are being overly self-conscious in a certain situation, but can't say the same to ourselves in that very same situation. Posts like this help us to not feel alone in our struggles. It also helps us to confront whether we are struggling more than we ought to. I'm not one to drone on about how horrible my fat life is or to call myself names. It's very counter-productive. But I also don't want to block out a part of my reality that I'm NOT happy and I do have a lot of negative thoughts, and it's OKAY to talk about those things. |
Eh, maybe I live under a rock and I don’t watch many TV shows, but it seems like there is an equal amount of good looking thin men AND women in the media. If you are not a good looking thin man, then your only option is to do comedies. So yeah, men have a little more leeway in Hollywood... not much though.
...Like many others, at my highest weight I NEVER wanted my picture taken. In fact, I don’t think I have any pictures of me at my highest - sometimes I wish I did, just to compare. |
Up until about 16, I was thin. After that point, my weight fluctuated. I was usually around a size 8, but at times I'd be heavier and go up to about a 12 and sometimes be a little lighter and go down to a 4.
Anytime I was above my size 4 weight, I avoided dating someone new because I was avoiding have sex with someone new. I also avoided wearing clothes that were at all revealing -- never wore sleeveless tops or skirts. I've been a size 2 or 4 for about 3 years now. I'm way more comfortable showing my body now. I don't think my perfectionist tendencies have really changed though; I just happen to be meeting the standards I hold for myself now. I'm pretty sure that if I gained 20 pounds, I'd again feel uncomfortable in my skin and unsexy. Where did my standards come from? Society? Myself? I'm sure it's a mix of both, but I hold high standards for myself in all areas. So I think it's mostly from me. Weight just happens to be the area where I'm most insecure. What's crazy is how much my own judgement of myself overrides anyone else's. During my heavier phases, if I was already in a relationship, the guy I was seeing was never critical. From their words, to their actions, to the way they looked at me, it was clear they desired me. But I didn't see myself as desirable so I still felt unsexy. And during my heavier phases when I was single, I'd reject every guy who showed interest because I was "certain" that my clothes and persona were tricking them into seeing me as hot and that once they saw me naked they wouldn't want me anymore. I know these thoughts are false and unhealthy, but they lived in me and probably still would. I never judge anyone else the way I judge myself. I have a really loving, accepting attitude towards others in all ways, but am so strict with myself. |
Originally Posted by SkinnyBee78: Something I don't do because of my weight: Horseback riding. I took a few riding lessons as a kid and would love to try it again, but I won't do it until I'm light enough not to hurt the horse. |
I don't wear shorts basically ever.
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I don't wear shorts basically ever.
Me either but I didn't think of that until you said it. Ditto sleeveless things. I summer in a cool climate where capri or flood pants are fine and short sleeves are cool enough. |
Meeting new people and joining social groups. I'm just too self-conscious and feel inferior.
And initiating conversations, especially with men. I just assume I'm totally unattractive so why would anybody be interested in me, especially in a romantic way? |
What is very sad is that some people who are avoiding things are at or close to a healthy weight. What's up with that???
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i dont wear a bikni my mother has it drilled in my head im not thin enough to wear one yet and it looks bad.she only says this becaue she "loves me" mind you i dont look the best in one yet but id still wear one anyway if it wasnt for her. i dont go clothes shopping yet.
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