After being overweight basically my entire life, finally at the age of 28 I dropped 50 lbs. I'm 5'8-5'9 and 144. For the first time ever, guys are noticing me. A lot. I have gotten asked out on the train, walking down the street, while I'm on a date (!), at work...it's pretty much constant. And I'm attracting doctors, lawyers, consultants, and other successful smart types of guys. It's what I always wanted and dreamed of. I get stares and compliments all the time now. Before, at a heavier weight, I was invisible. Guys never noticed me
At all. I was the ugly, fat friend. So this is strange for me.
So...im hot now apparently. why then do I feel terrible? I feel more self conscious and miserable than ever before. I get asked out on dates for pretty much every day of the week--I should be happy! But instead I feel like I don't trust any of them and I get squeamish and weird about them touching/kissing me. It kind of freaks me out because it's all so foreign to me. I feel like a different person and it's unsettling and confusing. Men have tried to date me just for my body, and it's
Really upsetting.
Has anyone else experienced this? How do you deal? I've started therapy but it's still a struggle to trust men and their intentions.
This is one of my biggest fears. I'm afraid I'm going to lose the weight and all these people are going to be interested in me as a friend or significant other and I'm never going to believe any of it is sincere. Im afraid I'm going to start to really dislike people. Especially if I lose weight and realize the world treats you better when you're not fat, regardless of if you deserve it or not.
With guys, how are you supose to tell if they like you for your personality or not?
Sorry, I'm no help. It's nice to know someone else feels this way too.
See, you have to be careful what you wish for. It is too bad that you didn't meet someone when you were heavier, that way you would know that they liked you and not just your booty. You will find someone, you will know it when the right one comes along. Enjoy yourself for awhile, get to know you, what you like and where you want to be in 5 yrs. Congrats on the losses
I have a suggestion. Turn it the other way around. YOU ask a guy out. And if you want to be appreciated for your personality, then pick someone on the same criteria you wish to be asked out for, regardless of their appearance, even if they are overweight, buck teeth, bald, whatever.
I know this sounds a little harsh, but I think guys who are not stereotypical "hot" or who are quite the opposite are more likely to appreciate someone for what's inside and not outside. (Not always, I know.)
But either way, it sounds like you have to turn it the other way around and start taking the chances. Probably the personality type that you are seeking is also not the same personality type that asks out hot chicks such as yourself all the time.
Also, you know what its like to feel overweight and you know that it takes a VERY STRONG person to be "fat" or otherwise unseen due to physical appearances. Don't pass them up either in your cross hairs, eagle eye.
I once was SO CLOSE to slipping a note to a Starbucks barrista, because he understood why soy lattes get those little solid bits on the bottom (it's tofu) and I was so smitten regardless that he was rather large and not someone girls would normally say is hot. I totally thought he was just after he said one measly sentence It showed he appreciated the subtler things in life.
When I was in my mid twenties, I starved myself and got down to 140 lbs. I was hit on a lot, but like you, I was terribly uncomfortable about it. I felt that men just wanted to use me. Some of them were creepy. I was used to being ignored and I missed my old life where I didn't have to deal with that. So then I did the worst possible thing - I gained it all back and more. Now I am starting all over again and my health has suffered in the process. I hope this doesn't affect you the way it affected me.
Congrats on your success! I am certain that you will be able to determine who is right for you.
the same problem here...i regained some of my weight becuase i didn't like the attention but secretly i craved for it. that was not the only reason.
i also don't like them touching me or kissing me...and i've never been on a date so ...yeah. you should do what girls already mentioned you ask the guy out. and it's not like you have to accept every date invitation you get
I notice people in general are friendlier, I wonder if it has to do with a vibe I am giving off, i.e. I am happier and feel better in my own skin than I did before. I think that shows and people are drawn to it.
As far as feeling uncomfortable with someone kissing you or touching you, I say trust your instincts, when it's right it will feel right, if it feels wrong it probably is...
Get to know yourself, do things that you like to do and you will meet people who like to do those same things, you've got lots of life ahead if you, enjoy it, and be safe!
I'm glad you're getting therapy, that will help you get to the bottom of this. We all believe that losing weight is the end of our struggle but in fact, it begins a whole other struggle once the weight comes off. Most of us come to feel like our fat is like a security blanket that we hide behind. When it comes off we feel exposed, confused, and unnatural. It takes a while for your brain to acclimate to your new body and that's bringing on a sense of resentment towards the people who are instantly pleased with it.
Take all the time you need, but don't retreat into yourself so much that you gain the weight back out of fear. Just because your outside is more attractive to more people now doesn't mean that somebody will not love you for who you are, give it time and try to enjoy some of the attention.
Thanks everyone for the kind words of support. It really is an identity crisis in a way, I hardly even recognize myself. I hit the 50 lb mark 6 months ago, and since then my weight has gone up and down by about 8 lbs several times. my lowest weight was 139, I'm now 146---and working to get off this 6 lbs and keep it off, because I know what a slippery slope it can be when it comes to gaining it back.
Just think of it as a biological thing. Men (and women) are biologically built to be attracted to healthy and "attractive" people. Obviously, one person's "attractive" is not the same as the next person's. But don't think of these guys as sleazy or shallow just b/c they are attracted to you and are asking you out. It's a good thing! I know it's weird b/c you're not used to it, but just take it as a compliment and smile! Be flattered! You are beautiful and deserve to have the attention.
Location: Anchorage AK in the summer, Lawrence KS and travel in the winter
Posts: 222
S/C/G: High 285+ 256/ticker/160ish
Height: 5'6"
I have been in your shoes. I was built normally as a teen but being a tomboy and shy and awkward I didn't really date much. I married early and disastrously in my very early 20s, gained a good bit of weight (205-ish#) and then got divorced and lost a bunch in my mid-late 20s for about 6 years. (to 125-130#)
Same deal. Guys were flitting all over like bees to a rose but not many of the nice ones IMO. I too had problems with people wanting to be friends or lovers that previously hadn't had the time of day for me or wouldn't have if they knew me when I was fat. I was the same person, I just looked different. I wasn't more radiant, I wasn't more friendly or outgoing, I was just pretty.
I should have gotten therapy at that time. It would have saved me a great deal of physical and other problems later but I didn't understand at that time that I had a need for it even though I was lost, angry and suspicious of (and also flattered by) people's motives/interest when they approached me. Unfortunately being raised in an old fashion way and passive as a female role, I let the guys do the choosing. Bad idea.
In the end after a very hostile incident with sexual harassment at work while in training I regained the weight and more. I then found that I needed therapy and only now, 25+ years later do I feel safe enough and have enough understanding to shed the protective cloak of invisibility. It helps that I married a kind man that has accepted me at any weight though he himself does not have a weight problem and that I'm over 50 which is another type of cloak of invisibility.
Like the others I encourage you to continue therapy and to do the choosing of men (and friends) yourself. Trust me, having had the experiences of three lifetimes, when I say that actions speak louder than words. Watch how someone you might be interested in treats others that might be "beneath" them. Wait-staff, cashiers and other service people, fat people, children, animals. A lot of information is there for the taking if one is willing to see it. It is tempting to ally with powerful people for the sake of itself but be very choosy. It's okay to not be friends with unkind people or those that might use you.
I wish you great success.
Cathy
Last edited by vintagecat; 08-25-2013 at 08:44 PM.
Also, don't feel like every guy that flirts with you or asks you out is a creep.
Like someone else said, humans are engineered to be attracted to other humans that look radiant and healthy.
We are hard wired to seek out someone that looks like they are in good health and also take care of themselves.
You HAVE invested in yourself and I am SURE that you put off a much more pleasant vibe than when you felt poorly and was at a more unhealthy weight.
Looks are one way we judge people. We may not like the idea, but first impression is almost exclusively visual. People that are uncomfortable with themselves do not tend to put out the best first impression. That isn't being prejudice, that is just a fact.
And it's not just a number either. It whether we feel good at where we are. Life is pretty much a tradeoff in some areas. You've made the effort to look like you do, just get to a point to where you can enjoy the attention it brings without associating all the negative emotions with it.
Location: Home of the Pirates, Steelers and Penguins
Posts: 13,421
S/C/G: 217/176/142
Height: 5'2
This is why they say that losing weight is not going to make all your problems go away. You probably had these same feeling before, but you were able to hide behind your weight. Now the weight isn't there, so now what are you going to do?
When I was in my 20's I didn't trust guys who flirted with me, and I was thin. I had no self esteem and thought they were flirting with me as a joke. I did a lot of socializing in groups.....safety in numbers....but not much one-on-one dating. After getting to know some of the guys in our group, I started to feel more secure about myself and started to date more.
If there are groups of friends you could spend time with, in time you will develop more confidence and feel more comfortable dating one-on-one.
It's all understandable. That's a lot of change to encounter.. I'm sure in time you will figure it out, but in the meantime we are here for you and are rooting for ya.
Last edited by belovedspirit; 08-26-2013 at 09:00 AM.
Everyone here already said what makes sense. You'll sort the rest out in therapy.
Personally, I try to enjoy the attention as a result and reflection of my hard work. "Try" is the operative word. I too have a love/hate relationship with male attention. My gran says soak it up now before you're 60 and invisible (again).
Just popping by. I'm 5'8, 140, pushing toward 135/130. My heaviest was 170. If you need a buddy to keep you from sliding down that "slippery slope", might be nice having someone who is a similar build. I could use someone to hold (virtual) hands through maintenance too.
So, it turns out I'm hot
It showed he appreciated the subtler things in life.
I am certain that you will be able to determine who is right for you.
