I am depressed, plain & simple. I cannot for the life of me figure out why food has such a hold on me. Why do I wake up in the morning thinking of what I could make for breakfast, lunch, supper, and snacks, WHY?

Why do I allow myself to be this big when I could do something about it? It seems like I get really motivated, do really great, and BAM, just like that I am right back where I started. I KNOW that there is a sexy, HAPPY, person somewhere inside of this large shell, but HOW do I get her out, when all I ever do is FAIL?

I am not sure how many of you are familiar with the person on this board named Posy, if you are familiar with her, she is my diet buddy that I met here a long time ago, she has succeeded, and is close to her goal weight now, I am soo proud of her, and at the same time, angry at myself that I was much smaller than she was to begin with, and now she is about 70 pounds lighter than me

I wrote to her tonight, and this is part of my letter, this shows how down I have been

*I feel like I just need to throw in the towel and accept that I am destined to be FAT forever. You were strong, and are still strong, and that is why you have succeeded, I am weak, and I start diets, then go off of them, food has complete control over me, and I hate it. I had the pleasure ( NOT ) of seeing my brother for the first time in months, and of course he had to comment about the way I look, gee thanks JERK! Ugggh! I know I am fat, I know I have gained a TON of weight ( my 22's are almost to tight now, Ugggh ) and I know my face is almost doubled in size. I was 235 a couple of weeks ago, but who knows what it is now, my guess is 245, I cannot control myself, and there is NOBODY to blame but ME! *



I decided to post this because I NEED HELP, food is like a drug for me, and I dont know how to get past this, and start living again. I have the desire, but where does the willpower come from?
You dont have to respond, just getting this off my chest has made me feel so much better! ((hugs)) to anyone who reads, it is helpful knowing that I am not the only one in this boat

I know you didn't expect a response from anyone, but I couldn't help but say I have SO been where you are. Three years of a rollercoaster ride of diet. I don't know what finally made me take a real look at myself, but it was at that point I KNEW if I didn't make a change my self esteem and depression would forever hold me down. It will happen for you too. One day you'll just go "aha!" and that will be the first day of your journey to a permenant healthier lifestyle. I've only lost 9 lbs, but already I feel more in tune with myself and my body. I've even begun to feel sexy again *blushes*.

Hugs,
Hollie

Hi Hillary,

Every word of your post, I could have written myself!! I made an entry in my journal today ... the first one for a long time! I was so ashamed of myself when I re-read some of my past entries ... all the promises etc. that I keep making to myself ... only to break them a week or two later!

I decided that I must be such a weak person to let food take control of my life, such a failure. I feel like I've wasted the past 15 years of my life 'on a diet' ... only to keep getting fatter! I don't want to live like this any longer, life's too short to be miserable and depressed all the time ... which is how I feel right now.

Anyway, I got to thinking about Ali (Posy), who's only 2lbs from her goal now. She said a long time ago that you're only a failure if you don't keep trying. So that's what I'm going to do ... I'm going to pick myself up, brush myself off and give it my best shot!

Hillary, you are not in this boat alone ... if we all row together we'll get to our goals! Maybe not this week or this month, but if we stick at it and keep trying WE CAN DO IT!!

DON'T GIVE UP!

Nichola

Hillary - I too am not sure why all of the sudden something just *clicked* in me and I found the strength and motivation to just do it. I'm not sure how much I've lost at this point because I've hidden my scale. I was too addicted to the numbers, and that's something which was contributing to my falling off the wagon too often. One thing that changed was my perspective. I'm not on a "diet." I will never ever ever ever ever go on a "diet" again. Diets are what made me fat to begin with. I finally decided I wanted to live a healthier life. 3FC has been a tremendous help with this. One of the biggest motivators for me lately has been my children. Watching my daughter (14) start to realize her issues and talk to me about them has really opened my eyes to my own behavior, and how it has contributed to her weight, her self image, has made me feel very determined to do my darndest to teach her to love herself, to respect herself, to take care of herself. I look back at my life and I realize I spent way too much time being angry with myself, feeling alone, loathing what I looked like, and feeling sorry for myself rather than accepting responsibility for myself. One day, literally, I woke up and said "this has got to end." So, unlilke many people who feel much more comfortable changing one thing at a time, I completely revamped my life. Overnight, almost. I face my fears, which are weird and twisted because hey - I'm a fat chick. I am accountable for what I eat and how I exercise, and I will NOT be embarrassed in front of my children or my boyfriend any more! I simply refuse. They love me for who I am, I think I will be learning to do the same thing.

I didn't mean to turn this into a book, I guess what I'm trying to say is don't give up. Sometimes all the pieces aren't quite falling into place, but that doesn't mean you stop trying. You just have to figure out what's going to work for you, and really figure out why you're not allowing yourself to do this. Fear is a huge issue. And I think more often than not, we refuse to see we are simply terrified to lose weight. I know I was, I am, and I probably will be for a long time. But as I say over and over to myself... Fear is not the end of this.

Hang in there!!

Thanks so much for your responses

Hollie - Thanks for responding to my post Congrats on losing 9 pounds, that is wonderful!! I am glad that you have finally found the strength to do this after three years!

Nichola- Thank you for your words of encouragement, Ali is so right, you are only a failure if you dont keep trying! I hope that you can find that strength, and make it happen for yourself, its amazing how food takes over in our lives isn't it?

Raventoy- Thank you for responding! I think that you have made a great decision to hide your scales, I notice that I get way to obsessed over the numbers, and get discouraged when I gain a pound. I am glad that you have made a decision to better your self, and that your daughter has helped you find that Good luck on your weightloss journey

Hi Hillary,

I have totally been where you are now, over and over and over again. I too just had the 'A HA' one day. Mine had to do with my kids and really wanting to get out there and run around with them without getting winded or my knee hurting from all the extra weight. I don't really have any great advice like the others that have been here, other than don't give up. You can do this. Rant, rave, whine, cry, and celebrate, we're here for you, all of us. Take Care!!!!

Thanks Jen

Good for you, for deciding to do this My kids are a big factor too, it seems like I am to lazy to get out there & chase my 5 year old boy and my 2 year old boy, and I would LOVE to be an active Mom! Good luck to you

hillary:
I am right there with you. I have found myself weighing in at 250 now, and am so disgusted with myself. I've been doing this my whole life. About two years ago I had that *click* that people talk about, and did well for a long time, but like all things, it did not last. I got down to 185 and stalled there, then up, up,up.
I also have two kids, ages 7 and 4, and I can't keep up. I can hardly walk to the park with them because my back hurts so much.
I'm not making any recommendations, this is just my personal decision, but I am going to see a surgeon next month about gastric bypass surgery. This really is the last resort for me. If this doesn't work, nothing will. My mother had the surgery over 18 years ago, and it has done pretty well for her. I'm just tired of failing. I feel like I either do this, or accept being fat and plan on getting fatter, which doesn't sound to appealing to me.
Geez, I sure am rambling on!
Best of luck to you. You will find support on the boards here no matter what you do or how you feel, so come back often.

Jen

I know what you mean. As a kid I would find where my mother hid the Yodels or devil's food cookies (mmmmm) and I would go and eat one. Then ten minutes later I would go have two more and finish the package before the next day. When I got out of the house, I would think at work about what I would have for lunch. What did I most desire. Then I would go get it and it felt so good. After lunch, I would begin planning what I was going to get for dinner. I live for my next food encounter.

I am absolutely amazed by my fiance and how little he cares about what he has to eat and how often he just "forgets" to eat. HUH?!

Then one day a few years ago, I decided to exercise. I stuck with it and lost a bunch of weight and I felt good. I experienced how differently people treated me as a less heavy person. Then it all fell apart and I am back to my old ways now. Only this time, my body feels different. I notice that it is getting harder to walk around and get in and out of my car. I went to try on wedding dresses and was embarassed at how there wasn't one sample that fit. Being fat sucks.

I wish I knew the secret. If I did, I would pass it along to you. We'll just have to wait for that elusive A-Ha to come our way...me for the second time
Good luck, Ihope you can find your way. I hope I can too!
Carrie

Hillary, you need to use your obsession with food for the greater good! I have the same problem. My mom used to comment that I thought about food a lot and that when I eat food, I act like its really really good. Well I do love food and I always think about my future meals. But now, I just think about how I can make my next meal healthier, with lower calories, but still with a great taste. I'm in the kitchen more now that I'm trying to eat right than I was before. Before the problem for me was mostly convience food, i.e., chips, cookies, fastfood, etc. Now, I try to find substitutions for old favorites and new never before tried foods. Like someone already said start small. Next time you are thinking about your next snack. Tell yourself you will try an apple, yogurt, etc. Let your next snack be what you would normally eat, just less of it. Build up to eating better. Have a salad and a tall glass of water before a big meal so you will eat less. For many of us, the key is eating 6 small meals a day, so you blood sugar never has a chance to get so low that you feel an overwhelming urge to binge.

Good Luck!

Hi Hillary,

Im new to the 3FC forum and this is my very first post. Well I just read your message and I have to say that I cried. Seriously, You just explained exactly how I feel. I wake up in the morning just thinking of what I can eat throughout the day. Even my poor husband is feeling it. Every other day I ask him,"Can we go to here or can we go there" He complains about the whole $$ issue which is understandable. I crave all kinds of foods, not so much the sweets, but eating something I crave just makes me feel sooooo happy I even make promises in exchange for eating out.
I also need help. I know how u feel, be strong and have faith. I know how it is cause I have 2 girls age 9 and 5. My problem is Im overweight at 157. I'm only 5'1. My oldest daughter is normal in weight and my smallest is very thin. I cant seem to please everyone when it comes to planning meals. It is very hard for us moms. I'm with you all the way. I need support too. Lets all help eachother for our own goods. There's a beautiful thin person in all of us. Your new friend, Terry

Been there, done that...still struggle. I had my "a-ha" moment in January and decided that it was time to change my life. I was sick of being fat, sick of my body and tired of being embarassed every time I had my picture taken.

Although I used to be quite thin, food has always been an issue to me and regardless of my actual weight, thought of myself as a "fat" person. After the birth of my son, I struggled for a while, and then finally threw in the towel and became 215 lbs. which is alot for my 5 foot 5 inch frame. I could not believe how differently people treated me. People who had not seen me for a while were whispering behind my back when I came into a room. I was so ashamed, but that was not enough for me to make the change. My goal is to be healthy and at my target weight when I enter my fourties. I finally figured out that the only person that could change this was me, I was doing this to myself, I had to take responsibility.

Look for encouragement everywhere you can get it. The secret to my continued success for me will be exercise. It only took me 6 years to figure it out! I watch my portions because I never realized how much I ate until I wrote it down. This was a big eye opener as was figuring out that my BMI was over 30% which meant I was technically obese. For me, there is no turning back now.

Jen, That is EXACTLY what happens to me, I do really great, lose weight, reach a plateau, get really discouraged, and then gain all of my weight back, I dont know why I cant just hang in there, but if I cant deal with a plateau, how would I ever maintain my weight if I got to my goal weight, I just wish there were a magic pill that would allow you to get to your goal weight overnight. sigh! That is great that you have made the choice for yourself to get gastric bypass, I considered this too after seeing a woman that shocked me! She use to be really heavy, and now she is smaller than me, and looks years younger, she said she had the surgery, and would do it again in a heartbeat. Good luck!!

Carrie, I also live for my next food encounter It is so sad that it has to be that way, I think if all foods tasted the same, than I would be as thin as a rail, but there are so many foods that make me HAPPY! Hang in there, we will both get there one day

Thank you Missymont, that is great advice!! I will try that

Terry ((((hugs)))) Sounds like we have alot in common, my husband alwasy complains because we dont have the money, but I always want to go get snacks, or even after I eat a meal somewhere, I am craving something from another place, the cycle never ends! Planning meals is also very difficult for me, my husband does Atkins, and so he has a seperate meal, and my kids are super picky & so their meals are seperate ( I know, that is screwed up ) then there is MY meal, alot of times I just fix convenience foods, or something like a pizza that just needs heated. If you want to talk, email [email protected]

Simcoe, Good luck with your continued success, I know that exersize is key, I need to start doing that myself I agree that people DO treat you differently when you are heavier, and it is very sad that it had to be like that

HI Hillary- I just read your initial post and the responses. I totally understand where you are, or were when you posted that anyway- I did not have an "AHA" moment exactly- I decided I couldn't wait for that and just made the choice to get thin. I go in to a lot of detail on what is working for me on my site- the link is on the bottom. I would love to support you on your journey- the more I motivate others, the more I motivate myself!

Let me know if I can help you in any way!

Santana Thank you for that post. I was getting more and more frustrated over the ah-ha and click's because I have never had one. It seems so defeating to just sit and wait for them. "Most" say that is what you need to be successful and if that is so I feel doomed.

Hillary Thanks for posting this. My desire is there but I need discipline. I am feeling more positive after read this thread.