This is a lot of power to give someone you don't know.

Also, you're doing a lot of assuming-- about yourself as well as about him.

You have put so eloquently what I would have wanted to say. I agree with everything you've said and I find it troubling how so many on here put so much emphasis on physical appearances.

I too wouldn't have been with the man I'm going to marry had I focused on appearances and even educational level. Yet I don't regret my decision at all.

My fiance was tall, scrawny thing when we met and I was somewhere in the 190-200lb range. Despite our appearances we found each other and I decided to give things a shot with him and I count it among one of the best decisions I made. Our relationship isn't perfect, but he's my best friend and I feel like me around him. Education-wise I have Master's and he has an Associate's but I don't really care about that at all. Besides the guy I dated before him was Pre-Med and while he was intelligent as **** (another trait I found attractive) he was an *******! I got burned badly with him and others when I just went based on physical appearance and educational level and made personality a lesser trait.

My fiance's a person, not a thing to gawk at. I was insanely attracted to him because of who he was. In the years since we started dating he has put on muscle weight and woof! He looks amazing now! ;) I consider this a bonus though, just as he considers my weight loss and fitness a bonus.

It's comforting to know that should something happen and I don't keep this physique that he won't immediately run. I remember bringing it up once, what should happen if I gain the weight back and he looked at me like I had three heads and told me that was a stupid question to ask. He said I should know that he's "not like that." I've never brought it up since.

I truly think a couple should connect on much more than physical appearances. Looks fade when the years pass, things can happen that cause a partner's beauty to fade (disease, accidents, etc.) but a couple's emotional bond should carry them through that.

Maybe I'm young and naive, who knows? I'm just glad I don't have to go out dating in a world where if my body isn't 100% perfect that I will get judged.

Well, like it or not, women are just as guilty. There are plenty of shorter, 'nerdy', skinny, whatever young men who are passed by, day after day, by women because they do not meet a woman's standard.

I think a lot of people who have 'seen the light' so to speak (do not emphasize physical appearances) have done the same thing, over and over again, learning in the process.

I'm well aware than 3FC is very female dominated but part of that is we need to be careful about applying double standards to men.

He's shallow, according to some.

If a woman came here and said she rejected a guy based on a picture and her perception of him, would she be called a shallow jerk? Or would she be told "hey, you can't help what you are attracted to".

I'm sorry that it hurt you. Feeling rejected sucks.

I hope you can move on from this quickly as it was his silence that was what made you feel rejected (at least that's what I got from your post).

None of us, including OP, knows this man. Arguing about whether or not he is a shallow jerk or an honest man will be endless because it's just opinions on this ONE experience. From what I got from the post, he didn't really do anything particularly rude or mean, but that's just what I got from it.

Looks aren't everything and someone can become more attractive over time even if their appearance never changes - but especially with online dating among young people in a "plenty of fish in the sea" environment, I don't think people are willing to take a chance and exert effort to meet someone who doesn't meet their exact specifications.

Double standards, eugh! They keep us from achieving true equality (which is fine by a lot of folks, so it's not always perceived as a bad thing).

Thank you Arctic Mama, great post.

I never said he'd fall madly in love with me if we met. But I don't look ugly close up, even *I* can admit that and I'm generally pretty hard on myself. I have good hygiene, I wear perfume, paint my nails, wear heals, like fitted clothing, I smile a lot, etc.. What he judged me on was a tiny, grainy, dark photo of me in the mirror from the waist up and it wasn't even a close up. My shirt wasn't tight, all it really showed is hey, she's not obese. What's underneath someone's clothing isn't necessarily what you might expect - my trainer was pretty surprised when I finally switched to wearing smaller clothes, he hadn't been aware of just how much weight I'd lost until I wore something tighter. Same goes for most of my clothes now - they fit but don't fit the way I'd like. He has no way of knowing what I actually look like from the tiny thing he got.

You are confusing my OP with everyone else's posts. I never once called him a jerk so please relax. :lol:

Let me make this perfectly clear - I have an opinion of him that was not stated here. Those of you going on rants about "women who call men jerks" need to pull back. I don't think he's a jerk, nor did I say he is one. I think he's young, naive, shortsighted, and entirely too quick to judge. Doesn't mean I think he should have picked me - merely means he moved too fast.

You are assuming that this is 100% about him when it's not.

As I said in a previous post, I've got about a million things going on. I've been single for a year, my last relationship ended badly, and I've been disappointed a number of times since. This isn't one guy stinging me, it's drama repeating itself unnecessarily and no, it isn't always over my weight, this is the first time my weight has ever been an issue. I'm worn down and I'm only just now finding myself with time to curl into a ball to heal. It's been an emotional roller-coaster and I can see the end but I'm still not feeling too hot.

I don't believe anyone said women never do this though.

My first boyfriend is about 5'9" or 5'10", borderline underweight at any given time. Goofy, nerdy, socially inept at times, and not really popular. He's got red hair, brown eyes, and pale skin. For the most part, no one notices him. I noticed him because he was a good person, it wasn't physical.

Second guy I fell for is 5'8" and overweight. He had muscular arms when I met him but he's put on weight since then so they aren't quite as defined. He's got extra weight around his midsection but I don't mind. He seems insecure about his teeth but I've never asked and he refuses to give in to full on smiles. It's just something I picked up on but would never ask about. He's got shorter fingers, very thick, and typically covered in dirt and/or grease from work. The weight he has put on hasn't changed my feelings for him one bit. In fact, I'm moving in 5 days so I've asked to see him here one last time before I leave and he said he'd be over tonight. I couldn't be happier to see him, he could have put on 5 or 10 more pounds in the past month and I wouldn't give one single damn in the world. I'm still gonna hug him just as hard.

I still don't see where gender has come into play here… But having said that, no, my reaction to the woman would be no different. Actually, in past threads on another forum my reaction has been uniform for both genders as has everyone else's on said forum.


Note: This thread really wasn't about him. It was about me. I was hurting and crying, stressed beyond all belief, and lonely. I don't think he's a jerk, if anything I think he's got a lot to learn.

No, he didn't. Like I said above, I don't think he's a jerk. After I sent a picture he didn't answer after 5 minutes so I took that as a hint and "let him go" if you will. I didn't want him to think I was angry with him (which I'm not) and I didn't want to just let it hang there so I was like don't worry about it and left it at that.

But I still have my impression of him which is less negative I suppose - he's 21, excuse me if I don't think he has everything quite figured out yet. :lol: Not that I am so much better but I get the feeling that he hasn't quite matured yet. I'm not saying he should like women who are out of shape, just that maybe he should put a little less emphasis on physical appearance. As it stands, he's willing to outright reject someone who isn't that bad before meeting them. I think someone a little more mature would have at least talked to the person, met them, and then decided. For example...my ex and the other guy I mentioned are physically "inferior"...but I felt more for my ex than I did this guy and if I had a choice between him and the second, I'd take the second. So he might think he's got killer looks but at the end of the day, I'd still take the second guy over him anyways. ;)

This. I don't think we should take it personally when someone is not attracted to us. They could be un-attracted because of the color of our hair, the size of our eyes, our race, our height--whatever--it is totally subjective and it doesn't have to make sense or be fair. Look at it from the other way--if you say a person is beautiful, do you make sure they have earned that beauty? No, it's just a subjective thing, they just are or aren't beautiful in your eyes.

Oh boy. Haha. If you didn't say he's a jerk, well then obviously I wasn't referring to you, right? (Oh, the English language!) I'm quite calm, but it seems like you're determined to think what you want on this particular topic, which makes me wonder why you even posted here at all. Would you prefer we all nodded our heads and agreed with you? Not sure what you're looking for here.

I mainly was directing that comment towards the masses in general. I definitely do not by any means think you don't have the right to feel how you feel!

I think gender comes into play when certain posters (... not you, if I recall) use the term 'shallow jerk' when referring to a man who is making judgments on a woman (as dating potential) based on physique alone. If a woman were to make the same comment here about a man ("he wasn't my physical type"), the term "shallow jerk" would not be used.

It seems that when you ask a crowd of women about a man who writes a girl off based on not meeting his physical standards, he is a "shallow jerk", yet women will not call her a shallow *BEEP* (insert term here) for saying the same thing.

I guess I have the most trouble when another poster says that it is troubling to see how many here "emphasize physical appearance". Like it or not, physical appearance DOES MATTER for many people and that is a tough pill for people to swallow.

I've been fat, I've been thin, I've been pregnant many times so I know what it's like to have an appearance that changes but it would simply be foolish of me to assume that physical attractiveness shouldn't matter to my spouse (again, this is not directed towards you OP but more towards a response of another user).

When i tell my friends a guy is not attracted to me, they invariably say "he must be gay" :D

That must be why I have so many gay friends :lol3:

I met my husband online, and wasn't attracted to him in the least when we met in person. I gave him a chance though, because of his personality, and grew to find him very attractive. Now we've been together for 6 years, married for 3. I am very glad that I gave him a chance, who knows where I would be if I hadn't?!
But if I'm going to be honest, he's the ONLY guy I wasn't attracted to who made it to a date in person or past the first date. I am not saying it's right or wrong, but in the world of online dating (and just plain dating as well), it is what it is. On most online dating sites, there are tons of options and you have to sift through them as best you can.
Sometimes people have an idea in their heads of what they want in a partner, and will not compromise on that at all - perhaps this guy is like that. It might be a little harsh, but I don't think it's necessarily wrong.
I have no idea how many times I was rejected based on my appearance when I was online dating - probably a lot. It's the nature of the beast.
OP, I know it hurts, and it sucks, and he's missed out on a wonderful opportunity to meet a great person. But at least he was honest and upfront about it. While it may feel like it was harsh, it's definitely for the best! Don't let him get you down on yourself!!!

It may disprove your point a bit, but I'd probably be first in line chiding a poster on here for making such judgments - it IS insipid and shallow, and I'd expect someone of the fairer sex, who is used to being judged and compared, to not subject others to those same problematic standards.

Appearance is among the least important traits of a mate. It doesn't matter how many fish are in the sea, is such a malleable, transient thing really a wise criteria to make a snap judgment over?

Were this reversed and we were talking to him instead of her I'd be giving similar advice - picking a mate based on looks is a quick way to end up dissatisfied. Mutual interest and values are a lot more important and if someone is attractive to you as a person, their looks can magically become more compelling, too (that's how it was with my husband and me. And now I think he's hot and can't believe I missed it for so many months :lol: ).

Then please learn how to appropriately quote other posters. If you can't manage that, I'd advise you to think before insulting someone else's intelligence. What you are doing is no different than staring straight at someone while talking and then yelling at them for responding because you were rude enough to be on a hands-free phone.

Then kindly take the time to read my post again before responding a third time. Oh, the English language!

Clearly, speaking to you any further would be a waste of time. But let me point this out to you since you and your superior understanding of the English language failed to grasp these basic facts - I never called him a jerk. I barely said a word about him. If I barely said a word about him, how do you and your superior understanding of the English language figure that I'm fighting to get people to agree with me? And how do you figure that not wanting to get people to agree with me means that I must be entirely silent even if I don't agree myself? Do you understand that in suggesting this, you are backing me into a corner by not allowing me to respond? I didn't ask for anything, didn't ask one question. You don't have to ask a question to post a thread here but I see that you are new so take this as a lesson. People share experiences here all the time without asking for anything in return. So the real issue here is - what are you looking for?

Cheers.

It does matter but to what extent? When does it become ridiculous? We could have met in person and hit it off. We could have met and been like eh, no thanks. But is that something we can judge from something so small and so quickly to boot?

Looks matter but they don't trump a good personality. Like I said, I'd choose this other guy over the pretty boy any day. What actually attracted me to him was his face, he looked kind and gentle. But I will say I don't intend to date someone I don't find attractive either, I just feel I'm smart enough to give a person a chance first. But not everyone has to, I personally feel he's misguided in his approach but that's not my business.