This isn't my first rodeo (unfortunately). I've had stints where I've done great, lost a lot, gotten to my goal. I have yet to get to a goal and not gain it all back. I know I CAN do this, but I don't trust myself in the long term. Today, yes, today I trust I will stay in calories and get my workout in (well I trust myself 98% anyway). It gets discouraging, at moments, to think about all the hard work it takes and that my future self may blow it again. It doesn't make me want to give up, but it causes a certain amount of fear. Does that make sense? The last time I got to my goal, I worked my a$$ off, I never in a million years thought, at the time, that I would throw it all away and gain every bit back, then quite a bit more over 2 pregnancies. It's like I have 2 separate people in my head and I never know when the one that apparently WANTS to be fat will show up.
So for those of you out there who understand my rambling, how do you get past this fear? How do you learn to trust yourself when you've failed yourself so many, many times?
I can totally relate! I look at my old skinny pictures and think "WHY?" I remember when my pants were feeling tight, and I knew I was gaining weight, but I didn't have the motivation to go back on to reducing calories to lose the weight. Why, why, WHY?
This was after all my kids, so I have no excuses!
Then I lost all of this weight and fell off the wagon. Kind of around January, I gained some after a couple of really good dinners, and had troubles going back. I gained back 8 pounds and now I'm 170, which is 4 pounds heavier than my last ticker entry below. And again, I ask myself WHY?
I can't trust myself! Myself must earn back the trust by keeping the weight off over years. Maybe then I can do it. Until then, the fat me is just waiting for the thin me to become complacent and careless.
I'm relieved I'm not crazy! I take some comfort in the fact I'm not alone in feeling the fight between skinny me and fat me. I guess it's just like anyone who breaks trust, you have to earn it back, good point!
I don't trust myself, per se, because my gauge is off when it comes to satiety, control, etc. I need some external controls and habits to help me along, so I log my food and weigh daily. I'm NOT obsessive about every lick, bite, and taste - my hunger cues have improved dramatically the longer I have been doing this, as has my natural idea of a portion or serving - but I do benefit greatly from keeping on top of my weight changes and adjusting frequently as needed.
It would be like taking off my glasses and expecting my vision to have improved naturally - short of surgery, I still have the same underlying problems I did without my glasses. Being mindful of food and the scale is like glasses for my stomach - it is corrective but not restorative, and short of surgery if I don't stick with the behaviors hat have helped me lose and maintain I'll end up right back where I started. It's not a matter of trust, I think that is unnecessarily moralizing the issue (I'm not untrustworthy, bad, or broken if I overeat!), but rather that I need to continue maintenance habits for life to stay in a weight and fitness range that I like being in.
It's a small thing in the broader view, really. What is a food log, scale, or workout routine compared to some of the things people struggle with, like dysfunctional kidneys or missing limbs? I got off lucky, all things considered, with my very minor and easily augmented health issues. Just a little mindfulness makes my life so much more enjoyable and improves my health dramatically
Last edited by Arctic Mama; 03-28-2012 at 08:36 PM.
LockItUp, you are NOT crazy and not alone. Not my first rodeo, either (that was funny) I got to my lowest adult weight 10 years ago (142), have slowly climbed up and down, and I'm close to that now...but I don't feel like i'll ever accept 'being at goal'. Just yesterday a co-worker asked 'when will you be done with your diet?' and I honestly said, "I don't know..I don't trust myself to leave the discipline".
I don't think I'll ever trust myself again.....unless maybe I manage to keep the weight off for a few years. Also, it would have to be a time when I don't find myself still addicted to food. As long as I'm addicted, I will never trust myself and I think....for me at least...that's beneficial because it's when I relax about the whole process that I put aside all common sense and think that I can eat like a normal person, only to gain back every single pound and more.
I was at my idea weight for about 5 minutes in August and I ended up gaining back about 10 lbs. or so. Luckily, I got back on track but even then, I found it very difficult to stick to my plan.
I think you have to trust the part of you that you can trust, and refuse to trust the part of yourself that you can't and may never be able to.
I think I've come to that point, because I'm really not afraid anymore, but only because I know that in order to "keep it going" I have to remember which parts of me I can trust and which parts I can't (and may never be able to).
I think I've lost the fear, because I've finally found a plan that allows me to control hunger, and even more importantly to feel comfortable in not only my own skin, but also with the changes I'm making. I no longer feel I am making mysely miserable, putting my life on hold, in order to enjoy my life later. I'm simply living my life, incorporating the changes I want to make in a style and on a schedule that isn't self-punishing. I'm not waiting for my life to get better, I'm living my life and enjoying it all, and so I don't feel that I'm doing anything that I'll eventually have to stop. Since I'm not miserable and hungry 24/7 as I always was in the past (weight loss is slower this relaxed slow way, but it's not miserable), I don't feel like I'm hanging on my my fingernails. I feel I have a grip on this, but only because of the help I get here and at TOPS (taking off pounds sensibly, it's a weight loss club with weekly meetings and weigh-ins like Weight Watchers only you can follow any food plan you wish).
If I quit TOPS because I think I can do it on my own, I WILL FAIL. I believed that in the past too, when I was a WW or TOPS member in the past, but when weight loss slowed or stalled I would think "If I'm not losing weight, I'm wasting my money," and I'd quit. My first and foremost goal now is no longer losing weight, it's not gaining. As a result, I don't feel that stalls are failures, they're successes at not gaining. Feeling successful and knowing that my group support is part of that success, I just don't foresee anything making me forget that I can't do this on my own.
That being said, for the longest time I did assume (and still hope) that at some point all this "weight management stuff" would become easy, to the point it would become my autopilot, and I wouldn't have to think about it so much.
That all changed a few weeks ago after a conversation with one of my fellow TOPS members. The woman is in her 80's and is at a healthy weight (and has been for as long as I've known her). She had a significant gain a couple weeks ago, after a day of binge eating and she marveled that after 30 years she still had times when her hunger was in charge, and she couldn't afford to forget that even now. She said, "you'ld think this would be easy by now."
Our conversation made me realize that it may never be easy, and in fact thinking it's easy has gotten me into a lot of trouble in the past (Yes I quit weight loss clubs in the past when it got hard, but I also sometimes quit when it got easier - thinking, "Aha! Now I know what I need to do, I don't need the group anymore I can do this on my own, and save a bunch of money which I can then spend on new clothes."
Only that's never what happened. I didn't succeed on my own (at least not for very long). So now I now (after only 41 years of experience with this weight loss stuff) that I can't do this on my own, so as long as I don't try to, I'll be just fine.
When will I trust myself? Probably never -- and I consider that a good thing, because it means I have to stay vigilant. I've heard it said that someone who quit smoking can never become a nonsmoker, only an ex-smoker. The same applies to overeaters, IMO. We never know when life will throw us a curveball that tempts us to revert to our soothing/mind-numbing behaviors of choice. For some people it's alcohol, for others it's drugs, and for us it's overeating. Vigilance it is, then.
Freelance
Last edited by freelancemomma; 03-28-2012 at 10:33 PM.
I think if you stop by the Maintainers forum, you may find out that the answer is simply not so much about trust, but committing to lifetime awareness. The control might become a habit with enough time ... but to paraphrase the tale about the viper and the man trying to cross the river, "you knew I was a snake when you picked me up." In today's world of convenience food, slick advertising, fix-it-in-a-minute attitudes, and generally clueless doctors, I don't think it's possible to ever trust that your appetites can go on remote control and work in your best interest. There are far too many forces working against you, even with your own best intentions.
Thanks for your insight ladies, perspective is everything!
And you know what, if I'm really honest with myself about my past backslides, I know exactly why it happeded: I lost weight in a non maintainable way, very unhealthy - especially towards the lowest weight I reached.
Coming back to 3FC has really helped me face some of the issues I have with eating, exercise, weight gain, and weight loss. This time it is really important to me to have no excuses, to face the issues head on, and most importantly to be honest with myself.
I hear ya, I really do. I have been on this journey (this time around) for over a year now and for the first 9-10 months, I was so solid in my resolve, I was exercising, I was losing weight, I was getting right back on track after vacations, that insecurity wasn't even on my radar.
Then the holidays came around and I would gain, lose, gain, lose...I started binging again and my self-confidence began to crack. I've had moments in the past couple months when I was scared...terrified...that I couldn't do it, I couldn't continue and I'd go back to 230+ lbs and I hate myself again. In the past, I would let that insecurity completely take over and I would fall off the wagon, stop eating well, stop exercising and regain everything.
I think, perhaps, because I've already lost more than I have ever have in the past and because I'm older & more mature - it is just different. I do not trust myself fully, and I know that binging will likely plague me the rest of my life, but...the more I succeed in other areas, the easier it is to ignore that insecurity and move on. I still exercise every day. I still take my vitamins. I am still off all my old meds. I am still sleeping better. I am still gaining (visible) muscle. My body still feels better. I am still drinking all my fluids. I am still eating more fruits & veggies. I am still saying, "No" (at least most of the time) and making good decisions. I am still tracking my food (even when I mess up). I am still weighing myself every week (even when I know it's bad). Etc., etc.
I think if you concentrate on all the positives, instead of just the number on the scale, you can draw confidence from those things when the number of the scale isn't what you want. At least, it seems to work for me!
At what point can you trust yourself???
(that was funny) I got to my lowest adult weight 10 years ago (142), have slowly climbed up and down, and I'm close to that now...but I don't feel like i'll ever accept 'being at goal'. Just yesterday a co-worker asked 'when will you be done with your diet?' and I honestly said, "I don't know..I don't trust myself to leave the discipline". 
