Help with a fat boyfriend?
 

Hi everyone, I have been lurking here for a while, but things have come to a head for me and frankly I'm not sure how to handle this situation with my boyfriend.

I work very hard to maintain my weight. I am fairly comfortable at around 110 lbs, and historically have kept it there ± 5 lbs with portion control and a primarily vegetarian diet (I eat whatever I want when I go out, but cook vegan/vegetarian exclusively). However, since I started dating my boyfriend last May, my weight has gone up to anywhere between 115 and 120. These may not seem like high numbers, or much of a gain, but I'm only 5'3, and the weight gain is noticeable because I have a small frame. My thighs start rubbing together and it's uncomfortable for me, and my clothes don't fit as well.

My boyfriend on the other hand is 5'11 and approximately 260 lbs (he won't tell me the number). He now wears a 40" waist in pants (he was a 36" when we met last year), for an idea of his size. He is extremely uncomfortable and ashamed that he is heavy, but refuses to stop drinking soda or eating fast food 3 meals a day. I love him and don't care that he's fat, but it is starting to cause a strain on our relationship because he gets in a horrible mood whenever he looks in the mirror or can't fit his old clothes.

So the issue is that whenever I spend time with him, he continues to eat poorly, and in turn I eat what he's eating because he pressures me to, and so we are both unhappy at the end. We would like to move in together in a few months for our jobs (right now we see each other for about a week every month and a half or so. We are long distance because we are pilots at different airports; he's just been hired by an airline and I'm an instructor but I've found a good flying job near where his airline is based) but I'm terrified that living with him full time will cause my eating habits to degenerate rapidly, and for his to continue to be poor and very bad for his health.

He tells me I should help him eat better from time to time, but will not listen to any advice, so I just don't know what to do. I want both of us to be healthy... my habits should influence his and not the other way around. His parents share my sentiments, and have talked to me about it because they are getting worried as well. But I am unsure of how to enact that change, and so I am looking for suggestions. My willpower is usually strong, but as soon as he wants to open an 11 oz bag of m&ms or eat an entire container of oreos I'm right there with him, and it scares me. I also notice I stop going to the gym when he's around. Sorry this is so long. I don't really have anyone to talk to about it in real life because it's such a sensitive topic. I hope this is the right forum for it.

First, you obviously do care that he's fat or you wouldn't have written here.

If he's a pilot doesn't he have to adhere to weight standards or did that go out when feminism came into vogue? 260 pounds is severely obese to have a career flying passenger planes. Is he a commercial pilot? He would have to have regular physicals too right? What does his doctor say?

Some advice: Have you thought about reading books about nutrition or meal planning? Weight watchers for men? South beach? Atkins? Rid your home of all junk food. Don't even tempt yourself with the bags of chocolate and candy. Learn how to prepare healthy, yummy food and how to pack for the time he may spend on the road by preparing healthy snacks. Not every meal needs to be a perfect balanced meal but "most" should be. And finally, make fitness part of your time together. It doesn't have to be extreme so go for a long walk. If the weather is not cooperating use the indoor track at a nearby university or go to a mall. Just stay away from the food court.

By the way, I'm having one of those days where I want to eat everything in sight but I came here to get my mind off of food. We all have these days. It's important to remember that these days should be kept to a minimum and not let them get out of control.

Good luck.

I'd suggest that you do everything in your power NOT to become the food police for him. Even though he says he wants you to "help him eat better," I would be very cautious; sometimes people who say that now and then are just looking for someone else to blame. You're not his mom, and you can't control what he puts in his mouth.

I really would not move in together until you two can sort this out.

What do you think he would say if you made the suggestion that the two of you make a meal at home to eat together, say, three nights a week? And stipulate that it has to be weight-friendly food? (In other words, no picking up a frozen pizza and calling it making a meal at home.) This might at least help get him out of the habit of fast food three times a day. And, both of you should prepare the meal together--it is best that you not find yourself in the role of cook.

I'd start with something like that and see how it goes.

Jay

Originally Posted by JayEll:
I'd suggest that you do everything in your power NOT to become the food police for him. Even though he says he wants you to "help him eat better," I would be very cautious; sometimes people who say that now and then are just looking for someone else to blame. You're not his mom, and you can't control what he puts in his mouth.

I agree totally with this. Not only are you not his mom and therefore not responsible for what he eats or doesn't eat, but having you critique what he eats will only make him resent you. He might have asked for your help, but until he's ready to do the work himself, there's not a thing you can do to "make" him do the work.

And, I definitely would *not* move in together until this is resolved, however that happens. That just sounds like a recipe for complete disaster.

It's not his fault that you eat whatever he eats. Your first concern should be for yourself. If you really don't want to eat the fast food with him, just simply don't eat it if its not really what you want. Your first issue is saying no for yourself, than you can worry about helping him.

Next, people won't change until they TRULY want to change. Almost everyone comments about how they want to lose weight, but they never do anything about it. Why? Because they are not truly ready to lose weight. It's like an addiction. You can't help someone to fix it until they want to actually do the work to fix it. What you should do is eat the best YOU can, and hopefully he catches on. Maybe if you are successful at losing weight, something inside of him will kick in and he will be ready to lose as well.

Thank you for the reply!

I care because he's suffering physically and emotionally, and because his habits are changing mine. I'm fine with him being big, I'm still attracted to him. He's like a big cherub. But he is definitely not fine with it, and I believe the soda alone is going to make him diabetic.

I know a lot about nutrition; I stay healthy as long as he isn't around and that is why it's such a bad situation. I try to be as gentle as I can about the issue, and I try to get him to take walks with me, but then he will want snacks. If he stopped drinking soda he'd lose weight without trying, but of course at this point he's got an addiction to it and suffers headaches when he tries to quit.

Lots of pilots are fat now because it's a sedentary job with long hours, and all they eat is airport food court meals. The doctor won't really comment as long as he isn't showing diabetic results from the urine sample. I cannot control what he eats when he's at work or what he brings home, and I find myself rationalizing poor food choices when we're together as "we don't see each other often, we can eat what we want because it's a celebration of our short time together." But as we want to live together full time, that behavior can't continue.


Edited because I didn't see any replies but the first one: The move is to another state for both of us, and has been in planning since December. It more than likely is going to be carried out by May. It is pretty hard to back down from it now, with both of us having secured jobs in the new state.

I don't see a problem with you guys moving together. I'm sure it will work fine as long as you both just hold yourselves accountable and take personal responsibility for what goes into your own mouths. He can't get annoyed that you are eating some healthy vegetarian dish while he eats an unhealthy burger. Just like you can't get annoyed that hes eating that bag of M&M's in front of you and you can't have the whole bag. If I was to eat the way my husband eats, I'd be 300 pounds. He eats nothing but processed foods (except for when I cook dinner) and he eats ALL DAY LONG. I've just had to accept that I can not eat the same way and I've learned to say no (but when he eats chocolate I just cant refuse lol!)

Well, right now you can only control yourself; but you need to come up with some strategies to stop yourself from eating his junk. You need a plan too. (I know, becuz I gained a humungous amount of weight after I got married, all in the name of taking care of my husband and keeping him happy.)

Then, if & when you do move in together -- you can "help" make healthier meals for both of you. Find out what regular meals that he really likes, and make them as healthy as possible. Plus you can help him get better food into the house too. It will take some planning, but success always does.

Does he cook at all? Is he willing to learn? Would he cook if you helped him? Many airports have a full-dining restaurant, don't they? He could choose healthier meals there; esp if he could bring home a copy of their menus to study. It is possible he really doesn't know how to plan to eat better. You could offer nutrition advice, but will he listen to you?

OR, even better -- make him an appointment with a dietician. He may listen to her more, and that takes the pressure off your relationship too. She could give him an outline of how to eat better taking into account what he likes and doesn't like as well.

I do most of the cooking in our home becuz my husband can't follow a recipe for beans. He has a learning challenge (memory issues); and he cannot multi-task, plus he gets all confused. He can't even BBQ. But, he does what he can: he can & does make his own breakfast, and some of his lunches -- so we have a compromise.

I make sure to buy healthy foods for his breakfasts & lunches (I do the main shopping, and he does pick-ups for me). So, I make healthier foods & dishes for both of us, making sure to include his favorites (and mine too).

It works for us; and you can find a solution too, with a little planning. Good luck ... :D

In my opinion, if it bothers you now it will bother you 100x more when you live together. You'll have to be annoying to him, or he'll be annoying to you - or worse - you'll both be passive aggressive.

I suggest you simply be straight forward and explain what the problem is. Continue dating him and if nothing changes move on.

Originally Posted by JohnP:
In my opinion, if it bothers you now it will bother you 100x more when you live together. You'll have to be annoying to him, or he'll be annoying to you - or worse - you'll both be passive aggressive.

I suggest you simply be straight forward and explain what the problem is. Continue dating him and if nothing changes move on.

It scares me more than it bothers me, but you're right, it should be verbalized. He likes to say things like "I'm a fat piece of ****, how can you even look at me" which makes it all the more difficult. I know he is subconsciously fishing for compliments when he says that, because he's insecure. But it makes it that much harder to bring up the subject...

The last thing I want to do is bring an element of passive aggression into an otherwise very loving relationship though. Thank you so much to everyone for the advice. I don't think this is going to be easy, but I hope it is doable.

I think you have to ask yourself if you both want the same thing.

It sounds like health is REALLY important to you. You don't want to abuse your body and you really make health a priority.

He doesn't sound like that's true for him.

You have to talk to him about it and also observe from past talks, how he deals with it and what he wants.

He isn't in charge of what you eat, but you can't ignore the fact that his behaviors will constantly be influencing your environment and giving you more and more opportunities to go off your own diet.

IMO, you should figure this out before moving in. This bothers you and it's good you're thinking about it now....

Also, I don't think he's subconsciously fishing for compliments when he calls himself a "fat piece of ****." I think he is expressing that he is depressed, angry at himself, and insecure.

I agree with John. You guys can work this out together, but you really need to work it out.

I got into a relationship with a guy who smoked. He acted like he really wanted to change. I bought him the cessation gum. I told him I didn't want to have children with him if he smoked. He never quit--in fact, I started smoking again and am now trying to quit. The bottom line is that health IS important to me and it ISN'T important to him. Ultimately, I should have taken this more seriously in the beginning, but I wanted to believe love would work everything out. I think it's wiser to be realistic and accept that the people you live with effect your life by their own choices. You have to choose whether or not you want to live with their influence.

Originally Posted by Stopfat:
He isn't in charge of what you eat, but you can't ignore the fact that his behaviors will constantly be influencing your environment and giving you more and more opportunities to go off your own diet.

I'm not quite comfortable admitting this here, but in the interest of full disclosure in order to receive the best advice: I come from an eating-disordered history. If I'm not careful I fall into anorexic practices very easily. I never received counseling for the disorder (nobody in my family knows and neither does my boyfriend), and so its associated thought processes still arise from time to time. As such it doesn't work for me to be on a diet, because it will inevitably become dangerously restrictive. That's part of why it's so hard to stay "on plan" when he comes to town- whenever I start a "plan" it will turn into "500 calories a day" by the end of the week. So I go with the flow most of the time, cooking healthy vegetable-laden versions of whatever I want, attempting to do intuitive eating......Then he comes to town, hates what I cook because it's "rabbit food," and I concede and we go get pizza, burgers, bbq, whatever. I know that this part of it is entirely my fault, and I do not blame him for it at all. I can easily eat more junk food than him in a sitting, which I think is a sign of resignation because I'm scared to restrict and I'm sad that he doesn't like healthier things. And because I secretly love burgers.

Obviously I just have to talk to him about it, because it's not a relationship I want to lose over my own food neurosis and his more than likely depression-based overeating tendencies. But the more I think about it, the less I'd even know where to begin. Is it a conversation that can happen over the phone? I don't even know when I'll see him again before the move.

I hope I do not come off as crazy; I don't know how recovering anorectics are received here. A lot of people in real life have told me to just dump him because he's fat, and it breaks my heart that people could think that way. He's an amazing and brilliant person. But at the same time I am so worried that it will be bad for my health to live with him, because I'm used to living alone in my own little bubble, keeping myself as healthy as possible most of the time and then suddenly I eat like a 260 lb man whenever I see him. I gained ten pounds in the first month we were together and have not successfully kept more than five of those off since, mainly because they come right back on every time we meet.

Obviously you both have baggage you're bringing into the relationship. We all do.

I also wonder how your anorexia and his negative self talk will react together. I mean, I can see that combination as potentially destructive for both of you.

IMO, and I know I don't know that much about your relationship, but it doesn't sound like you have very good communication together yet. Why are you moving in together if you haven't talked about this? I don't want to discourage you from your choices, but there's nothing wrong with taking things slowly.

It is sad that people have told you to dump him because he's fat, and those people sound very much like idiots, IMO--but your relationship doesn't really sound that strong from what you've said on here. You should really think through these things before rushing anything. I wish I had thought about things more before I moved in with my partner. I have gone from a size 4-14, but that's not really the biggest reason why I wish I had been more slow and careful.

It's a relationship founded on mutual respect, trust, love, humor, similar values. I'm not mentioning the good elements because the crippling issue is food for both of us. Self-esteem issues with resultant bad eating behavior, just on opposite sides of the spectrum. I think it is a strong relationship, and a relationship worth fighting for. I don't want to rush things, but honestly the job I'd have is way better for me at the new place, so that is another factor pushing me towards going through with it. There is a ton of pressure and we are both mid 20s, around the time when people in our line of work start trying to settle into solid, stable careers. But because I'm in the thick of it, it is hard to see how much is me rationalizing and downsizing the real issues, and how much is me being weak and needing to man up and deal with it. I really do appreciate your advice, so thank you for listening to this whining.

OK, now that I have read your recent replies, I'm more concerned about how you just "give in" or "cave" and eat whatever he wants just to please him. I used to be like that, but Sleeping Beauty woke up and came out of her self-induced coma ... LOL! ;)

Yes, it's OK to talk about this and anything else you want to over the phone; no-one else can hear you. Plus, don't worry about here iether, becuz we really don't know your name; and we have a "bingers" forum here. You may want to check that out too. (A former binger here, btw). To me, there are similarities to anorexia; binging too much or eating too little: are just two sides of the same coin -- of eating disorders.

Anyway, yes -- you need to talk and you have until May; so get talkin' girl. You both have issues and when you open up, that may encourage him to as well. If your relationship is good otherwise, it is worth the effort to try to work this out ... for both of you.

I can definitely relate, I have the same problem. My bf eats whatever he wants whenever he wants. He has creeped up 20 pds since we have been dating and is getting really self conscious. His bad eating habits make me want to throw a fit. He will bring out a pizza, mozzarella sticks, soda etc and sit there and eat it in front of me, asking me "why won't you eat anything, doesn't it look good.. come on eat, eat, eat!". Oh, it drives me mad! I completely understand where you are coming from with this.

My advice to you is to try and give him a wake up call. Have him watch a film like "Food Matters" or "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead". This has begun to work for my bf and he is now thinking about going on a 30 day cleanse to get all of the processed food toxins out of his body! Encourage him to exercise with you, even if it is just a walk. This could end up making your relationship stronger in the long run if you both keep your heads together.

As for your issue with anorexia, I can totally relate again. Try very hard to get that negative talk out of your head and replace it with something positive. On days where you feel like going 500 cals, remember that it will only HURT your weight loss or maintenance in the future as you will inevitably gain the weight back. Slow and steady wins the race, and as long as you stick to a plan the best that you can, you should be good.

In the end, you cannot change a person who does not want to change. The key is to wake him up and try to get him to make moves in the right direction. Just keep in mind that men are stubborn creatures and I am sure he will eventually come around. :)

I'm glad to know I'm not alone in this kind of situation. Yes men are very stubborn and set in their ways, it drives me crazy sometimes. He can eat an entire Dominos sub and an entire cheesy bread in 20 minutes and think nothing of it, with a huge coke or mt dew, and want me to order and eat the equivalent. It's odd, because he always tells me how beautiful I am and how he loves dating a girl who is small/thin. I don't think he realizes that I put effort into that, because he only ever sees me eat the way he does. I have tried to tell him that I suffered from ED before but he couldn't quite grasp it because I overeat around him.

Don't worry, I don't let myself get to the point of restricting like that anymore. It's just something with which I have a history so I know enough to avoid things that trigger that behavior, dieting being one of them. I try not to be negative about my body image though gaining 10 lbs sure doesn't help that very much.

I've even tried getting him to try a spin class or yoga with me, but he's kind of a country boy and didn't feel comfortable with the idea of a guy doing either of those. It's weird because he used to be fairly athletic before starting the aviation career. He loves mountain biking, rock climbing etc but refuses to do any of it now. I will try to get him walking again though, and I'll try having those documentaries around for next time he's here. I know he wants to change, but he hates himself and it is very hard to get better when you feel so negatively. I've dealt with that as well but I know that I cannot fix it in someone else.

In the end, what ever issues any individual has are their issues. They have to deal with them.

No one else can fix it. We can only fix ourselves.

Take care of yourself, for those around you, and their issues, toss that ball back to them. It's not your problem, no matter how much you love them.

Yes, it's a very hard and frustrating feeling when you truly love someone and want the best for them but they refuse to change. My bf is also a smoker which makes me so angry and even more frustrated than the overeating/lack of health consciousness.

My bf has also said that he likes the way I look now and that I'm beautiful and doing a good job (he's saying this WHILE he is chowing down). I don't get it how can they sit there and say that, do they know what we go through even the least bit?

I don't know about you, but the next time my bf is eating an entire pizza and wings by himself or an entire cake (I made for him I know I'm an enabler!) I am simply going to remove myself from the situation. Maybe go for a walk/run, whatever.

I also understand them not getting the ED thing. First of all, I am not as thin as you so it might not look like it to people, but I have struggled with anorexia. My bf is also from another country and is really close minded about these kinds of things. It's so frustrating.

I think bottom line you should continue your encouragement and nudging in the right direction. Hopefully he will catch on and wake up one morning and realize he needs to do something. In the meantime, try to get yourself away from triggers as best as you can. I think we have all felt that negativity towards ourselves at one time or another. I'm glad you have realized that and are overcoming it. That's great!!

Unfortunately this is certainly a difficult situation to be in. That's great that this job opportunity is going to be such a good thing for you, not just the 2 of you as a couple. Is there any way that you could move to separate houses but just live in the same area? I mean, I just see a disasterous situation coming with moving in together immediately. It's like watching someone standing on the tracks as a train comes barreling toward them. I've done the long distance thing entirely more than I'd like to admit and IMHO, I think a period where you guys are able to be around one another consistently but have your own refuge is a healthy decision. Even if there wasn't all this underlying baggage with food, it's a good idea. Now, to move on to that topic specifically.

Sit down and spill your guts. He NEEDS to know about your struggle with food. There is a very real possibility that if he understands WHY you eat the way you normally do, that he will have more respect for your lifestyle. It may also encourage him to open up about his own anxiety. Like you stated, it sounds like he thinks you can just whatever and be thin because that's all he SEES you do. Also, stand up for yourself girl. When my boyfriend and I started seeing each other, he was eating a fairly unhealthy diet. It could've been worse, but I was avidly calorie counting and had just started my switch to gluten free. It made it hard on me because I felt like I was the bad guy shoving my restricted food diet onto him by proxy. I was cooking all my food (healthy style) and never wanted to go out. One day it was too much and I just made it very clear that I would make my food specifically for my needs, he was welcome to join or make his own. That ice breaker helped a lot and from that time on, it was fine. He's even progressively come over to the dark side and eats like me. :)

It sounds like something in particular is bothering him with his refusal to change at all. Especially not wanting to do all the activities he used to love. IMO, it might be a good idea for him to see a therapist. If he won't go on his own, maybe try a couples thing. However, if none of these measures work, he isn't ready. Period. There's not much you can do to force the issue. Either way, you need to think of yourself and YOUR health, for now. I hope you're able to work things out.

Men are the most stubborn creatures on earth. It has to be his idea to get healthy and lose his excess weight and he has to do it mostly on his own. Of course he's going to say "Oh, I want to lose weight." but he doesn't really mean it. He wants to continue eating those cookies and candies and just not get fat from it. As a partner, you should be supportive, but there's nothing you can do to MAKE him diet or exercise. His pushing towards you to eat unhealthy foods probably comes from his insecurity. He's not happy that he's chunky now and wants you to put on weight too. If you intend to make a long term relationship with him, you need to make an example out of your healthy eating habits and politely reject his pleas for shared junk food. Go to the gym when he's around. If your time together is precious and he doesn't want to be apart, he can come with you to the gym. If you give him an ultimatum, he may agree to get healthy for a while but once you're comfortable again, it will likely backslide.

I'm overwhelmed by the support from this forum! Thank you all so much. It's so helpful to me and is helping me put the situation in better perspective.

I talked to him briefly last night about the situation. I said I am worried about our health, and that if we eat the way we do when we're together that we will both get diabetes and feel sick and unhappy. I said that I was willing to take on the responsibility of keeping our diet on track if he was willing to let me. He agreed to that, but there is of course a difference between agreeing to something 2 months down the line and actually accepting it when the time comes. I did not bring up my personal food issues but I intend to soon, when I figure out how to say it in a way that he can understand.

He is and always has been an extremely fussy eater, and is reluctant to try new foods (which is part of why he likes mcdonalds and pizza so much I think... it's consistent, tastes good and is familiar). It will kind of be like hiding vegetables in a child's food more than likely, but that tactic works, doesn't it? Like I've said before, I don't care if he is fat from an aesthetic standpoint. I think he's adorable. I just want him on a better diet for his sake and mine.

biplane, my DH of 26 years had never even tasted broccoli, brussel sprouts or cauliflower before I started cooking for him. Now he asks for broccoli and cauliflower regularly--not the brussel sprouts but my kids love them! I'm not saying DH is healthy--he's about the same weight of your BF but he doesn't complain about my cooking. He has been very supportive of my WL journey and says he wants to do the same but struggles with actually starting. As a former athlete that now struggles with knee issues I know he's very frustrated with himself. I am not the food police though. I offer fairly healthy food, I invite him to wog (or walk) with me and the dog in pleasant weather. But we can't do it for them. Lead by example, not by force. Take the best care of yourself that you can. You are worth it! I agree with LadyWraith's suggestion of living close to each other but separately or at the very least consider getting a larger apartment than you think you two really need so that you will have more spaces for the two of you to be alone. Hugs to you and best of luck! He sounds like a keeper to me.

When I moved in with my boyfriend he gained nearly 35 pounds and I gained 30...
We love each other to bits, we have respect, humorous conversations, common interests, it is a match made in heaven and I know nobody with a better relationship than mine honestly.
BUT we wanted it to be perfect. We love eachother too much to be a bad influense to eachother in ANY part of our lives. So after 3,5 years of gaining weight together, ignoring our bad dietary choices and having fun, we decided to get our relationship a level higher and get absolutely healthy together.
I must say it has been tiresome and difficult to change habbits.
It actually took us a whole year, without weight loss, just to switch soda for water and some carbs for lots of veg. After that year we started counting calories, weighing in weekly and doing 60 minutes of cardio 6 times a week.
It is so fun to do this together, because it is 2x as rewarding. It's as if I lose double the weight somehow, because I absolutely want the best for both of us.
From what your boyfriend sounds like he cares too, in his own way, that you are not "fit for each other" in this part of your lives which is diet and weight.

It wasn't all roses for us doing this. We had our mini arguments etc, but in the end it is absolutely possible as long as you both take it easy.
You don't have to get neurotic with dieting and he doesn't have to lose 100 pounds in a year.
Just go step by step. Even if he loses 30 pounds a year it is awesome, even if you don't lose you 5 pounds immediately it is no big deal.
What you two need IMO is taking it slow and easy, BUT steadily forward with no chance of going back.

I talked to him again today about it. Turns out he is flying in to see me late Friday night, so I guess I can experiment with at the very least not letting his habits govern how I eat. I told him flat out we were going to try to eat better for the few days he's here. He sees it as a joke still, and managed to eat another entire Dominos sub and cheesy bread today. Fortunately there is no fast food within 45 minutes of where I live! As has been said, I definitely don't want to become the food police or do anything to make him resent me. Right now I am framing everything as a diabetes and health related concern rather than a weight concern, because as a man he will drop weight quickly just by eating a couple hundred calories fewer a day. He's only 24 so his metabolism is probably still fine if he'd give it a chance to do its job.

He is always going to be a big boy; everyone is husky in his family. His drivers license has him listed as 220, and he would probably be comfortable around that range. He could probably drop 40 lbs from cutting pop and candy without changing much else, but even someone who eats at a deficit is going to feel awful if all their remaining calories come from Buffalo Wild Wings. He says he likes baby carrots and celery as far as vegetables are concerned. Maybe raw broccoli. And he likes grapes, so I'm going to have all of those in the house already before he gets here. If we shop together he will buy enough Pepperidge Farm cookies, Doritos and M&Ms to feed 10 people.

Chubbykins- I'm glad you made it work for you and your boyfriend! That gives me some hope. I pray that my relationship can withstand this one big issue, because it is otherwise everything I could ask for.

Losermom- I've secured housing for myself, he hasn't. He does not want me to take my housing offer, because he very much wants us to live together. In his mind it does not make sense at all for us to live in the same state but separately, because we could get a nicer place if we pooled our resources. If whatever housing he selects is too far from the airport at which I'll be working, I have that as an excuse to live separately, but I don't know where he wants to live just yet.

Atkins Loser- with regards to it being the man's idea: that sounds exactly right. Kind of like that movie Inception, I gotta subtly plant the health seed in his mind so he thinks he wants to get healthier all by himself.

I can definately relate to your situation, when I'm by myself I can control what/how I eat but when I see my BF it kind of all goes out the window. He is certainly not fat (fits into size 3 woman's jeans) and he can eat whatever he wants because of his fast metabolism so food for him is not a big issue, we eat basically the same things but I'm the one who has gained 10lbs. Now that I'm trying to lose weight if we get fast food, as hard as it is I either decline it or get something small or a salad. He sees me trying to eat healthier so in return he says things like "aw look at you with that salad and me with this fatty food" lol maybe if you can restrain yourself it will pay off :)

Originally Posted by biplane:
Atkins Loser- with regards to it being the man's idea: that sounds exactly right. Kind of like that movie Inception, I gotta subtly plant the health seed in his mind so he thinks he wants to get healthier all by himself.

I could not disagree more. Most men prefer direct and frank communication.

The only way for any relationship to succeed is with honesty. Any manipulation no matter how well intentioned is a bad idea.

If he doesn't want to change - he won't. The end.

I agree with JohnP completely. Men are easy to decipher. They are just (sometimes brutally) honest and respect direct, honest communication in return. That's why I mentioned having a full out truthful conversation where you can pour your heart out about the entire situation and RESOLVE it for good.

Originally Posted by Candeka:
I don't see a problem with you guys moving together. I'm sure it will work fine as long as you both just hold yourselves accountable and take personal responsibility for what goes into your own mouths. He can't get annoyed that you are eating some healthy vegetarian dish while he eats an unhealthy burger. Just like you can't get annoyed that hes eating that bag of M&M's in front of you and you can't have the whole bag. If I was to eat the way my husband eats, I'd be 300 pounds. He eats nothing but processed foods (except for when I cook dinner) and he eats ALL DAY LONG. I've just had to accept that I can not eat the same way and I've learned to say no (but when he eats chocolate I just cant refuse lol!)

^^THIS^^ My husband is not a snacker or a junk food eater, and he's never had a weight problem, but he does eat fattening foods (think fried chicken, pasta, Italian bread and butter, etc.). Unfortunately, I have to prepare at least parts of our meals separately. So, for example, tonight we had chicken parmesan and ravioli. I fried his chicken on the stove the usual way, but mine was "fried" in a cast-iron skillet in the oven w/ one tbsp of oil. Also, I didn't have the ravioli (not worth the calories); I opted for a bunch of different veggies and half an Italian roll w/ some butter. This is a common occurrence. It's a pain, but it's what I have to do in order to maintain my weight.


OP, it seems to me that your boyfriend considers eating the junk as part of the celebration of being together, and in some ways I understand that. My husband is the same way. Like many people, he enjoys eating a meal more when the person with him is enjoying and commenting on the same meal. However, as uncomfortable as I was doing it, I finally had to make it clear that I would not be doing the 5-6 times a week "fun" eating that we've done in the past (e.g., him preparing fattening gourmet meals). Now, he knows that most days of the week, I'll be tweaking my meals as described above. When we go out to eat or on the weekends, I loosen up a bit. He seemed resentful of this change at first (people often are resistant to change), but I held my ground, and he's accepted it. I think Jay's suggestion to start preparing some meals together is a good one.

I agree that direct and honest communication is best.

Also, regardless of what he eats or isn't eating, you have to be accountable to yourself for what you choose to eat. You can't be the diet police for him - not a good road to go down, in my experience. If he wants to change his habits, he will have to make a commitment for himself. I know this is really hard to do!! But - at the end of the day, we are responsible for OURSELVES, not others around us.

I'm not saying you shouldn't move in together though. It depends on how much it will affect you if he's having cheeseburgers and pizza while you are eating healthy. It comes down to your individual personalities and if you are okay with one another making decisions you don't necessarily agree with, if that makes any sense. Good luck.

In the past I've experienced much of the same with my husband. When I decided to get healthy, I was very vocal and clear about it. In turn, he's been nothing but supportive. He's trying to eat what I cook, he reminds me when I make a not so good choice, and has been nothing but encouraging and supportive. Am I making a difference for him? It's questionable, but he's talking about joining the gym and is enjoying some of the meals I prepare. Does he still make bad choices? Absolutely. But, I think it's rubbing off on him a bit.

I think I misspoke if anyone is getting the impression I want to be dishonest with him. However I already have been as clear and direct as possible. Amazingly I am the only one he accepts any diet critique from- he gets completely stressed out and angry if his parents comment on his diet for example. I saw that happen first hand when we visited them for Christmas. He is very docile around me and lets me tell him he needs healthier food... but only seems receptive to a lifestyle change if it's my responsibility. That is why I want to present it in a way that makes it something in which he's not a just passive beneficiary. I cannot say "you are currently morbidly obese and you need to lose weight before you experience any comorbidities" and I cannot say "just eat less." Neither of these are helpful statements; he's well aware. All I can say is that I care about his health and wellbeing and do not want him to suffer the way he currently does. In the few times I've talked to him today I've mentioned eating habits and health in plain language, but he is still very far removed from what it actually entails to fix a terrible diet. I know I can't change him but honestly it seems I would have to take an active role in helping him rather than leaving him to his own devices, because he is a little immature on this front. If that is a futile effort/ill-advised then I'm really at a loss.

First, I really feel for you. Moving in with someone for the first time, although it's a happy event, is super stressful, and to have this hanging over your head as an added stressor is no fun, I'm sure.

Second, I can totally relate to the weeklong visits and the chowing down. I was in a long distance relationship and did the same thing, and when we moved in a lot of that continued. But as you settle into day to day life together, it's easier to live your life the way you did previously (I lived alone, so it was definitely different, but I don't mind cooking and doing the grocery shopping so I make the decisions about most of the food in the house, I guess)

I think the best thing you can do is be a positive example. You can have the talk with him, sure, but it doesn't sound like he's taking it very seriously. And while I agree with being direct, there's no point in driving it home if he's not listening or not ready to make a change. I'd suggest being direct but brief. "I'm not really down to eat a huge meal at Dominos tonight, I'm going to make ____. Would you like to try that? I think it's delicious, but here's the number if you want to get delivery."

Bottom line, it has to be his decision. Express concern, tell him you'll help him if he wants, but you're not willing to derail your own efforts to stay healthy and in shape. But if you keep bringing it up and taking an active role without him asking you to, chances are he's going to see it as nagging and it's going to have the opposite effect.

I'll agree that it has to be his decision.
IF he has decided that he does want to eat more healthfully,
then you should be able to help him. My husband is very detail orientened
and when he decided he wanted to lose weight, he went with what ever plan I
was on at the time. That being said, I did 90% of the work.

The first time, I was on Weight Watchers and he lost 40 pounds and kept it
off for about 10 years. He didn't do any "messing" with points and
all. He wanted to know how many points he could have a day and had
me recommend what for him to eat. He did not realize at the time
just how much he was eating. It was a real eye-opener for him to see
that the lunch he was eating at Chili's for example was a day and
a half 's worth of points ! He had NO IDEA.
It didn't look like that much food (a burger and fries).
He hasn't eaten a french fry in over 10 years !
He didn't vary his points, he didn't factor in exercise points
(although he did exercise), he didn't do any "magic" point swapping.
That's just him. I tried to give him volume
(for example for breakfast he would eat a container of yogurt mixed with
high fiber cereal - the yogurt would stick with him longer than
skim milk and made the breakfast seem "bigger")
I suggested things for lunch in various restaurants he liked and/or
would pack him something, and then he'd eat what I made for dinner -
just a bit more since he's taller than I.
After he got used to the plan, though I didn't have to work as hard for him
any more. He got the hang of it and could figure out what would work.

If / when you move in together and you start cooking for yourself, you can
grill (or have him grill) a couple of skinless boneless chicken breasts
for him to go with your vegan meal and perhaps some brown rice.
I think volume and meat would help a lot in getting out of the "rabbit food"
mentality.

Food substitutions are good as well. Make your own pizza. It can be a lot
less caloric and much better for you. We use the whole wheat pizza crusts
and just add a lot of veggies and a little turkey sausage or turkey
pepperoni and some low fat mozzarella.

I found a recipe somewhere in a South Beach forum for "buffalo" flavored
chicken bites. You get the taste of buffalo wings without the fried chicken
skin. It's just basically putting buffalo sauce on skinless chicken breast.
Cutting the up into smaller bites and it seems like you're eating wings.

It is a lot of work, but if you have time and he is receptive you can make
it work.

Buddysbuddy made many of the same suggestions I was thinking when you said he never wanted to eat your food because it was rabbit food.

My thoughts were that perhaps start by agreeing to eat your own foods for breakfast and lunch then do dinner together. BUT AT HOME, at least maybe 5 days a week. If you lighten up on the vegan/vegetarian style cooking for this meal each day and instead do home cooked burgers or pizzas you will both cut the number of calories in those meals. And if you are cooking it you can get lean beef for the burgers, make yours smaller then his if you want. I do this with my bf. I eat a 1/4 lb burger made with 96/4 extra lean beef and he will usually eat 2 of them. I round out my meal with a small handful of sweet potato fries or reduced fat pringles and a large portion of veggies and he has maybe a small portion of veggies and fries or regular chips.

In this case we are eating pretty much the same things but mine is lower cal then his and heavier on veggies, and his between the lean beef and lack of cooking oil for everything is still way lower in cals then if he went to mcdonalds and got what he normally gets.

this can be done with many fast food favorites, make your own pizza, stack your side with veggies and grilled chicken and have his side however he wants. use skim or fat free cheese. even things like pepperoni you can get him lean or turkey versions. even if he sticks with regular versions of meat and cheese for his side it will still be eliminating a lot of calories vs dominos.

while this means you are not eating quite as healthily as you are used to. you are also not giving in to eating horrible either. It may be more about finding compromise between each of your eating habits and what you each like to eat.

You can find yummy and calorie conscious versions of many fast foods and party foods and whatnot in the Hungry Girl cookbooks.

Originally Posted by :
I said that I was willing to take on the responsibility of keeping our diet on track if he was willing to let me. He agreed to that, but there is of course a difference between agreeing to something 2 months down the line and actually accepting it when the time comes.

This will be incredibly hard to do - to be responsible for someone else in this regard. How will you feel going to lengths at home only to find out that lunches out with the guys or whatever include the domino's and mcds? Is that considered sneaking in junk food behind your back and then why are you bothering to plan for him, etc.?

He's his own person. He'll lose the weight and watch his nutritional intake when he's ready and agreeing to do so now if YOU do it for him, is an easy declaration. If he'd said NO what would your response have been? Was it a yes to end the conversation? Many of us have agreed to something just to end a conversation or have someone think we're on board with a plan ... It's a tough situation. We're all responsible only for ourselves when we're mature adults in this area ... with so many ways to get derailed...

Good luck on the move - but work hard to maintain your fitness and exercise routine even if it's delaying watching a movie, etc. Once that's gone, it's hard to return to. Then it's sometimes construed as it's more important than our time together... and then waiting for someone to work out with you, or to walk with you, or jog or whatever ... just work hard to keep your routine going.

Maybe work on the money aspect as well - if there's something big that you want to save up for together, and have fewer meals out - then it benefits both health and wealth :)

When I started to change the way that I ate, DH just kinda went along for the ride. I'd always eaten fairly healthy meals, but snacked more than I should have and ate out too often - usually "healthy looking" food, but restaurants still pack in the calories somehow. My DH doesn't know how to cook, so whatever I make for dinner is what he eats. I make bigger portions for him because he's 10 inches taller than I am and needs more calories. We just eat at home more and what I make doesn't look like "diet" food. We eat tacos - he eats his on tortillas and I have a taco salad. For every other meal during the day, he's on his own. With just one simple change that didn't even look like a "diet" he lost 30 pounds. He still snacks sometimes and he still drinks Dr. Pepper every day, but he's much healthier for even that change. I never presented it as a "diet" and never intentionally set out to change the way he ate, but it happened anyway and we're both better for it.

Just saying that you may find that once you're living together, if he doesn't cook and it's left to you to cook, he may still lose weight. It will be harder for you to not gain weight because, honestly, he'll always be able to eat more than you. He's taller and a man and simply needs to eat more calories to even maintain a healthy weight. It'll be more difficult for you to avoid eating the same amount that he does because he'll feel guilty for eating more than you and you'll feel shortchanged for not getting to eat the same amount. I've had to acknowledge that my DH is 6' tall and is supposed to weigh around 180 pounds, I'm 5'2", and unless I want to weigh 180 pounds, I can't eat everything that he eats.

Guess I'm just trying to say that he'll probably benefit from having you live with him, but you might have a harder time keeping your eating on track.

Sorry for all the rambling...

Originally Posted by kuchick:

Guess I'm just trying to say that he'll probably benefit from having you live with him, but you might have a harder time keeping your eating on track.

I generally try not to be pessimistic but unfortunately I think this is exactly right. As of right now (we talked last night) he is still seemingly unwilling to change, and I'm not going to try to force it, but for once I am going to make a concerted effort to not let his choices dictate mine. There is a ton of great advice for me in this thread and I thank you all for your input. I'm definitely going to try making a healthier pizza or chicken dish for him at home this weekend and see how well he receives it!

Biplane, I'm really impressed with the way that you've received all the advice and opinions in this thread. You seems to really have yourself together and to know your own mind.

It is too bad, but it does sound as though he's just not ready. Do your best to feed yourself properly, and when you cook for both you, him too, but the rest of the time I think you just have to let go of his weight. It isn't something that you can control and he needs to be allowed to take responsibility for his own body while you take responsibility for yours. You can be a good influence, but that's really about it.

The good news is that it feels SO much better to eat healthy, balanced food than it does to eat tons of crap. That will be your reward for sticking to your own commitments to your body. :)

What if it were alcohol? And you were a recovered person trying to keep balance after being alcoholic? Here's this person who may or may not have the same problem as you, but still drinks too much and doesn't seem happy. Would you move in with them when you know you already worry that being around them could harm your own health success in beating alcoholism?

You are a former ED person who is now trying to stay in a healthy space and not get sucked back into that world. The BF does not know this about you. (And it is up to you if your relationship is at a place where you are ready to share or not about your anorexia counseling. WTG beating this! That's awesome! )

The BF is overweight, and seems unhappy with it, but not ready to change. You have a hard time not doing like him with the junky food. You are listening to his negative voices beating himself up over it already.

You are both different body shapes but the commonality here is food and negative voice.

Let's say your BF NEVER kicks it. You'd have to deal with diabetes or heart attacks and whatever else if you became his wife and he gets fatter. You prepared for that?

And before getting to become his wife, by moving in together you get to be tempted daily as his live-in GF. Not just being tempted by junk food but listening to his critical body bashing voice.
You even offering to manage both your diets sounds risky to your ED ghosts to me. He gets his meals made for him, and you become his food police. And if he can't stick with it? Starts sneaking food? Will this cause rship communication probs? Each day, several times a day with each meal in a weird dynamic like that – I'd be wondering if your ED ghosts will wake up. Your bad voices and your bad food relationship. Which you worked hard to beat.

For the short term? I would NOT move in with him!

For the long term? I'd examine my inner heart and decide where my limit is. Dating him is VERY risky to your own continued good health. It sounds dramatic, but that's where I see you.

It's his choice of course to deal with his business. And if he's gonna address it soon, and succeed, there may be hope.

But that's his choice to make about himself. You cannot do it for him.

What YOU have to decide is stay at the place you are and risk getting hit some there, risk of getting hit increasing if you move in closer, or just get out of the whole line of fire and stop playing paintball with this man. Dating him may be fun and games and enjoyable in other areas, but it def carries some risks for your well being.


A.