Vent/Need Advice - Hubby not being very supportive
Ugh, I don't know where to begin without writing 50 pages here.. I'll try to keep it brief... my husband and I are both overweight. We both need to lose 50+ lbs (me 55ish, him 60ish)... I am physically healthy other than the fact that I'm out of shape etc... He has some problems, high blood pressure, sore feet/knees, and was told at his last dr appt that he is pre-diabetic. I am very concerned about his health and feel like if he lost some weight his problems would greatly improve. I thought we were both ready to start this journey after too many vacations spent sleeping instead of out adventuring, too many disappointing family pictures where we both looked awful and fat, too many days of being sore or tired or being in a rut.. life is passing us by... Both of our weight gain is from being lazy and over eating... We have a big vacation in April and we both want things to be different, we want to like the pictures, do more fun stuff, not be as tired, etc...
It seems like everytime I come up with an idea, there are excuses...
One idea I had was a friendly bet to see who could lose the most weight by April 1. The "loser" would put a set amount of money towards buying clothes for the winner for a trip we are taking. He was against it because he said it would be unfair for the "loser" because they would have to buy clothes due to their own weight loss as well... We both work and this certainly wouldn't be a financial hardship so I felt like it was a total excuse.
I decided not to join the local gym because with my work hours I felt that it wasn't likely I would go. I decided I wanted to do bike riding/walking etc..
The problem is, if I am going to workout before work it will have to be at 5 am, I can't go jogging or ride my bike outside at that time because its still dark and therefore unsafe. He is very safety minded and even though we live in a good area, I agree that it probably isn't smart to go walking/jogging/riding bike at 5 am when its dark and the streets are empty. I can't go at night for the same reasons. (I can't = he doesn't think its a good idea) So, in order go go walking/jogging/riding bike I need to start literally within minutes of arriving home. If I am caught late at work or have to stop at the grocery store for something, its usually too late to go by the time I get home. I feel like my family "invents" things that need to be picked up at the grocery store to make me late on purpose, even though it may not be intentional.. but everyone knows if I make a stop, I probably won't make it home until it starts getting dark...
I was also interested in doing a boot camp program, I felt like even if I did that at 5 am it would be fine because its a group of people in a very well lit area etc... There haven't been any near my house lately and then recently there was one on a coupon site for $30 for 8 weeks unlimited classes, the classes were at 7-8 pm several nights a week only a 10 minute drive from home. I was really excited and called him to see if he would like to do it with me and I would sign us both up... He immediately thought it was a bad idea... he started complaining about the late hour of the class and then he started suggesting that I sign up for one he heard about close to my job, which makes no sense, since I only get a 30 minute lunch break and it would take me at least 15 minutes to get there and then 15 minutes back etc...
A few weeks ago I started doing this Couch to 5k program which is basically an interval running/walking program that increases the amount of running over time... He has had several complaints about that, basically saying that the program is too hard and he doesn't think I will be able to do it once I get to week 3 which includes one 3-minute running segment. But at the same time, he tells me that I'm doing great and that hes proud of me... I'm really trying to stay on track, one day last week when I couldn't do it because I had to go to the store after work, I insisted on doing it the next day even though it was pouring rain for the entire run... and another day when it got dark earlier than I expected I insisted on doing it and he followed me on his bike...
I have been encouraging him to go with me any time I go on a bike ride and he always does... but our bike rides aren't very long (3-6 miles depending on the route etc) on flat road so its not like we are sweating our asses off... but definitely better than sitting on the couch I guess... thats why I started the C25k program... He did the first week of C25k with me, but I know it was hurting his feet/knees, so I encouraged him to walk or bike ride while I jogged/walked. Out of the 5 workouts I have done so far, I think he did the first 3, did not go with me for #4 and rode his bike with me for #5.
Also, I'm solely responsible for the grocery purchasing and cooking, so I have greatly improved our diet already, not purchasing any junk food/sweets/ice cream etc, and also incorporating small salads and more veggies into the dinners. But, I don't have any control over what he has for lunch and its not usually great... he usually goes out to lunch with friends to whatever restauraunt is convenient so I can't even pack him a healthy lunch. Also, he drinks a lot of red wine after dinner... I have to figure out how to try to get him to drink less red wine or at least educate him about the calories in red wine without turning into a major nag...
It just feels like everything I do is met with excuses or discouragement... Even though we have discussed at length that the reasons we want to lose weight are the same (as mentioned above + more) he has made a couple of little comments like "who are you trying to impress by losing weight" "are you trying to get guys to flirt with you" and my response is "yes i'm trying to get YOU to flirt with me!!!" We have a good relationship, we have been together over 15 years and married for 4.. we don't have any history or problems with infidelity etc... Even though we don't really have intimacy problems we are definitely in a rut and I'm sure he would be a lot more attracted to me if I lost some weight and things would uhm be better if we were both fitter, TMI lol... I feel like he is threatened that I'm going to lose weight and leave him behind.. but the reality is, I want us BOTH to lose weight so we can be happier together... I know you can't make someone else be ready to do this.. but I also feel like he is ready to do it but that he is scared of failure...
It sounds to me like your husband is not ready to do what it takes to lose weight. You can't make him *be ready* - it has to come from him.
As for your own weight loss efforts, maybe you should not try to incorporate his participation - just get out there & do it on your own. Sure, you can invite him along for a bike ride or whatever, but he certainly doesn't have to go. This, however, should not prevent YOU from going it alone.
Maybe you could tell him exactly what YOU need from him in the way of support. And he could do the same - ask you to do what HE needs you to do/say that equals "support" to him. Different people see different things as support. While one may consider it helpful to remind them of the "no 2nd portions" rule, another one may see that as nagging & totally unhelpful.
And it helps me to remember that weight loss is literally a trial & error type of journey. What works for you may not work for him. And one of you may not lose weight while the other one may lose a great deal. The bottom line is that YOU CAN ONLY BE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOURSELF.
I know that it's really hard to be around a person who says they want change, but their actions don't facilitate that change. You really cannot make a person change.
You can lead a horse to water... You can make healthier meals when you're at home... You can ask him if he'd like to join you on a walk... You can give him a high-five when he chooses to be active with you... but you cannot make him do anything. Let go of the things that aren't in your control.
You don't have to educate him about what to do differently, and I'd refrain from trying to tell him all the bad things about what he's doing while he's doing said things.
You just have to do differently for yourself and make sure it's clear that any healthy thing you're engaged in that he's welcome to join you in doing together. It's up to him to choose to join you or not.
Your way of losing weight might also not be his best way to lose weight. So, keeping the door open for him, but accepting that he doesn't want to do exactly what you do is one way to balance it.
Honestly? I think you need to just let go of the idea that you and DH will be workout buddies. What is holding YOU back isn't so much him but your desire to be workout buddies and attack this as a couple. Give it up and move forward.
You already say he seems worried you are going to leave him behind. How are your actions reassuring him that you are not? You say he's not supportive... I'm reading a scared person. He already changed to bike to keep up with you on the C25K thing. He did the first 3 workouts. Skipped one, then changed to bike to still be with you and keep up. How's that not supportive? To me it sounds like he's trying, and maybe you are not giving him credit for that part. And instead bringing up where ELSE he is falling short. Lunches, wine, not wanting to explore other fitness things with you, etc.
You guys may find it easier to be supportive of EACH OTHER if you stop trying to get him to go at it at your speed at your interests. And let him pursue his at his speed and at HIS interests.
Do your own thing and join your boot camp class and whatever else it is -- join gym, dvds, whatever.
You already help him by doing the cooking for both. Let it go at that for now.
I know you love him and are concerned, but you cannot carry him on this one. He has to want better health himself -- you are not his food police or his fitness police. Help is one thing, nag him is another still.
What you view as "friendly competition" he may view as "anxiety causing."
So what you may think of as "opportunities for exercise + couple time" he may be viewing now as "depressed that I can't keep up with my wife... I am so fat."
Weight loss is very personal.
If you are wanting more courting and wooing and couple time... well, find times/places/activities that are court-y and woo-ey that are NOT in the fitness realm. Take a pottery class together. Make Friday the standing date night even if you just stay in to watch a movie or play a board game.
You guys may be a little happier that way -- you get your wooey, he gets reassured you aren't leaving him, and then that frees up fitness world for both of you to tackle alone at your own speeds.
Well, here's the rough part. You can't make him change. You can change YOU, but you can't force him to go along with it. He either is ready, or he isn't, and he'll let you know which via his actions. You CAN control the food you provide, and invite him to exercise with you, etc, but you can't make him eat what you want at lunch (unless you offer to pack it and he accepts) and you can't make him exercise with you. It's REALLY HARD to accept this, believe me, I know! But all you control is *you*.
As for the safety issue, this could be solved for about 20 bucks. Exercise DVDs could be your answer. On days you can't make time to exercise outside safely (and YOU should be making the call on safety, by the way, not him), pop in a DVD in the safety of your own living room. Heck, you can even find boot camp style DVDs! It's cheap, it's safe, and it's in your house, so it's a lot harder to find excuses not to do it.
You have gotten some great advice. So true and so hard to accept, you can control and change you but not him.
For the past year, I have tried the lead by example thing with my DH, and it has worked a little but not greatly. I really worry about his health, he is very high risk for heart desease and we have talked about it but he is not willing to put in the work to really change. I still love him but would like to smack him at times.
Keep up the good work, you will feel so good about YOU when you lose the weight.
Here's my question - how would you feel if the scales were reversed, i.e. he was the one encouraging you to get healthy and you weren't quite ready to make that commitment?
Thanks everyone for all of the great advice, I really appreciate it... I need to focus on my own journey and hopefully he will be motivated by my own progress and work on making his own progress... I think I need to reassure him that he doesn't have anything to worry about and just focus on having fun when we are hanging out together and make sure I am not nagging him... He has never nagged me or pushed me to lose weight even though I know he was more attracted to me when I was thinner...
I think I will just stick to a schedule that he knows about and then if he wants to join me, great, if not, thats his decision... I love him so much, I'm just really scared about his health. Perhaps I can pick up some DVDs to do in the mornings if I get up at 5...
Also, as someone who rides her bike in the dark, you can resolve that by buying LED lights for the front and back of your bike and using them. I used to also think it was unsafe, but really, as long as you are riding within 6 PM - 10 PM at night, you shouldn't have a problem! Turn on your lights and ride.
Also, it's probably safer to ride your bike at 5 AM than it is to ride it later in the day. Turn on the lights, put on your helmet and ride. No one is awake at that hour of the morning, not even the muggers or rapists.
Second (third,) the great advice give earlier. You can *invite* him to do X, but don't let his refusal make *you* not do X.
Also, "riding at 5am and being safe" is YOUR decision, not his. You are a smart, responsible, careful grownup; put some lights on the bike and go.
I really love the idea of separating fitness time and togetherness time -- that might help reassure him, too, that you don't want to get-fit-and-leave-him. Good luck!
I think astrophe makes some good points. Weight loss is very personal. He could be feeling very sensitive. Try to keep making changes at home with meals and food.
My husband could use to lose about 50+ pounds as well. He's been very supportive of me, but won't take any steps on his own. I'm just doing my own thing.
Do your own thing with the exercise. I understand you not wanting to spend lots of time away from your husband, but he might work his way into a routine that he likes once he sees you doing well.
and remember that the biggest part of losing weight is what you eat, so since that's in your control, he will probably lose some whether he tries to or not. That might just be what he needs to get him going with the exercise.
My DH was similar to yours. He had knee and ankle issues, but had no concern with his weight what so ever. He was happy with himself and looking in the mirror didn't bother him like it does me.
Last year I tried to get serious about weight loss, but didnt really know where to start. So I just started making healthier dinners for us, and offered to make extra so he had some for lunch the next day. I cut the amount of junk food we bought in half, and worked out the soda almost completely. About 5 months of doing that with very limited added exercise, we both lost around 20lbs.
This year I decided I was tired of being fat, so I dove right in and started up with calorie counting. DH on the other hand could of cared less. I suggested we make a list of goals for the year and tack them to the wall in a spot we see them every day. I dont know about my DH, but its a constant reminder to me because I see it several times a day. I went over our meal plans with him and explained it too him, granted at first he didnt really care but now he asks me what his calories are at quite often before he goes to grab a snack or a soda. That took about a month of me constantly-yet casually-talking about it for him to actually take an interest LOL.
I started walking daily, and while I encouraged him to join he really didnt seem to care. So I went to You Tube searched a few demo videos of work out DVD's and etc showed them too him, he tried out a few and found one he really loves. (Going to a gym is not an option for us BTW)
At first my DH honestly didnt put much effort into doing his exercise, but he did try. Like yours seems to be doing, and like yours my DH took a day off here and there. I would ask every day if he was going to exercise-if he said No I left him alone. A few days ago I asked my DH how his ankles had been doing lately, and he realized that they weren't even really bothering him anymore. He was actually really happy about it when he realized it, granted this was after he had lost 35lbs. When he noticed his arm muscles coming in he got really excited about that too.
I know I wrote a lot, but my point is Baby Steps. Like a snow ball rolling down a hill, it starts small at first and goes slow then it gets bigger and bigger and goes further just a little bit faster and so on. I know its frustrating to get someone as pumped up as you are about weight loss, but the best piece of advice I can give you is just keep inviting him to join you. Tell him your proud of him, appeal to his ego-and eventually when he loses a few pounds he will start gaining a little bit more confidence and be willing to push himself just a little bit harder. Be patient, because it defiantly wont happen over night. I tell my DH every day I am proud of him for striving to be healthier. Just remember Baby Steps.
I think he is ready to make a change he is just scared... I know he is NOT happy about his weight, he's not happy about being tired and sore all the time etc.. He has said it and its obvious in his behavior etc... but I know that I can't force him to change but hopefully I can lead by example... hopefully just by making the changes in the food will make an impact and hopefully snowball into other things.. I only want him to be happy and feel good... I smile everytime I think about him, I really do love him so much and it kills me to see him feeling depressed.... Oh well, I will continue what I am doing, continue cooking better, not buying any junk food, not cooking any junk food and continue with my exercise and hopefully it will rub off...
When I got home last night he told me he had gone to the gym in the morning and done some cardio and weights... so thats good baby steps...
As of this morning I've officially lost my first 10 lbs... and I'm planning an amazing valentines dinner tonight...
Last edited by LittleBrownBike; 02-14-2012 at 08:32 AM.
Leading by example can be very powerful You will probably do much more for your husband if you have a hands-off approach and do your own thing. Eventually he might decide to join you because of your success.
I can attest to this. I lost a substantial amount of my weight recently (62lbs of it since May) and...well it's kind of hard NOT to notice. I never mentioned losing weight to anyone (not even my fiance) until I hit the 30lb mark and it was because people were noticing, otherwise I would have just kept losing and doing my own thing.
I've noticed the following things:
- My family is eating healthier and my mom is cooking healthier meals
- My brother watches how much he eats
- My other brother doesn't buy lunch at school, instead I make his lunch.
- My father started counting calories in an app in his smartphone and has lost weight
- My fiance is trying to eat healthier, exercise more and has started cutting back on his soda intake (he doesn't need to lose weight).
- Some of my friends are starting to exercise
All of that happened WITHOUT me saying anything to them. I just did my own thing, kept losing and noticed that they started adopting healthier habits. I don't even tell them what to do or what not to do now. Even though my father's plan is very similar to mine, the most I do is tell him how many calories something is when he asks me (or like recently I told him 3oz is about the size of an iPod Classic or deck of cards because he was unsure). I'm sure he suspects I do the same thing, but we don't bug each other or even inquire about what the other is doing.
It's interesting my father and I chose almost the same way (although I keep track in my head); I'm much more like him than the other members of my family
But still, I didn't say or do anything or say something like: "hey you need to lose weight," or: "hey you shouldn't eat that." I just followed my plan, got to a point where I was happy and noticed that they started to join me. It's certainly made my life easier....there's much more healthy food in the house!
So...lead by example Maybe your husband will join you for the ride when he sees that you can do it.
Vent/Need Advice - Hubby not being very supportive
baby steps... 
