Unwanted attention from men
 

Although I'm still on my weight loss journey now that i'm a lot slimmer I'm starting to get unwanted attention from creepy men/pervs. Although I did get the unwanted attention while I was bigger, it seems like its happening to me a lot more now. I'm being stared at to the point where I can feel their eyes following me. Cute guys stare at me more often as well however I'm never approached! I was once on the train and caught this gorgeous guy staring at me and we made eye contact twice however he never approached me. Although I'm 22 years old the heavier I got, the more socially awkward. How do you all handle the unwanted attention, have you ever approached a guy you found attractive?

I pretend not to notice when I get the attention. At first, to be polite, I thank them (if the remarks are kind), but if they persist, I play dumb. It's the easiest thing to do. Usually, those men go away on their own after you put your headphones back on and don't talk to them.

I have approached guys I find attractive because I find life is too short to wonder whether or not someone is into you. I hate those instances in the past when I thought a guy was out of my league, only to find out, years later that he was into me, or is dating a girl bigger than me (nothing wrong with that, except, I thought the whole time my weight would be an issue!).

I just act like they dont exist.

Chances are you will become more and more comfortable as time passes.

I agree, just pretend like the icky ones don't exist. If they're staring at you, do something to keep yourself entertained. If they insist on chatting with you, be nice but again, keeping yourself engaged in something else will give them the signal (should, anyway) that you're too busy to chat.

However, if a guy you might be attracted to is looking, give him a look back and a warm smile! That's the best signal of approachability. And honestly, even if you see a cute guy staring at you and he never approaches you, don't let it get you down. Ultimately you're not going to date every guy who finds you attractive, so if they don't approach just be pleased for what it is-harmless attraction. It feels good to be attractive to people, even if it goes nowhere in the long run. Just consider it a nice ego boost, a lovely little bit of flattery.

I've never been shy about making it known to a guy that I've wanted him. Now, that doesn't always work out for me, but I still feel satisfied that I gave it a chance. I'm sure you'll get used to it all with a bit of practice. :-)

Ok so to be honest you never really become comfortable with it. You just learn to brush it off. However, you need to be aware of these creepers. It'll keep you safe. Generally I just stay polite but emotionless. I think a lot of the time they're looking to get a reaction from you. When you give them nothing, they tend to back off.

As for your cute guy problems…not every guy is going to feel comfortable walking up to a complete stranger and striking up a conversation. Especially if they find you attractive. It's intimidating! Just like it is for us. So, if you want to open up the possibility, try meeting his eyes and smiling. Or - and I swear this is serious advice - say hi. It works wonders. I know this from experience.

Most importantly, be confident in yourself! You deserve the admiration and respect of men! No matter what size you are/were.

Just out of curiosity but it sounds like you only consider them creepy or pervs if you don't think they are attractive? Otherwise you don't mind. Men can't win, can they? You will get used to it and eventually come to appreciate it in time. I'm always out with my baby and now that is men repellent! lol

I'd just take it as a complement, i mean does a look really matter? Would be different if you had people calling things out to you etc.

At the end of the day you cant really change other people, you can only control your reactions.

I'm trying to get used to this right now. Last time I checked, being a woman did not give men a license to touch me without my permission!

For lack of a better term, I've been giving off a "b*tch attitude" and not letting these guys have their way. Giving off that aura of "you'd better not mess with me" has helped me tremendously.

I used to have a myriad of sarcastic comebacks when I was called "fat." Now I'm dipping into that reserve to say to men who bother me.

I have an engagement ring on guys! Leave me alone! I'm taken!

haha yup and I just try my best to NOT make eye contact. As soon as you do that they THINK they have a chance and stare and follow you around. Ugh....it's really uncomfortable.....just try to ignore.

Now don't get me wrong I'm not racist AT ALL. I love all people, but for some reason out of the blue I seem to be a magnet for Black men (only black men and no women :( ) and they are SO PERSISSTENT! One guy even asked to add me to facebook cause he only freinds sexy girls....whatever!!! I have finally been wearing my pride bracelet to give them the "hint" cause most of them take no as an answer and thank them and say sorry I'm gay.......which at times they really don't believe :dizzy:

Insideme I had to smile, first, I have always had luck with the black men...they were my ego booster which I admit, I loved. But I see your problem, we women have thrown out the "gay" card to shoo away unwanted attention so many times that now those who are truly gay don't have that recourse. I have used it many times. SO many times that when I dated a black guy my brother cried (he was a racist), he told me he thought I was gay and would prefer it over dating a black guy. Some people are really crazy.

I take cat calls or stares as a compliment. As long as I'm not touched or disrespected it is an ego booster for me. I want to be attractive to others. I like feeling pretty, it's natural to want to feel pretty. However, I, too give off a vibe that a compliment is okay, anything further is not. I'm married but I wear no ring on my finger. This journey we are on has many roads and we have to learn how to navigate them to the best of our ability AND do it safely and enjoy the adventure at the same time. :)

Ugh. Compliments are nice, but staring and hooting an dhollering is embarrassing and makes your skin crawl a bit.

I wish I could project, "I feel great and look great, but my confidence is not an invitation!"

This summer I had the unlucky experience of sitting next to an overly friendly man on a plane. He was midly flirting at first and I was polite, but then he asked me (All time fave), "I noticed your ring. Are you happy with him? It doesn't bother me that you're married." WTF?!? Gross....

And then you have to explain to them that no, "sod off, I'm a lesbian," does not in fact mean, "threesome please!"?

I was slim until a few years ago and grew up in a major city which had a subway, so I grew up with a lot of sexual harrassment and it's horrible. Especially being groped on train journeys when you're fifteen. I don't get sexually harrassed these days, though, as I use mobility aids and they completely change how people react to you (avoidance of eye contact, occasional staring, dirty looks or rude comments, but no wolf whistling). I never enjoyed being sexually objectified, but being treated as something that shouldn't be looked at at all is even more unpleasant.

I am NOT a touchy person. People I know as acquaintances touch me and it makes me uncomfortable. If a stranger did it, especially a creepy guy hitting on me, I'd probably go bat s**t!!

I have always given off the same kind of attitude that you're referring to, often without thinking about it. I'm the type of person who is happiest with a few friends that I would die for if needed (and vice versa) than a lot of social butterflies, though there's nothing wrong with that.

OMG so true or they ask if they can WATCH!!! Ummmm NO, what part of LESBIAN didn't you get? I don't like sausage or hotdogs, or mini weiners thank you very much! LOL It's true sometimes it's best not to even mention that I'm gay. I'm screwed both ways hahahaha

You may want to look at this feeling as a reason why you put on the weight, a shield. Learn to send body language that you are not interested and this will help. There are ways you can sit, stand, that you send a guy the message, believe me I know.

I don't know the meaning of "unwanted" attention.
Yes, I'm an attention whore. :rofl:

But seriously... I do enjoy getting the looks, cat-calls, whistles, compliments in all flavors. It doesn't validate my existence, but it DOES make me feel attractive, & I appreciate that. In turn, I also appreciate ogling other people that I find attractive. Spice of life, if you will! ;)

HOWEVER - I realize SOME do take it to extremes, and some people do have a problem with that. I have no quandaries about telling someone to "back off" - but I do find it very effective to "just ignore it" as well. Depends on my mood. :yes:

So it's women's job to police men's hands? To police sexual harrassment?

Or you know, men can learn to not harass women.

I didn't see that Andrew was talking about sexual harassment, simply about the topic of unwanted attention. He didn't state he was talking about grabbing/groping so why assume?

I wonder if it is ever possible for an "unattractive" male to ever give attention to a woman without being written off as creepy/pervy. A lot of men are very shy and scared to approach a girl because of this.

I've never had a problem with this, but then again, I've been told I'm a wearer of the 'witch (with a b) face.' Apparently I tend to give off a, 'not interested' vibe all the time. I guess it's because I think it's creepy when people smile all the time, or make too much eye contact in public places with people they don't know...so I usually keep my expression neutral (well, I think it's neutral...I have the sneaking suspicion others see it as a scowl) and avoid eye contact unless I'm actually speaking to someone. Insecurities from childhood have made me worried about giving any guy the idea I might be interested, because then it gives him the chance to reject me/tease me. I can't flirt. At all.

Consequently, the only men that brazenly hit on me despite the 'go away!' vibe I give off...are old men. Creepy, creepy old men.

I would say that if you want them to leave you alone, don't make eye contact with them, and constantly look as though you're preoccupied/don't have time for others.

while this would be nice, and yes, helpful
the bottom line is that we cannot change nor force another person's actions or reactions -
we can only change OUR OWN actions or reactions

which really is why ignoring said attention is the best course of action

I didn't take it that Andrew was referring to sexual harassment either. Merely stating that your body language can give cues that you're not interested in any attention even if it's small talk, invitation to coffee or a simple compliment.

I didn't assume, but Andrew's post is a slippery slope kind of thing. Women shouldn't have to worry about projecting a certain kind of attitude at all to avoid certain kind of attention. We constantly see advice on how to carry yourself to avoid this, and avoid that but hardly anyone tells men that "hey! Women aren't there just for you to look at! They're people!" The root of the problem is those men, not whether or not a woman can project a certain kind of attitude.

It is not the woman's job to be nice/interested in every man because his feelings might be hurt. Saying hello, generally being nice—I don't think most women would see this as "creepy." They may be polite back, but if they're not interested, they're not interested. Staring, touching, catcalling, that's creepy! Decent men won't do this and therefore won't be seen as creepy! Doesn't matter if the guy is Brad Pitt's stunt double or not, creepy behavior is just downright creepy!

From the OP:
"Cute guys stare at me more often as well however I'm never approached! I was once on the train and caught this gorgeous guy staring at me and we made eye contact twice however he never approached me."

^
I take that as it's creepy unless he's attractive. Sorry, a guy really can't win.

I am of course going off the OP, and not talking about people's further discussion about groping on public transportation, etc.

You know, I just think any man staring/trying to get me is creepy since I'm wearing an engagement ring. It's like: "I'm taken, idiot, leave me alone."

I just find staring creepy in general, regardless of gender...but I suppose that's just me.

I too have a ring and it never worked. Since 2010, I have always had a baby attached to me and have found that to be a 100% effective man repellent.

And yet, when my husband is alone with him, he is a chick magnet. Sigh

On a side note: if there is no eye contact or smiling or saying hello, how then do you meet people? I met my husband in a bar, but without that hello and sweet baby blues staring my way, I would have never known he was into me.

I take creepy as going one step past a person's comfort zone. Women by the way can be just as creepy. I saw it a lot as my husband is a musician and he had several "creepy" women hanging around. Par for the course in that lifestyle but still how do you know the other person is interested if you don't see interest.

Its been said before, we can't control others, just the way we react. If we don't like it, maybe it would be in the best interest of both parties to say that. Maybe said creepy person has enough self esteem to show an interest. How will he/she know you're not into them unless they tried. I know I struggled with self esteem and could never approach a good looking person. One man's ugly is another man's beauty...so what you might consider creepy might just be right up someone's alley.

Well I like to be sexy and I dress sexy. I walk sexy, I look sexy all the time. But I'm sexy FOR ME. It's fine if people look but there is something called respect, you don't have to STARE at my boobs as I'm in the checkout line at the grocery store. You don't have to lick your lips and LEER at me and make it OBVIOUS, it's gross. I check womyn out yeah all the time, but in a respectful manner, make eye contact and smile. That's how womyn SHOULD be treated, I should know I am one. And it shouldn't matter what you wear, your body language or how you carry yourself, but some men just don't get that! it's like the old male excuse "officer I wouldn't have raped her if she wasn't dressed like hooker" Whatever! In Ontario Canada womyn can walk around topless, it's legal, but we don't merely for this fact!

No not at all! these men are usually 3 times my age, or drunken bums. Just the other day this old drunk man on the train asked for my name and phone number. I've heard men grunt and mumble as I walk past. It makes me really uncomfortable.

At the risk of getting off topic, I DO think men can and should project this type of attitude if desired. I know my husband does towards all the 18 to 21 year old ladies he has classes with. He wants nothing to do with them and they know that without him having to say a word.

Sorry, but HUMANS are visual creatures. If one finds another attractive they're probably going to at least glance and that's OK. And it's (usually) OK to make a friendly, non offensive greeting or small talk with someone. Heck, it may even lead to a friendship if nothing else. I do not seek this so I do not open myself up to it.

However, it seems like what you're saying is people can't be attracted to you? And I understand you have a ring on but they may not see it, some people don't even think to look anymore.

It's my opinion that this is such an extreme view that puts nice men off from even attempting to approach an every day woman in a normal situation. I know plenty of nice men in my life and yes, they look at attractive women - I know plenty of nice women who look at attractive men.

I wish I had a solution for you, OP! I find that old men are more overt about their (dis)interest in me than younger guys, and often just the fact that they're so much older than me makes an interaction uncomfortable. (I have been propositioned for sex in my local laundromat and chased down the street and called fat, both by men who were definitely over 50.)

Assuming Japanese people ever think I'm small enough to be attractive, I'm just going to take every look/comment as a compliment. Of course I'll stay alert for creepers to be safe, but I'll take any ego boosts I can get in this country.

Man its been 5 years since I've been hit on!! I remember it use to creep me out though. One "bad" thing I have to look forward to when I lose the weight..

Ooooo... the NERVE! That makes me angry just reading it - I can't believe they have the (stones) to chase you down the street calling you fat! Unbelievable!! :mad:

I've reread my post several times and I'm trying to figure out where I said the following:

1) It's not ok to look at other people
2) People can't be attracted to me
3) Men can't talk to women

I never said any of these things and I really believe my post was misconstrued. I'm talking about actual harassment, not friendly small talk or the occasional glance at someone. I've experienced men grabbing me without my permission, not leaving me alone when I make it clear I'm not interested, looking at the ring on my finger and still trying to get me into bed, and more. Is any of this my fault? If I just "projected" a different attitude would I suddenly be ok? No! The problem is with these creeps, not with me. I'm tired of hearing "well if you just did this, they would leave you alone!" Sorry, I don't have to do anything. Men need to learn that it's not my sole purpose in life to look pretty for them. I'm not an object, I'm a person.

Is it ok to look? Sure! Is it ok to stare? No, that's creepy. Is it ok to talk? Sure! but if I say I'm not interested then leave me the **** alone. If you keep trying to pick me up after I say I'm engaged? Also creepy.

Being a survivor of work place sexual harassment (he finally got fired 8 months after I reported him and after a second victim came forward) as well as being a survivor of childhood sexual molestation from my then 18-year old cousin, I would like to know what body language cues I should do to avoid the probablity of being victimized ever again. Please feel free to send me a private message or post on here.

Please don't feel that it's your fault for being abused or harassed, and ignore all the victim-blaming going on in this thread.

I'm sorry, I think Andrew is being unfairly treated here. He, at no time, said that women invite harassment/creeps by their projected actions - the thread was about unwanted attention. I'm sorry that some of you have been through such experiences (and I have been a victim of sexual assault myself) but I believe, unless he otherwise says, that he is suggesting that there are ways a woman can make it very clear she is not interested in any attention (ie. a look, glance, smile, approach) by the way she acts/projects herself.

Many of you have said it yourself that you have some kind of "***** stare" or whatever that wards people off from approaching. I think that's basically what he is talking about, unless of course, he is talking about inviting men to sexually touch you (which is quite the assumption and perhaps projecting our fears rather than what he is actually saying!!!!).

There is a difference between having someone react abusively towards others and someone acting interested. I've had guys who have not been able to take hints even if the 'hint' is telling them to leave you alone. On the other hand, if someone is finding themselves being hit on by a lot of guys then there are physical cues to let them know that you aren't interested. Sometimes guys will pick up the hints successfully. Unfortunately, that doesn't apply to those that are abusive and don't care what you'd tell them physically or abusively.

And one of the hardest things for an SA/harassment victim to overcome is being able to have any sort of faith/trust in men again. Most victims, rightly so, struggle with the idea that a man can have honest intentions or even is just clueless when a woman rebuffs his advances. Note that there is a big difference between a clueless man and one who intentionally refuses to accept a rebuff. For example, if a man asks you out and you don't want to go out - some women say "uhh... maybe another time". To a woman, that means no. To a clueless man, that means literally it - maybe another time.

One of the biggest struggles I faced when overcoming my SA (I was 19 at the time) was to believe that there were men who were not "out to get me". It's hard distinguishing that. I think, unless he states otherwise, Andrew is simply talking about how to rebuff the men who you just aren't interested in, not those harassing/assaulting you. For a victim of SA/harassment it is very easy for your mind to automatically go to "that place" where you are instantly perceived as a victim again on any sort of similar topic but let's step back and not automatically make such awful accusations (as Andrew has basically been accused of blaming the victims of assault)