[luckyme0510]

I have so much going on in my head right now I don't even know where to begin. I'm usually not a Debbie Downer but I forewarn you now that I am feeling like one today.

I keep falling off, and I keep telling myself that each failure is truly just a step closer to success... but how many times am I going to fail? I'm so angry at myself. I feel so good when I'm eating right, I feel so good when I exercise, and even though the process is so slow I generally feel amazing when I'm in the active process of losing weight. So why in the **** is it so damn hard to stay on track? Some days I feel like I am destined to be fat forever as punishment for some misdeeds in a past life, or in this one. I HATE being fat... before I didn't like it, but lately I truly despise every aspect of being fat. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate myself, I feel as if my body were composed of two separate entities: the real me and this fat b***h I just can't get rid of, she's the one I hate. I'm so strong and so confident in other aspects of my life, why can't I win in this one. Being fat seems like a disease to me, a systemic infection that just keeps spreading and slowly ruining so many other parts of my being. I'm not even at my highest weight at the moment, but the other day I was trying on clothes at the mall with a friend, and for the first time ever I felt this overwhelming pure rush of self-deprecation. When will I stop being so weak? I wish someone would sequester me from my life and lock me in a gym and only provide me with the necessary nutrients until I reach my goal weight, leave me in complete solitary confinement so I can do all the soul searching I need(sounds like a good idea for a reality show lol). I really need to get out of this fat cage somehow and start living my life again, I am not capable of living life to full potential while I'm fat; I'm too embarrassed and too tired to do anything.

This turned out to be more of like a diary entry than anything else, but I needed to vent somewhat publicly, it felt like too much inside to just keep to myself.

[luckyme0510]

I don't know why this double posted... Anyone know if I can delete a thread myself or do one of the moderators have to do it?

[sandcar150]

Hi Lucky!

Don't feel bad for venting here. Many of us have been or are now where you are now with your feelings. I have certainly been in that place more times than I care to count. And, yes, it certainly would be nice for someone to lock us in a gym, feed us only nutritious foods and help us deal with our emotional turmoil (I believe that reality show is called The Biggest Loser).

Losing weight is damn hard, especially when you've had to deal with it most of your life. But the way I see it, what choice do we have? I refuse to live a life of misery in a fat body where I am physically and emotionally incapable to do many things that most normal-weight people do on a regular basis.

Do you feel like you fall off track more when you do not come here and post on a regular basis? I do. Coming on here and starting my blog have been a lifesaver for me with staying on plan. What else do you feel makes you go off track?

[luckyme0510]

sandcar150: thank you for the response. I definitely feel like I fall off track when I don't come here, but at the same time I feel like I can't participate on 3fc without being borderline obsessive about it. I can't tell you how many times I've literally spent the ENTIRE day on this website. I have trouble finding a balance, and I think that is a general issue with a lot of us here on 3fc. I think I may start a blog though... thank you for the idea.

[sandcar150]

You hit the nail on the head there with me. I'm certainly on here more than I need to be. It does help keep me on track, and being a SAHM it's so easy to spend hours on here when I should be taking care of the house and garden, getting in my exercise and planning meals. I do let a lot of things go by the wayside because of this site. That is something I need to get a handle on. It serves a major purpose in my pursuit of weight loss and motivation, but I need to learn to do it in moderation, too, so that it doesn't take over my life.

I need to promise myself that I cannot get online until I do my chores, shopping, laundry and exercise (another daily thing I put off because I'm here too much), etc... If I can get my list of daily things done before coming on here and spend an appropriate amount of time on this site (translation: when my family is home, spend time with them and not online), then I think I would have a more peaceful and balanced life.

Very good point!

ETA: I just thought of something funny and ironic. Maybe I should start a challenge for those who are addicted to this site. We could make a pledge to not come on here until we get certain things done. LOL