So this has been a really sh!tty last couple of months for me... Aug 11th, my husband of 4 and 1/2 years tells me he has a gf and is moving out (we have an almost 4 yr old daughter) We still haven't filed for divorce as I am unemployed and looking for work and he doesn't make a lot, we lived paycheck to paycheck and have massive debt.... he sees our dd every Sunday.
A few weeks ago, on a visitation Sunday, he told me she broke up with him. I told him I'm sorry... he started to cry and said he screwed it up but he'll love me forever and that he hopes that I would take him back, that we could take it slow and get to know each other again, I took a couple days to think about it... and decided yes, I would. We went on 2 dates and it was great, so wonderful, I thought maybe this was it, that we'd be better off boyfriend/girlfriend, and that we discussed it that it could work. Well one Saturday night, we were suppose to hang out, but he ended up going to work, I jokingly asked him later that night if he really was working, he came back with "When you sober the F up then you can text me." I had not been drinking! Well, that just proves something, him getting defensive and mad tells me he was up to no good... I left him alone and the next day he texted me and says he's done, he wants to be single and date and not deal with me.... I was crushed, but I'm doing better today.
Well we are getting ready to file by the end of the month, and i was doing so well, eating right and exercising, but then i saw his profile on plenty of fish and went into a bad binge.... so much so I went from 139 to 145 in 3 days (too which i did a 1 day lemon water fast, I know this is bad, but i couldn't keep eating, i had to do something.) But what is the point?!? I am not interested in dating, im very jaded and anti-romance, i have no self esteem... what is the point of losing weight if i have no one to lose it for....
Anyway, thanks for reading. I'll get back on track someday...
Hugs to all going through this too,
Manda
Sorry to hear about your relationship woes Manda, that sounds like a really rough time.
I don't know if I can help, but years ago, my now ex husband cheated on me and we separated and eventually divorced because trust was gone and the relationship was not something I felt could be mended. After that, I went into a depression that lasted years. I got into an unhappy emotionally and financially abusive relationship with a controlling jealous man who also cheated on me. I left him and changed my life, but spent nearly six years being bitter, depressed, obese, and unmotivated.
I got the power to leave him and begin building my health and confidence through running. While I run (jog, walk, run, jog, walk, whatever, one foot in front of the other and repeat as necessary) I think through all sorts of problems and decisions that I need to make in my life. The best answers come from this time alone with the pavement and some good music and I've built a much happier, healthier, life in every aspect. I have a great job, live in a great neighbourhood, have good friends, have lost nearly 50lbs (of fat, most of which was emotional baggage which weighs more than fat), and have more self respect and confidence than ever before. I'm single and still a bit bitter about men, but that's ok and something that takes a backseat to everything else in my life. Work, school, fitness, and friends are my priorities.
I encourage to continue on a healthy way of eating and exercising because it will help you get through this tough time. Don't give up, you are the point! I'd give anything to take back those five years that I wasted being unhappy and out of shape. I'll never get that time back.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm going through a hard time myself with my career, and when I'm feeling so emotional and defeated, it's VERY hard to stay on plan. Don't worry too much about the binge... It happened, triggered by the profile, and I can't blame you after seeing that.
Why don't you give yourself a bit of a break with watching everything you eat (just avoid binges) and up your exercising. It will get your mind temporarily off of what's going on and increase your endorphins. And when you're ready to get back to eating on plan, you won't feel like you've made no progress.
And, did you think of trying a dating site? I think dating casually after a break up is actually very healthy. A friend-of-a-friend happened to ask me out while my ex and I were on a "break" (we had lots of breaks...), and it was just an okay date, but it reminded me that there ARE other people out there. My ex wanted to reconcile a few days later and I said no. I'm so lucky that I got out of that. Oh, and said guy who asked me out asked me out again, we had a great date, and we've been together since. But even that one date changed my whole perspective.
Also, what do you like to do? Movies, dinners, hobbies, etc? Do those things you love, even if you spend a little more or eat a little more than you want. I think when people go through difficult times, they deserve to indulge a bit. It'll lift your mood and make it easier for you to get back on track with life.
what is the point of losing weight if i have no one to lose it for....
For YOU. Lose it for YOU. That's the only person who matters in this--not your husband who's decided not to grow up, not the men you haven't met yet, not your mom, dad, sister, brother, second cousin, or best girlfriend!
You have to want to lose weight for YOU so that you can be healthy, strong, and work to support your daughter--who needs to learn to value herself and not whether men think she's hot.
Stop bingeing! Right now! Think about how to feed yourself and your daughter some nourishing, high quality food! You will be much better able to deal with this difficult time you're going through.
i have no self esteem... what is the point of losing weight if i have no one to lose it for....
YOU... LOSE IT FOR YOU!
Don't go back with him... you deserve better. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and getting back out there is scary but it's fun too. And be picky, I think that is the mistake a lot of woman make, they settle for a "nice" guy because they feel like they can't find anything better, then the guy turns out not to be so nice after all. Being happy is about the general quality of your life, and it involves more than just the man in it.
I am so sorry. To answer your question, the point is to do it for YOU! You deserve to feel good about yourself, to be healthy and fit and your daughter deserves to grow up with a parent who has a healthy relationship with food and who can lead her by example.
JayEll beat me by a minute... we were thinking the EXACT same thought! When I began writing my post, that post hadn't been posted yet, but it is even more reinforcement that you need to reevaluate your self worth my dear!
JayEll's post double posted, which maybe is because it is so right! lol!
You have to choose to lose the weight for YOU - honestly, not even for your daughter (and I say that as the mom of a 7 year old). You have to want to be a fit and healthy person who is happy in her own body, and that will also make you a much better mom. But this is a time where it's necessary to be just a little bit selfish and make sure that you realize that YOU ARE WORTH IT
(and don't rely on the opinion of a man who cheated on you and only came running back when it felt convenient. He would have/already has cheated on you again, and you already know that from what you've post. Why give him ANY value, let alone think his opinion has more value than your own self-worth?).
It's hard to see the point of even the most rudimentary self-care when traumatic, stressful events are occurring in your life - but giving up on self-care doesn't reduce stress, it only increases the stress and contributes to the damage it can do.
You deserve to take care of you, and you also deserve to make it as stress-free as possible.
Formal "dieting" and "exercising" may be too stressful for you now, but if you give up on taking care of yourself and as a gain weight and reduce activity because of it - it will only add to the stress and depression.
It may help to focus on "maintaining" - maintaining your weight, maintaining your activity level - maintaining sanity as best you can.
It may also help to focus on "pampering" yourself because you deserve it.
That's the mindset I had when I started, because it was at a very low point in my life. Not with my husband, but with life in general. I had recently had to give up my job, we had just finished bankruptcy procedings due to my medical bills, I was facing filing for disability, and had been recently diagnosed with an assortment of ailments, including a potentially fatal autoimmune disease (which thankfully turned out to be a misdiagnosis - I did have autoimmune disease attacking and damaging my joints and respiratory organs, just not the fast-moving, immediately life threatening one initially suspected).
There was a lot of other stuff going on, and it was just very overwhelming. Far too overwhelming to channel as much energy into weight loss as I did in other attempts (which were ultimately unsuccessful).
Instead, I focused on weight maintenance and trying to lose "maybe just one more pound," by choosing activities and foods that were fun and good for me. Pampering myself, not punishing myself. Almost like creating my own "home spa."
Even though I was working on a sub-poverty level income when I started, there were still ways to create an atmosphere of indulgence. I couldn't visit exotic locations, but I could visit ethnic grocery stores, and choose exotic fruits and veggies I had never tried.
I couldn't afford a health-club membership, but I could look for fun ways to move my body (at first it was a sweaty workout just to wash a few dishes during commercials, but as I got stronger I was able to do more. And I chose to make as much of that movement as fun as I could).
I bought a stability ball to improve my balance (LOVE that. Just sitting on it, improved my strength and stamina. I didn't realize how much until a couple days later when my thighs hurt so bad, I could barely walk).
I'm not diminishing the amount of stress you're going to be under. Taking care of yourself (let alone pampering yourself) is going to to be much easier said than done. But you not only deserve it - you need to do it (and not for anyone but yourself, as others have already said).
Other posters have offered excellent advice and I have just one more thing to add.
You and some posters mentioned dating. I would suggest you NOT even think about dating until you have been on your own for awhile and restored your sense of self after these bad experiences with your husband. You are too raw and in too much pain, with many issues to sort out before you embark on meeting someone else. In your present state, you will be too fragile to meet someone in comfort and with optimism--you will attract the wrong sort of man.
As well, your daughter needs time with you before you invite another man into your life.
I don't have a crystal ball when I'm writing this. But as a nurse and psychotherapist I have seen too many people and their children hurt from a too-hasty jump into the dating pool when a marriage collapses in circumstances like yours.
As others have said, take time to heal yourself and help your daughter through the loss of her full-time daddy. When you are stronger and things are under better control in your life, you will be ready to start dating again. And I strongly suggest you don't try to follow your ex's life on dating sites--write him off and move on.
Wow, sorry about what you're going through right now. But take if from someone who's been there (no children w/ him thankfully) this will pass and you will be happy again. You will even get to the point where you will look back and be happy that he is no longer your husband.
As far as dating DON'T do it. Give yourself at least a couple of months to start to feel better about who you are and to think about what it is that you want in a potential mate.
What I always say is we teach people how to treat us. A person who is sad and depressed and only dating for revenge on an ex or to give their life some purpose is first off a bad date and second of all subconsciously attracting mates who may be a mirror image, or worse yet an abusive personality. & as mother's we must always think about our children as well!
Your daughter probably feels a bit of sadness that her dad who she is used to living with now only see's her on Sunday. Add to that a mother who is sad and not interested in most things and you have a sad 4 yr old as well.
You have to keep living a healthy lifestyle for yourself! Because it's ultimately his loss!
Keep doing what you're doing. Concentrate on your child and your health. You may even need counseling and there is nothing wrong with that!
I hope everything works out well for you.
Whats the point? ( long vent)
