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Old 07-12-2011, 05:06 AM   #1  
This time, it's forever..
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Question This isn't "Team Work"..

Me and my best friend are both overweight. She herself is always complaining of how fat she is. Me too. So this weekend I decided that I'm going to do something about my weight and get back into shape.

I told her she should join me. She said it's fine she will but I'm going to be "cheating" when I excercise. She says that she "doesn't have the time" she does! She just wants to sleep late everyday. She also doesn't eat breakfast and by 12 she is hungry and orders take-aways. I just want to help her but it seems she doesn't want any help. Like last night she wanted ice-cream and I told her no, rather choose a healthier alternative and she got mad at me.

I just don't know what to do. I want her support, thats why I included her in this and thought this is what she wanted, to be fit again. I just get a negative vibe from this whole situation.

NOTE: I am eating healthy and doing excercises.
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Old 07-12-2011, 05:29 AM   #2  
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You're right, big negative vibe there. You gave it a try, it went thoroughly wrong, so you're best off telling her that you don't seem to be the best fit for losing weight together, and you'll be happier if you lose weight individually. I know it's hard, especially when you're happily starting weight loss and feeling evangelical about it, but stop thinking about what she eats and when she sleeps. It won't help her, and weight loss is stressful enough without adding in worrying about someone else. Leave her to sort it out on her own. Hopefully your good example will inspire her to improve her life, but it has to come from her, and it can take a long time for someone to realise they're ready to make the changes. If you invite her round for a meal, make something that's healthy, filling and delicious, and do not comment on the dieting aspect of it at any point!

Don't worry about not getting the support from her with this. Friends can't do everything, and weight loss is a tricky area. Most of us are very careful about whom we tell about the weight loss in any way, because so many people can react oddly. Enjoy your friendship with her in other ways, and come here for the weight loss support.

Last edited by Esofia; 07-12-2011 at 05:31 AM.
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Old 07-12-2011, 06:24 AM   #3  
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You're right, it's not team work. It's work you have to do on your own. There's no way to get your friend to do things your way. It doesn't sound like she was very enthusiastic to begin with. "I told her she should join me." You have to focus on making good choices for yourself, and not worry about the choices she's making. I'm sure you'd like her support, but she's clearly not in a place to be giving it.
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Old 07-12-2011, 07:22 AM   #4  
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It always helps to have a friend to try to lose weight with, so I understand your frustration. But a person has to make a choice for themselves to lose weight, and until she makes that choice, you can't force her.
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Old 07-12-2011, 08:18 AM   #5  
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Although it's nice to have a friend go on this journey with you, at the end of the day the battle is yours and yours alone. I used to be like your friend where my intentions were better than my implementation. I just wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to give up my food addictions. She eventually gave up too. However, you will find all the hugs and support you need on this board and it's very possible that once she sees how healthy and happy you are becoming, she may jump on the bandwaggon with you. But in the meantime, you keep doing this for you! I hope she supports you no matter what happens!
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Old 07-12-2011, 08:29 AM   #6  
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I have had similar problems with my boyfriend, but I have been on the other side of things where he is the one telling me I don't need the ice cream. He was trying to be just like you - he knows I want to lose weight, so he was just trying to be supportive, but I got mad at him when he would say things like that to me.

Here's the reason: You have to decide for yourself that you want to eat healthy and exercise. Someone else trying to tell you not to eat that ice cream or to go on to the gym that day isn't going to really help you because you have to want those things for yourself. When I would become upset with him, it was because at that moment I wanted that ice cream more than I wanted to be healthy. I was choosing food over my own happiness, and it felt like he was robbing me of any happiness I thought I could get from the ice cream. I am stubborn, so I had to figure out all of this on my own rather than having him push me.

It sounds like your friend is in the same boat. You are at a different point in weight loss than she is where you have stepped up and made these decisions for yourself. She wants to lose weight but hasn't gotten to the point where she is willing to sacrifice extra sleep or comfort food. Maybe she will get there one day and maybe she won't, but regardless of whether she gets to the point where you are, you have to do what you need to and want to do for yourself.
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Old 07-12-2011, 10:24 AM   #7  
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I just don't know what to do. I want her support, thats why I included her in this and thought this is what she wanted, to be fit again. I just get a negative vibe from this whole situation.
What does "her support" mean to you? Cheering you on from the side? Or doing the exact same things you do?

Because to me it sounds like "support" you want is for her to do the same things you do... and she's just not into it.

If you had taken up knitting, and she admired your scarf, isn't that supportive enough? Why does she have to knit too?

Have a talk with her about wanting her support without you turning into the gym/food police. If she's just not ready to knit she's just not ready to knit. YKIWM?

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Old 07-12-2011, 11:20 AM   #8  
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Originally Posted by ShanIAm View Post
Although it's nice to have a friend go on this journey with you, at the end of the day the battle is yours and yours alone.
I couldn't agree more! - at the end of the day, it is ultimately your own responsibility of what goes in your mouth and what kind of exercise you choose to do. Separately, it is also your friend's own responsibility of what goes in HER mouth & what exercise SHE chooses to do. There's only so much "help" you can give a person in the weight loss battle; and you have to be careful of your outside influences, because a very close "negative" friend can interfere with your weight loss efforts.

AND THIS IS WHY I COME HERE FOR DIET SUPPORT AND CAMARADERIE. I have found that with 3FC, I don't need someone to be physically present to help me. Through many years, I tried & tried to get "support" from my friends/family, etc. I tried and tried to get a "weight loss buddy" - someone who kept complaining about her own fatness just like I complained about mine. But one by one, they all fell away, quit, gave-up, whatever. Too tired, too much work, too aggravating, too hard, too this, too that. BUT HERE - everyone is so full of EXPERIENCE and INFORMATION! - and always willing to cheer you on and help lift you up when the going gets tough. And when you need a good swift kick in the pants, the 3FC offer you one! - but not too hard!

Yeah, I like it here.
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Old 07-12-2011, 11:35 AM   #9  
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I would, like the others mentioned, just focus on yourself. If you build it they wi...er...if you lose it, she may follow...

As she sees you making healthy choices, feeling and looking great, she is more likely to follow suit. So let her make her choices, sleep late, eat the way she does. When she sees your results, she may turn around.
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Old 07-12-2011, 11:41 AM   #10  
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It's completely up to you - if you want to become more healthy do it. Eat right and exercise. Good for you!

As your friend sees how you are improving your life, she may want to join you later. Or she may not. That's up to her.

You do what you need to do, for YOU!
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Old 07-12-2011, 11:51 AM   #11  
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What does "having her support" really mean to you? Is it okay if she cheers you on, but doesn't commit as much as you do? Is it okay if she just complains the whole time?

Weight loss is a lonely road, occasionally. It's great to have a friend or family member who goes it with you, but you can only be responsible for your choices. Not someone else's. You can encourage. You can be supportive, but when it comes down to it, it's your decision to exercise or choose a healthier meal.

That is why so many people join and participate on 3FC. It's why so many people look for in-person meetings like TOPS or Weight Watchers. Having a support group of people who KNOW what it's like and who are also committed to losing weight is very important. We have to have a place to vent, or find ideas or forge new friendships.

It sounds like your friend maybe isn't as committed to this idea as you are. Maybe she'll change her mind, but you won't be able to "make" her change. Weight loss is a personal journey. Yours and hers are going to be separate even if you do it side by side.

The best you're going to be able to do is to "show by example" just how great eating healthier and moving more are for your body! If you happen to show more progress than she does and she asks how, feel free to briefly explain what you're doing (not complain about what she does) that you've made time to exercise. That you've made time to eat healthier. That it's hard work, but you're choosing the hard work over making excuses for yourself.

In the meantime, find yourself some people who DO understand the kinds of changes you're willing to make so you can lean on them. And don't be frustrated if your friend's version of change is different from your own, we all go at our own pace.

You can do this!
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Old 07-13-2011, 02:39 AM   #12  
This time, it's forever..
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Thank you everyone for your input. I now understand that the choice to lose weight we have to make ourselfs and you can't force someone to do it with you if they don't want too.

I will work hard and focus on myself and when she wants to join, I'll help her!
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Old 07-13-2011, 07:15 AM   #13  
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Yeah I would just put your energy into you. If she sees your progress and asks, sure help her, but the biggest thing about weight loss in my experience, is the issue of "ready to change". This hits people at different stages. for me it was just one day, booked in for a cunsultation and started there and then and never looked back. Just focus on yourself and by all means if she asks, help her but she has to be ready to change for herself unfortunately. Hard I know when you want to help somebody and they dont want to change.
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