Hurtful words from someone close...
 

Has anyone had to deal with hurtful words from someone close to them? A friend or a BF or a DH?

Last night I mentioned to my BF that I intended to have a bangin' body by the summer. I don't have much left to lose, and it is my main focus right now.

Instead, he laughs at me. I respond with 'I already lost over 42lbs'. He counter responds with 'where?' with an eye rolling and scoffing tone.

That upset me more than you can imagine.

His excuse is that him saying this will motivate me more.

Excuse me?

I could see if I have lost nothing and have not been working as hard as I have for the past year. But I have been BUSTING my butt. I have done a total lifestyle change for my health and (admitedly) my vanity.

I looked like this before we met. It was not that I gained all this weight in the 5 years we have been together.

I don't really know what to do or say. I told him it upset me and he brushed it off. If I try to talk to him about this or anything important, he will usually get angry and that will be the end of it.

I am trying to brush this off myself and ignore it. What do I do?

Um, if my husband said anything like that to me, he would be out the second-story window. I think he is nervous that you will attract a lot more attention with your new "bangin' bod" (and probably already have with your current weight loss). It is incredibly outrageous that he said that to you.

By BF do you mean boyfriend or best friend?

If he's your boyfriend, that's just really rude. And hurtful. If he thinks that being cruel to you is motivating, I'd seriously reconsider that relationship. Especially if he gets angry when you try to talk about things that are important to you.

Lose a few hundred pounds now. Break up with him and let someone else enjoy your new bod this summer. He isn't worthy.

I'm not going to offer any advice here, simply because my advice would be mean spirited, and I don't think that would be helpful.

However, I am going to say that you've done wonderfully! You deserve to be treated as though you're accomplished something major, because you have.

Chin up, don't let the likes of him get you down. He's bordering on mental abuse. A REAL man would tell you that you looked beautiful without having lost a pound.

WAY TO GO on the weight loss!

I am so sorry he hurt your feelings. Sometimes I think people (especially men! Sorry, but it seems true sometimes) say things without thinking. It is too bad you can not talk to him about it. It will be hard to brush off yourself of course, but my advice is when it gets you down, just keep thinking about what you have accomplished so far, what you have lost. Stay positive and focused. Perhaps he is jealous because you are getting more attention? Keep aiming for that banging body, you are close! Please so not let his unkind and hurtful words hinder your weight loss. Sounds like you have worked so hard for someones harsh comments to blow it for you! Good luck and congratulations on your success so far! STAY POSITIVE!!! :)

You should probably evaluate if you really want to be with this person.

I can't even imagine how I would take that, but I know not positively. Who would?

Like others have said in this thread, I might consider the fact that he doesn't want to lose you and this is his jealousy showing. I am all for being understanding, but if this is true he needs to not take his insecurities out on you!


As for myself I have had people close to me make fun of my weight and say hurtful things before also. I wish I had the strength to tell them that it doesn't motivate me to change things, it just makes me feel bad about myself and fall deeper into bad habits. I know its important to love yourself and not care what others think, but its really difficult.

So sorry this person made you feel this way, schubunny. Be proud of what you have accomplished and try not to let people get you down!

My first reaction was What the eff??? and agreeing with the person who mentioned something about him getting chucked out a second story window.

But then I remember how my boyfriend sometimes teases me in the same way when I mention my weight loss and it makes me stop and wonder. Then again, my boyfriend is constantly telling me how great I look and how attracted to me he is and how I've come a long way, yadda yadda, so I'm not sure. If he didn't say those good things to balance out the sometimes mean spirited teasings, I don't think I could stand it.

I guess it depends on how he says it, if that's what he ALWAYS says, etc.

I wouldn't take it, personally. You definitely deserve better than that for all your hard work, dedication, and love for yourself! Maybe he's just intimidated, like someone else said. Either way.... don't put up with that!

Dump him. (Don't spend another 5 years with him, that's for sure.)

I third throwing him out the window! What he said is just plain unacceptable! If he's ALWAYS like this (or at least most of the time) then I agree that you should reevaluate things. Sometimes people change, and they're no longer compatible with their partners no matter how long they've been together.

I agree 100% with this- what a jerk. Your post just screams red flag when you say "If I try to talk to him about this or anything important, he will usually get angry and that will be the end of it."

If your sister came to you telling you her bf was like this- what would your advice be? I'm sure you'd tell her if you can't speak to a guy about anything important than he's not the right guy for her.

Dump him- you could get down to 160 lbs and be even more gorgeous than you are now and he'll still bring you down. I know it's easier said than done but you'll be glad you did. If he can't learn to admit what he said was wrong (and omg 40 lbs is a HUGE difference) then it'll just get worse with time, not better.

Is he overweight? I could see someone who felt guilty about his own weight saying something like that. My own husband has made many mean comments but he's always quick to encourage and complement me on weight loss. I mean, the man gets excited over 2lbs. But he himself has never been overweight so he isn't carry around that kind of guilty "she's doing better than I am" baggage.

Here! Here! Beerab ... You hit the nail on the head!-
Shubunny I know that dumping him seems rash, and until a couple of years ago, I would have been more sypathetic... Then I found my wonderful partner who WOULD NEVER treat me like that!!! He is constantly reassuring me. I never thought people like that existed...... but they DO!

It would be different if it was your sister, or brother.... you are stuck with them, and should blow them off. But your BF is your partner, he is supposed to be on your team no matter what.

I agree with the other posters - I would seriously look at this relationship and reconsider participating in it. You deserve someone who you can talk to and who will support you - they are out there, find someone who is worthy of you. :hug:

My response would have been, "speaking of getting rid of the dead weight in my life, it's time to have a talk."

It is possible, however, that he does think it's the best way to help. It may be time for a frank discussion about the type of support you need and how he can provide it.

42 lb is a LOT to be proud of!! :)

try not to let this bother you , easier said than done but uve lost 42lbs........thats amazing. youve sheaded a good few stone so obviously ur figure would have changed along side your self estam and confidance. So well done i have 51 more pounds to lose so yur an insperation to me.

Reason i say not to let it bother you as it seems that hes the one with the problem not you. He knows uve lost and he knows you look good. And i reckon hes just feeling a little bit threatened by it all, after all thats what you were like when yas got togather right? so you woulda been like that when you were single? yous have fallin in to the trap (which we all do) of a content and comfortable relationship. I put 2 stone on. But its all good but it cant last forever and sooner or later you have to step up and make a cahnge.

Im lucky my BF supports me and we r doing out lifesyle change together. Maybe get your BF to join in so he can start feeling better about himself?
I really dont think he meant it personal to make you feel bad , its probably more to do with the way hes feeling , maybe a little insecureGood luck on loosing the last few pounds and WELL DONE

I read this to my dh and he raised an eyebrow and said "Yeah...motivate her to find a new bf.".

That would have hurt me too. You've done an awesome job losing 42lbs. Go you!! :carrot:

I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, but I would never allow anyone to speak to me like that. Never!

My husband would NEVER speak to me like that. There is no excuse for that, especially since you told him it upset you and he didn't apologize (no matter if he thinks it's "motivational" if you say it hurts you he should want to stop it immediately).

Nice. You've got a good man.

Im sorry your feelings got hurt. I would feel the same, as would everyone else posting!
He is probably feeling insecure. Don't let him drag you down! Stay focused and prove him wrong!

To have that attitude and behavior and non-support from someone we CHOOSE to have in our lives is inexcusable. I liked Maalise's line about getting rid of dead weight. Alarm bells go off to read you cannot discuss things of importance with him - he shuts down. That's NOT good. I know you're probably feeling hammered with everyone here saying to re-evaluate your relationship and what you choose to have in your life, but ... someone who cares for you and should be by your side supporting you would not do that. That's obnoxious and hurtful - how long do you want that in your life? Be your own biggest support system and make wise choices after evaluating things. Best of luck. You've done GREAT so far and sound like you HAVE the strength and determination to do what you need to do!

Sorry for the late response, I ended up getting ready for work early!

I want to first say: Thank you SO much to everyone who responded/will respond, and for the kind words and advice. :hug::hug:

It helps me immensely (you don't know how much) to just be able to snub my nose at him and say y'know what? I'm going to do this and I don't care what you say!

To be more specific. He doesn't say this all the time. Most of the time he says nothing about my weight loss, and sometimes he'll mention that it's great if I say I lost another pound, something to that extent. I didn't get into this expecting for him to be my cheerleader -BUT, I also didn't expect him to say something out of the blue to put me down.

I know he's not perfect, neither am I. Trust me when I say if he was like this constantly I would have not been with him this long, or at all. What I am used to is a loving BF who will compliment me on my outfit or my hair, or something. But when he has a bad week (like this week) it seems that I get the brunt of the irritation.

To answer a few people's question, he is not overweight. He has a bit of chub, but it's maybe 10lbs worth? He used to be more overweight but he lost it in an unhealthy way (not eating), and that was before we met.

And to add.... I would've loved throwing him out the window last night LOL

Sorry but my first reaction was "and he's still alive?" I, however, get that kicking someone you care for out of your life is far easier said than done. If he's great 50% of the time, it's that that you hold on to. If he's having a bad week, you cut him some slack. I do understand.

I'm sorry he hurt your feelings. If it continues, you may have to make some tough choices and if you have to make those, the girls here are REALLY, REALLY supportive. I know, believe me, they've helped me these last two weeks more than I can ever say.

Tell him he hurt you and that it's okay to be positive but negative reinforcement just won't work, it will only cause you to backslide. I remember having a WW coach tell me I'd never make it under 200 by X date. Instead of working harder, I went up, asked for my money back, and quit. I don't think that was the reaction she expected by I certainly didn't need this person telling me I couldn't do what I was setting out to do. She was subsequently fired. Now, you can't fire a boyfriend, but you can set him straight and show him where the couch is for a few days. That might open his eyes.

Glad to hear this wasn't a regular thing! Sometimes people really do try to snipe at one another when they aren't feeling 100%. I hope he realizes how much this hurt you, though, so that he doesn't pick on you like that again. :hug:

I'm so angry right now, on your behalf that I probably shouldn't even respond, but I will anyway, because maybe you need to hear eat (and if you don't, you'll ignore what I have to say).

All I have to ask, is does this guy make your life better or worse? Would you really be worse off alone than with him? What does he add to your life? What does he take away? Is it worth it? Do you think he respects you (from his actions it doesn't sound like it)? If not, why are you with someone who doesn't respect you?

You don't have to answer here, but think about it.

My husband can be a huge jerk, because he doesn't have very good self-editing skill. If he thinks it, he says it. (I have to admit, I often have the same problem), but I can't imagine him not apologizing after realizing that something he said has hurt me.

I don't care if you sat on your butt and ate bonbons all year, gaining 200 lbs instead of losing 40, the comments were cruel, unnecessary, and the opposite of motivating. I wouldn't say, and can't imagine my sometimes-jerky husband saying such things to people we hate.

I'm glad to hear he's not like this all of the time. To be honest though, it's not acceptable even if he's having a bad day. I say things to my DH I regret when I'm overtired, or stressed, but never things that would demean him or his accomplishments (more like, can you help with the dishes once in a while??!! lol). If I ever did say something that hurt him, I would apologize immediately. Anyhow just saying maybe you guys could use a sit down together to discuss how you want to be treating one another, to raise each other up and be each other's best friend (which I believe great relationships are all about....best friends with benefits!! ;))

A few things rub me the wrong way about this whole situtation.

1. The fact that he said it at all. That's a red flag to me. I am very sensitive and will completely overreact to any comments that can be taken in a manner that's meant to tear down one's self-esteem (that's my past effecting my reactions though).

2. If this isn't his normal behavior, I would hope that he would be reflective enough to come back and talk to you about it, apologize and deal with the situation in a mature fashion; it should not be blown off.

It's ok to have bad days and to lash out, it's inevitable... we're human! But it has to be dealt with so it doesn't happen again.

When my husband was on prescribed steroids that caused nasty aggression and tempers :mad:, he never even said anything that bad to me; certainly not anything that would affect my self-esteem.

If I were you, I would just have a very frank conversation with your BF to make it clear that this will not happen again. If he's upset that's fine, but don't make jabs at weight/self-esteem. Grr... Just make sure you're doing what's best for you.

When you said this, it does not at all sound like a rare occurance. It sounds like this is typical of him.

So which is it? Is it rare for him to be a bully, or is it typical? Were you exagerating when you said he usually gets angry whey you try to talk to him about anything important, or is it true?

When you say "he will usually get angry and that will be the end of it," what do you mean by that? Do you mean he always has to get his way and doesn't listen to you? Do you always give in, just to keep peace? Because that's how it sounds.

My husband said something that was kind of hurtful but DID motivate me, once. When I started my journey, he told me I'd never stick with it just like all the other times. I had 2 false starts before this time. I would start to go to the gym and work out and then I'd just stop going. After he said that to me, I was like I'm gonna prove him wrong! I've lost almost 30lbs and he is very supportive now. Boys can be so stupid sometimes!

First off, alot of people don't think before they speak. However, that doesn't mean that you should have to put up with it. He obviously hurt you with his words. I would have been hurt too. There is no reason for you to have to keep this to yourself. You're sharing it here, but I think you need to share your feelings with him. He will most likely become defensive. My concern is two-fold. Did he say these words to sabotage your efforts because he's afraid of how confident you are becoming with your weight loss? Is he afraid he is going to lose you once you lose weight? Either way, his fears shouldn't stop you from becoming healthy and confident. If he doesn't want to listen to you, move onward.

My husband and friends would never, ever treat me like that. Ever. I would not tolerate it, and they wouldn't even think to do it.

I would make it clear, in no uncertain terms, that if he speaks to you or about your body that way again, you're gone. And mean it. I would give him the benefit of the doubt, of ignorance or not knowing how hurtful that was. But if he ever did it again I wouldn't stand for it.

Congrats on losing over 40 pounds, that's fabulous!!

I don't know how I would deal with your situation... My husband is very encouraging and supportive of my weight loss. I have a tough time with it, so if I didn't have that kind of support, I might not succeed. But he tells me how beautiful I am and how he can see how far I've come. He even said that I was his inspiration, which really meant a lot. That support goes both ways, he lost 3 pounds last week and I made sure to let him know how proud of him I am. It's a team effort.

I hope your boyfriend understands that he hurt you and that those comments won't motivate you so that in the future he uses a different approach. :) Best wishes!!

Rude is rude. Why not call him on it? And if he still keeps being rude to you, why are you with him then? Because if you don't respect yourself enough to NOT put up with BS like that, why should he respect you enough to not do it?

Your answer?

"That was rude and uncalled for when I'm just trying to share my excitement about something I've been working hard on with my BF. You behaving like that isn't going to motivate me to keep at it. It's going to motivate me to dump you. Shape up and treat your GF politely! Since when does GF = ok to be rude to me?"

So? Bad days happen to all of us. Even if you have had a bad day, you don't burn your partner. Partner does not equal door mat, and healthy adult relationships can manage to have a bad day, be mad about it, and STILL manage not to zing your partner because of it!

GL!
A.

I'm glad you're feeling better, but I also hope that the tone of the posts here give some indication as to how not-normal it is for a significant other to be so unsupportive, even cruel. I've never been spoken to that way by someone who loved me. In fact, the last time I had anything so nasty directed at me was from someone who loathed me, and that was back in junior high.

When most people have a bad week and take it out on someone nearby, it's with little nitpicky things--"you could help with the laundry, y'know!" or "why do we always have to watch your show and record mine instead of vice-versa?"--not with big huge body-blows to others' accomplishments or self-esteem. If that kind of contemptuous conversation is typical of "oh, he's just in a bad mood" behavior from him, that isn't really typical for most people.

You know him far better than we do, obviously. But sometimes it's easy to develop a blind spot for something or someone we're near and it removes our ability to see other perspectives. Becoming habituated to rotten behavior doesn't make the behavior less rotten, it just makes it less noticeable.

This is not a subject I'd just let slide; you deserve a major apology for such callous treatment.

Men are so insecure , he is probably worried that you will lose weight and look good to someone else. Having said that, I will say this person is rude and cruel, I can't imagine talking to someone that I care about in such a heartless manner. Do you want to spend your life with a person who would speak to you in such a demeaning way ?

Honestly I think most men still don't have a CLUE how to respond to us. I've been married for over 30 years and he is still DUMB struck alot of the time.
So my response to you is USE this to your benefit. Whenever you feel like getting off of that treadmill or eating that donut, glare at it like you will NOT in defiance to him and GET that smokin figure.
Now on my own struggle, I weight 128 pounds and NEED to be around 115 to be comfortable in my own dang skin, but hubby says he likes me just where I am. Well that isn't what I "NEED" I need a shove, a push. So I guess maybe a roll of the eye might help :)

This makes me sad. You say you didn't get into this for him to be your cheerleader, but he SHOULD be. I can't imagine how upset I would feel if my husband said something like that to me. But, I also can't imagine not feeling that my husband shouldn't be my cheerleader, because he's my biggest cheerleader.

That's just ridiculous. You have much more restraint than I do, I probably would've punched him out or something, that is just so disrespectful and mean.
And he's obviously insecure. You've lost 42 pounds, that's HUGE and I bet it shows and he's starting to feel inadequate. It happens all the fraking time.
Reconsidering your relationship over a comment from your BF is a bit extreme, but when it's hurtful things like that... you have to think of how often that happens too.
But I'd be raging if I were in your shoes.

Unacceptable. Plain and simple.

I am patient with people's (ugh, especially men) genuine 'foot in the mouth' moments, but this was not one. This comment was meant to be hurtfull and you should have zero patience for that.

Congrats on your loss! Great job!

My partner has said some insensitive things to me before but they they don't come from the scornful, bitter place that your boyfriend's comment appears to come from. Unless you've made it clear that little jabs are motivational to you (which it doesn't sound like they are), I think you need to speak to him. Clearly, he doesn't have to be the rah-rah cheerleader type if that isn't his personality, but undermining such a huge accomplishment like a 40lb weight loss is just a little cruel