DH seems to think that I'm the only one with a problem! *long* *rant*
So, my weight struggle has been a pretty constant issue in our relationship. I've been very open about my decade-plus long battle with bulimia, and my struggles to lose weight. He is a little less than helpful. He sort of has an "all or nothing" approach to my weight loss battle and will bring up things like "Well, you had a brownie on your birthday!" as an argument to say that I'm not trying hard enough. Now, lets bring into the picture that he weighs well over 300lbs himself, does not exercise and typically packs in about 5000 calories a day in mostly beer, bread and potatoes, but he will be the first to tell me that I'm not hydrating properly because I drink green tea instead of water and that is doesn't count as water because its not "water"... SIGH.
A few weeks ago, he brings up the 6 Week Body Make Over program that he saw on an infomercial on TV. He explains that he doesn't know what he should be eating, that he doesn't know much about nutrition and that he thinks it would be a good thing for "Both Of Us". OK - sounds good. But after researching it (i'm sure not dropping 250-300 bucks on anything that has the words 6-week-make-over on it without research!) I didn't think it looked like a great program. Too restrictive, etc... and the money back guarantee was only if you didn't lose *any* weight, well, i can drop a pound or two in water weight alone overnight...
Instead, I talk to a nutritionist at work who lays out a plan for both us. I come home with the plan, he agrees. OK cool!
So, I went out on friday, got only whole foods and measured everything out, labeled everything... and put his name on things that were in his caloric standard after I weighed out the portions and mine on the ones that fit mine... (a ziplock bag of shrimp would say - Shrimp, 125cal. me. and Shrimp - 200cal. DH.) I also went around an labeled the labels with the calorie contents. Because, I think most of us can agree, we tend to look in the cabinet at what the food is, not what the nutritional label says (at least i didnt when i started!) and that sometimes we forget the portion sizes that can effect the caloric content...
DH got up in the morning and saw how the food was separated out, that I put the nutritionists plan on the side of the fridge, that I put calorie labels on things, etc... and he flipped. He called it all "rediculous" and that he knows how to eat, nobody has to tell him, and that he simply eats too much of his food, but the food he eats is just fine. He said "REALLY? really? Do you seriously need this much of a reminder just so you can lose weight?? Cuz if you NEED it, then thats fine - but *I* don't!" I asked him about how he said he didn't know about nutrition and how to eat correctly and that this would be a good way to help. He admitted that he just said that because he thought *I* needed the plan but that he didn't think I'd go along with it unless I thought it was him that needed it!!
I'm so furious and so frustrated!!! How many different ways does he need to make it clear that he isn't happy with my weight?? Why does he have to try to be manipulative like that?? Especially when he is NOT in a place to talk about MY weight when he has his own issues to work on!!
Last edited by GonnaTurnHeads; 01-03-2011 at 06:31 AM.
Why not ignore him, do the plan you have gotten from the nutritionist , lose a lot of weight and then go out with him and let him hear all the compliments you are getting?!!! I'm sure it will make him jealous. He sounds like he lacks the discipline to lose weight and doesn't really want you to succeed either. After hearing you talk about your battles for years, he probably thinks you will fail this time too, prove him wrong! You can do this! Lose weight for YOU . Good luck
part one: He didn't go to the nutritionist. And you are doing all the work. You are babying this man. His words to you are his unhappiness with his weight too. But you should be able to tell him that these comments are now off limits.
Suggest that he either get on board with healthy eating with you, or he is on his own. Maybe ww or something would be helpful. Read some of the stuff Kaplods has written about her journey with her husband. Couples can cause each other lots of problems in weight loss, and maybe you can avoid some pitfalls.
part one: He didn't go to the nutritionist. And you are doing all the work. You are babying this man. His words to you are his unhappiness with his weight too. But you should be able to tell him that these comments are now off limits.
He seems to be in denial about his own issues, and projecting his own unhappiness onto you. He's kinda being a jerk, in other words. Be healthy for you, then you're leading by example. Maybe he'll pick up your good habits, maybe he won't, but you need to take care of you. Good luck with this sticky situation, and keep up the great work!
I agree with the others here.....and you're allowing him to rent too much space in your head.
I always liked the phrase "success is the best revenge".
I think that he is in denial....not wanting to believe that he's actually going to have to sacrifice and do some real work in order to accomplish what you are accomplishing. Wants to believe this is only a woman's problem....probably believing that women are weaker and need these plans to be successful....but that men don't.
I don't know how much beer he drinks....but giving up the beer may be a big factor in terms of what he doesn't want to do....or believe he needs to do. This could be adding a secondary addictive behavior that is hard to break/control.
Over-eating and drinking a lot of beer/alcohol are both addictive-type behaviors.....and as such, most stay in denial about these because they do not want to give them up and are not ready to give them up....so they come up with all sorts of rationalizations and justifications for why they don't need to. And they are always sure they can stop the behavior any time they want to.....and are sure that they don't have the weakness that others (in this case, you) have when it comes to stopping.
This is classic denial. Don't let it de-rail you.
He's a big boy....and since he's not cooperating, just focus on your own plan, tune him out and reach your goal. You can do it.
Tell him that since he doesn't want to change his way of eating, he should stay the h3ll out of yours! You don't need a 300 pounder telling you how to lose weight. And, do the same! Stay out of his issues! This may mean having separate foods that only you or only he eats, but there is nothing wrong with that. Couples don't have to share everything.
You cornered him, called his bluff! Sounds like he was scared.You took all his food away and actually made it simple for him. Look after yourself and your own issues hopefully he'll come around.
Sounds like you have done about all you can to help and encourage him. If he isn't interested leave it be...don't allow him to hold you back. He will make his choices and you will be left to make yours.
People do change...we see it here all the time...but seriously, it is rare.
When I started this journey my obese hubby did not want to go along and was threatened by my plan - - I wanted to eat out less, for example. I went along and started without him. Several months later, after I had lost a lot of weight, he hopped on board.
I still struggle, though, with wanting to bring him along with me when I'm getting back on plan. I can't make him want to eat healthy, so sometimes we have to eat our own thing and let that be that.
He needs to choose, either you are doing this together or you're not! it's that simple and it will only help you now to find that out. If he wants to do it then he needs to blindly jump and board and follow the lead! How nice that would be for someone to take my hand and say do this! He's feeling violated and it just may be he is not ready yet, this does not have to be mean that you cant continue your journey yourself.
I haven't posted for a while here but just had to chime in!
I think it's really cruel of your husband to pretend that he wanted to do a program with you so you would lose weight. He flipped out because his plan totally backfired when he saw that you had labelled and portioned all the food –*he never wanted it to affect his food in the first place.
Not a great supporter, there. Maybe you could talk to him bluntly and tell him that until he's at a lower weight and healthy, he's simply not allowed to judge your decisions or make any comments.
My BF supports me in the weight loss, but he's also been the type to imply that he'll go along with my plan, but then he realizes he doesn't want to change.
While it would have been nice to do it together, to have that kind of support, I also know how hard it was to get on my own plan. Despite other people telling me what to do, going to nutritionists, getting personal trainers, having doctors tell me I needed to lose weight, I didn't do it until I was READY.
Your husband and my BF aren't ready yet. Whatever it may be, they haven't reached that point where they feel they can make the commitment and actually take the plunge.
But those issues are NOT your issues. I let my BF derail me too long because I wanted to do things together. When I finally committed to doing this for myself, for MY HEALTH, MY happiness, I was finally free to figure out my own path.
In the last year and half, my BF hasn't lost any weight. But he has had moments where he sees my success and he starts getting excited about it himself and tells me he wants to eat like me. Then he gets bored, tired, whatever, and starts back on his bad habits. I just ignore him.
The same way that I couldn't just follow everyone's advice back in the day when I could have started this journey earlier, I know he has to figure it out himself too. I learned to not take his issues.... HIS issues... as my own.
I know you've posted in the past about your BF/DH but I am going to say that you shouldn't expect him to change. It doesn't sound like he is supportive. You need to do what you need to do for yourself. If he wants to follow then he will. I know it is hard to try to lose weight when someone is unsupportive but you'll need to rely on yourself and those that are supportive.
DH seems to think that I'm the only one with a problem! *long* *rant*
