So all this binge/emotional eating talk has got me thinking, what exactly is a normal relationship with food? I mean for me if I really think about it, I've been binging and using for as a coping mechanism my entire life. I think most of it stems from things I learned from my mom and her own relationship with food. She always has had food issues, so growing up there were a lot of restricted foods and I always felt like I had to sneak "treats" and binge when I could.

So for me...binging when no one is around to hold me accountable is normal. But we all know it's not healthy and not how a relationship should be with food. All I want is to eat when I'm hungry, stop when I'm full and appropriately snack during special occassions. To me that is what a normal/healthy relationship with food should be. I feel like because I am pretty strict with what I eat all week long that when the weekends come and DH is working I feel like it's my only opportunity to eat what I really want, and takes me back to where I was when I was a kid. Which is stupid, there will always be a chance to eat __________ fill in the blank, and if you do it in moderation, no harm done.

I'm having a hard time accepting that I and many other use food like an addict uses drugs, alcohol or sex. But it's just a plain fact, it happens. There are certainly addictive genes in my family and I guess this is how I express mine. I'm not sure where I'm going with this, I guess I'm trying to tell myself that I don't have a normal relationship with food and that I need to accept that and get help or address it in some way if I want to maintain this new body long term. I'm thinking about popping into an online OA meeting at lunch today, but I'm really hesitant cause I've gone down that road before and it just wasn't for me. But I was much heavier then and the my eating habits were a mess, so maybe now I'd get something different out of it. But again I"m having a hard time accepting that I may need to live my life like an addict, there's just such stigma around that label...

I guess I'm getting side tracked here, I really wanted this post to focus more on what a "normal" relationship with food is, but I guess there was some soul searching and realization that needed to happen first. Thanks for listening.

I just wanted to address this really quick. I do eat what I really want, and my appetite has changed completely. What I meant by that was more probably about quantity than anything. I don't crave the crap I used to at all and most of it is completely unappetizing to me now.

I think I have a "normal" relationship with food, and anyone ever does have. I've never been a binger and my problem was more about being too sedentary for the calories I consumed.

I think a normal relationship is exactly what you mentioned...eat when hungry, stop when full and snack appropriately on special occasions. Except the "stop when full" part is not something I can do. My body doesn't sense it's full for a good half hour after I'm finished. So I have to eat, find something else to do and then determine if I really want more or not.

Weekends to me are just another opportunity to be on plan. I haven't found a situation yet that I couldn't handle. Sometimes if I'm away from home either at a restaurant or a gathering I have to eat less than I'd like because the food is more caloric.

I don't know how to help! Sorry! All I can do is answer your "what's normal" question. I understand about the addictive nature of food, but mine was curbed when I ditched highly processed foods.

Man I feel like I could have written this myself. I just made a post that had a lot to do with this. It really is an emotional thing. I think about it all the time.. and it shouldn't be that way. Food is fuel is what my DH says. But he doesn't have the same issue i do.

My mom had/has a food issue. Its the same as me though. She hid what she ate from my dad. He is a fireman and when he was at work, we would eat food he didn't approve of. I remember her buying us donuts and chocolate milk.

This is totally me. I hide it... . I admit that. I know its a problem. This past weekend I had fast food FOUR times. He was at work and I didn't tell him. Like you I need to work on moderation.

It is an addiction... and a difficult one to have. We need food to live. So its a daily battle. My family has a food issue as well. My grandmother told me my grandfather wakes her up in the middle of the night and tells her what he wants for breakfast and supper the next day. Kinda funny, but also sad.

I can see from your stats you have done really well. Amazing actually. Its a work in progress and good luck to you!

I just wanted to throw this out there too...for some reason, I thought that not only when I lost the weight my physical problems would dissappear, but my food issues would dissappear as well. I don't know why I'm suprised they didn't, the food issues were never part of the weight issue, they're a whole other animal that needs it's own journey and it's own fix...

I'm an emotional eater & I've had to come to terms with it too. My normal will never be normal. It will always be there & I have to make sure the things I replaced eating with during that time happens. Mainly it's exercising, taking a shower or brushing my teeth.

A different example other than addicts...I have a son with a form of autism and while he looks and acts like a regular kid, he has his quirks & outbursts (he's got pdd-nos). He has to have different ways to handle some things that is totally out of the norm. It is what it is. Although sometimes it just doesn't work & we have to scramble to find a new technique.

It's just something we do. The majority's normal may not be for us but do you know what? It's ok we find what works for us.

I also have to add along the lines of what Eliana is saying. My DH has a "normal" relationship with food, but is overweight because of what he eats and because he does not exercise in the least. So is his relationship really normal???? My head is going to explode today...please forgive me

I don't know. It's hard to define a true "normal" relationship when it comes to food. It gets crossed with "healthy" relationship. "Normal" to who? Normal to America? Yeah, his relationship to food is normal for America. So was mine. But then if you're eating more than you're burning, that doesn't seem normal.

I think I consider my former self "normal" only because once I figured out the link between calories in and calories out the rest fell into place. I didn't have any other demons to fight.

Normal is hard to define, isn't it?

And if you are defining normal as eating only when hungry, stopping when full - I don't think there are too many folks that fall under that category. You don't have to look very hard to see that the majority of people are overweight or obese, so since the majority of people are overweight or obese, I think it would suffice to say that they're not only eating when hungry and stopping when full.

For me, I look at it as I have a condition. I am a compulsive overeater. I can't cure it. It can't be fixed. It will always be there. Though it can't be cured, it CAN be managed - through calorie tracking, planning ahead, having rules to follow, avoiding certain foods, having many others in controlled, specific settings, exercise, etc...

Me and food - normal? again, whatever normal is, it will never happen. I've accepted that and have taken the steps to minimize the damage from it. I can live happily and healthily with this *condition*.

I think of my DH as a normal eater. His relationship with food is much different than mine!

He eats three meals a day
He doesn't eat if he's not hungry
When he snacks, it's a small snack and usually it's protein
His portion sizes are reasonable, and he almost never has seconds
No foods are off limits
If he has chips or something like that, he can stop before the packet is empty
He will eat dessert - he likes ice cream - but he can stop at one portion
He's a normal weight and always has been

I really wish I could eat like he does, I'm an emotional eater for sure. He doesn't get that.

ETA come to think of it, I would say his daughter is a normal eater too; very similar eating habits to her dad's. And she is slim, always has been.

I don't know that there is a 'normal' relationship to food, any more than there is a 'normal' relationship to anything. We all do and say and respond to things based on our own internal triggers, who says which triggers are 'normal' and which ones aren't? We as a culture have wandered away from what used to be considered a 'normal' relationship with food and now we can't even define it anymore.

That being said, there are definitely unhealthy responses to things. I have an addictive and compulsive personality. I know this, it is the reason I don't drink much. I find myself addicted to exercise, with a compulsive need to be better, stronger, faster, more reps than last time, more miles than last time, etc, even at the risk of my own health and safety. I am doing a healthy thing, yet I am approaching it from an unhealthy place sometimes. I struggle with that a lot. Food is the same - we need food to live, we have to have it. Yet, we approach it from an unhealthy place. We use it for comfort, for reward, for stress relief, whatever, not just for the fuel that it is. I believe that sometimes that makes it hard for us - our grandparents used to have the big Sunday meal and that was the 'treat food' for the week. We have our big Sunday meal every day if we want it.

I used to hide food as a child - if there was a snack I loved I would put the bag under my bed to make sure no one else ate it. That led to eating alone in my room, which I still struggle with as an adult. Right now I have a granola bar I brought upstairs in my bedside table - I'm not trying to hide it, I would tell DH it was there, yet I still have it in the bedside table and think about going upstairs and eating it when I'm supposed to be brushing my teeth and getting ready for bed. Not a healthy outlook towards food at all, and I don't know what triggers it in me.

Your DH might have a healthy outlook towards food in that he doesn't have to have it or sneak it, but if he is overweight he definitely doesn't have a healthy relationship with eating for his calorie needs. A much harder issue to quantify though, and one that people wouldn't quickly look at and see as a problem the way they would see a more obvious eating disorder.

My 'normal' relationship with food these days would be considered abnormal by many. I'm going to weigh and measure everything I eat for the rest of my life. I'm going to log five pretzels if that is what I had for a snack. I'm going to periodically throw out the things I can't handle. That is my 'normal', for better or worse.

Yes, this is what I'm coming to realize. I have a *condition* and I have to manage it. Just like people with diabetes, alcoholism or whatever...we could go on and on. I need to accept this fact and move on, stop feeling sorry for myself and over thinking it and do the work to manage it. I know how...I've been doing it for a while now and this is my new normal.

ncuneo, at least our condition CAN be managed. We've got to be thankful for that.

You see that avatar that you've got, with that precious little boy, well there are some folks that have conditions that don't allow them to give birth.

There are people with conditions that don't allow them to learn and function. There are people with conditions that need to be hooked up to machines. There are people with all sorts of conditions who have zero say in how they are managed or can't be managed at all.

Again, we've got to be thankful that we've got one that can be managed - and without medical intervention.

It took me 30 years to develop what I consider a normal relationship with food.

Since childhood I used it for control, comfort, protection, elation, escape, etc.

And the abuse of food made me sick. Like mentally sick in the way I connected with food. I thought about it ALL the time. No matter what my weight was.

Though I began to understand years ago why I was abusing food, I didnt really understand how the abuse manifested in brain chemical terms and therefore I could go thru therapy but I couldnt physically figure out how to break an addiction to something we all need, food! I was addicted to food. I binged almost daily. My whole life.

And then slowly, somehow it all changed.

I have a non-neurotic, positive, rewarding, fueling relationship with food. I primarily see it as fuel for my body. But I am a total foodie and eat out many nights a week.

Now - this doesnt mean I never eat to be happy! But I understand what Im doing, and Im ok with it when I rarely let the indulgence happen. And you know what, once in a blue moon I still have a mini-binge, but I just shrug it off as a single misstep and go back to my normal, healthy eating pattern.

You asked what a normal relationship is - and paradoxically, I define it for me as not feeling so plagued by the struggle. Its easy now. Its not 100% perfect, but its pretty easy. And it feels good.

Ive read a couple posts by you, and I can see you are struggling a little now. But keep at it. And I highly suggest reading An End to Overreating. There is a thread somewhere else on the board by it. It really goes over some tactical approaches to changing to addiction patterns sugar, fat and salt create in our brains

Best of luck to you.

Exactly Robin!

Great points xty.