You asked what a normal relationship is - and paradoxically, I define it for me as not feeling so plagued by the struggle.
Yup - me too. I think of 'normal' eating as not constantly thinking about food. Not having to worry about the calorie content of everything. Of being able to have a taste of something rich and be satisfied. Of being able to eat a big pile of veggies because I am hungry and feeling satiated afterwards. Not obsessing over whether or not to have an evening snack. Being able to eat something I want and then stop when I feel almost full.
I think I think of "normal" eating as food and eating being "easy". Some things have gotten somewhat easy for me... but I don't know that they will ever be "easy". All my "thin" friends have to watch what they eat, too. Thin-ness doesn't come easy for anyone I know.
The latest issue of "Shape" magazine has an incredible article about women and our relationship with food and exercise. It really opened my eyes. Highly recommend reading it!
I don't think I will ever really have a normal relationship with food. When I was a child my parents and grandmother showed love with food and I could eat whatever and as much as I wanted. So I think I will always have to watch my calories and some foods may always be off limits. It might be somewhat normal if I could have a serving of chips, walk away and not be thinking about when I can have them next or go back to have the whole bag.
Whatever is considered 'normal', I'm still always amazed the power food has over us!
I also recommend The End to Overeating. I am reading it now, and have found it eye opening. As I am 60 years old, I can actually remember the day the first McDonald's came to our town. My dad worked for the newspaper, and it was a huge deal with a grand opening at the McDonald's. They served the 'regular" hamburger and maybe had fries (can't remember). When I think of how our culture of food has changed since then, it is no wonder that we have a weight problem. Fast food and food variety has exploded since then.
In the book The End of Overeating, the author researches and tells us just how far all food companies have gone to make sure that we get more than our share of fat, sugar and salt -- all to sell more product. It makes me realize that we have a real fight on our hands to eat moderately in our society today. True, the buck stops with our forks, but we need to be aware of the forces that drive us through the drive-throughs or into a pint of cookie dough ice cream. Awareness is key when it comes to food.
Good luck with your struggles, ncuneo. You have done a great job and I know you will continue to do so.
This is an interesting thread. Instead of 'normal' relationship with food, I want a 'realistic' attitude for food. I was reading a silly magazine and found a quote, supposedly from jennifer anniston, something like "I am a realist, I know that if I eat hamburgers and french fries everyday, I'm simply not going to get the parts I want".
Not that I cannot ever eat a french fry again - but I need to be a 'realist' and understand that one or two is okay - but they contain no nutritional value and loads of fat.
I also have to learn: to be a realist with my portions. Just because it is healthy does not mean that I need a "mound" of food; I also have to learn that I have 'false' hunger cues and should simply stick to the clock for when it is time to eat..... etc.
Taking a realistic position on the facts of food may help us override the emotional component of food.
I definitely support the statements of the others who said/agreed that we are lucky in a sense that our condition is entirely manageable. I sincerely believe that, in the end, if we practice making decisions for our future, and not immediate gratification - then that 'muscle' will become stronger and our condition will be easier to control.
I once read a study on the patterns of those who quit smoking. It was evident that the people who had previously quit many times would eventually quit for good. The more times they tried, the more likely they would learn and be able to eventually REALLY quit and could become a long-time non-smoker. All their efforts added up.
Like many others here, I don't think I'll ever have a "normal" relationship with food - but I've learned how to fake it, to eat like I do, and that's, realistically, enough.
After looking in the mirror a year and a half ago and realizing (somehow it came as a shock) that I was yet again 100 pounds overweight, I did a lot of soul searching, thinking, research . . . trying to figure out not how to lose the weight again - I knew I could do that - but how to actually maintain a weight. (I realized that I couldn't recall any one year period during which my weight had fluctuated by less than 10 pounds - ever.)
One of the things that I was finally able to wrap my head around is that for me there is no diet. There is no on plan or off plan. Every bite of food I put into my mouth counts. The calories all count whether I eat them on plan or off plan. There is nothing magical about eating a monster sized bowl of ice cream one night to finish it off so you can go back on plan the next day. Every calorie still counts.
Like many here, I've had issues with binging. My mother put me on my first diet when I was 5. For me, my binging was always diet related . . . eating forbidden foods at night when everyone was in bed, eating all of a forbidden food to finish it off so I could "get back on track" the next day. For me, the binging ended when I took everything off the forbidden food list and calorie counting enables me to do that. I can eat A SERVING of *anything* as long as it fits in my calorie count for the day. I KNOW this does not work for everyone - but for me that binge trigger appears to have been much more mental than physical.
Two years ago, I would have never dreamed that I could be one of those folks who could eat *one* cookie, *one* ounce of cheese, *one* ounce of a crusty french bread and leave the rest. But, it turns out . . . I am. I just never knew it.
I know that to many, my plan would seem obsessive. I log every bite I eat although I do have some shortcuts - I use a custom entry for a generic healthy balanced meal. I still wear a GWF to monitor my calories burned because it helps me tell the difference between head hunger and body hunger. (I really have to fake this part - my "you need more fuel" button is seriously broken.) I consider these things tools that help me do the things that others may be able to do without them. Someone else may need a calculator to balance their checkbook - I need these things to balance my food intake.
I think if I lived alone and didn't have a job, I could have a totally normal relationship with food. I enjoy shopping for fresh produce and food a few times a week and making small, fresh meals. When I'm on vacation (alone), I eat 3-5x a day -- fresh, high-quality food, stop when full, never mindlessly gnosh, and don't obsess over what or when I will eat next. When I lived alone, I was the same way. The only things in the house were things I could use to make meals. I threw out food that I didn't finish.
*But*, I don't live on vacation or alone, and I do have a job. So, it's a challenge. My husband and kids don't eat the same foods that I like. I have to pack food for work, so I have to think and plan ahead -- and when I don't, I make easy choices that aren't always the best for me. Or go all day without eating because I'm too busy to run out and get lunch, then overeat because I'm ravenous at the end of the day.
So, yeah. I think I could have a normal relationship with food... if life wasn't constantly getting in the way. :-)
My relationship with food would be a lot more normal if I stopped using it to express myself or to vent.
If I am having an issue with not getting enough rest, why do I express that by eating?
Same with loneliness. Why am I wired to think that food is the solution?
And also with feeling life is so hectic, it's out of my control, and I can never get it all done. ("How can I get it all done?" is a despairing question that I continually ask myself.) Why do I think food is the answer, or eating will solve this?
I am like the person who knows only how to use a screwdriver and keeps trying to apply that tool no matter what handyman task he's been given, from chopping wood to digging post holes to nailing boards together. That's what I do with eating & food.
I get that it's partly because I'm a woman. And partly because of the primitive, elemental thing about the comfort of a full belly.
It's just so hard to dissociate food from acting-out behaviors. I think it will be my lifetime task. I do think I'm better at it than I was, say, about 13 years ago. By this rate, I may have it right by the time I'm in my 80s, should I be blessed to live so long.
I started a whole thread about it last night, but I had a "normal eater" experience yesterday. I wanted to make cookies, made cookies, didn't feel tempted to sneak dough or hot from-scratch cookies. Bagged them up for friends and split one with a girl friend who stopped by. I enjoyed it, but I didn't think about wanting another one. The bags are still on my counter and I'm not obsessing over them at all. I've really kind of surprised myself with it, and I have thought "this must be how normal people deal with cookies."
I know I don't have a normal relationship with food. My mother is a severe alcoholic, and I think I got her obsessive addict personality but directed it to food instead of alcohol. Not to mention my whole childhood was practically designed to create a child with an unhealthy relationship with food. I was understimulated, home alone most of the time, around addiction, I was rewarded with food, picked on by my thin mother for being chubby even though I was a 7 year old home alone 75% of the time and the only way I could feed myself was box after box of mac and cheese. I learned that food entertained me, it was fun, it made me feel better, etc. But I had to be sneaky about it and eat as much as I could when I could.
As a result, I'm obsessed with food. For example, if I'm at a party with a snack table or something, I literally cannot enjoy the party because I'm obsessing over what's over there, how I could sneak some and shovel it in my mouth when nobody's looking, how much I could eat in front of people without them thinking I'm piggish, etc. I don't see how people can function and carry on conversations when there are all those munchies over there that they could be eating.
I'm kind of practicing the "fake it until you make it" thing. Yes, I am still obsessed with food. But I am MAKING myself act like a normal-eating person. I don't finish my meals when I eat out even though I still feel "hungry" and I could easily shovel everything on my plate in my mouth. I say "no thanks, I don't want to spoil my dinner" even though I could eat whatever was being offered and two dinners afterwards. I still have the compulsion and desire to overeat and eat anything I can get my hands on, but I'm not giving in. Not finishing a plate or passing on a snack isn't a natural behavior for me...yet. It may never be. But I'm practicing, and it's getting easier.
I think a normal relationship with food is eating fuel that you enjoy. Intuitively finding balance between what is healthy and what is pleasurable. What I'm lacking in the "normal relationship with food" is the intuition. I can be happy and content when I have the balance between healthy fuel and pleasure foods, but I absolutely must rely on counting calories to find that balance. My eating intuition mechanism doesn't work.
A few years ago, I might have said I didn't have any problems with food, but I was overweight. The problem, for me, was that I wasn't using food to hide emotions, I wasn't using my weight to hide my body, and I couldn't pinpoint why I wasn't thin, like I felt I should be.
I went to therapy and I discovered a lot of things:
1) I had a lot of bad habits around food that I learned from my family. I learned to reward exercise with food, because my mother used to give us chocolate bars as a reward after swim meets. As we got older, it used to be other things, but it started with those darn chocolate bars. I also learned that all social events had to be centered around food.
2) I realized I didn't know anything about nutrition, calories, where weight comes from, etc.
3) I felt it was unreasonable that I would eat what I wanted AND gain weight, because I thought everyone around me could eat whatever they wanted and be thin (I was delusional).
4) Because I didn't go through my typical teen rebellion phase, I "rebelled" through food, because my mother restricted it for us when we were growing up. As a kid, I didn't have a weight issue, but as soon as I had the freedom to buy whatever food I wanted, I would. I didn't understand that eating a chocolate bar every day meant that I was going to be gaining a couple of pounds a month.
Combine all of that and I gained so much weight (well, add to that the PCOS and it was a storm of epic proportions) as an adult.
Going to therapy to figure this out helped. I would read books on binge-eating and not really feel it was addressing my problems. I would read books on how the weight was a symbol for hiding behind the fat and that didn't help me either because I wasn't hiding anything.
Now that I understand that it's a combination of lack of knowledge, bad habits, not cooking (I hate to clean up!), and being delusional about thin people, I was finally able to start working on something that's helped me lose (some) weight.
The rest is just working on this path and not letting old habits or feeling indignant that other people don't have to work so hard (because, they do work hard at being thin) stop me.
I agree with the comment on the sugar/fats/addictions to food. I think there is something to that and the less I eat fast food or other junk, the less cravings I get for those foods. I used to get cravings for french fries or cake and now I rarely get those cravings. But I do get angry knowing that our food companies are pushing profit over something that is so valuable to our society. >
Of course, I'm also IR/PCOS so I have a whole host of other things going on here too.
I see so many people saying "I dont think I could ever have a normal relationship with food."
I know what it is to have lived your entire life never having had a normal relationship with food, to have absolutely no hope of having a normal relationship despite having lost a lot of weight and maintained it.
It has basically taken me 10 years to work thru it and get to the point where I feel like I do, unbelievably have a very normal relationship with food.
Even if you cant be optimistic about reaching that point of "normal", I want to encourage you to be hopeful. Hope isnt the same as optimism. Optimism is having a positive attitude and thinking that you will receive the favorable outcome. Hope, so much more important to me, is the ability to see a situation that seems absolutely impossible and persevere in the face of it anyway!
I have found that if I can open myself to the possibility of an outcome, the chance of it happening is greatly improved
