[Pudgebrownie]

If you've read my thread in the "Introductions" forum you'll know that I struggle with ED. So it's probably no surprise that my daily food consumption is inadequate and my exercise regimen is overkill. But I truly am trying to balance both without feeling like an absolute failure. Anyone who has suffered or suffers from that nagging voice in your head that tells you to eat nothing and workout more will know what I'm talking about. On average, I'm eating around 500 calories per day and working out several hours per day. But when I eat even a few more calories than what I allow myself or cut my workout an hour short — it literally ruins my whole day. I feel super guilty, even though, I know that I have plenty of room to eat more and workout a lot less. It's a plaguing mindset. I guess the hardest part is when coworkers, friends and family tell me how great I look and encourage me to continue doing whatever it is I'm doing because it's "working". That's just the kind of encouragement that drives me harder. But having said all this, I'm finding that I simply don't have the desire to eat any more than what I'm eating. I mean, my stomach literally has trouble eating more than about 8oz of food in a sitting. So how do I eat more when I feel physically limited to doing so? I guess the working out wouldn't be so bad if I just ate more. I should add that about a month ago, I was doing really well with my whole life changing process but in a short amount of time I have slipped into eating less and less, working out more and more. I know exactly what's happening here but it feels so familiar and.. comfortable.


Positive vibes welcomed. I could use a pick-me-upper.

[iriswhispers]

Here's some of those positive vibes!

It's so great that you recognize what you are doing and want to stop it, but I definitely understand the difficulty with that when you're getting such positive feedback. Just remember that even if your weight loss slows down, people will still notice you're losing and getting in shape and I bet you'll still get those great compliments. I'm trying to maintain my weight loss now and it can be hard since everyone's used to seeing me at this weight - no more comments on how good I'm looking or how much weight I've lost, but I've got to look in the mirror, realize how far I've come, and set goals for my exercise to keep me going.

If you can't eat much food at one time, maybe you could try eating more often - I know some people prefer to do 6 small snack/meals a day to "3 squares."

Best of luck to you!

[dragonwoman64]

I've been in ED group therapy, my problem being compulsive overeating/binging. I worked with women who suffered from bulimia and anorexia. It's very tough.

I suggest you reach out to find some therapy help, the sooner the better. If you're in school, there may be groups. Good luck!!! and best vibes to you. Be healthy above all, mentally and physically.

[Eliana]

No advice here. Just another hug.

It is a fine line and I fear crossing it myself. I did what you are describing in high school and college and sometimes now as a 36 year old adult I feel myself wishing I could do that again. Weight loss can really mess with anyone's mind.

The only thing I could recommend, and having really no experience I don't know that it's any good, but perhaps start adding more calories through fruit and vegetables. You're eating 500 calories, so tomorrow try adding an apple to your diet to get up to 600, and then the next week add another 100 calories. I think your stomach has just shrunk to the point where you feel full sooner, but your body is going to start eating away at your muscles and then worse. You don't want to lose muscle.

Do your workouts include strength training? I'm just curious because I really do bet you're losing a lot of muscle and more so if your workouts are cardio only. I'm worried for you that soon those compliments are going to become fewer and farther between because this may take its toll and you may start to look sickly.

I feel for you! I know sometimes it's hard to get those calories in. Many women struggle with the opposite problem, but I know I've been too low before and you really do feel full.

[damngina]

First of all, what you're going through is so rough and I sometimes feel myself straddling the line between ED-ish behavior and being healthy. It can be even harder when people see you losing weight and compliment you about it, giving you more reasons to continue on this path. So, I really sympathize.

That being said, I second the poster upthread who mentioned therapy. The eating and exercise will change when you change your approach and when you talk about some of the issues that are leading you to act this way. 500 calories a day is very, very low, especially if you're working out for hours a day. It could lead to worse health problems than you could have faced at your highest weight.

I really think that the diet and exercise is a symptom of something else, not the main problem. Good luck! Sending you good vibes as well.

[Pudgebrownie]

Thanks for the positive vibes. I really appreciate it. Like I said, I'm not in denial, I know exactly what's going on here. But because it feels so familiar and comfortable, I'm having a hard time steering myself away from it. This will sound a bit odd but I actually feel somewhat rewarded when I commit flawlessly to my regimen. It's like I almost want to give myself a gold star for being so devoted to "the cause".


To answer the question, yes, I do 30 minutes of strength-training everyday after an hour of cardio in the morning and evening. I've been taking photos of myself weekly, on every Sunday to be exact, and I'm seeing a huge improvement in regards to toning up. Again, I need to fuel my body with adequate food in order to continue such an active lifestyle. I will challenge myself this week and into the next, to eat at least 800 calories as opposed to my 500 calories. I'll start with just a few more calories in something like a granola bar.. Those are about 100+ calories, right? Thanks again.

[JayEll]

ED is an illness that tricks you into thinking you can be "perfect" through those actions that are actually harming you.

Is there any way you could see a dietitian or therapist who specializes in ED to get some help with this? A dietitian could give you a daily menu to follow that would get you proper nutrition without triggering your ED.

Jay

[Heather]

I'm glad you came and posted and that you aren't in denial about what's going on. I'm going to third or fourth the suggestion to see a therapist. The tough part about that mindset, as you've said, is that you find it rewarding on some level, but what you're doing is dangerous!

[saef]

I have been there and I really relate to your post. My eating disorder has been in remission for nearly nine years now, due to my efforts in cognitive behavioral therapy and also from seeing a therapist weekly. I should mention medication also has been involved for certain periods. I say "in remission" because there's not a day that I don't ask myself whether my choices are healthy & whether I am staying on the side of the line where my behavior could rightly be called "dedicated" and "training normally for someone who's quite active" rather than the side of the line where I'd be judged "obsessive" and "not healthy" by a professional. Sometimes I need to talk it out with my therapist, to get a reality check. I have had to learn to use therapy, though, and to "offer it up" with complete honesty, particularly when I want to "forget" or hold back details. I could NOT have done this alone, not even with the finest, most empathic message board on the Internet supporting me. So I'm going to join other voices in urging you to speak with someone who knows about treating eating disorders.

Pudgebrownie wrote

But I truly am trying to balance both without feeling like an absolute failure. Anyone who has suffered or suffers from that nagging voice in your head that tells you to eat nothing and workout more will know what I'm talking about.

That punitive "nagging" voice is one of the things that I listen for, which tells me that my behavior is crossing over toward the unhealthy part of the spectrum. When I suffer deep guilt or when I feel I can never do enough, I know it's a symptom. It's very different from someone who finishes a hard workout & then feels mildly elated later, like yeah, they could run another mile, maybe. As you say, it's a disparaging, nagging voice. It leaves me uncertain & always trying to do more, to excel, to propitiate it. But it's only temporarily quieted. Face it; when this voice starts up, you can never do enough. You're human. It wants a perfect robot made of a gold-plated mechanism, though covered with skin & resembling a person. It never allows for illness, for being tired, for soreness or injury, for being depressed, or for maybe having some fun plans with friends. That's why it's so dangerous. Do you know what it takes for someone to be an "absolute failure," as you put it? A lot more than missing a few workouts. That is a pretty devastating label to place on oneself. One of our members (I think Mandalinn) has a quote in her signature about "failure" being an action, never a person.

But when I eat even a few more calories than what I allow myself or cut my workout an hour short — it literally ruins my whole day. I feel super guilty, even though, I know that I have plenty of room to eat more and workout a lot less. It's a plaguing mindset.

That guilt, that deep, depressing low -- cycling down from the high of having exercised & having eaten perfectly -- is not a good thing to experience. You may not be able to imagine now how good it feels not to experience that anymore; rather, to have a mild feeling of irritation, and then to move on right away, and resolve to do better, and keep on going, because there are a lot of other things in life to do & to think about.

I guess the hardest part is when coworkers, friends and family tell me how great I look and encourage me to continue doing whatever it is I'm doing because it's "working". That's just the kind of encouragement that drives me harder.

I got this from people as well. Do you know what you have to look like & behave like before people suspect you have an eating disorder? Unless you're with a person who's had one herself, or with someone who spends 24 hours a day with you, it's easy to hide it or feign normality. Literally, you have to look like a skeleton before people will tell you to stop. They may say something before then, but it's because they're joking around, and they don't take EDs seriously. Your average person says: "Oh, she's anorexic" when you turn down potato chips, or "You're wasting away" to someone who's lost 20 pounds, but they don't really mean it. They just aren't very helpful here. They aren't living in your head & hearing what you're saying to yourself in self-talk, or experiencing the rollercoaster of elation and guilt & depression.

But because it feels so familiar and comfortable, I'm having a hard time steering myself away from it. This will sound a bit odd but I actually feel somewhat rewarded when I commit flawlessly to my regimen. It's like I almost want to give myself a gold star for being so devoted to "the cause".

It's an illness, like being in a manic phase. You will feel superhuman at time, like you have energy like Wonder Woman, and incredibly elated when you get it right. It's a high like being on drugs, nearly. But what's required to get that is to carry it out "flawlessly" and so the reverse of the coin is the crushing black depression & guilt when you can't get it EXACTLY right, the fear of not being able to carry out your plans, the avoidance of anything that messes with your plans, and overall, the feeling that you're inherently not good enough, you're only good enough if you BEHAVE PERFECTLY.

This is what a therapist could be helping you face: Less drama. More moderation. Something that resembles your old normal life, but with healthier habits, rather than swinging between extremes.

I could tell you to eat more, or at least to make sure you're getting high-quality protein & fats, but I think you need more than a stranger on a message board affirming that with a couple more granola bars a day, you'll be okay. Seriously. Look in the yellow pages. Google ED resources in your geographic area. Check out Web sites with forums frequented by people with EDs, more specialized than this one.

Sorry for the novel, but if I don't write this, I am going to be worrying about you all day after I log off this morning & leave my laptop, and I'm going to be thinking of things I coulda shoulda said to you.

I leave you with this. You can get over this. And still stay healthy & athletic. But it will be a lot of work.