What's the old saying? "Men marry women hoping they will never change and women marry men hoping they will: both are doomed to disappointment." I dislike gender generalizations, but I think in many relationships you get exactly this dynamic (though who hopes for stability or change may vary).

ThicknPretty- I completely agree. It seems like some people are trying to frame it as "sit back and accept it or leave." But they really aren't, we're all just approaching this from different angles. For example, I think some are giving their advice with what to do when even the middle ground, not-nagging approach won't work. Yes, at that point, the options are acceptance or leave him.

Trust me, I know how bad that decision is. I've had to make it twice. Both times I stuck with my man. But I know how badly I would personally want to avoid that choice, and I do think there is some middle ground and "sneaky" ground work you can employ before it gets to that point.

GG I think at this point all you can do is have him see a doctor (and call the doctor's office- speak to the doctor and tell him do NOT sugar coat things- SCARE him if you have to lol).

Then tell him flat out- I'm not asking you to do every single thing I do- but I cook our dinners with the best interests of BOTH of us in mind so please stop sulking about the food I make- it hurts me because I not only took the time to make this- but you are just making things more difficult than they have to be.

I had to have this talk with my husband- I told him I didn't appreciate the sulking and that if he doesn't like it he doesn't have to eat dinner with us. And that did NOT mean he could order food for himself either.

At first he whined a bit but now he NEVER complains- he eats everything I put down, even says it's good, and if there is something he really doesn't want to eat (usually seafood) he makes himself something else for dinner.

If he's used to large portions fill his plates with lots of veggies. overall he will need more food than you.

You just need to be honest- you've told us a lot of things that can lead to divorce- and maybe if he sees how serious you are that this weight is not only affecting his health but the health of your marriage he might try harder. I'm not saying to say "shape up or get out" but just say "because of the weight issues our sex life has taken a toll, our relationship isn't as romantic, etc...."

Good luck.

I don't get the "leave him" part.

I stick with the advice to lead by example first and if that doesn't work, have a heart to heart about it...maybe sick the doctor on him. But why leave him?

Can you make someone lose weight? No. But do you have an obligation to yourself and your marriage to tell that person when sex is not as good for you or, if such is the case (I am not saying it is in your case, as you did not say that, but in can be), when you aren't as physically attracted to him or her as you were when you got married? Yes. And I don't think there is anything wrong with feeling that way, either. It doesn't mean you are going to abandon your spouse. It doesn't mean you are not still committed and in love. But attraction and sexual satisfaction are important components of most marriages. You can't just keep your feelings to yourself. Your spouse has a right to know how you are feeling, and you have a right to have your feelings heard. And if you aren't up front about it, over time your marriage really could suffer the consequences.

I don't happen to think that "for better or worse" means that you just accept whatever comes without voicing how whatever comes affects you. Communication—and this includes the difficult conversations, like being up front about the bedroom—is the key to a lasting relationship. And you can have these conversations while still couching them in language that is not an attack and does not leave your spouse feeling dejected and rejected.

I have read articles about getting husbands to do chores around the house. And many of them talked about praising your hubby for every little thing he does and this would encourage him to do more things around the house. Maybe you could apply this to eating? Find ways to praise him for eating his veggies. Or when he sits down to eat (as opposed to walking around thinking about how boring dinner is) talk about how nice it is to sit down as a family and eat together.

Would he go for lighter versions of things - like Fat free Sour Cream? There are reduced calorie juices, too.

Can you put your little one in a stroller and all go for a walk together as a family?

As far as the sex, I can see why you wouldn't want to critisize him, but there has got to be a way you can bring it up. I think it is important to maintain communication. Maybe start with little things. Like maybe if you suggested positions and then practiced at them, maybe he will get better? If you can get him out for walks and stuff, that will help, too.

Soon, he is going to have a little one he is going to want to run after and play with (My son started walking at a nice and early age of 10 months old... and he hasn't stopped moving since! He is now 17 months old)

I can agree with you in that nagging can damage a relationship, but it seems to me that leaving someone isn't going to save a relationship... and neither is sitting by, being complacent, watching someone slowly kill themselves by over-eating. Nagging and silence are not the only two options.

This is a nice point... HOWEVER... I would like to ask everyone in this thread to think if they were in his shoes.

How would you like it if your husband go to dictate what you ate?

How would you like it if he SECRETLY wanted you to lose more weight because having 'bedroom time' with you was not 'fun' anymore?

How would you like him nagging you about exercise and portion control all the time?


I can tell you right now, if my husband wrote anything like this about me on an internet forum, he'd be packing his bags. Thats all I have to say.

I don't think anyone is saying "leave him"--it's just that if you can't change something about someone, you have to either accept it or leave. Staying and being a total b**** about it for the next thirty years is the "middle ground" a lot of people decide on, and it's really the worst of every world: you hate your relationship, you don't even like yourself, and it never changes.

Accepting something doesn't mean you don't want it to change, and it doesn't mean you can't take steps to create an atmosphere where it is more likely to change--by having healthy food around, or not going with him to Big Bob's Heart Attack and Ribs all you can eat buffet. But you have to accept that in the end, it's his life and he will be the one who makes that choice.

Here is an analogy: I've been married for ten years and with my husband for 3 years before that. We have as strong of a marriage as anyone I know. He loves me fiercely, and he shows me that every day. But he has never, not ONCE, told me he loves me. He's never said the words or anything near them. It became obvious to me around the time we got married that he never would, for reasons I really don't understand. There was a period where I tried to nag him, cajole him, reason him into saying those words--and I had lots of good reasons. In the end, I realized this was just who he was--a guy who didn't say "I love you". I didn't understand it--still don't, really--but it wasn't going to change. At that point, I had an epiphany--I had to either accept that with good grace, or I needed to leave him. It wasn't acceptable to spend the next 30 years arguing about it--that would poison our relationship. And I spent several months deciding how big of a deal those words were to me--because they are a big deal in my family. And in the end I decided I liked him more than I liked hearing the words, and I haven't brought it up since.

Now, if in 5 years my husband were to work through whatever issues he has and start saying "I love you" to me, I'd flipping love it. It would be amazing. It would mean a lot to me. But if he doesn't, that's fine. I am happy with this. I'm happy with him and my marriage.

You have to be able to be happy with the spouse you have now, even if you'd like him or her to be different in some ways. And if you can't find a way to be happy with the spouse you have, then I do think you should think about leaving. Years and years and years of trying to change who someone is sounds like **** for everyone involved.

I've never disagreed with this. I've said in every post you can make sure not to enable someone, not to help them be unhealthy. What I don't think you can do is play the emotion cards--guilt or shame, especially. Which is what most nagging is about.

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Good point! Sometimes I think it is hard to see others points of view.

I know that if it were me, I would want my husband to tell me if my weight was affecting our sex-life. And I don't think the OP is saying that it is his weight exactly that is the problem as much as it is that he sounds out of shape and unable to do the things he once could. (though, I guess we could all probably say there are things we could once do that we can't do now)

My hubby and I have a 17 month old and more often than not, we are too tired for sex, too tired to go out and do things, too tired to stay up and watch movies... And sex is very important to me. It is a time when I can be close and intimate with my husband when I am usually otherwise occupied with diaper changes, dino chicken nuggets and trips to daycare. I think sex is important!

I don't think a woman encouraging her husband to better himself should automatically be called nagging. I agree that none of us should be standing over our hubbys telling them what he should or shouldn't eat. (that certiainly would be ANNOYING! lol! If hubby did that to me, I would lose it!) But there are other options. There are other ways of communicating. There are always compromises. Maybe the OP could try cooking healthy meals all week and then cooking a "special meal" on the weekend for him that includes sour cream and cheese and what not. Or maybe they could sit down, she could express her concerns and they could talk about how or even IF she can/should help him with his weight loss.

A heart to heart is definitely important. My husband was diagnosed with Multiple Scleroris in March of 2009. The neurologist said my husband needed a healthy diet. I sat him down and I said that I wanted him to be able to get around as long as possible and not need a wheelchair by the time he's 40 because of his eating habits. I came only from a place of love and concern and that's when he really buckled down and told me that he knew I only cared about him and that he knew he had to take care of himself, not only for himself but for me and our future children. I know for him as well he'd be devastated if his MS progressed to where he was in a wheelchair and unable to enjoy life with his family.

And maybe a few tears helped also lol.

Getting some input helps- I agree to bring in the low fat or FF sour cream- I use it and hubby is happy with it :) I don't always eat it myself but it's there for him :) Put the baby in his stroller and off you go- even if the first day is only 15 minutes I guarantee after a few weeks you'll both look forward to the after dinner walk. I walk on my lunches and if I miss a day I'm bummed! lol.

And I agree encouragment is great and doing activities like every night after dinner go for a walk in the neighborhood- it's great exercise and it'll bring you two closer together :)

Scraver said exactly what I was thinking...there must be a middle ground between accepting someone's dangerous and unhealthy behavior and walking out the door.

And how would I feel if someone DICTATED what I ate? Wouldn't like that at all. Dictating is a pretty aggressive, controlling, powerful thing to do. There is a big difference between dictating and saying, "You know, I feel like they way you are eating is affecting your health and in turn, our relationship and while I understand that it is difficult, I feel like it's important that I let you know that now." Standing over someone, watching them like a hawk, is not healthy...neither is sitting back and watching them stuff their face and clog their arteries and shrugging and saying, "Well, I don't want to nag and he is an adult...."

I don't get how having a conversation with someone and expressing your feelings is nagging. That seems like such a stereotype (of women, of wives)...that we can't speak our minds without being a nag? And it's an assumption, as well, that if we're anything but silent and complacent and accepting, we must be screaming and picking and poking and annoying. There IS a middle ground. It IS possible to have an adult, rational, compassionate conversation with someone about the behaviors that they are exhibiting without NAGGING them in the least.

And that's what I would suggest she do. How unfair would it be if she sat back, watched him eat himself to 400 pounds, and then left because she couldn't deal with it? Wouldn't it be better to address it directly (and sensitively) NOW rather than later, when the problem is worse and the relationship is damaged even further?

If I get married and I gain 100 pounds...my husband BETTER say something.

Aaaaaannnd that's all. Lol.

I appreciate that! :) I was reading the OP and thought of how hurt I would be, how betrayed I would feel if my partner decided he was my dietician and personal trainer rather than my #1 fan and support system.


And for the record, I have gained 80 pounds since I was married ten years ago-- and trust me, he didn't need to tell me... I already knew!;):D