This isn't so much an issue of depression as it is one of self-esteem, but I wasn't sure where else to post this. So, do any of you ladies struggle with intimacy? I find it really difficult just to go on a date. Being friends with a guy is easy, but as soon as it turns into something more he won't hear from me. I can't help but avoid him because whenever I'm with him I have this fear that he's embarrassed to be with me. I'm constantly thinking of reasons to put myself down and I'm tired of it. I just want to be in a normal relationship in which I feel like I'm an equal partner. But I've never really gotten close to anyone before. And the only time I'm able to be physically intimate with someone is when I'm completely wasted. It's pathetic. I'm probably going to end up spending Valentines Day alone. I know, it's just a day. But just once I'd like to celebrate it with someone. Can any of you relate?
Yes completely. I wish I could be normal, but I'm just not.
V day is indeed just one day and I'll again be spending it alone. The last time I spend V day with a date I was in my 20s.. and I am now in my 40s. It no longer bothers me too much. I just think of the reality of relationships.. some good, some bad..not all rainbows, hearts and roses which is what we are suppose to believe about V day.... That it is a perfect day of love and romance.
Spend the day doing something good for YOU.. reminding yourself you are loveable. I am going to the gym and taking an indulgent nap that day.. and making myself a nice comforting healthy dinner. and spending the rest of the day with someone who loves me unconditionally. my cat!
I can totally relate! I won't even visit my fiance at work because I always think people will wonder why he's going to marry a fat girl. We also rarely get intimate since I've put on the weight. He has no problem with it but I do and I'm embarrassed. I keep promising it will change as soon as I lose the weight but it's a horrible feeling. You are not alone and we will get through this!
Yes I can relate. It took my [now] fiance 10 years to convince me I'm at least 'okay' (while he thinks I'm fabulous... it's hard for me to accept). For me, when I met him I still had the uneasy feelings of getting close, but there was something else there. It was like home, but a home I never knew before. And he was patient. He wouldn't give up, and he just worked through everything with me. I guess I'm just saying there is always hope until you give up or settle. Don't ever settle. Just trust your heart. It's better to be alone this Valentine's Day than with the wrong person. (or with someone who leaves you high and dry for every major holiday... sigh, like my poor friend...) Keep your head up.
Um - I'll just chuck this out there: I am married, and have been with my husband for 5 years (married just over 1), and I don't care about sex. Seriously. It has nothing to do with my body, I don't think. I do feel self-conscious from time to time, but I am just rarely in the mood. He would enjoy sex like, 4 or 5 times a week. It's not him. I have never been "big on sex". Before anyone does ask - yes, I have always had "attentive" lovers. I "enjoy myself" nearly every time. <ahem> But, I am just not that into it. Once we're in mid-act, I can certainly acclimate and have a grand old time, but I am dragged, kicking and screaming. Most men do prefer to have to chase the lady around a little, but this is ridiculous. Anyone else experience this? Could it have to do somehow with body issues - maybe I am just not very connected to myself? Ideas? It can be a little funny - like the cartoon of the skunks, and the boy skunk REALLY likes the girl skunk and she's just not having it, but I am starting to feel bad for hubs, always having to put in hours of work to get me to agree to anything frisky.
For the record I LOOOOOOOOOOVE to snuggle, and we do snuggle constantly.
Um - I'll just chuck this out there: I am married, and have been with my husband for 5 years (married just over 1), and I don't care about sex. Seriously. It has nothing to do with my body, I don't think. I do feel self-conscious from time to time, but I am just rarely in the mood. He would enjoy sex like, 4 or 5 times a week. It's not him. I have never been "big on sex". Before anyone does ask - yes, I have always had "attentive" lovers. I "enjoy myself" nearly every time. <ahem> But, I am just not that into it. Once we're in mid-act, I can certainly acclimate and have a grand old time, but I am dragged, kicking and screaming. Most men do prefer to have to chase the lady around a little, but this is ridiculous. Anyone else experience this? Could it have to do somehow with body issues - maybe I am just not very connected to myself? Ideas? It can be a little funny - like the cartoon of the skunks, and the boy skunk REALLY likes the girl skunk and she's just not having it, but I am starting to feel bad for hubs, always having to put in hours of work to get me to agree to anything frisky.
For the record I LOOOOOOOOOOVE to snuggle, and we do snuggle constantly.
After years of pregnancy, breastfeeding, and weight gain (I literally spent almost 9 years pregnant, breastfeeding, or both.), I had zero sex drive. I finally started taking Welbutrin for depression, and OMG. I can't believe the difference. I still have physical issues that make sex difficult sometimes (related to my size), but my desire is through the roof, for me anyway.
eclipse: Thank you! I don't "feel" depressed, but I have been thinking of getting myself into some short-term "talk therapy" before I embark on the next "life mission" - perhaps I will bring this up. It'd be nice to feel lusty, I think. Good for you - bet you enjoy it!! Bet your sweetie enjoys it!!
Honestly, I didn't really feel depressed either. This was more . . .lack of motivation, I guess. I'd been depressed before when I had some bad stuff go one in my life, and that time I felt like it - crying all the time, feeling like I was on the edge of hurting myself, etc. My doctor said that's the depression that gets treated, usually. But the lack of motivation, difficulty sleeping, being tired all the time, etc usually gets over looked because it's not dramatic. I felt so different as soon as I started taking it, though - within a week or two. I felt like my old self, which I hadn't realized I'd stopped feeling like. Aside from the sex drive, it's had a good affect on my weightloss efforts. The first 20 lbs or so, I was able to lose with very little attention from me, even over the holidays (when I usually gain 10+ lbs).
Now me -- I'm married and the sex is good, but still; there are plenty of times when I feel embarrassed for my husband when we're out because he's with "the fat chick." He doesn't seem to feel this way, but I get down on myself horribly for not being good enough for him.
@Rythm - Totally relate. I'll be 37 next week and have never been in a real significant relationship that's lasted more than a few months. I don't know if it's because I'm fat or because it's just hard to meet men or because I spent so much of my life isolating because of depression. I just know that I don't know how to connect with men. I don't even have a lot of male friends. I find it difficult to bridge the distance.
I feel so afraid that men will reject me. There's this part of me that believes men could never find me attractive though I know there are men who do. I feel certain that they'll take one look at me naked and run for the hills. But even before I get to the stage where anyone would even think of seeing anyone else naked, I'm already pulling away. I start pulling away at hello!
I don't know. I'm rambling. The point is, I relate.
Rythm! I can totally relate, especially to feeling like the person I’m with is embarrassed by me. I think, for me, it stems from the fact that I’m kind of embarrassed by me. My lack of self confidence translates into a lack of belief that another person could be attracted to me. As far as the intimacy, I have no problem with doing the physical stuff…the basics (of course keeping as many clothes as on as possible), but when it comes to actually being really intimate…it violates all my boundaries and defenses and makes me feel extremely anxious and vulnerable. I’ve noticed this a lot lately…
You’re not alone.
Last edited by ThicknPretty; 02-02-2010 at 05:08 PM.
It's not that I'm happy there are others out there who are in the same position as me, but you are beautiful women and it reminds me of how illogical these thoughts are. Thank you for sharing.
i don't really have any advice to offer you but i wanted to let you know you're definitely not the only one.
my case is slightly different though. i like it, i want it...however, i always end up feeling as if my boyfriend would rather be with some who's.. well not as big as i am.
one minute he tells me i'm fine and he loves me..but then as soon as some skinny size 5 with big breasts shows up on TV his eyes are glued and i'm completely blocked out!
my mother keeps telling me 'just ignore it.. that's how guys are. he still loves you.' yeah, that may or may not be true..but as many times as i've explained to him how it makes me feel even MORE insecure than i already do, all i get out of him is him rolling his eyes and walking away from the conversation. ugh! when that happens.. sex is the -last- thing on my mind, for at least a few days after it happens.
Ok, I have some things to share, and I want to first say that all my comments are meant gently.
I do so relate to your feelings. I was a reasonably skinny -- or at least, merely buxom -- chick for most of my life and was comfortable with my body. I piled on the tonnage during my last marriage, to the most wonderful man in the world who died much too soon. After a lengthy period of mourning (with attendant celibacy), I have found myself back in the dating world -- only this time, as a fat chick. Yikes!! I have had many insecure moments of about it all, but.....
A couple of weeks ago, my absolutely buffed, should-be-a-male-model handyman worked very hard to seduce me. (He did a jaw-dropping, slow striptease in front of a flickering fire, and I won't soon forget it!) He's been working around my place for about 3 months... I'd offered to cook him dinner as a special thanks for all he'd done around here before he left town. We'd spent a lot of time chatting over tea and getting to know each other, but honestly, I was floored when this man made his feelings and intentions known that night. Looking at him... looking at me... it all seemed pretty incongruous. But here are some things I do know and understand about men:
1) They like nice women. Not necessarily skinny women. Looks really are NOT everything!
2) Never underestimate their ability to compartmentalize. They may not lust after every inch of you -- but they WILL find things they lust after. He will focus on your beautiful breasts, your pretty eyes, your intoxicating scent... he will not see the bits you are so worried about!
3) Men adore lusty women. Throw out that "spectatoring" mind-set -- that is, "watching" yourself through his eyes -- and just give yourself up to the wonderful pleasures that are being offered to you! Focus on HIM, focus on your own enjoyment... he will cherish you for it, and you will have a memorable time! Give him some things he's never experienced before, and believe me, he will want you as no other.
My handyman is now out of town for a month.. when he left, he said, "I'll call you." And he has. Morning and night. Can't get me out of his mind. Can't wait to get back. Believe me -- it's not about the body! It's about the connection. If you can focus on this, you will avail yourself of one of life's greatest gifts -- a fullfilling intimate life! I always try to remember, it's called "intimacy" for a reason. It's about what you may uniquely share with someone. What the parts look like is just not that important.
I wish for you all the joys of the bedroom (or the bear skin rug, or the kitchen table, or... you get the idea)!!!
Intimacy
. I can't believe the difference. I still have physical issues that make sex difficult sometimes (related to my size), but my desire is through the roof, for me anyway.
but i wanted to let you know you're definitely not the only one.
