The other night my husband and I were talking about our loses. For a long time he was way ahead of me but now I'm 2 pounds away from goal and he's still 20+. He's lost all his weight by just cutting out some things along with me but not really counting or working out and whatnot and we talked about how it might be time he start doing some of those things (he was asking for advice, I wasn't just attacking him).
He made a comment that really upset me. He told me that it's easy for me and he's been heavy is whole life so it's harder for him. This isn't exactly true, when he met me I wasn't that heavy but I've struggled with my weight my entire life.
But what really bothered me was the 'easy for you' comment. I've had something similar to this said to me before and it really bothers me. Yes, I have steadily lost this weight, yes I haven't really had any big gains or plateaus YET, etc but does that mean it's been easy, that I've just casually achieved those kinds of results without really trying?!? I can honestly say that I have NOT for one day for one instance since I really started buckling down NOT considered before I ate something, I have gotten up and worked out almost EVERY scheduled day (except for a couple colds and a couple little vacas where I even tried to keep as much exercise as possible in). Just because I've been able to do this does not mean it was easy! I've wanted to overeat and eat bad things just as much as anyone else dieting, I've wanted to stay in bed and not workout just as much as the next person and just because I didn't give in doesn't mean it was easy!! I've had to fight with myself every single step of the way!
Oh I just love going to bed early so I can get out of my warm bed at the butt crack of dawn and exercise. Oh I just love passing up birthday cake at somebody's party. Oh I just love stressing about eating out and trying to make it 'fit' into my calorie limits. It was so easy to give up all my 'old' favorites and totally rearrange my whole diet. It's great fun trying to fit exercise into my vacations and meal plan when there is no plan. But it's that important to me so I just do it.
UGH! I'm sorry for this rant, this is something that has really been bothering me and my husband saying that in addition to the other comments I have gotten just blew the top off. I have no one really to vent about this too so I came here, sorry. I'm so proud of myself and I just feel like all my hard work is being down played and it hurts a little.
Anyways, thanks to anyone who read that, sorry it was so long. I feel better for getting it off my chest.
Congrats on ALL your hard work! I know form experience that it really takes a life-style change (Lost 87, then gained it back) to make this work. When I have all of my pills, the weight just falls off of me too (with D&E, of course), but that doesn't mean it is not an effort. It doesn't mean that it is "easy." Just stick in there, keep encouraging your man, and tell the rest of them to stuff it!
Last edited by eratosthanes; 02-28-2010 at 02:57 PM.
Reason: typo
I know what you mean. Nothing about this is easy. I am tired of people saying that it is easy for me to cut things like bread and pasta out of my diet completely.
This is hard!! I don't care what anyone tells you, none of this is easy and I want someone to acknowledge that instead of downplaying all my effort!
Thank you both for commiserating. Sometimes we just need a little bit of that.
@BellaDiva: It's nice to know I'm not the only one getting those kinds of comments even though I'm sorry you're getting them too
Cutting our bread and pasta is a tremendous effort! Something I'm not sure I could do! I cut out dairy all together and that was hard enough, not sure if I could do without bread and pasta. Go you! Maybe we're just too good at making it look effortless? Or maybe we just don't complain enough so people think we have no problems? Who knows.
Edit: I posted this before your reply Jay. Good one, I'll have to remember that. I tried to explain to my husband that it's not easy but the other times (other people) it's one of those, mind goes blank and nothing I could say would be nice so I don't say anything at all kind of moments.
Probably he's feeling a little defensive. He may not even actually think it's easy for you, but he's embarrassed. Doesn't make it right, which is why I think Jay's response is great.
YOu are the same height as me, and started 23 pounds more than my highest ever weight. You had a lot to lose and I am so proud of you, I can hardly say.
I have no doubt that he is a little defensive and maybe embarrassed that he hasn't matched you to goal, but you are right to rant here and not fight with him about it.
You are a great inspiration, and it is GREAT for us to hear about how hard you have worked. I can think about it when I am at a birthday party not eating cake or working out etc. It was worth it for you, it will be worth it for me. Thanks for your rant.
A similar (but not so direct) thing happened to me on my birthday when I went out to sushi with my parents and they brought me a complimentary desert. I was staring at it and struggling so hard mentally because it looked amazing and the waitress who brought it was very sweet and seemed like she really wanted to make my birthday special. And then my mom made a comment about how she can't even imagine me wanting to eat something like that and how it is so easy for me to eat healthy, etc. And I almost broke down because it made me seem like my struggle was dumb.
I agree that DH probably just feels self conscious and doesn't really know how to express it, and he may really think it has been easy for you. I have a coworker who has said similar things to me in the past - she has been trying to lose for a long time and gone up and down, according to her I just decided to diet one day and a few months later had lost all the weight without trouble. DH may think the same thing - even if he sees the struggles you have he might not realize how mush effort they actually take.
I like Jay's response. Simple, does't start a fight, makes your point.
I remember one time someone said to me, "you're so lucky you lost the weight". Lucky? LUCKY? Did she just say LUCKY???? Sorry lady, luck has got nothing to do with this. Nothing!!!
I worked hard for each and every pound lost. The only thing that's lucky about this is that I don't believe in luck.
Then they'll be others that have said, "but you just have so much will power." Will power. WILL POWER?? Did she just say willpower? Ummm, no, this is not about will power, it's about WILLINGNESS. The willingness to give up that and eat this instead, to exercise, to shop, cook, prepare, plan, avoid temptation, make the right choices, and on and on. Will power? Feh.
And then I get the but look how quickly it came off - well yeah, after 20+ years, I FINALLY figured it out. Realized I didn't have to be fat if I didn't want to be. Look how fast it came off? It didn't COME off, I took the steps to MAKE it come off. Weight loss (or gain) just doesn't happen to a person, you have to go out there and MAKE it happen. It came off *fairly* quickly, because I put forth the continuous effort.
Oh that lovely shade of green-eyed monster.
MeowMix, sorry for taking your *rant* and running with it, but you really hit a chord with me!!!
Oh and congratulations on your weight loss. Your hard work has truly paid off.
Thank you all sooo much for your nice comments. It really has helped me sort of 'move on' from being upset about it.
My husband knows how hard I've been working and I think that's part of why it bothered me so much more when he said it. He's been my biggest supporter.
This thread really has helped, thank you all again so much. Sometimes I forget that this is one place I can come (with people who really understand) and let it all out instead of bottling up my frustrations.
I think people who have never really stuck to a structured weight loss plan truly don't understand how hard it is. They see you get smaller, but they don't hear the internal monologue that threatens to drive you crazy. They don't hear that little voice whispering that it's okay to forget the diet for just one meal and you'll get back on it first thing tomorrow, over and over, every day for months on end.
Down playing (Rant warning)
