Hi Ladies, I've belonged to this site for a while but am just now starting to get active. I've lost about 30 pounds and have about 15-20 to go. As I'm getting smaller, my husband is becoming more and more cranky about my weight loss. He doesn't like my new-found confidence, and snaps at me when I talk too much about it. Hey, I'm exited, I finally found something that works for me but I can't tell him, "I fit into size 10 pants today!" without him going, "IS THIS ALL YOU'RE EVER GOING TO TALK ABOUT?"
I just don't know what to make of it. We have a lot of stress in our marriage to begin with and I'm wondering if this is the start of the end. He does not like that I'm turning heads and gets suspicious with me now that I'm confident and starting to dress nice and do my hair and makeup.
I was wondering if he was afraid I'd no longer be interested in him once I got thinner, and tried to make it clear to him that I wasn't going anywhere. HOWEVER, if he's going to remain this way and not give me the support I need, then what's the point?
When I daydreamed about losing weight, the last thing that ever occurred to me was that my husband would become a problem!
Sorry for the novel. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.
I'm in a sort of similar position. It's not that my boyfriend doesn't like my weight loss, he's actually very supportive, but I can tell he gets annoyed when I talk about it too much. I think he thinks I'm a little obsessed with it. I admit that when I'm losing weight/trying to lead a healthier lifestyle, between planning/cooking healthy meals, finding time to exercise, reading forums like this one to help stay motivated, celebrating my successes and venting my failures, it does become a pretty prominent part of my life and I do talk about it a lot. He's the person that I trust and confide in most, so he hears the most about it.
I don't know if your husband's reasoning could be the same, maybe you just need to talk a bit less about it to him and find support in a good friend or family member, or on the boards/a weight loss blog.
What stood out to me is that you said there was already stress in the marriage. Men can kind of be self-centered (or at least any one I've ever known can be, lol). Maybe refer to your weight loss as something thats for him too.
For example: When I lose weight I say something to my boyfriend like: "I'm just so excited that you can be proud to be seen with me." It makes my boyfriend a little more supportive of my weight loss because he's under the impression that he was a motivation for it. Maybe he just feels insecure because your looking so hot and turning those heads! You go girl! But comments like that will make him feel as if he's lucky that your turning heads. Case in point: relate any success back to a guy and they'll dig it.
You can also remind him that you've worked very hard for this and you're really proud of yourself, and are a little sad that he's not as proud or impressed with youR achievements as you had hoped. Of course this isn't all your ever going to talk about, but you certainly are while you're in the process and then learning to maintain. My first thought was "How selfish of him!" whatever. You know we're all so proud of you and admire your commitment and hard work, and we definitely want to hear when you can fit into size 10 pants! Hooray for you!
You know, people around us really do get tired of hearing about weight loss all the time, and not just men. Maybe simply don't talk about it so much. You can always come to 3FC and get lots of cheers for your efforts.
I didnt want to talk too much about it because I`m well aware that my husband does not like vanity.
So I said nothing and just kept working at it, even though often I wanted to share. I just referred to it when he was asking questions etc. Since I have changed my wardrobe he`s however thrilled to see the difference, and it is *him* who says allt het ime, to the point that I sometimes feel embarrassed about talking about my own looks all the time!
Maybe he is indeed a bit anxious that you may become more attractive to the competition (other men). Is he overweight by any chance?
When you're on this site a lot, it's easy to forget that other peoples' weight loss is simply not a very interesting subject.
I think you're just enthusiastic about a new project & a subject you've learned a lot about. But as we've said very often here, the borderline between dedication & obsession can be difficult to draw.
I can tell you exactly where the line is for me because, years ago, I lost a lot of weight & developed an eating disorder. One symptom of that disorder was my obsessiveness on the topic. It consumed my life, it took up a great deal of thought & effort & it was nearly my only topic of conversation. Put it simply, it made me difficult to be around. I lost some friends, and in retrospect, I don't blame them: I was a single-minded bore when it came to the subject of food, eating & exercising. I'm surprised at the number of people who stuck through it. In retrospect, they just refer to it as a time when I went crazy. At the time, though, I was oblivious to my single-mindedness (except for feeling exhausted at times over how all-consuming it was) & did not know it had such a repellent effect socially.
This time around, I keep the whole thing very quiet unless someone else raises the subject. (They did a lot in the beginning but they don't so much now as they've gotten used to the sight of me.) If I want to talk about it, I come to 3FC or I bring it up in therapy, to hash out whether I'm drifting into the danger zone again.
One thing I've discovered, which may be interesting: When my life is very full of other interests, I mean comfortably full, not stressfully full, I continue to execute all the right behaviors of eating healthily & keeping my weight down, but I think about it less & am less liable to talk about it. People who hang out with me are going to hear about the play I saw in Boston, the movie I'm planning to see this week, the article I read last night, the kids I saw playing in the snow the other day. When I turn outward, toward my experience & observations of the larger world -- rather than inward, overly focused on what I weigh, what I eat & how I exercise -- it's a sign my life is in balance. And people respond to that.
Lots of good advice here...I agree that we tend to obsess when we're doing well. (I have the opposite problem in that I have tried so many "diets" that I didn't tell ANYONE this time because I didn't want them to roll their eyes and say, "Okay. Sure. Good luck for the 6,555th time."
May I also suggest that you pursue marriage counseling NOW instead of later? If your husband doesn't want to go with you, go by yourself. If you think you can't afford it, look into your employer's (or your husband's employer's) Employee Assistance Program.
Thanks girls, you've given some amazing advice. I admit in the beginning I talked about it, A LOT. I've since used this board for expressing my excitement. I just feel sad sometimes that I'm there for him for so many things and he can't be happy for me. And yes, he is a bit overweight so I guess he's just jealous.
Saef... what you said about your life in balance clicks for me... I've been a SAHM for the past 2 years and my child was a surprise right after I graduated college. So hubby and I went directly into roles I know I was not ready for, and I've been unhappy since. Don't get me wrong, my baby is the best thing that ever happened to me, but I went from graduating top of my class to changing diapers and it was shocking to me. I've recently got back into the work force (I'm an art educator) and notice that my life is shifting towards that balance you were talking about.
I may seek the marriage counseling, hubby would never in a million years go, however, I have my moments where I think, "I'm stuck in this for how many more years?" which I know is unhealthy.
My hubby has asked me twice in the last month or so if I was having an affair.
I don't know why, but with my recent loss of 15 lbs, I've been happier, more positive, more amorous , feeling more confident. I think he's intimidated by it. (We've been together for 25 yrs.) I asked him the other night about why he was giving me mixed signals--one minute he's telling me I'm hot and the next minute he's saying he misses me being chubby. He said "I don't expect my wife to change". It reminded me of a quote that I heard once about marriage "women marry men hoping that they'll change, men marry women hoping that they won't change." I think maybe men just have a hard time when something that they are used to changes to something unfamiliar-???
I don't know. Sounds like you are kind of questioning if you want to stay married. Sometimes, I have thought about that too. But, I think about my kids. I made a commitment to them, when I had them, to give them a loving home life and I'm gonna stick to it.
First off, congratulations. This is amazing. You and I are about the same height. Although I was heavier than you when I began, I can identify closely with your new feelings. Like you I also daydreamed about the weightloss. Like you, I also experienced some insecurity issues (yes, that IS what they are) coming from my husband. It has gotten much better with time.
I have found some things he really like though. When I was really large I was hesitant to languish on him or be too affectionate in public--now he loves it when I do it. Also, I make sure I save my most "milfy" (lol) looks for when I am with him. Also, if you get my drift, he has plenty of constant reassurance that he is the man for me--there is and will be no other. ETA: I am also QUICK to point out his strong points and when I notice women noticing HIM. I tell him why women like him--why his is so appealing for society-- and have even told him that I worry someone else will take his eyes off me.
I must tell you. KEEP GOING with your weightloss. It sounds like you are in the zone and have found something that is working for you and that you are happy with. It's a good thing my hubby came around on being insecure. Believe me when I tell you I was going to let NOTHING AND NO ONE come between me and what I wanted. If you feel you need to, explain to your husband that you have these dreams of being fit and beautiful and strong. Tell him how important it is to YOU. Hopefully, he will also jump on the bandwagon.
Last edited by Thighs Be Gone; 02-11-2010 at 09:21 AM.
I really think it's pretty common for spouses/significant others to develop some sort of insecurities when the other is going through some sort of transformation. I know that you are not "looking", but MOST affairs begin (or coincide) with a transformation...Know what I mean? It's the "first sign" according to experts. Matter of fact, I know several "cheaters" and the very first thing they ALL did was lose weight. So, I guess my point is, I can see why your hubby is nervous.
I've been married for almost 21 years to the same wonderful man, but over the years when I have gotten to a certain point in my weight he has gotten nervous, almost accusatory. This time I just had to be firm and lay it on the line. I was bold and blunt and told him how it was going to be. "You either support me in this, or I'm leaving....I'm doing this for my health and our family, not for a damn man...I have one and one is enough! I can't take the jealousy, and I won't take it anymore." Something in him clicked, and he has been a real sweetheart this time around. (He even brings me flowers at least once a month...something he NEVER did before!). Although I'm a lot older than last time, so heads don't turn like they once did, maybe that is why things are better!
I come here to talk about most weight issues, that helps a lot. I try not to talk about it much to friends and family unless they ask. Although I do give a weekly report to hubs and sons.
I may seek the marriage counseling, hubby would never in a million years go, however, I have my moments where I think, "I'm stuck in this for how many more years?" which I know is unhealthy.
IMO, the weight loss strife is a symptom then and not the problem. If it wasn't weight loss, it would be something else. Good luck.
You either support me in this, or I'm leaving....I'm doing this for my health and our family, not for a damn man...I have one and one is enough! I can't take the jealousy, and I won't take it anymore. Something in him clicked, and he has been a real sweetheart
I come here to talk about most weight issues, that helps a lot. I try not to talk about it much to friends and family unless they ask. Although I do give a weekly report to hubs and sons.
Yes, me too!
Also, it sounds like your talk went like mine did.
Sounds like he's feeling insecure... When I lost weight in the past my boyfriend at the time got very possessive and insecure. He even said something to me about how 'I wouldn't want him anymore' and such.
Husband doesn't like my weight loss
Maybe simply don't talk about it so much. You can always come to 3FC and get lots of cheers for your efforts.
