Hi everyone! I’m a 22 year old college student in Texas who has struggled with my weight all my life. Its under control now, but I’m very concerned about my mother. She has been overweight since having kids in the 80s and is now very morbidly obese. She has been for a really long time. As she is getting older, her health is getting worse and everyday life is just hard. Everything is difficult – walking, standing, etc. Everyone in my home has to do pretty much everything for her. My brother and I have talked to her over and over and over about losing weight and about tour worries and concerns and how much we want her to get better. She always says she knows and that she wants to do it, but it never materializes. Every time she tries, she ends up failing and giving up. After so many failures, its like she has resigned herself to staying where she is and living the rest of her life in misery. She doesn’t want to go to the doctor because shes ashamed of how she is. She doesn’t like going into public because of people looking at her and stuff. I just don’t know what to do for her. This is eating away at me. I’ve been having dreams about her dying or me crying and begging her to get better so that she won’t die. I don’t know what I’m asking for – maybe just advice on how to get her motivated or something. Or maybe I just need to get it out. I don’t really like talking about it with friends because they don’t understand how difficult weight stuff can be. Its not just about eating less, there are so many more emotional issues under it all. I understand that from the place where my mom is, she probably looks at the road ahead and thinks that it is impossible, but I know that it is possible and that she is completely capable of doing it. I guess that’s all. Thanks for listening!
As an older person, I just want to tell you first of all that of course you are worried, and that's because you care about her. Good for you!
The best way to help her right now would be to keep encouraging her to see a doctor, AND, make yourself available to help her make the appointment and take her to the appointment, and be with her during the appointment if she feels comfortable with that. If she does have health issues, it's very important that she be seen.
The next thing I want to tell you is that you don't want to become the gung-ho daughter who is going to fix mom. There is a fine line here between helping and pushing, and it's especially touchy between parents and adult children. If you think you can walk that fine line, and can be more her friend than her caretaker, then that's good.
She will need encouragement in all of this, and you can help--but don't put her in a position where she will think she's in danger of failing your expectations as well as everyone else's.
Hi...
I can relate so much to the fear of losing a parent. I'm going to just jump in with my two cents...I am not a medical professional.. but from what you shared about your mom it really sounds to me like she is depressed, the empathy, and not seeing a positive future, feeling like she can't do it... in my opinion are hallmark signs of depression. Depression is insidious and especially with a close knit family it can be present and go undiagnosed... I am certainly not in favor of medications for everything. But based on personal experience it could be a start as you mentioned emotional issues.. Perhaps with some research on depression, an appt with a conservative psychiatrist your mom could move through some of this.. I wish you the best, you sound like a wonderful daughter and your mom is lucky to have you...
If you do decide to research I do recommend staying away from the pharmaceutical sites as it their business to sell drugs, consider going to the professional sites like Mayo Clinic etc.
And - does she have a computer? Can you share 3FC with her? If she is dieting and failing, she could benefit from hanging around here. Having someone to talk to that understand is soooo helpful! And the chickies here are the BEST!
How does she get food? Does she call for delivery or does she go out and do her own shopping? If family members are in charge of shopping then refusal to buy junk food is the first step in your recovery as a co-dependant. As long as she has people who will feed her, she'll continue to eat...
Sometimes tough love is the only way to get a point across. Please keep us posted.
I have a cousin who also feels the same way as your mom dalavr. We are also having difficulty persuading her that life is still beautiful no matter what the size of her pants is. Any motivation guys that you can give will be appreciated.
Thanks so much for your responses! Yeah, she is really depressed. She was on medicine that was helping with it, but for some reason stopped it (can't remember why). Actually, when she was on the medicine she lost a good bit of weight. She has said that she wants to get back on it, but, again, she doesn't want to go to the doctor. She would most def. benifit from seeing a counselor or something. And yes, sadly, my family is full of enablers big time. The only way she can be successful is if we are all committed to doing what we can to help her, like keeping cruddy foods out of the house and such. I'm just going to keep trying to be encouraging and supportive, especially about going back to the doctor! Thanks again for your words! - Dala
I don't know how much time you actually have to devote, but perhaps if you told her that you would cook healthy, delicious meals for her? If you could make meals and put them in tupperware to freeze or keep in the fridge, it would be really easy for her to pop one in the microwave whenever she gets hungry. Are you a good cook? haha.
Other than actually taking the physical steps to sort of "force" (in the gentlest sense of the word) her to make changes, I think the best thing you can do is be there for her, and as Jay said, make yourself available to take her to the doctor when she decides it is the time to go.
But if you're experienced in nutritious food, perhaps you could show her healthier foods without necessarily emphasizing that they're healthier? maybe if these things are made more readily available to her, she will find it easier to get started on this long, difficult journey.
You know, I struggle with this with family members. And while I know I can't nag them into submission, I make sure I -offer- healthy things constantly. Obviously there are mobility limitations with your mom, so all of my examples don't apply, but...
I always offer to cook. I'm -really- good (if I do say so myself) at making healthy dishes that taste like just plain old delicious food. So I always offer to cook. And I always put particular care into making the veggies and lower-cal things delicious. For example, I'll roast asparagus and top it with a quick gremolata of lemon zest, salt and pepper, garlic, and chopped parsley. And lo and behold, even the meat and potato types are taking seconds of asparagus instead of the garlic mashed potatoes. For celebrations, I offer to make dessert, and do a quick angel food cake with berries or something equally light, and often sugar free.
Whenever I'm with those people, I will go for a walk or hike. And I ALWAYS offer it up as a suggestion to the other person. Not "You should really walk with me" or "Let's go for a walk together". Just..."Hey, I'm going for a walk, want to come?" Sometimes they come and sometimes they don't. But at least the offer is there and available.
I've found that making a BIG deal (Here, I'm coming to cook you some vegetables and you have to eat them so you can get healthy!) does not work. But just saying "Hey, I'd like to come over for dinner...I'll cook!" and then making something healthy works well. So well, in fact, that my family asked me to make them a recipe book, and they use it now.
I'm not sure if this will help, but I can share the experience I've had with my mother. She is in her upper 70's, on a lot of medication, and has struggled with her weight all of her life. 18 months ago she was over 200 pounds and convinced that she could not lose weight. Her doctor had made a comment to the effect that it would be difficult for her to lose with the meds she was on, and she internalized that as "can't lose". I was very concerned because I saw her mobility decline dramatically, and it was limiting her life in every way.
I had just reached my 40 pound weight loss goal, when her and my dad came down for their annual winter visit. My mom just ate like I did, and got outside and walked a little bit in our warmer weather, and actually lost several pounds during her two week stay. It was like a light bulb went off -- she realized she could actually DO it! Her previous diet plans had always been meal replacement (like, slim fast shakes) or extreme restriction diets, and she would lose weight only to regain it as soon as she went off the diet. But my diet plan was just -- lots of lean protein and veggies, very little refined carbs, healthy complex carbs and small amounts of healthy fats. That, and lots of exercise. It was a completely different mindset, a healthy lifestyle plan, rather than a temporary "diet".
She went back home determined to try again, and we started "weighing-in" every Friday via email. We encouraged each other and shared tips, and bottom line, in 2008 she lost 70 pounds, and is now a trim and active 135. We are now sharing the joys and trials of maintenance. Both of my sisters have joined the Friday "weight watchers" email group and are working toward their own goals. We have become our own support and accountability group.
I don't know that you can do much until she is ready to make a change and believes that she can actually do it. You can encourage, and model the proper behaviors, but she has to be the one to decide to change her lifestyle. And if she is suffering from depression, I'm sure it all feels hopeless to her. Perhaps if she will go the doctor and get back on the medication, she will feel like change is possible again.
But, please do tell her that my 77 year old mom, on medications, with a lifetime of weight issues, did successfully lose weight AND has kept it off for 6 months now. It IS possible. And she is SO much happier now, and more mobile, and healthier, and I pray she will live longer too as a result.
But, please do tell her that my 77 year old mom, on medications, with a lifetime of weight issues, did successfully lose weight AND has kept it off for 6 months now. It IS possible. And she is SO much happier now, and more mobile, and healthier, and I pray she will live longer too as a result.
That's so awesome! Your mom is totally my inspiration for the day; if someone 55 years older than me can do it, I certainly can too! Just wondering, has she been able to go off of any of her meds since the weight loss?
Just wondering, has she been able to go off of any of her meds since the weight loss?
She was able to go off of cholesterol meds and reduce her arthritis meds. Most of her other meds are psychiatric to manage bipolar disorder, so she can't go off of them entirely, but they did need to be adjusted this year.
The biggest change, I think, is in her ability to just move around. Before, she had to lever herself out of the chair, had difficulty climbing stairs, and walked slowly - extended walking was out of the question. She avoided going places that involved much walking. Now, she walks briskly for at least 30 minutes per day (even jogs a little) and recently bought a bicycle!! It has made a tremendous difference in the quality of her daily life, IMO. She's more willing to go out and do things, because it just isn't so hard.
It was a long process to lose all that weight, nearly a year. It wasn't easy, and it still isn't easy, but if she can do it, truly just about anyone can.
mandalinn--you sound like an excellent cook! I hope I can learn to make healthy, delicious foods.
MBN--what an inspiration. your mother and your sisters are so lucky to have you as a good example and motivator for healthy living. I don't have anyone in my day-to-day life that is making an attempt to lose weight, so mostly I'm at it on my own (save the fantastic chicks here of course) and I imagine it must be so much easier to have someone who's been there/done that to encourage and lead.
Worrying about my mom
There is a fine line here between helping and pushing, and it's especially touchy between parents and adult children. If you think you can walk that fine line, and can be more her friend than her caretaker, then that's good. 
Just wondering, has she been able to go off of any of her meds since the weight loss?
