[Windchime]

I am typing and erasing here, because I wrote a bunch of stuff then realized that it's way too personal and specific, so I'll try to make it a little more general.

I have a family member who, like me, has been struggling with some extra weight. Not a ton, maybe 30-40 pounds. Enough that would make a difference on her medium-sized frame. She's not nearly as tall as me so it would really make a difference. She is very well aware of this and we talk about it when she brings it up. She's very discouraged. She knows how to lose because she has done it before, but she is under a crushing load of critical comments from her mother and her spouse. Her spouse is especially critical, saying things like, "You say you want to lose weight, but you're not willing to do the work!" and "Oh, I see you bought another book about weight loss" in a sarcastic tone. Her job is very rewarding, but also very busy and stressfull. She is a really kind-hearted person who always sees the positive side of things and offers encouragement to people who are down.

What can I do? She doesn't need tips or suggestions from me; she needs acceptance and encouragement and that's what I've been doing my best to provide. But is that enough to counter-balance the caustic, careless, hurtful comments that others are aiming at her?

Why do people think these kinds of comments help? DO they they they will help, or are they simply being mean? Do people really think this kind of criticism is going to motivate someone?

[bindersbee]

Perhaps they see it as an easy target for letting out their own frustrations? Perhaps somewhere inside her she believes what they say and is willing to allow herself to be treated in such a way? Low self-esteem must be involved because otherwise she wouldn't tolerate it.

Your approach to trying to help her by building her up is about all you can do. The first part of the word 'self esteem' is self. No one can give it to her if she lacks it and no one can take it from her unless she gives it away.

I don't know why people who claim to love other people make those kinds of remarks thinking they'll be motivational. No one is ever motivated by the 'you suck, prove me wrong' approach. We always do better when we feel we are already successful and with just a little more effort, we could be/do even more.

[JulieJ08]

I think it would be very hard to watch someone you care about suffer like that when you can't fix it, and of course you can't. But she is lucky to have you as at least one respite from the mean people.

[Thighs Be Gone]

I agree with Julie. I am glad you are at least there for her. No, those comments never make someone lose weight. If anything, it has the opposite effect. When she says she wants to lose weight the best thing (IMO) her hubby could reply with is, "I will support you in any way I can." That's what my hubby said to me before I started my journey. It really has helped knowing he was so supportive of me and my new lifestyle. It even helped knowing he would be there before I even started. In fact--last night--he even ate the SHIRATAKE noodles! LOL.

[Onmyway]

I agree, she is lucky to have you on her side. Unless someone has been overweight, they will never know how hard it is to lose weight. I don't think you will change those that are saying mean things, rather be there for your friend to offer support and encouragement. Do you live nearby? Maybe you can offer to walk together or take an exercise class together. Ultimately she will have to do this for herself, not you, not her husband, not her mother.

[p7eggyc]

I think PP's hit it on the head but I did want to suggest that maybe you could be a resource for helping her figure out how to talk to her husband and mother. Maybe you could allow her to role play a conversation with one or both where she lets them know how painful those remarks are and what she needs from them (ie: I'll do whatever I can to support you, celebrating smaller victories, keeping trigger foods out of the house, whatever she might decide she needs). Maybe even raising the idea that she can ask for what she wants. I have a good friend who doesn't set very good boundaries and I do try to be the voice who says "You know, you could say no". She doesn't very often but I keep hoping that she will. It's not a big lecture or anything, just when she complains about things she doesn't have to do, I mention it.

I also think that sometimes weight loss in its early stages can be a private, personal thing. Maybe she can try to make some baby step changes. If she has been making sweeping, wholesale changes, maybe even spending lots of money or time or other resources, and then very quickly falling away from it, that can be very frustrating to those around us as well as defeating for us. Also, we often do a lot of whining before we actually get in action and those closest to us often can't take as much as we can dish out.

Peg

eta: I don't want anyone to think I believe it is ok to be harshly critical or say rude things to our family members. I'm just trying to offer a little perspective on why they might be reacting, not condoning the way they've been doing it.

[Lori Bell]

Okay, you say she is a family member, and her family is giving her grief...so they must also be your family in a round about way. I heard my brother once give his wife a hard time about gaining weight and I ripped him a new one. He never again gave her lip. Maybe you should just butt in and say something to the offenders....like, "shut the F-up you a-hole...you think you are helping?" They are family, they can't hate you forever!

[Lori259]

WAY TO GO LORI BELL!~MY HERO! hahahaha
I agree~My mother is my pain in My BUTT
Yesterday I told her I was wearing a size 14 and she said " Lori Ann There aint No dang Way your in a 14 I wanna shop at the store your shopping at."
And its because she is larger~And has gained some weight back while I am losing and she is back in a size 18/20 and hasn't been in a 14 since she was a kid~I even share how I lose weight with her to help her and she says I am lying.
She never encourages me and so I agree With Lori Bell~Tell them off for her.
I told my mother off yesterday And feel great~I am actually kinda happy the butthole is jealous! She has never been supportive of anything I do and some people are just that way.All I hear usually is "When your sister lost weight she was so beautiful."(THERE BOTH A~HOLES!)Always against anything I do~but me losing weight is driving them both nuts.
You are a great friend/family member by the way and I THINK YOU WILL HELP THIS PERSON MORE THAN YOU KNOW!
BRAVO FOR YOU!

[bargoo]

I don't know why it is but some people just feel compelled to make unwanted and rude comments about us when we are trying to improve our health. I'll give them the benefit of doubt and say that they just don't realize that they are doing more harm than good. Maybe having a private talk with them will help. They may have the mistaken idea that they are helping. We know that is not true. If they cannot be supportive then they should just shut up.

[sarahyu]

I jumped in one time at church at a potluck dinner, an older man said to a 12 year old "you're getting fat, stop eating so much" she wasn't even fat.

I laid in to him so loud and long about eating disorders start at this age because of stupid thoughtless comments like his, he had no business making a comment like that to that child or anyone for that matter. He tried to say he was just teasing her and I told him that it wasn't teasing, he was being mean and a bully. It was none of his business what anyone weighed and he needed to keep his mouth shut about the topic.

Several people afterwards thanked me because he'd been making fat comments to a lot of women and girls but they didn't want to make a big deal out of it because he was an older member of the church and didn't want to offend him. Please, that only goes so far as soon as a child is involved everything goes out the window.

As soon as a loved one is involved, it's time to jump in like Lori said. Family can only hate you for so long and it sounds like these 2 need a swift kick to knock some sense into them.

Good luck
Sarah in MD

[Niecy]

LOL! Lori Bell...Yeah, that is one way of handling it, hehe.

Lori Ann, how utterly disrespectful and mean that was of your mother! I call my mom EVERY morning with a progress report, even if it is a measley 1/4 of a pound, haha and she says "Well good" or something along those lines. I can't imagine if my mother disregarded everything I was saying as a lie and in such a demeaning way. She has diabetes and she knows to some degree how these things can affect your weight when you are doing all the right things. BUT, in situations like yours, living well IS the best revenge I am glad you have learned to tune her out to some degree and keep going.

My Dad, on the other hand, does this to both me and my mother, especially. He comes down pretty hard on her about her weight. I even tell her, if that were my husband, I would knock him into next year and that she can take him, he is only about 140 lbs., LOL. My brother, who has also always been almost tragically underweight his entire life, also inherited this "I think I am cute and witty" comment style but when they are called out on it, we get the old "I am JUST joking" line.

So I tell them both to shut up and go enter the Mr. Puny-verse contest or something if they want are out to just make themselves feel good, haha.

[Mayhem]

Have you ever thought about taking her with you to workout, or inviting her for a walk? More time you spend with her, while working out, maybe she will learn how to excersise without the comments!

[Peep Smith]

Hey Windchime, you've got some good advice here. I would probably do what LoriBell suggests and chow down, but you know best how to reach your family. Comments aimed at pulling others down are usually the result of deep-seated insecurity on the part of the insulter. Insulting someone makes them feel better about their own deficiencies. Just be there for her and do your best to help her cope with the insecurity around her.

[TamiL]

Our families can be the most judgmental people in our lives, but only if we let them! I have the opposite problem here. When I weighed 190 nobody seemed to care. Now that I have lost over 50 lbs, all of a sudden I am starving myself and will look like an anorexic soon---mom always plays this one with me. I used to get upset about this but now that I'm in my forties I just smile and say "Atleast I 'll be one hot anorexic chic now!"

[glutio]

I feel so fortunate to have a supportive husband and family members, some of them at least. My nearest and dearest have never been so rude about my trying to lose weight but they have been awful about calling me overweight.

My dad's mother has had weight issues for most of her 93 years. She's a been loose in the brain these days, but I am emotionally incapable of visiting her now because every time I've been to see her in the last 5 years, she winds up calling me fat. After she broke me down, she'd turn to my husband and ask how he likes how I've "changed" and why he hasn't stopped me from eating or something. I usually have to leave the room while he tells her he loves me just the way I am however that may be and says goodbye. I'm usually an emotional wreck for weeks, and I've decided to stop seeing her. I went through everything with trying to tell her to knock it off, that I've been working on things, all of that stuff, but she has no memory of it come the next time I'd visit and it would be the same thing all over again.

Your family member needs someone like you around, someone who will compliment her, encourage her, listen to her struggles and her triumphs. Be there for her, help build up her confidence, and if you can, encourage her to stand up to her husband and her mother. All she should have to do is tell them once that she doesn't appreciate the comments, she's not a child, and they need to either not mention her weight or support her efforts, whether or not she struggles through this journey. And if that doesn't work, listen to Lori Bell!!