What he won't eat is killing me...
 

Is there someone around here who's had a hard time seeing eye to eye with your mate when it comes to food? This is the problem I'm having with my guy Ryan. He acknowledged that we both need to make changes in our diet and exercise. I don't think he realized those changes would have to be drastic. When I tell him he'll need to give up fried food or start eating veggies or lose more than 50lbs he acts like I'm the one who's crazy. It is so frustrating!!! I feel a serious headache coming on.

Here's the sitch...

Ryan is 6'2'' and weighs 280lbs, he has to drop about 60 lbs (in my opinion.) He refuses to weigh any less than 235, as if the added bulk makes him more of a man or something. He has this crazy notion that he's just as healthy as the young athlete he used to be. But he is not, and it's apparent he's more than a little fluffy around the edges. He doesn't realize he's let himself go. I am concerned for his health- there are a lot of weight related complications in his family.

If that wasn't enough he is an extremely picky eater. He pretty much refuses to eat anything good for him. His favorite food groups are MEAT, STARCHES, SUGARS, and anything FRIED. I will concede that he will eat mushrooms (especially if they're fried) and canned peas. He is willing to eat corn, raw carrots and canned string beans. And that's as far as he'll venture into the world of veggies.

The one thing he is strong in is exercise. Theoretically that is. We have a gym and he definitely has the upper hand when it comes to working out. I know I can learn a lot from him in this area and I'm excited that it's something we can do together.

Now about me...

I know I've let myself go. I love food. All food. Especially vegetables! I could go completely vegetarian if I wanted to. I haven't eaten beef or pork for more than 12 years. I won't eat shrimp or crab or the like- fondly referring to those as the "Bugs of the Sea." <ick> But everything else, I'm all in. I have no reservations about giving anything up if it will make me healthy. I want to reach all my goals. My goal weight is 135, which I think is reasonable.

I'm just having trouble finding the middle ground with Ryan. Our goals are very different. The way we eat is very different. Our activity levels are very different. It's so hard and I fear that this will prevent us from being successful.

Can anyone out there please tell me the ways you have overcome these types of challenges? I refuse to fail this time.

The thing is ... the only person you can control is YOU. He's going to have to find his own goals, his own journey, and his own way. You are going to have to find yours. And you cannot base YOUR success on HIS.

I know it's hard. But that's the plain and honest truth of it.

I told my husband that I was going to start cooking and eating healthy meals. He had the choice to join me, or to make his own food, but I was no longer buying or bringing unhealthy meals into our home. That doesn't mean I'm a food **** about it - I've figured out ways to make some of his favorite foods a little healthier. We still have burgers on the grill. We still make homemade pizza (he gets the pepperoni and I put all veggies on mine). We still make a big pot of chili for football Sundays (he tops his with shredded cheese and eats a sleeve of crackers with his and I don't).

I go to the gym. He doesn't. I cook dinner and he has the choice of eating what I fix or fixing his own. About 60% of the time he fixes his own.

That's really all you can do. Express your concern and love, let him know that you'll support him however you can, but don't base your success on him and don't try to force him to do something he doesn't want to. Because neither of those will work.

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In the early years of our relationship, my husband and I were terrible influences on each other. With him I ate more crap, and with me he became less active.

We're both on weight loss journeys, but we've learned that they have to be separate journeys. He's not interested in eating the way I want to, and I can't eat the way he does and lose weight. Even for exercise, we're both now on disability for pain and joint problems that affect our ability to be active, but it affects us differently. We can't wait until both of us are able and willing to exercise, we each have to do what we can, when we can (and if it coincides that's great).

As for meals, we do a lot of "fend for yourself" eating. Hubby relies more on frozen dinners than I do. I like to keep salad fixing's and easy protein snacks handy. I use the crock pot alot, and then it's a serve yourself, find your own sides kind of thing as well. I usually make several veggies for myself (which hubby is welcome to, but he often passes) and he usually makes some sort of potato or pasta (which I'm welcome to, but usually pass on).

I can't make him eat the way I want him to, and I can't blame what I eat on him. It was hard at first, to see the high carb snacks around the house (he's at least switched from very fatty chips to not quite as fatty crackers), but it's getting more and more manageable as I consider those foods "his food" and mentally off-limits to me.

I think if we had tried to find a middle-ground where we were eating alike, we both would have failed. Compromise isn't the solution for everyone. For us, going our own separate (weight loss) ways has worked alot better.

Have you researched a couple of eating plans to see if there's one you can agree to?

I think you could plan meals around a meat (lean beef, chicken, fish, lean pork), one of the vegetables he'll eat and at least one other vegetable you like. This will give you some variety in vegetables and maybe start introducing him to some vegetables he may find he likes. You can include a whole grain side (brown rice, whole wheat bread or pasta, etc.) You could eat a smaller portion of the meat and grains than he does for his size vs. yours.

Also, I think everyone's goal weight is their own to set. I wouldn't want anyone except my doctor setting my goal weight, especially if they wanted to set it somewhere I disagree with. Even then I would expect it to be a collaborative discussion with research information. So I'd recommend you let go of his goal. Once he starts finding he can lose weight with better eating, he may reset his goal himself.

Also if he's not ready for drastic changes, why not make changes slowly - one thing at a time. Some of the folks who are successfully maintaining long term losses started with one small change at a time. Drastic vs. small changes is a choice not a mandate.

Start Cooking! I recently stopped eating meat and dairy products and started eating healthy...alot of fruit and veggies, and my husband did not want to do the same. So I still buy meat and junk food for him, since I don't think it's fair to make him fend for himself (I'm a stay-at-home-mom). Anyway, I started cooking things for myself from a vegetarian cookbook, and he ALWAYS ends up skipping the hamburger helper (or burgers & chips or whatever) after tasting mine and liking it better... people don't THINK they are going to enjoy healthy food as much as fattening food. But when it's put in front of them, many times people will surprise you. I make alot of soups and salads, etc. And there's also alot of options where he'll never know the difference. Make small changes like lowfat milk instead of whole or wheat bread/pasta/rice instead of white, etc. He won't taste a difference, but you'll see one! xoxoxo

My boyfriend has been slowly gaining weight the past couple years (he's 6'5, so it takes awhile for it to show) I tried talking to him about but he either got hurt or annoyed.

I decided to just focus on me instead of worrying about him. I've lost over 20 pounds and he's been really impressed with both my acomplishment and how I look :D Since then I've noticed some deffinite changes..he's been walking places more, he goes to sleep earlier so he has more energy during the day, and he even gets salads and wraps when he get food! He used to eat a large
whole pizza by himself :dizzy:

I don't know if he cares about being healthy or if he's just jealous I'm looking better and guys are hitting on me more ;) But whatever it is, he's been doing great.

A lot of times guys too are used to hearing about us complaining that we're fat and never doing anything about it. I think it helps if we show we're actually serious about it so it doesn't seem like another crazy girl thing.

As I change, my husbands evolves with me. Of course, I make things he likes. I don't eat low fat, nor do I avoid meat or carbs. My goal is healthy, non-processed, no msg, food - and he can deal with that. I make vegetables in a way he likes and I find the ones he prefers. He hasn't been all that stubborn about changing. He actually thanks me often for taking care of him. That being said...if your bf doesnt want to be so willing, you can't make him. Sad but true.

I'm also in the camp of having gone separate ways. At first I was alone in my goal of losing weight. Once I made significant progress, hubby started his own journey. At this point, we sometimes eat the same dinner, or parts of it, but we used to almost always eat entirely different foods.

We also generally do our own thing for exercise, but we've started to walk/hike together on the weekends (but I consider that "bonus" -- not part of my exercise plan).

BTW -- just this last week my husband started logging his food!!! Woohoo -- I've never seen him do that, though he has at times lost some weight. Maybe he can take it a step further.

At no point did I ever suggest that he should lose weight. I have complimented him when he dropped a little and cheered him on when he reported losses on the scale. I'm delighted that he is doing it and I hope he keeps it up, but it has to come from him, not from me.

Ditto pretty much what everyone else has said-you can't change what he thinks and does-only yourself. Try to imagine how you would feel if he was commenting on your weight or diet all the time:(

My DH has at times been known to sabotage my diets (of course, some of my former diets were ridiculous:lol:). He's one who grew up eating everything fried (in lard, no less:p), along with high-fat sausages, bacon at every breakfast, real butter, and whole milk. His mom still cooks that way! (we don't go there very often)

So, after several attempts to get him to go along with new ways of eating, I just gave up, sort of;) Now, when I make something he likes that's fried, I use olive oil. You can't tell any difference between hash browns fried in the crisco oil he always used and the olive oil I use. I bake chicken strips instead of deep frying(and I rarely eat those-I make a salad for myself); I quit putting salt in anything, because of his blood pressure; I don't add extra fat to anything, you know, no butter in the potatoes-if he wants it, it's on the table. I have just modified everything I cook, so it's healthy for all of us to eat-he eats what he wants and I measure and weigh everything I eat. And, sometimes I do make things he doesn't like (usually broccoli or carrots), but I make an extra veggie that he does like, so he doesn't feel deprived-lol.

I just realized that there is a way to get myself healthy without frustrating everyone, and as a side benefit, his cholesterol has gone down, as well as his bp!

Best wishes!

my DH eats with better habits or worse depending on me and what I bring into the house. When I started changing my way of eating, my shopping lists and meal plans changed too. He is aware of the change and pleased with it. He battles the bulge also.
What I have learned is to stop asking, (sometimes I still do), and just serve. He can give me a hard time on a certain dinners, but only b/c he hasn't tasted them yet. :)

change for yourself and let him come along for the ride or not.

For me, I just had to do my own thing. My husband isn't overweight but he eats like crap and I can't do the same. I used to be jealous now I just think of it as two cars needing two different fuels. I need Premium and he needs cheap Unleaded LOL.

As for trying to help him along in his journey, 90% of it is his decision but that 10% can be you cooking new things and having him try them, or stocking the cabinets with better choices so when he goes to snack there aren't the same options there anymore. Praising his good choices and when he has positive results letting him know what got him there. The rest is unfortunately up to him. Focus on yourself for a while and maybe when he sees your results, he'll get on board. Good luck!

when you are overweight, you structure your life in a way that helps you maintain that.

We often like to choose pudgy guys so that you don't feel fat standing next to them or worry about being heavier than your man. We also choose them because they will eat take out with us and be a pig out mate so to speak.

Alot of times when people decided to change their life, they have to contend with the friends, boyfriend, family who are used to you living an "overweight lifestyle" and were a part of it.

I kind of have the opposite problem, my guy is a vegetarian, he is about 6ft, lean (works out, was in the army for 6 years and keeps himself inshape), and probably about 175. He's actually inspired me to get going so that I no longer weigh more than him (although I'm not sure if I do or not, because he's kind of compact and may weigh more b/c of muscle).

It's actually a huge plus for me that he is health conscious. Because I am now into living a healthier lifestyle I was attracted to someone for whom health is a priority (although he's not obnoxious about it at all).

Wow, my post seems to have gotten a lot of buzz. I thank each and every one of you for finding the time to share your experience with me. I suggested us going separate ways when meal time comes and Ryan seemed hurt that I didn't want to include him. He relies on me heavily to run things and looks to me to plan his meals. So, me cooking only for myself makes him feel like I'm cutting him out somehow. He does acknowledge that he could stand to lose some pounds, but he doesn't want to make any real changes. I guess that's the most frustrating thing- that he says one thing but practices another. I really want to be there for him and I don't want to come off as a controlling "my way or the highway" kind of girl. Is there a balance between doing what I have to do while also giving Ryan all he needs?

Seems like you and he need to have a straightforward talk. I had to do this with my DH about a year ago.

I finally had to tell him that this is something I need to do for myself - that being fat and out of shape made me feel miserable about myself and that I had to make these changes or be very unhappy the rest of my life, which I wasn't willing to do. I told him that he was welcome to join me, or he was welcome to do his own thing, but I couldn't cook the old way for him and a new way for me and expect to stay on track.

Honestly there is no way that you can give Ryan ALL he needs and still take care of yourself, if he refuses to meet you half way. You can give him some of what he needs, and you can be supportive of him, but you cannot give him ALL. It just doesn't work that way. :)

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