Uhhh, well, I think by definition there is no balance between doing what you need and giving him *all* he needs ;). I think there is a big, big difference between excluding him and him choosing not to eat your food that you offer him. One is your choice, one is his choice. Picky eaters have to take responsibility for themselves. Unless they're three.

also from your post it sounds like he is EXTREAMLY stubborn, doesn't like to be told what to do...if anything bugging him about his weight probably makes him want to eat crap even more just to show you that you can't tell him how to eat.

If you just ignore it, cook the foods you want to eat and let him eat whatever he wants he'll probably just follow your lead. As you start to drop a bit of weight he'll probably be motivated too.

A year ago, I decide to follow a vegan diet. It was a huge change and I had a limited time offer for my husband, I'd continue to cook him meat/fish if he wanted. Of course it wasn't a sudden change as both of us had been cutting back on meat for a while. His answer was that he would eat what I cooked. For a while, he'd eat meat out occasionally but he eventually stopped that.

My husband and I eat almost the same things except he has a higher metabolism and doesn't have a weight problem so minor differences include:

- I buy him nut butters and make him nut butter sandwiches
- I buy him tortilla chips for snacking on
- I make him rice or other grains (or pasta) which I rarely eat
- I buy him snack bars (like Clif Nectar bars) that I rarely eat

Sometimes I'll also make something for me that I don't intend for him. He is fine with that but he would also eat whatever I made.

I do think you need to have a talk with him in that you need to change your eating habits and thing about what you would be willing to make for him that wouldn't be for yourself. If nothing else, serve him small portions of things you don't think he'd be willing to eat to see if maybe he does like it. You never know, his tastebuds could change as well. You could also say things like "I don't want to cook fried food anymore, you can make it yourself if you want or you could eat it when you eat out".

Heheh.

Here's what I do with my husband: I plan meals that contain elements that he'll eat.

For example, tomorrow we're having grilled chicken. I marinade some boneless/skinless breasts for me and throw in a packet of drumsticks for him. He gets to grill them ('cause according to him, real men cook over open flame :rolleyes:) and will probably slather his drumsticks in barbecue sauce. Then I'm going to bake sweet potatoes and saute broccoli in garlic, sesame oil, and soy sauce. He probably won't eat the broccoli. He will eat the sweet potato, although he'll smother it in butter, brown sugar, and cinnamon. He gets his barbecued chicken and whatever else he wants to have with it. In the meanwhile, I get my lean chicken, my baked potato with a little butter and salt and pepper, and my broccoli.

Wednesday I'll fix baked pork chops. I'll saute onions, garlic, and mushrooms (maybe with a splash of white wine) to put over the top and I'll roast some asparagus. He'll eat the pork chops (w/out the onions and mushroom) and he won't eat the asparagus. He'll probably fix himself a wedge of iceburg with blue cheese dressing instead. He'll probably also put barbecue sauce on the pork chops (are you seeing a theme here?:) ).

This is how we compromise.

Probably 2 days a week I'll fix something that he just won't eat and he'll eat a frozen pizza. That's his choice. Last night I had veggie stir fry. No meat, no rice, just 7 different veggies, chopped up, sauteed until crisp tender, and a splash of soy sauce. I ate a huge bowl of this for dinner because I was *craving* veggies. For him, a meal isn't a meal unless there's MEAT involved, so he went to Publix and bought a fried chicken dinner and ate it.

Tonight he's going over to his brother's to watch the ball game, so I'll do baked salmon with ginger (not his favorite). He and his bro can eat all the junk they want and I'll read my book in peace and quiet. :)

I don't exclude him, I don't force him to eat what I eat, but I make it clear that I'm not going to eat what he eats either.

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You could give him two choices for everything.

Like, think of things you would like to make for dinner, and then think of something alternate that he could choose. For example, if you want to make some chicken breasts, ask him if he would like them the way you plan on eating them, or would he like them "crispy". And by crispy I mean, you could saute them in a pan with olive oil coated in a bit of corn starch. (That is my boyfriend's trick to getting his meat "crispy" without much fat).

If you're steaming broccoli to eat, does he want broccoli or corn?

Don't ask him what he WANTS -- give him two choices and he should be able to pick one. That way he still feels like he is a part of things, he gets to choose, you are still planing/cooking his meals for him, but you are pretty much controlling the two choices.

I dunno...maybe?

Now see, that wouldn't work for me because I'd feel like I was (a) working with a toddler and (b) having to fix two different meals every night. :)

I do try to include my husband in my meal planning. Of course that only works if you do sit down and plan your weekly dinners. ;) But I generally plan meals on Sunday night while we're sitting in front of the TV anyway. So I find that what works for us is for me to say "here's what I'm thinking about for Monday (or Tuesday, or Wednesday)" and he can either say "yeah, that works" or "can we have X instead" or "I'll just do my own thing that night".

Sometimes he'll suggest having something else (usually in the realm of veggies) and I know that I just can't do it. Like he'll want potatoes and corn (can you say "starch"? :)) so I'll say, no sorry, I can't do corn that night. If you want some, you can fix some though. Or sometimes he'll suggest something that sounds good to me and I'll make that change.

And sometimes he'll suggest something that would normally be a no-no for me, but then I'll try to think about how I can accommodate him. Like making oven fried chicken, but leaving a piece w/out breading for me, or fixing home made pizza and putting tons of veggies on mine and letting him put all the pepperoni and cheese he wants on his. :)

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I think it's your "job" as his mate to show care and concern for him and to try to meet his needs as much of you can. However, it's not your job as his mate to forsake your own needs. And, the flipside of that is that it's HIS job to meet your needs and show care and concern for you. You're not excluding him at all. You're not telling him you're cooking for you and he can fend for himself, you're telling him you're changing the way that you cook. You're going to be the best example he has. Your healthy eating and exercising is going to bring out a lot of positive changes in you that he's going to want a piece of. He's going to want more energy, a better body, to feel better. Also, I'd suggest taking a pic of the two of you and then framing it/showing him/whatever. Sometimes we don't know how far we've let ourselves go until the evidence is in our face. :) Good luck!

I'm in a very similiar boat as you! My husband is training for an ironman race and eats upwards of 3500 calories a day! He gets desserts and pasta and the like. I had to just learn to not compare what he's having with what I'm having. I make his dinners at the same time I make my dinner and we sit down together and eat.

My advice would be to lead by example. Maybe once he sees big changes happening in your body he'll realize he wants to make those changes too. Not everyone jumps right in with both feet. I know it has taken me years to get where I am. I could never have gone straight from making chili dogs and deep fried french fries for dinner to eating fish and vegetables and *gasp* cottage cheese.

Wow, its kind of comforting to know that other people have these same issues. ever since i started changing my eating ways I have been struggling with my food vs/ my DH and children's food. I usually have to make two separate dinners which is so hard on me. sometimes i will make my food, and then DH will make him and the kids food. I feel guilty tho. He works 5 days a week and I work 2. I've always been the one who cooks, and now he is feeling like i am being selfish. I cant be of much support on this topic because I have the same issues. basically for 6 months now, I fix my food and then have to be tempted by what they are eating, its really agonizing. i've tried to change what they eat, and "make" them eat the healthy food I eat, but that doesn't work. ugh.......I just dont know the right answer for this one.:?:

I think making two entirely different meals, often reinforces the idea (both to the dieter and the family) that weight loss food is "different" than "good food."

There are thousands of wonderful diet conscious recipes, that nondieting folk can enjoy, and would never suspect are "diet foods," because really there are no diet foods, just foods. If there are family members who don't need to lose weight or even need to gain weight, they can do so on much the same foods the dieter in the household is eating. My mom has lost about 60 lbs on Weight Watchers, and she hasn't done so serving two different meals. There are side dishes she chooses not to eat, or to eat smaller helpings of, and she uses a lower calorie dressing than my dad, sisters, or nephews, but the core of the meal is usually the same.

Asking anyone (even yourself) to make drastic diet changes is difficult (especially for the ones who see no value in it), but there are a lot of compromise dishes or gradual change dishes or dishes that the nondieter can add fatty ingredients to, that everyone can eat and enjoy.

For example tacos. Corn tortillas are half the calories of flour. Light sourcream tastes very similar to real sour cream (fat free I wouldn't bother with, the nondieters are going to immediately notice it's not "real" sour cream). Low fat cheese, I think of as blegh. But a light sprinkling or even no cheese, still makes a great taco). If the taco meat is well seasoned, it doesn't have to be made with high fat meats. I use ground chicken or a mixture of beef and tvp. Refried beans are usually pretty modest in calories (unless you're adding a lot of lard or bacon fat to them as they cook).

Who doesn't like to build your own taco, and the dieters at the table can just build different tacos (not from different foods, but different percentages). Lean family members can add guacamole, sour cream, lots of cheese and meat in flour shells. Weight conscious members can go light on the high fat ingredients and fill their corn tortillas with lots of veggies onion, green pepper, tomato, fresh salsa and lesser amounts of the meat, beans and cheese.

There are a lot of customizable dishes you can do this way. Weight Watchers has a great cookbook (forget what it's called) that are light versions of restaurant favorites. They also have a great All-American cookbook (All American, I believe is in the title) and a basics cookbook that is a lot like the classic Good Housekeeping and Betty Crocker basics book.

I remember one recipe (I think in the WW restaurant cookbook) that was mooshoo chicken or beef I think. And I've made it in a couple variations for family gatherings of mixed dieters and non dieters and it was a big hit.

Basically a stir fry of meat and onions and a little soy and maybe green peppers. A seperate veggie only stir fry (two stir fries take about the same time as one). Flour tortillas and rice paper. Like tacos guests wrap their own and can choose the meat stir fry, the vegetable stir fry or some of both in whatever proportion they want. They can use the rice paper, the tortillas, or no wrap at all.

Rice paper comes in a stack of round disks. They sort of look like gelatin sheets (a bit translucent, but not entirely transparent). You soak them in hot water for just a few seconds until they're soft (one at a time, and just as you're going to use them, otherwise they stick together - I kept a skillet of water on low, and anyone can dip them as they need them). The wrapper then becomes stretchy and chewly (it's the wrapper on vietnamese and thai spring rolls). The wrapper is about the dimensions of a tortilla, but thinner and chewier and only has about 35 calories a piece.

Roast chicken and roast beef, even roast pork (leaner cuts) make a great center for a meal whether you're weight-conscious or not.

If you plan ahead, there's no reason that you have to make two meals, at least not most of the time.