Strangers offering "advice"
 

I must have, "Kick me, I'm fat" written on the back of my shirt or something. :(

I stopped at a local store to pick up some hair dye this afternoon, and another woman in the isle looks over at me and starts a conversation -- it was very innocent at first, asked what color I use and so on because she thinks it looks good on me. Then she says, "well, it's good to see that you care about your hair and choose good colors....but you're a bigger girl...you want to look better than you do..." (This accompanied by hand gestures more reminiscent of a globe than an hourglass). She suggested I eat fruit twice a day instead of regular meals and I'd feel SOO much better, I must be having digestive trouble with such a large stomach, and papaya especially is good for that...and pineapple...because she lost 60 lbs like that and don't I want to take care of myself?

I was stunned. I just stared at her, I couldn't even come up with a reply. I think I mumbled thanks before walking away, and I went back later to pick out the dye I wanted for my hair.

Now, I am not under any illusions; I know I'm fat. It's something that I fight with on a daily, usually hourly basis, and I'm not happy about the way that I look. But I can't imagine going up to a stranger and just taking them apart like that. I felt like she punched me with her words. And the worst part is that I don't think she was trying to be mean. But man...that really sucked.
:cry:

Has anything similar ever happened to you? How do you deal with it? I've been fat all of my life, and I've had friends or family mention it, but never have I had a total stranger comment like that before. I'm just mortified now.

Some people just don't know when to shut up.

My favorite response when someone says something really inappropriate is to look at them with a sort of quizzical, mildly surprised look on my face and say "Do you realize you just said that out loud?"

And then shake my head and walk away.

I NEVER respond, look shocked or hurt, or react in any way other than mild sort of "wow, you really said that out loud". (At least I try not to - I'm not always successful, but I've gotten better with practice.)

You'd be amazed at how many people get REALLY embarassed once they realize that what they've said is WAY out of line.

.

I hate it when people do that. When it happens to me I feel like replying, "Seriously, I didn't know that I am fat... Thank you sooo much for pointing that out to me. :rolleyes: Idiot. "

I am constantly astonished by how rude some people can be.

Dang. I would love to have heard that woman's internal dialogue before she decided to tell you that you're fat and need to change like a bazillion things about yourself and how you should do it, etc. "Should I just quietly select my shampoo and leave this woman alone? Hmm... NAH, I think I'll call her fat and give her all kinds of unsolicited advice." How ridiculous.

Not to mention that her advice -- eating fruit instead of meals -- is kind of on the looney side anyway, imo.

I'm trying to remember if anything similar had ever happened to me... when I was around 240lbs (after I lost 25), I went to a family party, seeing many of my relatives for the first time since losing the 25 lbs. I was still heavy, but I looked noticeably thinner and I'd gone down a clothing size. Anyway, at the party my aunt, who had herself lost around 50 lbs, starts talking to me about how I was doing it, etc. The truth is, nowadays I have no trouble talking about how I lost weight even though I'm not at goal weight, but back then I was still VEEEEEEERY self-conscious and shy, especially about body issues. I didn't even want anyone to comment or compliment me on my loss, let alone ask me the how's and why's. But I tell her what I'd been doing -- diet and exercise at Curves -- and she proceeds to totally tear apart my whole plan and everything I'd been doing, in front of everyone, telling me I'll likely gain it back and if I want to keep losing, I have to do XYZ instead.

It was mortifying and awful and I left the party early.

In retrospect, I see that her advice was sound and based on experience and her own success, but it was the whole public and unrequested delivery of this advice that turned me off.

advice giving just kills me! and it comes from 2 different ways - the people that want to tell you that you are fat and tell you how to lose it OR someone finds out you are losing weight, asks you how you are doing it, then tries to educate you on health and weight loss. generally those people seem to be the ones who have only ever been 15lbs overweight - if that and have no idea what they are talking about.
ggrrrr!

I was on a night out last night, having a great time and I'd even met a really nice guy.

Then a guy walked up to me and said 'hello ugly. F**k you're fat, aren't you?"

I went home.

Not advice I realise, but comments nonetheless.

Oh my! There are still so many uncivilized people out there who think personal remarks are OK.
How about "Thanks for sharing your opinion. Bye now." ?

I think many of these folk are clueless. They have had success on their "plan" and want to share their new-found "knowledge" with the rest of the world. I don't think they mean to be offensive, but - invariably - they are.

As much as I would LOVE to help others, I limit my weightloss advice to two methods:
1. post prolifically on 3FC
2. give advice ONLY when asked for it. And then, pay attention to the reaction it gets and either shut up or continue accordingly.

When I was young, I was very sensitive about being overweight --- horrible self esteem... the whole nine yards. I think that because people always commented on it ("such a pretty face! if only....") and the doctor attributing every ailment I had to ... "well, if you'd lose some weight...." (== yes, doctor, I have poison ivy... how is that related to my weight? ==) ... to my aunts saying "Here I will hand down my large sized clothing to you because you'll need it for jobs..." (== thank you, Aunt Hettie... I'm 24 and you're 70.. ==)

So, after hearing it for so long, it was surprising to me when the cultural climate changed and it wasn't okay for people to comment on weight anymore. Now, I'm the one saying "well, I'm a big girl so I can't wear this.." or something along those lines and people look at me shocked.

Chrysalis -- was the woman much older?... seems like it's mainly the older people who have retained that habit after society went ahead and evolved.

KLK -- your aunt sounds like my sons... "Ma! You need to have more protein. You shouldn't be doing it like you're doing it.... here's what you need to do." When I confront them on it, they just say they're trying to help.

Chrysalis -- I'm sorry she tried to make your life her business. She was wrong. Photochick hit the nail on the head -- make them feel embarrassed for what they said. Don't give them the power to make you feel embarrassed.

If anyone makes a comment to me I try to take it in the manner it is given. There are people that really don't want others to suffer as much as they have. You say this lady has lost 60 pounds. That is a lot to lose and I have a feeling she didn't feel very good about how large she was at that size. Sounds more to me like she was just giving helpfully advice just not in a very good way. People really need to stop being so sensitive and taking everything people say in a negative way. If someone says something, take it as helpful and in the best possible manner unless you know for sure they are saying it to be hurtful.

You have to be joking? I would have knocked his teeth out. No no, seriously.

Ha, part of me wanted to, but I was just so unbelievably mortified that I just upped and left. I wouldn't have been so upset had it not been for the fact that I had met someone I really liked and was wanting to get to know him. Now he'll just remember me as the girl who got called fat by some random bloke in a bar.

I worked out 2 hours today. Not for him, but for me. I'm so so sick of being treated like that.

I'm REALLY sorry that happened to you... :mad:

Usually guys that say things like that have dirty fingernails and a beer belly or will if they haven't now.
The lady that was giving unsolicited advice probably feels like an expert since she lost 60 pounds. She was wrong , though.Too bad you didn't think to say "When are you going to lose the next 60 ?"

If I might offer some advice here?

Then stop allowing people to treat you like that.

Stop allowing yourself to be "mortified" by the rudeness of others. YOU are not the one who should be mortified here. The idiot who spoke to you is the one who should be mortified.

The guy you met and liked? Now he's more like to remember you not as the girl who got called fat, but as the girl who let some a$$hole drive you off. The girl who can't handle a drunk idiot gracefully. The fact that you left is going to affect his thoughts about you more than the fact that some moron called you fat.

How do you think this guy you'd met would remember you if instead you turned to the guy who said that to you and said "At least I'm not drunk and rude" and then turned your back on him, and focused completely on the person you'd been talking to before.

And I"m not trying to give you a hard time here, but to offer some advice from my experience. If this guy was interested in you and you were talking, then he knew what size you were. He was right there, after all. He wasn't going to suddenly think "oh wow - that guy is right - she's fat and ugly". He was right there and obviously saw/heard something in you that he liked.

We .. ALL of us ... need to stop being embarrassed or "mortified" by other people's rudeness. I read so many women here saying "someone called me a name or embarrassed me in public and I am so humiliated/mortified/went home and cried." WHY allow complete strangers to treat you like that? Why allow someone who is being hugely rude to make YOU feel embarrassed?

Stand up for yourself. Not in a rude way. Not playing tit-for-tat ugly little games. RESPECT YOURSELF. Stand up to these people, look them in the eye and ask calmly, "Why do you think you have the right to say that to me?" or "I'm sorry, I don't remember asking for your advice on my personal business." Or anything to point out to them that their comments are out of line and rude.

Don't allow yourself to be a doormat!!!

:D

(*phew* Didn't realize it was a topic I was that passionate about!)

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From220, I was at a club one night some friends. I was thinner, my friend was short, the other tall and thin...we were going to the ladies room *you must go in groups you know* and there were 2 fellows there..rating girls. We overheard them saying fat & ugly, pretty & gorgeous. Well my short friend broke into tears in the bathroom over it. Being the headstrong defender...I went out and had a chat with those boys...they ended up apologizing...redfaced and all.

I love this saying btw..."Do you realize you just said that out loud?"

I'm sorry you all have been hurt. I laugh at folks like this.

but here's a kicker don't you love when they offer advice and it's WRONG????

I was at a training session, they offered pastries for everyone to eat, I took out my 5.5 oz can of v8 and a hard boiled egg

the woman who was the RECEPTIONIST at this training session for IT SPECIALISTS SNATCHED IT OUT OF MY hand and said "that stuff is bad for you it has High Fructose Corn Syrup in it"... I just stood there waiting for her to read the ingredients... at which point she sheepishly handed my beverage back to me and said "oh I guess it doesn't"

I'd been on South Beach for TWO years already and she was preaching to the choir.. and she was wrong... it was priceless.

Of course she was trying to be mean! I try and feel badly for people who do and say things like that. They must have more demons swirling around in their brains than I do. They pick the one thing that they feel is "okay" about themselves and then take apart anyone who doesn't have *that particular area* correct, according to them.

PhotoChick, strong words but good words.

Some people say stupid things - and not just to fat women. A confident person puts it back on the person being an idiot. Confidence isn't easy, but it's so worth it. An opinion, is just that an opinion, not fact.

I find humor the best response. Hostile when it needs to me (you're an idiot, aren't you?) or gentle if the person is well-meaning, but misdirected (you didn't think before you opened your mouth, did you?)

Whether a person is commenting on your weight or your shoes, it's about them, not you.

I find that most people who offer unsolicited advice really just want to brag without making it seem that way. They want to tell you all about how they did it, if they lost weight or how they would do it if they had to lose. The funny thing is that most of them could stand to lose a few and if not, they probably think they should. So they go to you the "fat" person with advice to boost their own egos to prove to themselves that they know how to do it and then walk away thinking they did humanity a favor. I've dealt with so many of these types of people....strangers, coworkers, family and friends. I agree with the not-being-a-doormat mentality, and forget being "polite"! I'm not saying to cuss them out, but don't sugar coat the fact that they are being rude and mean. Even if they are well meaning, that doesn't change the fact that they are rude and when it comes to social interaction, perception is everything. You could mean well all the way to the moon, but if you are ignorant of what is acceptable means of public behavior then you aren't going to get anywhere. My mom said it best "If life is a journey that you walk through, you aren't going to get far with your foot in your mouth." If people want to think I'm mean for telling them to lay off, then I'm ok with that b/c I'm not going to let ignorant, well-meaning, or evil-minded people drag me down.

I don't think it is her fault that she feels a certain way. You can't help how you feel about something.

Maybe I took this wrong when I read it, but it seems to me this poor girl is getting told that she she "allowed" it to happen.

NOT YOUR FAULT someone is a moron, dear. Stay strong. :hug:

-Yello.

Loooove this response. I will absolutely put this into practice!! :)

Yellofly, I disagree - we are as responsible for our feelings as our actions, and we can choose to change them. Sometimes it is hard (but it's hard to change behaviors too).

Our feelings are generally due to "self-talk," and to a large degree we can choose to talk to ourselves differently.

You can't always help how you feel at an immediate moment, but you can help how you react to those feelings. And you can LEARN to not feel a certain way in a certain situation.

Often what we feel is based on our conditioned response and you CAN change that and learn to feel differently. I know. I've been there. :)

IN fact I've been in the exact same position of *feeling* hurt and embarrassed when someone said something rude to me. It took me years of learning and advice from someone who I trusted a lot to make me realize that I *could* control how I felt - by respecting myself.

Now when someone is rude to me, I don't immediately take it personally. I don't allow myself to be hurt by the random comments of a stranger. I know I'm a good, kind, caring, smart, talented person and that some drunk stranger with an attitude problem shouldn't be allowed to ruin my day or my evening.

Did she allow it to happen? To a degree, yes. She gave a stranger power over her feelings and her actions. :) And I don't mean that harshly or meanly ... just as a statement of fact. We all do it - I do it far more than I should.

The trick is recognizing that we do it and working towards doing it less! :)

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There is no hope to escape criticism
 

This reminds me of a story about Bev Francis. She was swimming in a pool and this guy with good intentions came up to her and told her she was a very pretty girl. Then proceeded to tell her that if she cut back a little and excercised some more she could lose that extra weight and be stunning. Ms Olympia, professional bodybuilder, ungodly low body fat. She smiled and thanked him then finished her swim. If a world powerlifting champion gets it the rest of us can't escape. But we can face it with the same style and graciousness. ( I have a bit of hero worship here ) :D

Thank the ignorant, smile at them and walk away. Then thank God that you are not them.

How you feel about something is actually something that ONLY you control.

Making others responsible for how you feel is a slippery slope. Gives away a lot of power!

Some people just don't know how to read a room. They talk too close. They don't know their breath stinks. They think their advances are welcomed when they are not. And some people think it's their right to share their opinion on ANYTHING with ANYONE. And then they want you to believe their intentions were good and it's your fault for not liking how they've behaved.

And they're right! How you feel about how someone else behaves is all about you.

Her statements about the original poster's weight (and haircolor, too for that matter) were all about HER. And the original poster's reaction to that person's statements are all about the original poster.

Finding a way to be less attached to what anyone says to you or about you (on any topic, no matter what their intentions) will be one of the nicest things you ever do for yourself.

Being emotionally influenced by what others say and/or do will leave you feeling powerless and always dictated by the mood/actions of others. That's awful! (In my opinion, anyway. ;) And I'm not attached to having anyone agree with me. See how that works?)

Sign my name to PhotoChick's and kaplod's comments above, as usual.

Good luck shaking it off! It just takes practice. Some folks are going to share their unsolicited opinion about anything, no matter what your weight might be. Why wait 'til you're thinner to not care what they say?

I tend to assume the best intentions of others. That doesn't mean I blindly trust people, but I assume that most people are well-intentioned, and therefore when someone says something stupid, I don't usually get angry or offended (knowing I sometimes say stupid stuff too). But that doesn't mean I have to believe or agree with the stupid comments. When they're intentionally being rude, I have even LESS reason to pay attention to their opinion.

It is about confidence. If you're confident that the sky is blue, you don't get upset when someone tells you it's orange. It's only when you're afraid that what they say "might be true," or worry about others thinking it's true, that you get really worked up about other people's foolishness. And that's what it is foolishness - thinking that you want or need advice on the subject is a big, foolish assumption.

But think of all the other foolish advice you get in your life. Mostly, when you recognize it as foolish, it's kind of funny. I've gotten some pretty lame advice from alot of people over the years (not all of it related to my weight, either). I remember someone telling me that all I had to do (I don't remember if it was to lose weight, or to not get sick) was drink a glass of orange juice every day (yeah, orange juice is a miracle substance apparently).

I've had so many people give me advice or remedies to cure or fix my weight problems, arthritis, fibromyalgia, spinal problems, love life, childlessness, financial situation, acne, rosacea, hair color, hairstyle.......

If it's "good" advice, I consider it. If it's bull poop, I ignore it. Some of it is so silly, I laugh at it, and tell the story over and over to everyone I know (so hopefully the person with the bad advice isn't a mutual friend - because I will name names).

I still remember a boss telling me that all I needed to do to keep from getting sick was to drink a glass of orange juice every morning (this from a chain smoker). He may never have gotten "sick" with colds and flus, but I hear he dropped dead of a heart attack (I was no longer working there), looks like orange juice doesn't cure everything.

I would have looked at her said, "Well thank goodness I can fix my weight situation, but in your case, you just can't fix STUPID." ;)

Yes, yes, yes. A thousand times yes.

I spent far too long giving control of my happiness to other people. I still have to fight the urge to do it. But ultimately I am not responsible for anyone else's behavior/feelings/actions but mine.

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First, to the OP. That woman had no right striking up a conversation with you just to hand out weight-loss advice. I'd be more than a little shocked. Most likely I'd give my best & most patronizing "OoooOOOooo.... that's... interesting advice. Thank you." And then get my hair dye and move along.

However, with advice, especially bad advice, I think a plain and simple "Thank you" is all that is needed. The more I grow into myself as a healthy eater (does that make sense?), the more comfortable I become, the more I realize that others' advice is truly all about them.

This sounds silly... but they aren't giving advice because they want to help you, they're giving it because they want you to take their advice. Okay, granted this doesn't hold true for all people who give out notes on what they've done. But, many times it seems that way with strangers. So that "Oh, thank you" is all they want to hear. I say, give it to them, go on your own way doing your own thing :)

(Reading through the responses, I take them all to heart. But the one that I think resonates with me the most right now is (Thank you, Photo) "Why do you think you have the right to say that to me?" to throw at those who are truly being rude.)

I ran into a similar problem when i ran into someone i had not seen in a long time...it was someone i had worked with. I knew i had gained weight and dreaded a moment like this. She patted my belly and said "you going to have a baby" (she was foreign) and i said "NOOOOOO i am just fat". (and it was not like she was any kind of thin herself)I thought she was going to die of embarassment.:o She did not know what to say to me then. So i walked away. the look on her face was priceless but her comment still hurt. It is also reasons like that that i am so readyyyyyyy to loose this weight.

I seriously think I would have punched her. Hard. :mad:

dlphn -

I've had that happen before, too. I think it also had something to do with the type of clothes I used to wear - very lose fitting and (to be honest) somewhat maternity looking, to "hide" my belly. :)

I do feel sorry for people in that situation, though. I really do. Because I think they're caught in a catch-22. If someone were really pregnant - visibly so - and they ignored it, then that person would get her feelings hurt. I've seen it on message boards before where women have asked "why didn't she say anything or congratulate me on being pregnant?" and they were seriously upset about it.

OTOH, if the person isn't pregnant then the person risks offending.

Honestly I think there are a lot of situations where the poor innocent person on the other side is just caught inbetween a rock and a hard place. :)

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Why? someone makes an innocent mistake and you'd resort to physical violence? I don't understand that thought process.

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I would have opted for a "Uhh, no, I'm just fat." and then tried to laugh it off, since the person made that comment trying to be nice.

But I once had a guy that has seen me probably 200 times before since I was a kid sarcastically ask my fiance if I were pregnant. NOTHING about me had changed and actually I'd lost weight, so what -- I was pregnant since his barber shop first opened in my neighborhood when I was 11? I wanted to punch *HIM* bc he was just being an @sshole. Also, my body type is not one that would suggest pregnancy, so he was really just being a jerk.

Thanks everybody for the responses. It's been a really, really busy couple of days so I didn't get to follow up sooner. I admire those of you who can completely separate your feelings and not respond emotionally when someone touches a sore spot for you -- I still have some room to grow in that direction, clearly.

In the meantime, live and learn. :) Thanks again everyone!

Oh believe me, I can't always do it. But I *have* learned over time to recognize when I'm doing it ... and to at the very least not let it show on the outside. :)

And honestly, I do think as you develop more self confidence, it's a little easier to do each time. Like everything - it takes practice!

:D

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I've been very overweight (let's call it what it is .... obese) for many, many, many years. I carry most of it in my gut. SO, I'm always a target for that line...

"When is that baby due?!?"

I would turn to the speaker, smile, add 4 months to the current date and say, "January!" and walk away.

Of course, these were never people who knew me because those people knew I wasn't pregnant! These were just the people in the store....

(awesome!)

Reading photochick et al's comment made me think of the Dhalai Lama. The Art of Happiness {and a few other books} talks about how only we can control getting angry. I've been working hard to explain to my children that no one "makes them" angry/sad/cry/etc.

Like PhotoChick said, it takes lots and lots of practice, to get to a point where there's even a 50/50 chance that an idiot being an idiot doesn't upset you when you're a target of their idiocy. It takes lots of practice to remember it's their problem not yours.

For me, laughter was my cure. Humor has always been my comfort zone (laugh at yourself, and it takes the sting out of anyone else doing it - and most of the time they won't even try if you're already laughing at yourself).

I was lucky to be fairly witty, and pretty quick with a comeback. In gradeschool I found out that if I could "trump" an insult with a better insult, people laughed harder at the bully than they did at me. So, at first, humor was my weapon to hide my hurt feelings. But eventually, I really started to see the humor in some of the comments. People really can be idiots, and I'm not exempt either, as I've certainly stuck my foot in my mouth on more than one occasion. I've had a friend or two who took offense at a stupid comment I made, and decided I was a horrible person and no amount of apologizing changed their mind, and it destroyed our friendship. I was hurt by that, but I think the person who decided the offense was unforgiveable lost more than I did.

It's why I tend to remind myself to practice finding such things forgiveable and even funny. Not "for" the other person, but mostly for myself. Negative emotions often trigger emotional eating for me, so for my peace of mind and my waistline I practice the positive emotions of forgiveness and humor. Sometimes it's easier to practice than at others. You'll sometimes see the term "reframing," to mean practicing reinterpretations of negative thoughts.
It's a good exercise.

A simple example of reframing is if you think "I blew it today" when you eat off plan (in a big or small way). When you think it, you remind yourself that you did not "blow it," you simply made a mistake, and try to think of a way to avoid it next time.

Much the same when someone's comments rub you the wrong way, instead of getting angry, there are other options. You can find it funny or you can pity the person or you can dismiss it as unimportant, or you can get momentarily angry but able to erase it from your mind soon after. The important part isn't your reaction, it's how if affects you. If it's affecting you negatively, you owe it to yourself to learn to make it less negative - because it isn't about you - it's about the other person.

They may be well-meaning and just have crappy social skills, they might be so miserable they want to spread their misery around, they may be so lonely that they want to connect to somebody and don't know how to do it in a positive way..... there are tons of reasons that could account for their behavior, but none of it has anything to do with you.