I just posted this to my blog, but it's something I mentioned last week that I was thinking about posting - my latest light-bulb moment. I just wanted to share with you guys. This is a huge thing for me!
A few weeks ago I had a realization about my relationship to and with food. It was a small light-bulb moment for me; not so much one that has changed my behavior, but in how my behavior has changed.
When I first started dieting - in the sense of being “on a diet” - it was very important to me to be satisfied with my food. I love food, love to cook, and always have. I couldn’t put myself on a plan that deprived me of food, forbade me to eat something (or a whole group of something), or forced me to eat lesser versions of regular foods (e.g. no fat cottage cheese, and things of that nature). So instead of following a diet plan as I had in the past, I chose to count calories.
At first, as long as I came in within my calorie range I was happy. However, sometimes that meant I ate very little actual food because what I was eating was high in calories. I rarely ate lots of junk during the day, but I did eat high calorie foods - pasta, cream sauces, rice, curries with coconut oil, and so forth. I began to tweak my diet, realizing that I wasn’t going to last very long if I had to keep skipping dinner because I ate a huge bowl of chicken curry at lunch for 850 calories. So I worked on making healthier choices, but still very concerned with making sure I *enjoyed* what I was eating.
And time went on. I lost weight. I began working out more seriously. I began shifting my focus primarily from losing weight to being healthy and strong. (Don’t misunderstand - I still want to lose weight, but it’s part of a larger goal, now.)
When I started lifting weights seriously, I realized that I needed to add more protein to my diet. I had always resisted protein powders and supplements, but I read enough reliable sources to overcome my objections and so began adding protein powder shakes and smoothies to my daily routine.
As with my “diet”, at first I was very concerned about enjoying my protein powder. I’d mix it with milk, blend it with fruit or juice, do anything to make it an enjoyable snack.
Then, last week I came home from the gym. I was, as is normal after one of my heavy lifting days, ravenous. I’ve often described it on the board as “so hungry I could gnaw my own arm off” which really isn’t far from the truth. I dropped my gym bag inside the door, walked to the kitchen, threw a scoop of protein powder into 8oz of water in a shaker cup, and chugged it. And as I stood there in the kitchen, still in my gym clothes, leaning against the counter, licking the remnants of watery protein powder from my upper lip … the light bulb came on.
I have been doing this after my workouts for at least a month now. No milk, no juice, no fruit, no yogurt … just chugging protein in water to nourish my body. In other words, I have gone from NEEDING my food to be emotionally satisfying, to using my food as a tool.
Wow.
I cannot describe how incredibly powerful that is. To realize that food no longer has that emotional stranglehold on me.
Sure, I still enjoy my food. I enjoy cooking and have, in fact begun to photograph and blog about my cooking adventures - and am looking forward to taking a food styling class in NYC next spring. I am enjoying the challenge of making nutritious recipes that are also yummy and emotionally satisfying. It’s fun to take some old family standby foods and tweak them so they taste just as good but are better for you - and even better when I can serve them back to the family and they don’t know the difference!
But on those days when I don’t have time, or energy, or motivation to “cook fancy” - I can eat what I *need* to eat to nourish my body and not feel deprived - because I have finally come to accept food is just food. Sometimes it’s enjoyable and sometimes it just needs to do the job.
Wow. You know, I have no idea what you look like but I just totally pictured this amazingly fit woman in gym clothes, in her kitchen chugging protein water. Then I snuck a peek at your ticker to see where you started and got goose bumps (okay, and a little misty eyed). Isn't this an amazing place?
It is indeed a wonder moment to realize that the food you once so emotionally needed is no longer the be all, end all, that it has lost its death grip, and that it is what it is . . . food; nothing more and nothing less. Thanks for sharing.
Why... that's right... it's just food... Some is tastier than others, it can be fancy, plain, delicious, so-so... it can be gourmet, flavorful, or junky... but it's still just food...
Wow. It's such a light bulb moment when you realize that food doesn't control you anymore. It's like the "grip of death" is released around you or something.
I'm not quite to that point yet, but I'm getting there. I used to not be able to let a snack be in my general vicinity without wanting to try it. Now I am making better choices (for example, I haven't even thought about eating the bag of peanut M & M's in my desk drawer, and they've been there a week!)
Food has often been about tastes, feelings, a very sensual experience if you will. I have been working to think of food as fuel, and more often than not it's working.
I've been starting to switch my view of food as I've increased my exercise program. I need food to be fuel for me. I need it to nourish me, make me feel satisfied without feeling sick, sluggish or otherwise tired. So far its working for me.
Also, food has always had an emotional link with me and its a bit hard for me to break that link. The other day, my husband wasn't feeling very well emotionally, I asked him if he wanted to grab something to eat from one of his favorite places. It was automatic for me to think "feel crappy = eat favorite food". Although the food is pretty healthy, that wasn't the point. He ended up passing on the idea.
Now that isn't to say I don't love the food I eat, I do but I also have to recognize that it serves a purpose more than filling some emotional void or being their purely for my enjoyment. I need food to help me become the person I want to be and feel good doing it.
Photochick: That is a great story! Very motivating to know that some day soon food won't be such an emotional attachment for me. I am beginning to feel that way about my snacks, but not about the meals yet. I use to be picky about my midmorning snack due to my diabetes; however, now I eat a granola bar before working out because I know that something like that will keep my blood sugar even during and after the workout.
I looked at your photos. You look fantastic girl!! I love your haircut.
Nelie - I do think exercise has been a big part of it for me. Recognizing the cycle: my exercise is better and more productive when I eat well and when I eat well I feel like exercising more and ... round and round and round.
I totally get this:
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The other day, my husband wasn't feeling very well emotionally, I asked him if he wanted to grab something to eat from one of his favorite places.
My husband and I have always used comfort foods - whether at home or at a restaurant.
Diana - thanks! I love my short hair. It shows off my tattoo!
Nice. Let me guess, it is on the back of your neck. My sister has one there and keeps telling me I should get one because I got an inverted bob. lol. She thinks any occassion is a good time to get a new tattoo.
Can I ask you a question about your journey so far? I am going through a stage where I feel guilty whenever I walk away from a snack or table feeling full even when I know I stayed within my calories for the meal and am eating healthy foods.
Don't worry, I love food too much to deprive myself; however, does that guilty feeling go away? I guess psychologically I feel if I am satisfied and full that I must be going over my limit even though I am now measuring and weighing my foods.
My view of food has changed somewhat during this process, too. I no longer have to stop at Starbucks every morning to get my daily fix of sugar loaded energy to start the day or the glow from the fact that the employees knew my name and my order. Exercise and a protein laden smoothie does the same thing, and leaves me feeling happier. I also started eating more veggies, which I mentioned in another post that I attribute to comments from you, JayEl & nelie...
You have made so much progress, and shared a lot of wise words in the process. Thanks! I know that you will reach your goal happy and ready for a lifetime of living your new healthier habits, I hope I stay that confident in the next few months of my life...
Nice. Let me guess, it is on the back of your neck.
Close. On my neck below my right ear.
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Can I ask you a question about your journey so far? I am going through a stage where I feel guilty whenever I walk away from a snack or table feeling full even when I know I stayed within my calories for the meal and am eating healthy foods.
Oh I definitely get that. Today I went with a friend to Sweet Tomato's for lunch. I had a huge salad with tons of my favorite healthy things. I really was stuffed when I left. And I had to stop and really think about the "I ate too much" guilt. Truthfully from a "full" standpoint, I did eat too much. But I estimated my salad at around 350 calories (no cheese, no dressing, some olive oil and red wine vinegar. So I'm well within my calories and it was all really healthy stuff -spinach, beets, cabbage, carrots, tomatoes, etc.
I think the guilt goes away, but I'm wondering myself if the feeling of "oops ... I might have messed up" goes away. Partially there's a feeling that "I can't feel THIS full on healthy food."
Doncha love these weird emotions that go along with the whole journey?
MY office, like so many others, is filled with free food. And the thinnest person in the dept seems to always be trying to come up with new events for there to be cake or a potluck.
Yesterday there was a birthday cake, the day before a potluck. Twice in one week! I partook of neither (frankly I had forgotten about the potluck and I just wasn't in the mood for cake (or anything else with the word "death" in it's title.)
At my usual time I went to the gym, shortly thereafter a co-worker came in. She asked me if I had had cake that afternoon, I shook my head "no" and she replied that I was "being good."
It dawned on me that too often we place these judgements on food: good carbs, bad carbs, good fats, bad fats, you're being bad when you eat certain foods and being good when you avoid them or eat "healthy" foods.
Food is food. When it came time for cake, I wasn't hungry and the cake would add no value to my day, plus I'm still at the point where I may attach emotional feelings to my indulgence. I just didn't want, and moreover need a piece of cake.
I've been trying to find a food that is truly bad, or at least qualities that would make it truly bad in my opinion. The most I can come up with is: unnatural ingredients, too much processing and McDonald's french fries-because those things never go bad, mold or anything-they're permafood!
Food as Food
Cakes & snacks
