hey everyone, I was just wondering if you could give some tips on how to support my mom because she needs to lose weight. So basically my mom needs to lose about a 100 pounds, I think she is a secret eater and she often buys unhealthy things for herself and says that she is buying this for my little brother and stuff like that. She is currently under a lot of work-related stress and she spends most of the evenings watching tv and eating. She has tried quite a few times to lose weight but she never sticks to it and gives up. I donīt think she has the knowledge about how to lose weight and when my father and I encourage her to go to the gym with us or give her some tips she gets really offensive, and there have actually been numerous fights and tears because of this Ofcourse I donīt want to offend her so currently I donīt say anything to her but I notice she is gaining weight and I think she feels threatened by me and my father, because we are both very health-conscious. I donīt want to pressure her and I think she needs to realise on her own that she needs to lose weight. But she has extremely low self-esteem and it hurts to watch her do this to herself and her health And my dad was talking to me about this and asking me for advice on what he should do.

So what should I do?

Speaking from experience, I've found that the only way my mum has been successful is when she totally takes it on her own initiative to lose the weight. I've tried everything in the past from getting her to join a gym to having her follow the same plans I've been on and she always strays because it's just not enough for all the encouragement to come from within the household. It's too easy to lose interest and fall off plan when I'm not around.

The turning point was when she saw pictures from her last vacation and something clicked inside her. She has been very successful so far by joining a program that helps her and keeps her on track. Herbal Magic tells her exactly what type of foods she has to eat (2 starch, 3 veggie, 2 fruits, etc), what size each portion is, and she has to check in with them 3 times a week to be weighed and for them to look at her food journal to make sure she's following the plan. That in conjunction with taking herbal vitamins to help the process along has been tremendously encouraging for her. She's been losing an average of 2 pounds a week for the last 2.5 months and is uber excited about life. Where my support as daughter has come in is that I've been following the same plan so she's not alone and we get to share successes.

Like I said, this is just based on personal experience, but the overall point is that she needs to do it herself and get the encouragement and help outside of the home and stick with it for more than just the beginning stages.

I hope everything works out for you and your family.

She needs to be motivated to lose weight. I know of no way that you can do that for her. She might even resent your suggestions, even tho you have her best interests at heart. You might suggest that she have a physical checkup, her doctor may be able to get thru to her.

This is tough, and touchy.

My suggestion is not to focus on how much she weighs or needs to lose or is gaining, but to instead make the focus on the food choices. "I'm concerned about how and what I see you eating, Mom..."

Of course, this shouldn't be thrown at her when she's in the middle of eating something, more like you should try to catch her when she's not busy or stressed right at that moment.

"...I love you. I want you to be around for a long, long time. And... the things I see in this house aren't going to lead to that... even my little brother's health is going to suffer if he's eating these things constantly... we don't need to keep them in the house, not good for any of us..."

Make sure you're sitting down with her. Make it about concern, never judgement. And if you bring up the rest of the family eating better then it's not just about her, but everyone in the household.

"...Would it be okay if I come along to help with the shopping? We could go as a family for a nice trip and pick out better things to eat together!..."

Offer help. You can't force her to accept it. But offer it just the same.

Only she can decide to eat better, or to lose weight. Show concern, but if she doesn't want to change, then she won't.

Be careful not to bully her or belittle her. (Not that you're doing it now, but it's easy to take things the wrong way.) It will probably just add to her stress, and cause her to eat worse.

I hope that she's able to see what you're saying, and change for the better.

The only thing I can think to do is have a heart to heart. Something like "Mom, I love you the way you are, but I'm worried about your health. I know you've tried to lose weight in the past, and it hasn't happened, and you're probably frustrated with the whole concept, but if you would like any help and support and advice to do this know that I'm here for you." And if she's not receptive..well you tried. If she's not ready to work on improving her health and losing weight, theres not much you can really do. Perhaps you can try to cook healthy dinners for her sometimes, or make her healthy treats to snack on as well, she might appreciate it if she's stressed a lot, to not have to cook sometimes.

When I was morbidly obese other people telling me I needed to lose weight tended to boomerang on them. Same for my husband.

It's one thing to support someone who wants to lose weight, but as has been mentioned, it's a very different thing when the person doesn't want to. I honestly don't know how to support that.

As others have said, I think the best bet is cook some healthy food and show general support, but trying to convince her to lose may backfire.

Good luck -- it's hard to watch someone you love be unhealthy!

Could you take some of the initiative into your own hands and for example, say "Mom, I would like to make dinner tonight". Make something yummy but healthy and steer to conversation towards "tasty food does not have to be full of fat, sugar and salt" etc.
You can also make things that can be frozen so that mom can only reheat. (And bribe dad to sing eccolades how much he enjoyed your dinner).

This is a tricky situation because you cannot change a person - the person has to be willing / motivated to make the change himself/herself. Or, help mom with shopping as Faerie suggested and make sure you read the labels and make suggestions of better substitutions (for example).
Good luck!

You mom has to decide that she wants to make the changes. Too much pressure from you may push her farther away from them.

Maybe you could ask her if there are ways that she would like you to encourage her. Would she like to go for walks together, make dinner together, talk about diet, go grocery shopping together. Ask her if there's anything she would like you to do. If she doesn't want you to do anything, then do that. Maybe what she needs is for you to back off and give her space to decide what she wants to do. Whichever you do, keep on doing what is healthy for YOU, and be a good example.

my husband needs to lose 200 pounds.
there is NOTHING I can do about it till he is ready.

so i tell him, I love you, when you are ready i'll do whatever I can to help you.

and i keep on setting a good example.

I agree with Bethbeth, this has to be your mom's decision. I think all of us who have tried to lose weight know that until that magical thing inside of us clicks, its pretty futile to try and lose weight.
I would like my brother to lose weight with me, but, like your mom, its a touchy subject and frankly I know he doesn't need to hear that he should lose weight, there is no way he doesn't know it already.
So I figured, there's plenty of healthy food in the house because of me and he see's me working out pretty regularly so when the weight loss starts to show hopefully that will motivate him to get moving too!

If there's a TOPS group in your area, you might consider letting your mom know that you heard about a program that is really great, really cheap, and really fun. If she's interested, she can visit any chapter meeting free (if there's several near her, she might try several to see if she likes one group better than another).

If she's not interested, not much you can do about that, but if she is interested, it might be easier for her to take support from people she isn't so close to. My mom and I have had to learn we can't be very good support to each other. She was a WW member for a while and did really great. My husband and I recently joined TOPS and LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it (hubby and I are the same, we get a charge out of competing and participating in the group, but with each other things get more complicated). We paid $36 to join (Parent/child or couples living in the same house can join for an anual feel of $36, $24 for an individual). This includes a monthly newsletter. Each chapter charges monthly dues as well, our chapter charges $3 (most charge under $5) and there are ways to earn back your $3 and even win or earn other prizes. Each week, we pay a dime fine for every pound gained, and the "biggest loser" that week takes home all of the dimes. We do other little contests like exercise contests where for every day you exercised at least 20 minutes for the week you get to enter a slip for a drawing. Every 4 weeks we draw from the bucket for a winner of a small prize (so the more you exercised the more chances you have to win). Every chapter runs things differently, but most involve fun games and incentives. There are also recognition events that a person can go to. All chapters give out yearly awards for weight loss, some even give trophies (each club has it's own treasurer, so chapters vote on how to use the money. Chapters with more members may have more funds to use for prizes, trophies....)

The members (mostly women) get really close, and email each other and send notecards for support. The games keep the meetings fun and really stir up a friendly competitive spirit. It's social club, weight loss class, support group and motivational exercise all in one. Next week our chapter secretary is doing a program in which we're going to all weigh in and finish the meeting with a field trip to a grocery store for a "scavenger hunt." The management of the store gave us permission and is "glad to have us" we've been told. We're going to break into small groups with our scavenger hunt sheets with tasks like "which cereal has the higest fiber count..." but we're all meeting together to take on the snack aisle. Anyone who doesn't feel comfortable participating doesn't have to, they could just go home, but it sounds like everyone in our group is excited about it.

If this program goes well, I'd like to do a program on geocaching. We could all meet at a local park and hubby and I could bring our gps (if hubby can find it, or when we buy a replacement) and show everyone what a cache looks like, and how to find one. Because there are very overweight and elderly members, we'd pick one of the cache's that is a short walk and a handicapped accessible trail (The first cache hubby and I attempted was only fifteen feet from the street).

Anyway, just an option. The tops.org website can be used to find local chapters and can give her a "taste" of the organization to see if it sounds interesting to her.

My mom has "tried" to lose weight for 40 years and, if you ask her, she'll joke that she's lost 1,000 pounds -- every 40 pounds lost was gained back and then some

I lost quite a bit of weight when I moved out of her house and to be honest, I feel she was resentful of my accomplishment. I was young and it seemed easy for me and she struggled and seems to have given up. I also felt terribly guility that I was losing weight and she was not. I've since learned I can offer help, but her weight is not my responsibility.

Unfortunately, I gained 100 pounds and am in the same boat as she is again. However, speaking from experience -- no one can help you lose weight if you don't want to put the effort into it. You can't make your mom change her habits -- she has to be ready.

But, your father/family can help her make better choices -- if you father/family eats healthier, your mom can't use them for an excuse to buy junk food. If your family does outdoor activities together, she can't help but get exercise (I sneak this on my 8 year old a lot -- it's not "exercise" if they are having fun!!)

Tell her you love her, tell her that you'd like to help her IF she ever wants your help to lose weight, but that no matter what, you love her. Then get off her case!

Make sure you have plenty of healthy, nonfattening snacks in the house, and offer them to her when you get some for yourself.

Be an example, but do not try to push anything.

Imagine how you would feel with the people in your house trying to change you all the time. Not cool.

She will or she won't. Love her no matter what.

Jay

As others have mentioned, there really is very little you can do to motivate a person who is not ready to lose weight on their own.

You could suggest things without making it seem like you are trying to get her to do something about her weight(which only makes most people feel embarrassed and/or defensive it).

As others have mentioned, you could offer to cook dinner here and there.

Or , try asking your Mom if she'd like to join you for a quick walk around the block. (Long distances may be too initmidating, since obese people have a hard time with physical activity.) If you say something like "I want to get some fresh air and I'm going for a 10 minute walk. Wanna come?"

If she's game, then that's great! If not, try again the next day. If you take the focus off weight-loss, and instead put it on just getting out of the house for a few minutes, then your Mom might be more responsive to it. And if you can get her to do some walking for even just 10 minutes a few days a week, she may begin to like it and want to do more on her own.


I also know from experience how hard it is to try and get someone to change their unhealthy habits. My Mom was a smoker for most of her life, and from the time I was about 11 years old and learned about the dangers of smoking I was always trying to get her to stop.

I pleaded. Showed her statistics & pictures of lungs with cancer. I tried to guilt her. I tried reasoning with her. Nope. What she always said was basically "I know all about it. I'll quit when I'm ready."

Eventually she did, and I had nothing to do with it.

I think of weight loss as being pretty much the same: you can beg, plead, bully, reason, and harrass someone about it until you are blue in the face, but until that person is ready to make the changes necessary there really is nothing you can say or do that will convince them.

thank you all for your great advice My mom and dad actually went to Spain last night and wont be home for another two weeks so I haven´t tried any of the tips. But when she comes back I will definitely invite to go on walks with me just to bond and get some fresh air. We also live in a very beautiful place next to the sea so it will definitely be fun to go on walks together. I´m also going to cook dinner more something healthy and delicious and I´m sure she will just be relieved because there is a lot of stress on her right now because her company is expanding. ( she is not in Spain on vacation but a work trip) But fortunately she quit smoking half a year ago which I am REALLY proud of !! especially after trying to get her to quit for a few years, but then she just found it in herself and has quit! so hopefully something similar will happen about weight-loss and being healthy