Rant over

A professional can help you. I hope your doctor is able to refer you to a good resource.

Absolutely, a doctor or therapist can help you. But I think it also sounds like you already know the best cure

You are not a total loser outwardly or inwardly. You have a lot going for you! You are a beautiful girl, with a great brain! You mentioned doing volunteer work. I think that is a great way to find a way out of your own brain (that's what I call it when I get in that awful nothing matters place.) Maybe finding a way to use your degree and help people, maybe children? Do they have big brother / big sister programs there? Can you volunteer to help tutor? I bet a school counselor would jump at the chance to have a psch major help them out AND it would look good on your resume. But it doesn't even have to be that obvious...you can use that knowledge anywhere people are hurting. Heck, I bet you could do a lot of good for people right here on the boards

Oh, and I hope you keep going with the art classes! I know that if I get buried in work and don't have time for a creative outlet, I get wacko.

They don't have to be your age to be friends you know. I'm 40 and I have friends from college students to 75 year olds. Not saying you are wrong, just hoping you will look outside the box.

Yep! Get that referral!

You suffer from something I suffer from--namely we are both too smart for our own good sometimes. We can "figure stuff out" and are so mentally swift that we can probably think or talk rings around others.

Only, it doesn't make things better to do that.

Sigh.

What helps is to listen to what other people have to say and to follow suggestions.

Oh yuck, not that. Well, yes.

Your thinking says that if you are not perfect, then your are a loser. And you will never be perfect. Therefore...

So, the way out is to learn to think differently, and it starts with watching your thinking and not just letting it sweep you away like the tide. A therapist can possibly help you with suggestions about this.

In the meantime, you are doing good things! And that IS meaningful to those you help, even if not to you.

Cheers, dahlink Emily! Hang on! Steady as she goes!

Jay

Don't despair. A therapist could help -- and it's not ironic for psych majors to need those resources. As a psych professor, I think lots of students are drawn to the major because they want to understand themselves or others.

Anyway, a lot of elements of your post remind me of myself at your age. I didn't have it all together by a long shot and it came out in all kinds of negative ways. I guess I hope it helps you to know that things can get better...

I certainly don't have an answer for you but I do have a suggestion, though it may sound completely lame, I don't know.

Is there any possibility for you to spend some time doing something like volunteer work or something else where you're completely focused on other people? I see that you try to improve yourself and keep your mind occupied through art, dancing, and reading, which are all wonderful, but is there any way you can throw some focus onto others? I certainly don't do enough of that myself, but I noticed when I became a teacher three years ago that I became much happier because I could focus on the kids and I didn't have to obsess about myself all the time. Also, focusing on other people's problems can sometimes make us feel better about our own -- I don't mean feel superior or anything; I just mean that sometimes it makes us step back and say, "Hey, why am I obsessing about calories?"

This may not make any sense and it may sound like I'm belittling what you're going through, and that is not my intention. It's just a suggestion. Regardless, I wish you the very best.

Hey KIDDO! I prayed for you today, while I was getting my teeth cleaned at the dentist. Thank-you for helping my pass the time!!

Sweetie, I don't understand all the issues that go along with your disease, but I do know that a person cannot think of two things at once. I have had pain in my life, at 53, sometimes I thought I wanted to die...boy was I ever wrong! I have had so many great experiences after those tough times. I have found that if I focus on something good that I can't think about the bad or hurting things.

I am not here to smother you with religion, but for me...and I speak only for me...I have found that Jesus Christ is my rock. As long as I look to Him and His word I have something that will forever sustain me. Life will not always be easy....but with Jesus I know I will conquer it!

Many of the things you suggested to help you get through your battle are wondwerful...but they are temporary...Jesus is FOREVER.

You may PM me anytime...as you already know.

I pray my Lord and Savior blesses you richly today and everyday! ~ Gary

Aww, Emily. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I'm glad you were able to talk about it here though.

I think getting a referral is a great idea. Hopefully you will find someone who you can speak with and start healing yourself.

You are a bright young woman with a great future ahead of yourself. The teenage years and early adulthood are difficult ones for many, many people. Most in fact. There's just so much "stuff" to sort through. I'm glad I'm through them, I don't know how I would get through them now that I'm in my forties. But somehow we all manage to. It's so good that you are recongnizing that you need help to get through this period. And get through it you will.

Im just gutted I wont ever DO anything significant. I feel life is only worth living if I do something truly wonderful that I'll be remembered for on a wide scale. Otherwise why bother?

thankyou everyone.

I just cannot logically accept the existence of god, many philosophical arguments I went through in college and nothing in my mind can really counter them

Hullo Emily! Any luck with getting a referral from your doc today?

Hmm. Yah, that was interesting!

Went to Dr, talked throughmy epilepsy meds, etc. She took my blood pressure etc, and weighed me. I said *can I not know* and she complied.

HER: Do you have a problem with your weight? (as in,controlling it)
ME: No, and I know I'm not overweight, but I have poblems with my eating
HER: What kind of problems?
ME: Restriting, then bingeing, occasional purging, I was anorexic when I was younger..(is cut off)
HER: Bingeing..what kinds of food, anything in particular?
ME: It can be nything...(is cut off)
HER:**moves onto talk about my meds/epilepsy etc, completely ignores it**

Well who can blame her? I dont have any *outwardsigns*...nice low blood pressure, in healthy weight range, I hold down an education and job, why should she givvadamn?

Lets face it..people dont really GET/understand EDs unless theyve had one, especially if you arnt 70lbs and nearly dead.

not angry cos I'm not surprised!

I'll be angry with her then. She's your GP, she should be looking after you, she should hear what you're saying. That's what the NHS is for. Maybe you'd used up your 8 minute appointment though. That cutting-off thing is so frustrating. I sometimes think doctors don't know the basic rules of taking turns in conversation.

Is there anyone else in the practice you could see? Someone who is interested in mental health? (The four or five doctors in my practice seem to be interested in different things, you know, children, skin, mental health, women. I try to pick who I see for different things though no-one's specially interested in sinuses... but that's another frustrating story.)

You could have another go with someone else.

Was the private therapy any good? Are you somewhere it's easily available?

EMILY ~ I think many of us here are ever-recovering from ED's. You remind me of a younger self as well. Very bright, pretty, and ultra analytical, I might add. So, how did I, am I, overcoming this ED? It was and is a process, not one specific thing ... sorry dear ...

Over the years, I have learned to focus on things outside myself; and by now you may be getting sick of hearing that theory, but in practice, it works! My mother used to call it ... NAVEL GAZING! You start doing this when you are small, but as you get older, you branch out and eventually you could be 'STAR GAZING' instead.

Yes, my FAITH has helped me along the way; so I don't really intellectualize about GOD or JESUS; my Faith is based on a HOPE and a BELIEF in a higher being, a higher power, a higher beauty, and a higher life ... outside of that small world, I call, 'MYSELF'!

You have accomplished so much already in such a short time, that you think that you haven't done anything worth while yet; but, you are just beginning baby, you have a long way to go ... yes, you could do something great for this world and the people in it, but first you must go thru the preparation phase! That is ... thru an education and life experience, which equals true wisdom.

You don't know what your future holds for you; maybe, that is your impatience speaking, or just youthful angst. Maybe you could be a teacher down the road; maybe you should consider travelling, and seeing and learning about how other people live, just to give yourself a more experiential impression of life in this world, not one just based on books.

Like EZ says, you can't think of two things at once; if you are focusing on someone/thing outside of yourself, you will have less time to obscess about food and your weight. Maybe food has just become the vehicle by which we obscess about 'self'; sorry, I don't mean to be insulting or anything: I mean this just as much for myself as you, ya know.

Yes, I have struggled with my mind's eye over my life-time; I think many of us do; and the smarter one is, this can be so magnified. So, you need to find something, anything, at this point, that can fill up time, take time, use up time, whatever.

The best way we know of, so far, is ... helping others and that can be thru volunteering or teaching. It may take you a while to find your niche, but keep looking for it. Did you have anything special that you loved to do as a child? You may find a hint there ...

ANYWAYS, as time goes on I am learning where I made my mistakes and now how to correct them, one day at a time; sure, I wish I had learned all this earlier but, life is a journery, not a destination. My mother used to say to me, that I was like 'a salmon always trying to swim upstream'; I wanted to understand everything, know everything, be everything, do everything, etc when I was still very young. In too much of a hurry, to just live ...

Don't know if any of this helps you EMILY, but I hope so. You remember the old joke, "How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb ~ only one, if it really wants to change!" It may be difficult to find a therapist who specializes in ED; but, if you can ever get a handle on it for sure, you might become one of the best ED therapists on this earth someday ...

ROSEBUD

Hey Cousin,

There is one approach that hasn't been tried with the doctor, which is that one says clearly and loudly to him or her,

"I would like a referral to a therapist to talk about my eating problems."

In other words, don't wait for the almighty doctor to suggest it, because as you see, sometimes they don't.

Keep trying on this! Don't let the doctor's lack of picking up on things deter you from getting what you need. And, if the dr. offers no help, keep looking elsewhere for a good therapist. I know you can find one if you want one!

And, Cousin, I have to tell you that 99.99999% of people on the planet will not make any Earth-shaking contribution that will cause them to be remembered on a wider scale. But, I can also tell you that 99.99999% of people can have moments of joy, of understanding, and of helping others to have joy and understanding. This is the important thing. It's really about our actions in the moment, no matter how small or insignificant we may think they are. I am delighted to know that you are going to do volunteer work on Christmas Day, for instance. It is a Good Thing.

Well, keep hanging with us, Emily... We're here!

Jay

Cousin, you know that phrase "be the change you would like to see in the world"? It's not even remotely done by one person, to me, at least. Collectively I feel we all are significant in many ways. So even if you may not think you do some "signficant" things in the terms you used to define significant, you might actually be in ways you could never imagine to other people!!!