Thanks, everyone

I have thought about seeing someone for more of a therapy type of thing, but I don't think it's covered under my insurance (fabulous HMO), plus I went to see someone when I was in college, and it became basically the stereotypical "it's all your mother's fault." I don't think I'm technicaly depressed since these moments are pretty fleeting--I'm typically very positive and upbeat, and am even already feeling a bit better here this afternoon I KNOW that I have a great job, I'm engaged to a good guy, I make a good amount of money for someone my age, I have a supportive family...things are going pretty well for me. Honestly, I think I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of "for the rest of my life" due to Jeff's and my recent engagement. It's what I wanted and had been hoping for for over a year, but I didn't know before what kinds of thoughts would start running through my head once I got that ring!

And you're all right about the nutritionist as well--I am 99% sure the nutritionist won't be able to tell me anything I don't already know, but I discussed with my regular physician what I wanted, and that's why she referred me to the nutritionist. What I'm seeking is yet more help in keeping me accountable. I'll have regular "check ups" with the nutritionist to monitor my progress and be able to ask any questions I have and whatnot, plus they will be able to more accuratley track other health factors beyond just what the scale says (like monitoring my high triglycerides and borderline-high blood pressure and above-normal fasting glucose and such).

Oh, and I don't have seasonal allergies--never have. No congestion, headaches, watery eyes, itchiness, or anything else for me, thank goodness! And major credit to those who DO suffer from such things--I'm such a baby about having a stuffy nose

Oooh, and I sort of involved my coworkers in my effort today. It happened in such a casual way that it wasn't a big deal, which was really, really nice. One of my coworkers is currently on Phase 1 of Fat Smash, and everyone sort of checks in with her each day to see how she's doing. One of the guys I work with today mentioned that on Monday, he's going to start watching his diet as well (he's not heavy, but he's been eating a lot of fast food and junk lately, so he wants to begin a more heart-healthy food plan), so I kinda chimed in with, "Monday sounds good--I'm going to start eating healthier, too." So everyone knows my intent, plus we're all sort of trying to eat healthier, so we can all work together to keep each other on track during business hours.

AND (sorry, I just keep going!) I had a brief online conversation with Jeff about how I feel like absolute garbage and about some financial stuff, so we'll talk about that more in person maybe tonight, so at least it's been brought up and won't be coming out of nowhere for him.

Okay, I think I'm done now--sorry this was so long! You guys are great. I sat here this morning thinking about how I think it's been over 3 years since I first joined 3FC, and I'm right back where I started. By this time, I should be INSPIRING people rather than just spewing information. It's time to become that inspiration

You already inspire me Jill!!!

And as a fellow NOVA-ian, and early 20 something I gotta say I hear you on the finacial stress. Why does everything up here have to cost so much!? and for that matter why does traffic have to be so bad...? But that's another rant.

I'm totally cheering for you!

Jill, I don't have any answers for you other than what has been said. Those posting before me have come up with some great ideas and I hope they work for you.
My only observation is that whenever I have read your posts, you do come across as so positive, so self-assured, and so smart! I very much enjoy what you post and look forward to what you have to say. I hope you continue posting often. What I see in your this post is vulnerability. It makes you human, because we are all on shaky ground at one time or another. Some days I can feel like I am commanding the world and can do anything. Other days I feel like crawling into a hole because I feel so inept and out of control.

I guess what I'm saying is that you are very much admired here and if you are going through some tough times, I know there are so many that want to help you and be there for you! Count me in as one of those people! Hang in there and take care of yourself... with help!

Hey Jillybean! Been away--just got back and read your post.

In boxing matches (real boxing, not that stupid ultimate fighter stuff) they have a round of boxing, and then the bell rings. The fighters go back to their corners, where they sit down, get water, get attended to, and rest. These fighters have NOT quit!

This is like your decision to take a step back and to get some help. You have not quit, you are still in the battle, or in the running, or working on it, or whatever words you would like to use.

It's interesting what you said in one of your later posts on this thread:

When I read your first post, the thought that went through my mind had to do with exactly that. Maybe you aren't ready yet to buy a house. Maybe you aren't ready yet to get married. Maybe on some level you are feeling rushed and afraid. Those are the kinds of questions to explore with a counselor.

I'm sorry you went to a therapist who wanted to go back into childhood and make it mom's fault--I think you just got a bad one! Try someone else--don't let one experience put you off from trying again. Clinical psychologists are often the best--licensed social workers, next best. I don't have any experience with MHC's (mental health counselors) but don't rule them out. I don't think much at all of psychiatrists--they are only interested in chemicals, it seems. But it all comes down to the individual.

Jilly, take care! Keep us updated!

Jay

JayEll said what I was thinking - and just didn't feel comfortable putting out there. I know, Jilly, that you've said that your SO is a wonderful guy, that your life together is what you've always wanted, and that the engagement was something you'd waited for.
BUT, coming from my perspective - of age and experience, if you'll excuse the presumption - sometimes, just sometimes, what we THINK we want, or what we think we SHOULD want isn't what we want at all. Jilly, despite the obvious intelligence and the self assurance that you've always projected here, you are still very young. You've made some decisions that have extremely far-reaching implications for the rest of your life. Being heavy has been a part of your relationship with your SO, and not being heavy can often change the dynamic considerably. I think you're absolutely on the right track in taking a step back, as you've indicated you're doing, but perhaps - just perhaps - that step back should incorporate a look at your total situation and not just your relationship with food and/or self image.
Just my humble opinion.
Know that I am rooting for you - whatever you decide and however you go about dealing with all of this.

Ella

Jill,
I've mentioned before that DH and I are starting to look for an area where we want to live. Fortunately, we both work near each other and live in a less crowded area of the WMA than you do. I do understand your struggles though because even before we moved here, we thought about living in NOVA but we would've had to live in the boonies to afford anything that we wanted and at least one of our commutes would've been horrendous. Anyway, as part of our house hunting search, we go drive to neighborhoods we think would be interesting and take walks. Evening walks are pretty doable even in the summer. I know it mixes two activities at least, house hunting and exercise while also being away from food.

I also have to say that like you, I struggled for years with my weight bouncing around the same 30 lbs forever. I went from 360 to 330 at least 5 times in a period of 5 years. Then one day something clicked and I went beyond that and I've been alternating between maintaining and losing ever since. I do hope you find the help you need to help you go beyond your stopping points and to keep going.