I have been reading through all the post on here and there is only one thing that i don't agree with and that is the idea that 11 year olds are naturally embarrassed by their parents.
My mother was over weight all of my life and it never for a moment even dawned on me to be ashamed of it, but my sister was another story. The day i came home from school and saw my mother crying because my sister didn't want her to go to her basketball game because she was embarrassed of her weight was a final straw for me. I went into my sisters room and told her that i would not have her making MY mother cry. she was older and bigger than me, but i really didn't care. and honestly me and my sister touched everything in that room including the ceiling, it took my mom coming in to break up the fight. no matter what my age was, i wasn't going to let anyone hurt my mother, not me, not my siblings, not no one.
my mother didn't have to teach me anything special regarding tolerance, because it has nothing to do with it. it had to do with the fact that i loved her and respected her. her being overweight never even entered my mind, i would pin her hair up and decorate it lil pearls like a queen just so she could feel special. thats what you dd needs to realize, u are her mother. mother is the word for God on the lips of all children. my mother passed away 3 days before i turned 19 (28 now) and not a day goes by that i don't think about her and appreciate what she did. sorry i just had to add my 2 cents on this one. :)

Mickey79sf :cry: :hug:

Jay

Sniffffllleesssssssssss. I wish all tweens and teens were like that. Many of us at that age don't realize how much our mothers' really do for us, and how they won't always be there for us :(

Mickey, it was normal for you to react that way, but it was also normal for your sister to act the way she did. It doesn't make it right, or something that a parent (or in your case, a sibling) shouldn't address or correct. It's normal for kids to test limits of all kinds, and it's the parents job to enforce and explain them.

If I had been rude enough to actually say anything, I would have had my butt kicked between my ears. Well, actually, (but worse in my mind) given an endless lecture.

My parents response to the eyeroll or other signs of being embarassed in public by them was for them to truly givem e something to be embarrassed about. When I wiped off a kiss my father had given me in front of my friends and followed with an eyeroll, he laughed and asked really loudly, "you didn't like my kiss?" Then he licked my face like a dog would have, and asked "how did you like that one?" Of course, my friends laughed and I REALLY was embarassed, but I did learn my lesson.

As of right now, I'm not sure 11 is an age where sensitivity reigns in mind, if you know what I mean... spoiling the children won't make them more loyal. I think teaching the child what it means to connect with a mother is really how to fix the bonds. I will tell you that I didn't start to appreciate my mother and all the things she did for me until I was 17-18 years of age. It really takes time to adjust to these things. Also, when kids are around adolescent youth, they tend to worry about their appearances over anything else. The last thing they want to do is to be singled out by their friends or members of a clique. They don't regard important issues like mommy-daughter bonding, but worry more about their friends. I've been through this stage for a while and now I see it to be absolutely absurd (yet, every kid during that time period will certainly act that way in some form!).

I think maybe i was just raised a lil different :D. I never really put much stake into friends in school because we have such a large family and we all live within blocks of eachother. so every b-day party was family and sleepovers were with family. i never (thank GOD) got caught up in the peer pressure thing. I will admit though, peer pressure just wasn't in my character to begin with. My sister, that was another tale, she lived and breathed based on what her friends said. and i was the lil sister who used to curse her friends out when the came to the door if i didn't like what they said ( they all thought i was spunky and funny as **** :devil: ) I guess i never really understood the whole high school mind set, even when i was in it. sorry for the sensitive response:o but it always gets me when i see a mother not being treated right by someone she carried for nine months. far as im concerned dd still owes rent money for those months :lol: thanks for the hugs all :hug:

Heather,

You've got some great advice here :) I would also like to recommend a book for your teen to comb over:

Real Gorgeous: The Truth About Body and Beauty by Kaz Cooke

Here's some blurbs on it from Amazon. It's a really good resource for teens (heck I read it when I was 30+ heh!)

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com
Kaz Cooke knew women needed a book that cut through the confusing and cruel messages about body image, beauty, eating disorders, diets, and cosmetic surgery. "Mostly, we needed a book that wasn't trying to sell us anything except self-confidence and the truth," says Cooke. "I couldn't find one so I had to write one." Written in the spirit of life, liberty, and the pursuit of body acceptance, Cooke playfully challenges some of the most oppressive misogynists of the 20th century: the beauty, fashion, and diet industries. Simultaneously funny and reassuring, Cooke boldly asserts her opinions and research on push-up bras (they dig and hurt), cellulite (it's a cosmetic company-induced condition, not a medical condition), and fashion models ("some of the most insecure, tortured souls around"). The cartoon illustrations offer comic and compassionate accents to this poignant discussion.

From Publishers Weekly
Australian filmmaker and newspaper columnist Cooke shoots as straight from the hip as Dr. Ruth when discussing body image. Although her jocular tone and clever cartoons often make this book more appropriate for young teens than adults (e.g., "Like a little old caterpillar programmed to become a butterfly, our grown-up shapes are already decided before we are born."), her no-nonsense pronouncements on the ultimate uselessness of moisturizer and the eating disorder-inducing tactics of the fashion industry are wonderfully refreshing. Some of this ground has already been covered, but Cooke's irreverence is all-inclusive: she reels off statistics and examples (particularly damaging are quotes from fashion magazines); doesn't wince from explaining why, scientifically speaking, "No cream or lotion in the world will firm or shape or enlarge or reduce your breasts"; and even supplies practical advice on how to deal with (or answer back to) people who feel compelled to comment on others' bodies. Cooke tries to be funny and very often succeeds, but she is never coy or condescending, and there is plenty of serious stuff mixed in with the cheery advice. Dissections of advertisements and their phony techno-speak are priceless, and her cartoons have the same mordant wit. A complete list of resources rounds out this hefty, funny reference.

Best wishes and good luck! God knows I made my parents' lives a challenge when I was a teen. She sounds like a good egg though and that she and you will come out closer on the other side of this :hug:

My younger brother and I were adopted. He went through a rebelious stage, and I really didn't (well, maybe I did, but it was pretty mild and not until after college, when my mom still wanted me to be as dependent as a 10 year old). Our younger sisters entered the family the traditional way. I was 16 when my first sister was born, and 18 for the second. The older one also didn't and still doesnt have a rebellious bone in her body, and the youngest is all spit and vinegar (and although they're both under 5, her boys are showing the same personality pattern).

The most memorable part of my childhood was being told, by relatives and strangers, how grateful we were "supposed" to be that my parents "took us in." (I was adopted at one month old, and my brother, not biologically related, at 2 weeks old). To me, it meant that I was different than "normal" kids (which I already was, because I was also fat), and that I was a really terrible person if I was angry at my parents, or even if I took them for granted a little, like "normal" kids were allowed to. I thought my little brother was satan-spawn, because he caused my parents so much trouble. He turned out fine, by the way, and my parents are very proud of him. He recently retired from the Navy and has two satan-spawn himself (only his youngest child is the easy-going obedient one).


It really wasn't until my sisters were born, and being raised, that I realized that I didn't have to be "extra good" for my parents to love me, and that there really was no difference between how my parents saw their adopted and biological children.

It can be hard being a kid, but it's harder being a parent. Unfortunately no child realizes it while they're a child.

i'm really sorry that this is happening to you.
you need to talk to your daughter; i think this will be difficult. tell your husband about it and ask him to explain to her. she needs to feel your importance in her life and this is bad manners to mock someone on her physival appearance. correct her; after all this is your responsibility.