Sorry, but you might have caused this yourself. Did you help your dd accept people for what they are instead of reinforcing this unacceptable behavior starting as a toddler? I have been morbidly obese for all my children's lives. I now have a grandson and he is not ashamed of me either. I taught my children and my dd has taught my grandson that fat people are as beautiful as thin people. That a person's size makes them no different than a person's color, or gender or how tall they are or whether they wear designer clothing or cast offs. I would not tolerate this behavior. It sounds to me that part of the problem is that you have enough self loathing that you seep out onto everything around you. For heaven's sake, love yourself the way you are. I see you weigh 211 lbs. So what? I have said it a hundred times before and I will continue to say it, if you cannot love yourself fat, you won't love yourself thin. As for the other children, maybe your daughter needs to learn to respect her mother more and stand up for her instead of agreeing with her obnoxious little friends. She sounds spoiled and disrespectful and as a grandmother and mother, I find it repugnant that children are allowed to get away with this nonsense. I would put a stop to it, immediately, period!!!!!

I agree with most of the ladies, you can not put your self on the back burner.
I know balance is the key to everything in life. If you buy something for your daughter why not treat yourself too. Remember you are setting an ex sample, you are a big influence in her life so take of you the same way you take care of her.

I am soo sorry for what you are experiencing with your DD. I have been kicking myself lately for how I treated my mom when I was that age. I was cruel. I wasn't happy with myself so I took it out on the closest person to me, my mom. We are closer know than we have ever been. I would not be who I am today without her. It may take awhile and there will be a lot more pain, but one day she will know. She will kick herself also. Stay strong.

I think it's definitely normal for kids to be embarassed by their parents...fat has nothing to do with it. However, I'd kind of like to make a comment on your statements about her hair, eyebrows, clothes, etc.... Could you be creating a Diva or a snot by all the excess. 11 yr olds (whether they like to admit it or not) are little girls...I think we should not be focusing so much on their exterior. They have their whole lives to develop those complexes...let her be a little girl...even if she fights you on it! I think she'll thank you for it in the long run (and she will thank you because she won't be a self-absorbed snot as an adult if you nip it in the bud now!) :) Good luck!

First off, no 11 y/o isn't embarassed by their parents in some way -- and, not being a fully mindful, considerate adult, there will be moments of insenstitivity when they say things that are hurtful. (Heck, there are even mature adults that do that.)

And I agree with the general tone of the others' comments, you need to make yourself a priority. It is NOT selfish for you to take care of yourself so that you can be healthy & alive to be with your family for many, many wonderful years to come. And if you're obviously giving yourself second-class treatment, that's exactly how others will perceive and treat you.

I'm sure as a mother you've put your foot down many times, this has got to be one of those moments - for your sakes and theirs.

I was so upset when I read your post. I can remember many occasions being embarassed by my parents, but to go as far as hurting their feelings, I would never. I remember many instances of biting my tongue and now am so glad that I did. Granted, sometimes the tongue-biting was out of fear of consequence, but that saved me from saying things I would someday be ashamed of.

If I had made my mom cry, my dad would have left the room and yanked me out of bed and made me apologize right then. I think you need to have a family meeting and set some groung rules immediately. Personally, I'm just as mad at your husband for not disciplining your DD as I am at her. If you came home and found your husband crying b/c of something your DD said to him, would you not confront her about it? I realize that is a hard age, where her friends opinion means the world, but she needs to learn really quickly who her allies are for the long haul.

Thank you all so much for your responses. I do need to make myself a top priority. I have been gradually working at this in small ways. It's not an easy change to make especially in the mind but I am trying. I do bend alot with her as far as her appearance but only because she has been picked on and bullied alot this year at school about "looking like a boy". She has very short hair and is tall (5'1) for her age and lanky looking and she prefers to do "boy things" rather than sit and talk with the girls. She is now trying to change her image with the other girls because she goes to middle school next year and she wants to be "more popular instead of feeling like an outsider with the girls". So I did what she asked with the clothes indulgences, and hair and brows (which honestly she did have a unibrow) because I wanted to help her. As far as teaching her tolerence we do try to. Always have. Fat was a word that was not even allowed to be used to describe someone nor was ugly or stupid etc... We have very strong morals and are pretty strict with our kids about alot of things,but are also very involved in their lives and try to give them room to be who they are. We attend the UU because they teach diversity and tolerence on all levels not just religious. We've been described as modern day hippies more than once by various people (friends and aqauintences) because of our beliefs in respecting all life not just humans and tolerence for all differences and negativity begats negativity (in other words always be positive if you want positive things to happen) etc... . Before this new group of girl friends she was sensitive to others and polite and respectful and stood up for people who were being picked on or tried to be there for them if things weren't going so good. That's partly why this hit so hard. It was totally unexpected. We try not to spoil the kids. Yes there is a tv/dvd player in her room (which she shares with her sister). The tv does not work (it's not hooked up to cable) and the dvd player is only allowed to be used on 1 day of the weekend for no more than 5 hours. The kids own no video game systems, or ipods, or cell phones etc (which also separates her from other kids because about 90% of her 5th grade class has these things and brings them to school, as reported by the school counselor while she was telling me to buy more things for her to help her fit in).
DH did try to make me feel special and he did. He got me a beautiful ring for mother's day and had planned on giving me the day to myself while he took the kids shopping (he hadn't taken them sooner cause our 2 younger ones had the stomach flu all week) well he woke up at about 3 am with the stomach flu and ended up throwing up all day with a 102 fever so I was taking care of him and the kids. He did say he would make it up to me as soon as he feels better. And yes I do make a big deal out of Father's Day. We do handmade presents from the kids and one special store bought gift and I make him a special dinner.
And to reply to the comment about me having so much self loathing that it seeps onto everything....that is a very large assumption to make about a person. I do love myself. I am a good person. I treat everyone around me the best way that I can ( even if they don't do the same). I have very many good qualities and I love unconditionally. And yes I am overweight but whether thin or not I am still a good person. I do not loathe myself. I was simply questioning where this was coming from with my daughter and yes I was feeling down about my weight because of the comment..hence coming to the support forum.
You guys are right about me letting myself go. I never really thought about it to be honest. Doing my hair and makeup seemed so unimportant when trying to get the daily activities done but it really is important and I do need to take that extra time for me. I don't buy clothes because I keep using that old excuse.... when I lose weight...but I do need to at least invest in a couple of pieces that are versatile and pretty so that I can look nice when I go out to town to do the errands and such. I don't really need to be wearing the same clothes that I clean the house in to the store or school.
And I do need to show more self confidence. Ya'll are right about that. I talk to the kids all the time about loving yourself just the way you are. I guess it's time to show them rather than tell them.
I will talk to DH and DD about some of these things. We, as a family, believe that honesty and communication with eachother is key to a being a strong family unit. Thank you all again so much for you insights and advice. It is truely appreciated.

It sounds to me like you have a very good base for your daughter to build on. So this influence is from friends....oh, joy. That, I'm sorry to say, is going to be a battle for several years. I guess my only advice on that front would be to try and explain to her (she won't believe you) that it's better to not fit in with a group of hateful twits than to fit in and become one. She needs to learn, now, how to choose good, special, loving people as friends who will be there when mom DOES get truly embarrassing (you know you will...we ALL do it!) and to stay away from getting to entangled in the hateful, snotty little drama queens that are running the schools (ie. counselors advise to you) these days.

Book recommendation: "Queen Bees & Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends & Other Realities of Adolescence" by Rosalind Wiseman It's a MUST READ to ALL mothers of pre-teen, tween, or teen girls!

Good luck! Let us know how she responds to your talk with her. I'm certain with the qualities you've described as her having prior to these new friends that she is going to be really tearful and sad that you were so hurt. Let her feel it! :hug:

I've posted these on another thread but here's an example of me not taking care of myself. Just to let you know that I truly know where you're coming from. I too didn't feel that it was important to do my hair or my face or wear cute clothes. Now yes I did lose 33 pounds but seriously look at how I was treating myself. The sweatshirt had stains on it and it was my sons...friends...haha! ;P But I never looked into the mirror. My daughter snapped this without me knowing it. The after pic reflects how truly good I feel now and motivated to reach my goal weight. :)
http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a90...h_IMG_5049.jpg
http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a90...IMG_6598-1.jpg

I think your family sounds wonderful. And yes children do start to replicate what their friends say and do. And sometimes it's their way of trying to fit in. I would definately have a heart to heart talk with her. She knows what you feel like because she herself had to do a makeover on herself to feel better about her situation so she'll understand what you are going to do as well. :) Sounds like you have the loving support of a good husband. So you are ahead of many women in your situation. Just come here often for support and get up a little earlier or somehow make that time for YOU. :) I did and I am so proud of myself for doing it. And my daughter seems a little proud of me as well (she's 17) And my older daughter 19 was thrilled after not seeing me for some time. She was like wow you're so skinny! haha!

Keep us posted! ;)

Tina:D

My mom was also fat when i was a child, the kids in my school teased me a lot about it so one day i came home with a note of the teacher that i have punch one girl in the face for making fun of my mom, no one never make fun of her again. Anyway i did feel a little embarrazed of her when i was little, also in my preteen and teen years ( i was no fat) but when time pass you learn what is more important and i love my mommy trought everything, she is my best friend

You have received a lot of great advice -- I also fell into the category of putting everyone before me and its not worth it. Once we start taking care of ourselves its amazing how the rest of the world reacts to us.

I agree with the others you are NOT embarassingly overweight -- no way no how. Some of this was touched on but I will have to repeat and this is up to you and your husband to manage. You have a wonderful little tween on your hands -- she is the princess of the house and testing the water. When my son was 11 (almost 12) was the worst time of our parent child relationship. He kept testing the water and he kept finding out the water wasn't very deep. I would not allow him to get away with too much. It was a lot of hard work and lets face it sometimes its easier to give in than to listen to the whining - but you are not doing the child any favour whatsover. What this created in my son was a very privileged child but he wasn't spoiled -- he was extremely grateful for anything and everything he recieved from us.

You are taking the first step of being here and working on your weight but if you think for one minute that losing weight to make your child proud will work that is wrong wrong wrong. I have travelled this path for too long - took off and put on more pounds than you weigh. I spent many years losing the weight to make my husband proud (he was very critical). It never worked. For the first time in my life I am losing weight for me and I am successful -- I know my ticker shows me with zero loss --- but that is only since joining here. Last year I lost 35 pounds and have kept it off - for the first time in my life.

I wish you luck and please please take to heart what has been said -- it is said with admiration and caring.

When you read people's posts you only have the posts' contents to go by, so you don't get a full picture of what's going on. Your first post really sounded like you'd not only allowed, but encouraged your family to treat you as the family maid and doormat. I wasn't implying that an 11 year old shouldn't be allowed a television in their room (my 5 year old nephew has a small tv and dvd in the room he shares with his little brother), only that your behavior (as described in your post) seemed to put your daughter's whims over your legitimate needs.

In some ways (again, just going by the posts) that the makeover for your daughter, may have actually made her more insecure. "Fixing" the problem by making her fit better into what is socially acceptable, can reinforce the idea that she wasn't "good enough" before. I'm not saying that either of you need to wear ugly clothes and stop combing your hair or embrace the unibrow. Just that it's a time to really stress the importance of developing an appreciation for yourself and others separate from fitting in, and looking good because you want to, not because you feel you have to.

I know others have said, and I agree, your weight isn't really high enough to be the real issue. Your image you present might be (not that you need to change, just because it embarrasses your daughter). I know my Dad was slender, but he would often wear clothes that didn't quite match and shirts 15 years out of style. He was also a bit of a clown (he loved to tease people and make them laugh). I was lucky that my friends loved him, but I was mortified and always afraid he would slip and call me one of his silly nicknames in fromnt of them (they were usually preceded by the title "fat" said in the most loving way). In our house the word fat was used affectionately or neutrally more often than as an insult, so in the family the word had no more impact that the word tall, or freckled. But I was keenly aware that the world did not see it that way.

I really agree that a heart to heart talk would do your daughter good. If she was brought up the way you say she has been, she will feel terrible that her words afftected you so..and in turn know how she made you feel.

Good luck with your girl, and go shopping! I did today LOL and it felt good.

It is always tricky to respond to posts--especially when someone is posting because they are upset. I try to give benefit of the doubt and not make too many assumptions--and stay aware that I don't know the whole story.

That said, posting on a forum does get responses, and not all of those responses are going to apply. That's OK! It's a discussion--as long as people are not being rude or going overboard in some way, it's fine. So the benefit of the doubt has to go both ways. :)

I'm glad to hear that things aren't quite as dire for you, timmyshawn, as some folks thought! It still hurts, though. I hope you can get some closure with your family members about the issue. :hug:

Jay

The kids own no video game systems, or ipods, or cell phones etc (which also separates her from other kids because about 90% of her 5th grade class has these things and brings them to school, as reported by the school counselor while she was telling me to buy more things for her to help her fit in)

Are you saying that the school counselor told you to buy more things to help her fit in? Or that your daughter told you that? The only one of my kids with a cell phone is my high schooler and she needs one since she runs all over creation for track and cross country. I would spew milk out of my nostrils if someone suggested that my 11 year old needs a cell phone. If the counselor told you to BUY her stuff to help her fit in, then the culture of the school is truly twisted. If these new friends that she has are influencing her this way, then she needs different friends. You may be trying to raise her one way, but these other influences are toxic and I think you need to protect her from them.