[brownsugah]

Hey everyone... I just have a load of "stuff" thats been sitting in the back of my mind that I have been wanting to get rid of, and this is the best place I thought of to do so
I remember being around 5 or 6 years old and not being able to sleep. I remember asking my mom to let me go to the living room so I could watch TV with my grandma. She would agree, and when I got to the living room my grandma would open a tin of cookies and let me eat as much of them as I wanted. My mom would come out from her bedroom to get me to go to sleep again, and she would find me eating those cookies and get so upset. She and my grandma would have these shouting, name-calling matches right in front of me and I ended up always feeling guilty. I dont remember how many times that happened but i know it happened a lot and the result of all of this in my 5 yr old mind was that eating anything in front of my mom was wrong and that i had to hide it. My grandma had had diabetes, so I never understood why she had all these cookies in the first place. When I was that young, though, i didnt even really know what diabetes was. I learned when I asked my mom about my grandma and those cookies and she said "you get diabetes when you eat too much sugar, and misery loves company!" My grandma died in 1996.

I remember a singular incident when I had somehow obtained a pack of M&Ms when I was around 8 or 9. I declared out loud to my mom that i wouldnt eat more than 5 a day. But then the second her back was turned I would eat more and more. One day she caught me and I remember the sad, confused look on her face. I really didnt have to hide them from her but i did because i thought it was wrong.

Thoughout my childhood I had always had issues with overeating, bingeing in secret, and hiding food. I remember knowing what the word "binge" meant when I was 10 years old, and telling myself it was the last time I was going to do it. But it never was. I remember being 13 and having my family sit in a circle, rife through my bookbags and pile all the junk food wrappers in the center. I remember it being a huge pile, and my family members never asking why I did it, but only trying to figure out ways to stop it. That never worked.

Now I live alone and I still binge. I remember reading on here once that even though others might not know we binge, they can see the external result of it. I try to keep that in mind. I have not been keeping physically active lately but I do have on-and-off moments when it comes to exercise. I have insomnia and I am taking 22 credits in college. i never realized how far back issues with eating went for me and I just wanted to type it out.

[JayEll]

I am very moved by your story, brownsugah. So many confusing things happened, and no one explained them to you. So, you made sense of it as well as you could.

But you don't have to keep doing what you used to do, you know that. You're not a child anymore, and you have a lot of insight into your behavior and why you do those things. You can USE that insight to help yourself, to tell you the right story--that food isn't bad, eating isn't wrong. You can eat and be happy, without hiding it, without binging on it. It's OK--you can nurture yourself better now that you're older.

You have a choice about what you do every day. Please make good choices! I believe in you--you are healthy and whole!

Hang in there, brownsugah!

Jay

[FullSteamAhead]

brownsugah, you were just a kid back then! just a kid! Y ou had no idea what diabetes was, as you said. Your grandma's passing away had nothing to do with you or your cookie eating together, it was and issssssss not your fault!

I like to feel in control. If it's one thing that we can feel in control of its our bodies! For me anyways, it didn't help at all if family members scolded me about weight....they were taking control in some way. It's the one thing I felt I had! They were or had control in so many other ways, my body was the one thing they could not control! You mentioned they treid to take control and figure out ways to stop it and it never worked! Of course not!

You came to the right place! THese ladies here are gems! YOur in good hands, do reach out! I do not know exactly what your story is but I feel that your gaining a sense of control, YOU, is of utmost importantce. Then again, when isn't it? I commend you! bravo for reaching out! You took control to come here and write and reach out, keep it up

I hope you continue to write : )

[Gogirl008]

Hi brownsugah- I'm sorry you have to deal with the pain of these memories, but as Jayell said, now this insight can help you to better understand yourself and your food issues. I have a boat load of memories myself. I've been working on changing my unhealthy behaviors this time around. My thinking is if I can figure out WHY I overeat, and how I'm FEELING at that moment, and if I can understand where those feelings came from, then I can try to heal myself. For me, these memories have brought on years of ups and downs in my weight.
There are a lot of books about this. I've done some reading and it's really helped me to understand myself so much more. It's a process. Maybe these memories will really be helpful to you on your journey.