Nice one!!!! :lol:

I'm going to tell the bloke next door - he had his car broken in to a last weekend (CD player gone) and the bloke the other side of him phoned the police.... with EXACTLY the same reaction as your joke.

LOL - I think he might take your joke as really good advice!

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through
Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a
traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood
of
the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,"

says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he
clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she
shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at
the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as
the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the

nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine. She opens the window and
shouts, "Get the f**k off the car!"

A man who had been called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service
asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest
clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice.

"Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his priest, told him of the conflicting
advice, and requested some resolution on the dilemma. "Let me tell you a

story," replied the priest. "A woman, about to be married, asked her
mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel
nightgown that goes right up to your neck. But when she asked her best
friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee,
with a V-neck right down to your navel.'"

Confused, the man asked, "What does all this have to do with my problem
with the IRS?"

"Simple," replied the Priest. "It doesn't matter what you wear, you're
going to get screwed."

Sadly, Dave was born without ears, and though he proved to be successful in business, his problem
annoyed him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up
three interviews.

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting.
But at the end of the interview, Dave asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply.
Dave did not appreciate his candour and threw him out of the office.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy.
But he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Well," she said, "you have no ears." Dave again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.

The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch, he was a young man who had
recently earned his MBA. He was smart. He was handsome, and he seemed to be a better
businessman than the first two put together.

Dave was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?"
Dave was shocked and realised this was an incredibly observant person.
"How in the world did you know that?" he asked.

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied,
"Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ****ing ears!"

SIZE=4]GROAN!!!!!!!!!!![/SIZE]

Where ARE you getting these from??????????[

P.S. Loved the first one so much I am texting it in tiny installments to my daughter on her mobile phone.... LOL She's gonna go nuts!

Loved em!!
just what I need after aday at the British Museum with60 kiddiwinkles :dizzy:
TFIF

DO YOU LIKE PEE SOUP?

Two guys were walking through the jungle and got captured by a group of cannibals. The cannibals put them in a huge pot and start to boil the water. All of a sudden one of the guys started laughing. "What are you laughing about?" the other guy says, "We are about to be eaten!" And the other man replied, "I peed in their soup!"

:lol: :dizzy: :dizzy: :lol: :dizzy: :lol:

They came from the guy at work. Loads of them do the rounds through our email system. No wonder we have memory left for business messages.

Carol

have posted this on another thread but just in case you don't get to see it.....................

According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12 year old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked Ed the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators.....

John Fisher
Arnprior, Canada

made me smile

:lol:

Janey

The Facts Of Life


Love is grand, divorce is a hundred grand.

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember,
amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels
so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get
run over if you just sit there.

Politicians and nappies have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.

There will always be death and taxes;
however, death doesn't get worse every year.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

A day without sunshine is like night.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers,
but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

The real art of conversation is not only to
say the right thing at the right time,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at
the tempting moment.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells
live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age
comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.

And this one is the real truth, so pay attention:

You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
you grow old because you stopped laughing.

READ THE LAST FEW LINES!!
 

Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy
family.

The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's
guest room.

Instead the angels were given a small space in the cold basement.

As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in
the wall and repaired it.

When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied, "Things
aren't always what they seem."

The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but
very hospitable farmer and
his wife.

After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep
in their bed where they
could have a good night's rest.

When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and
his wife in tears.

Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the
field.

The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel how could you
have let this happen?

The first man had everything, yet you helped him, she accused. The
second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you
let the cow die.

"Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied.

"When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold
stored in that hole in the wall. Since the owner was so obsessed with
greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he
wouldn't find it."

"Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came
for his wife. I gave him
the cow instead.

Things aren't always what they seem."

Sometimes that is exactly what happens when things don't turn out the
way they should. You just need to trust that every outcome is always to
your advantage. You just might not know it until some time later...

Ladies Prayer
 

Now I lay me
Down to sleep.
I pray the Lord
My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles
Please no bags
And please lift my butt
Before it sags.
Please no age spots
Please no gray
And as for my belly,
Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.

Foot Note:
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people
will think we're nuts.

Office Life
 

A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
> than
> > > the British or Americans.
> > > (B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer
> fewer
> > > heart attacks than the British or Americans.
> > > (C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
> > attacks
> > > than the British or Americans.
> > > (D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer
> > fewer
> > > heart attacks than the British or Americans
> > > (E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that
> > > kills you.
> > >
> > >

I just sent that last one to my Brother in Law who was yesterday signed off work for yet another a month having been told that he is 'on the brink of having a heart attack' - Maybe he needs to start learning a new language double-quick!!