Hi Ladies,
I got this email today through flylady that penny was telling us about. I thought it would help some of us. After you see the questions she goes through each of them and explains them. It is very interesting reading. Enjoy and let me know what you think.
Dear Friends,
For two weeks I have been mulling over an essay, it seems that the
only way I can address the questions in my head is to just come on
out with them and see where my writing takes me. It is kind of like
chasing a rabbit trail to see where we end up. This is a very tough
question that we all need to look at from time to time. So here goes.
What is the value system that you base your self-worth on? I don't
know, but let's just examine them and let it take us where it can. I
may not be able to answer this question, except for me. Each of us
knows our own heart.
I have looked my my self-worth and came up with lots of questions.
1. Do I value myself on my job?
2. Do I value myself because of my husband's job?
3. Do I place value on myself because of my children's jobs?
4. Do I value myself on how I look?
5. Do I value myself on how I act?
6. Do I value myself on my clothes?
7. Do I value myself on my portfolio?
8. Do I value myself on how much I saved when I shopped?
9. Do I value myself on how much I can spend?
10. Do I value myself on how much I earn?
11. Do I value myself on how much more I earn than my spouse?
12. Do I value myself on my church work?
13. Do I value myself on other volunteer jobs?
14. Do I value myself on how my house looks?
15. Do I value myself on what kind of car I drive?
16. Do I value myself on what kind of house I live in?
17. Do I value myself on where I live?
18. Do I value myself on how I purchased my furniture?
19. Do I value myself on good grades in school?
20. Do I value myself by my friends?
21. Do I value myself on my hair?
22. Do I value myself on my nails?
23. Do I value myself on how well I do one thing, Motherhood?
24. Do I value myself on how well I do a sport?
25. Do I value myself on how much weight I have lost?
26. Do I value myself on how punctual I am?
27. Do I value myself on how I manage my time?
As I have been writing these questions down, it has occurred to me
that it is not a bad thing to take pride in what I do, it is only a
problem when I establish one thing as the currency for my pride.
Too much of a good thing can be bad for you! Now I want to address
all the questions.
1. Do I value myself because of my job?
Some people are their jobs and when they retire their lives are so
sad because their foundations have been based on this job. It could
be their value is based on the size of the company that is built!
2. Do I value myself because of my husband's job?
This job can give us status in the community. We have to be careful
about this. Your husband is not his job.
3. Do I place value on myself because of my children's jobs?
Can you hear someone saying my son is a doctor, lawyer, etc? But that
does not make us who we are.
4. Do I value myself on how I look?
It is OK to have pride in how you look. I teach this, but if it takes
you hours to get ready to walk out of the house then look inside for
this answer.
5. Do I value myself on how I act?
My Granny always said, "Pretty is as Pretty does! If you do right
then people will do right by you." This is one of value systems I had
instilled in my soul as a child. But the other side is a Miss Goody
Two Shoes attitude that I can do no wrong. This can be unhealthy too.
6. Do I value myself on my clothes?
We all deal with peer pressure on name brands. Do you think you are
only dressed when you are wearing someone's brand?
7. Do I value myself on my portfolio?
Is your self-worth actually built upon your value of your retirement
plan? If so you have had a lot of struggle with the stock market
since your world has been shaken. Look at what happen in history with
the crash of 1929. You are not your portfolio or how much money you
make any more than you are the sum of the value of all your stuff!!!
What are your real assets anyway?
8. Do I value myself on how much I saved when I shopped?
I am guilty of this one. When we value ourselves on what we save:
then passing on a bargain is next to impossible. We are prosperous in
proportion to what we can do without.
9. Do I value myself on how much I can spend?
Do you have ready cash that you can just blow without any thought to
a rainy day? Does spending money make you feel powerful? Does your
credit card limit give you pride? Watch out you may find yourself in
debt up to the eyeballs with this value system.
10. Do I value myself on how much I earn?
If you are not working and making money do you feel less of a person
because you are not contributing to the household. If you are working
and making money, does this some how make you a better person than if
you were not working and making money? Are you always scheming to
find other ways to make more money? Is there ever enough money? Could
there ever be??? This hits right to core!
11. Do I value myself on how much more I earn than my spouse?
Now this attitude I have had thrown at me by an ex-husband, "I make
more than you, so your opinion doesn't count." Do you secretly keep
tabs of who makes more in your home? Or do you openly play this
game? What value system are you teaching your children?
12. Do I value myself on my church work?
Doing good works is a commendable thing, but doing it to be seen in
the eyes of man is not. Think about your reasons for doing things: I
had to once and it was a big eye-opener for me. Examine your heart.
13. Do I value myself on other volunteer jobs?
I have heard myself in the past list my volunteer jobs as if they
were a badge of honor. If they are taking away from your family and
you, then their value structure needs to be examined.
14. Do I value myself on how my house looks?
When your home is messy do you feel worse than when it is clean about
yourself? I know what you are going to say, because I believe that
all of us have this problem or we would not be searching for the
answer to our CHAOS. We have to remember that we are not our clean
or dirty homes. As you establish your routines and your home starts
cleaning itself, you are going to catch yourself becoming compulsive
about the cleanliness of your home. Do not fall into the trap of
being fussy and yelling at your family. It is just a house and a
little mess that can be picked up in a few short minutes. This
feeling that the state of your home is in some way how you value
yourself as a person is not a good value system either: We have all
done this and will continue until we really start FLYing. Overly
clean or messy is a symptom of the same lack of love.
15. Do I value myself on what kind of car I drive?
Do you have to have the latest car on the market? Or do you pride
yourself in driving cars until the wheels fall off? Here we go again
there has to be balance. Neither one is good.
16. Do I value myself on what kind of house I live in?
Is it brick or a cabin in the woods? Is it better than what you lived
in as a child or what your parents have? Does it matter at all?
17. Do I value myself on where I live?
As a friend told me the other day: many people base their self-worth
on their zipcode; Do you live on the wrong side of the tracks or do
they? If you catch yourself asking this question then stop and think
about this.
18. Do I value myself on how I purchased my furniture?
We love auctions and I have found that there is pride attached to how
much I paid for this piece of furniture. I wouldn't dare tell someone
what I paid in a furniture store for the same piece, so I have had to
ask myself what is going on here.
19. Do I value myself on good grades in school?
Good grades do not make us anything but smart. Yes it is fine to
praise a child for good grades, but their self-worth is based on so
much more. Do they become less than if they don't understand a
subject and struggle? Having to struggle makes us stronger.
20. Do I value myself by my friends?
Do you have lots of friends or none? Do you feel bad because you
don't know anyone or do you have more friends than you can actually
be friends with. You know what I am talking about: being pulled in
many directions and having squabbles over nothing.
21. Do I value myself on my hair?
Wow this one hits home. My hair used to be down to my waist. This was
23 years ago and my whole self worth was in my hair. Kind of like
Samson; When I got it cut I felt bad about me. We are not our hair
whether it is short and sassy or long and beautiful. It is hair:
Nothing more and nothing less. Now we need to keep it combed and
looking nice so we don't scare ourselves when we look in the mirror
and see our mothers, but don't overdo it.
22. Do I value myself on my nails?
Been there and done that! 11 years ago I had grown my nails long and
kept them painted and manicured because it was part of my job as a
beauty consultant. I couldn't very well sell nail polish without
having pretty nails. The problem came when I would break a nail and
how I would hide my hands so people would not see my imperfections.
How sick is that. When I realized that I was not doing things I loved
because my nails might get damaged then I cut them all off and said
this is for the birds.
23. Do I value myself on how well I do one thing? Motherhood? Staying
married longer than your mother?
What happens when your babies sprout their own wings and leave the
nest? Do you have to deal with empty nest syndrome by overspending to
get them home occasionally or to buy back their attention? What
happens when all your self-worth is bound up in being a mother? Who
are you after they leave home? Don't lose yourself in being just a
mother; you are much more than this honorable profession.
My parents stayed married for 12 years. When I married the first time
my goal was to stay married longer than them. What do we put
ourselves through for these mistaken value systems? What does it do
to our children to see two people going through the motions and not
really loving themselves or each other? How sad to live this way. It
would have been much better for everyone if we had had the courage to
say enough and we all deserve to be happy.
24. Do I value myself on how well I do a sport?
How sad is it that young high school student's best days of his or
her life are excelling in a sport? What have they got to look forward
too? I prided myself in being a good flyfisherman, but that was not
what I was best at. I loved the teaching of flyfishing or shall I say
teaching. I don't have to teach or flyfish any more to have a sense
of pride at what I am good at, but my whole life does not revolve
around this.
25. Do I value myself on how much weight I have lost?
We have all gained or lost weigh in our lives. It was only when I
quit trying to lose weight that my weight stabilized. No more ups and
downs, I am happy with myself. Is your self worth based on your size?
26. Do I value myself on how punctual I am?
Do you beat yourself up when you are late or do you take great pride
in being on time that you continually put others down for their
tardiness? Look at your control issues here on both sides of the
coin.
27. Do I value myself on how I manage my time?
Do you go right by a schedule and you cannot veer off course at all?
How does it make you feel when you don't have time or you cannot make
the time to squeeze something in. Are you rigid, flexible, or overly
spontaneous? There has to be a balance to this or you are not much
fun at all.
As I have examined all of the ways that we can put value on our
lives, I have come to the conclusion that to everything there is
balance. The extremes are not a good value system, but maybe it is
the culmination of all of these characteristics that make us whole
and our value system is not on one currency but many things. Kind of
like a foundation is made up of many bricks and these parts of our
personality are just one of the many bricks that build us up. When
one of these characteristics gets out of whack then our foundation
will begin to crumble. We have all heard that a chain is as strong as
its weakest link. Don't let your foundation of your being be built
upon one brick that can crumble and shake your foundation.
In all my mulling over, I came up with my test for me as to whether
my foundations are on a firm ground. This may not work for everyone,
but this is how I judge myself.
When I lay my head down on my pillow, can I fall asleep easily or do
I lay there and replay the day, dwelling on a problem or something I
may have said. If I cannot sleep or wake up in the middle of the
night with a thought then I have to deal with it. Now don't email me
complaining that you have a sleep disorder and this won't work for
you. I said this is how I judge myself. It is up to you to find your
personal test for your firm foundations.
I want for you what I have; Peace and this peace came from FLYing:
Finally loving Yourself
Sherri
