Good morning, people! At last! Some posts. But it's 4:30 a.m. here and I have not done a thing on the story that i need to have finished now in a few hours. Damn! Yesterday knocked me out and the weekend was a total loss. I at least listened to the tape and realize that he said next to nothing so this is part of what's stopping me. On the other hand, I will embellish and make the article more about things in racing than him. Major pain though.
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Crime girl -- thanks as always for the horoscope. I will read it again and contemplate just how I can get close to it!
Congratulations on your weight loss!! Your efforts paid off and it's so nice when the scale also gives a nod.
I think I want to lose this weight too much. And wanting something too much is never good. Maybe I have to just back off a bit. It's finding that fine line of where the back off becomes just falling off into the abyss of sloth and gluttony! Unfortunately, I don't consider my weight anywhere near "good." OK, it is probably not endangering my health but I I cannot have this kind of body for the things I want to do. I need to be light to ride. The muscle tone needed for dressage is incredibly high and it is hard enough to get when only riding 3x a week but add to it the weight I have to contend with and it is absolute **** to ride. I am in constant pain trying to maintain position. Anyhow, I will try to be more vigilant. I tend to write things down to a point and then too many days I just leave off a lot of things. On the other hand, I don't like to be vigilant. I really want to just relax because I have to be vigilant in so much in my life. It is really not me. All the important things are falling victim to work. I think I would prefer mindless work. Problem is, it doesn't pay. The good money is in work that does involve a lot of thinking. So, I guess I just have to constantly work against my natural tendencies, which is to be real easy-going and just feel, not think! That is what I want, what I have to do is the opposite. And riding is an exhausting mix of emotion. Being at the stable with the horse is relaxing but the riding is such hard work and emotionally it can be draining. My teacher is so strict and almost never says anything nice. I get scared when the horse is freaking out and yet all my teacher ever says is, if you are afraid then you should give up riding. What an idiot. Courage is not the absence of fear, it's doing it despite the fear but to hear something like that when you ARE afraid just makes me want to cry and give up. Yesterday was one of those days. And if I speak to the horse to calm her down, the teacher says, "That will do nothing!" which may be true but ****, maybe I'm talking to calm myself down. What difference does it make what I say?
Crime girl, you are such a sweet and gentle person. I need more people like you in my life. I was just writing to a friend that there is nothing gentle in my days, but you and others here are. One of my problems with guys, always has been, is that I don't perceive them as happy much of the time. And yet, these people seem to choose this or want this. So yes, the guy at work is like that. I don't see him as happy but he seems to be bent on it. Because of whatever problems (from my point of view) in his psyche, it seems he prefers where he is. But this is the problem. I have to stop playing the doctor. If there's one thing I should have learned from now it would be to stop trying to fix things. Yes, I think they are messed up, but when it comes to other people they have to realize it and make the choice themselves. I think no amount of telling them will help. How to be an influence? I don't know. I think I should stop trying to care.
Yes, meeting the Olympic athlete should be more fun but the interpreting is so much work and in the evenings I am usually zapped. My brain doesn't work well and yet I need it too. So, most of the fun goes out of it. I don't like on-the-spot interpreting. And yet the people around me all want to put their two bits in and most of these people don't know how to work with an interpreter and just go babbling off. Maybe this guy will be quieter. Anyhow, it will be fun to be sitting next to him talking. The pictures from the television set are so in my mind, seeing him winning, hearing the interviews (of course I have many more than people outside of Japan because the Japanese TV focused on him.) So to then have him right next to you is like he just jumped out of the television. In fact, I don't think I have this too much. I don't deal with movie stars or such much so it's different. Usually I know the people in person and then see them on TV which is a different feeling. I did go to a press conference once years ago when I was just starting out at the paper. It was for Rainman and Dustin Hoffman and I was sitting in the first row and he kept looking at me and I wanted to ask a question but my heart was pounding like crazy and my mouth went dry and there was no way I could.
Ahh, now listening to Summertime by Janis Joplin. That is the kind of thing right now that make me feel better.
michi -- glad to hear you're still at it. Sorry to hear things are so rough with you. I hope things go more easily for your mother. I do know what you are going through. And with the boyfriend, I am sorry there too that you are being subjected to such drama. You probably did the right thing. If he can't be more understanding at this difficult time for you then perhaps he is not the best match for you. I am very much one for working within a relationship and getting over rough spots but you can't carry another person. There has to be more there. There has to be support. You're right not to get upset over the weight gain. It could be nothing. Two pounds isn't much. Try to walk. It's a great stress reliever too. And keep coming here to us.
stormy -- It sounds like you and I are really in the same boat as far as the scale goes. At least your clothes are looser. Focus on that, as you seem to be doing. I am the opposite. My clothes are tighter although it is a nice tightness which means the muscles are tightening up again I think, which they better be as I do so much. When the muscles are worked underneath the fat you just carry the fat so much better and it feels better. Still, I need to see the fat come off and I think the only way to do it may be shock treatment, which for me means only vegetables and fruit, nothing else. That is so hard but it does bring results. Perhaps if I just throw in a couple days like that each week I will see a difference. It's just I get absolutely no joy out of eating that way. And I never stick with it long enough to experience perhaps a joy from being thin. That is what I have to aim for but I can't remember the feel. It was so, so long ago and only for fleeting bits of my life.
Is it only 15 days to Valentine's Day!? That's so sad. That song is too depressing stormy because the answer is no and a bigger no. That's the problem. And I gave up dreaming a long time ago. That's the even worse part. When dreams are dashed over and over again it becomes too hard to dream again. Maybe if I change the feel from dreaming to just "knowing" I can still do it, get somewhere closer to happiness.. . sigh, sigh.