Michelle: That a great challenge And you are off to a great start. I can't do but 1 mile yet but I'm working on it.

Hello,
Quick check in. I spent some time this morning organizing things at home. Feeling a little less stressed because I have some things in order there.

I sheduled my boss to spend 3 hours with me this morning going over things so I can get some of these questions answered and hopefully feel better about what I'm doing.

Thanks for the reminder to breathe.! I did have a good workout last night and will go to Pilates tonight...I love that class!

Have a wonderful day.
Susie

Good morning all,

Just quick update today. I really want to try to post more often.
My exercise regimen has been pretty good. For two weeks now I've been getting up at 4.45am and hitting the gym, doing 1 hour on the elliptical. I'm getting very much used to waking up, and it's becoming a routine. I haven't changed much with food except to try not to snack much, only "approved" snacks that I bring myself, like applesauce cups and pretzels and yogurt.

I have a bagel, juice and a cappuccino from a mix in the mornings and that holds me over until lunch pretty well.

I am hoping to continue this. One great part - my husband has been going in the mornings as well! He doesn't get moving quite as early as I do, but he usually comes into the gym while I'm on my last 15 minutes and it's cool.
I didn't make my Halloween Challenge, and I want to take the rest of the year to just focus on keeping my schedule of working out, and not focus on the numbers so much.


Hope you all are well!!!

Breathing is essential!!!!

This is a lot and some has been posted before. I have spent a lot of the last tweo days in tears just releasing.

I have worked for years to be in a good place with myself.
Little things creep in and I start to disbelieve everything. My feelings, thoughts, memories, anxieties are all a myth.This is what I have been told over and over by my family.

My Dad stopped by Saturday to pick up an Avon order. He looked tall and handsome and happy, and he is. He is also the same man who told me many times he just didn’t care about me.He is the same man not willing to break into his comfortable life( and golf games) to care for his own mother.And also refused to believe the truth about my aunt’s quality of care. Choosing to blame me somehow for being too emotional about it.

I had myself convinced that I was somehow broken. I also believed that all women went through these experiences as a rite of passage into womanhood.

I have great fear of my own children having the angst and the pain and loneliness and heartache I did for more than 20 years.
I do not want to be the root of their pain.
I know I am not or will be a perfect parent. I hope and pray that I give them enough love and support and guidance to be fulfilled human beings.

Now that I have my own parenting experiences to gage it against. it is even more painful for me. I have clear memories of being my own children's ages. An example is being in Grade 1 and peeing my pants. I was berated for humiliating my family and mother in such a way. How embarrassing.......

Last year when DS was in grade 1 he **** his pants at school several times out of anxiety. I nurtured him and talked to his teacher, found a way to help him.He was never berated for it. I certainly did not take it as an afront to our family.

My experiences were so subtle that my family can fluff me off and they validate each other over and over about how wonderful they all are. They make subtle digs about every one in their lives.

In the recent months i have come to see things differently because of many things.

Maybe I really do exist .

I had the most wonderful day. It has been a wonderful few months really. I want to be happy and fulfilled and it feels so good.I dont want the rug pulled out from under me.

Ah, so my journey in my mind keeps leaping to Christmas day. I really do want to see my family. I have set limits and it feels good and right for me/us. Can I let the whispering and snotty digs and plain dumbass conversation slide past me without being hurt? It is only 3 hours. It will mean the world to my Grandmother and my children. They are real and matter as much as my own life.

I hate that the fam takes up energy. It is worse than it has been for a long time as my kids get older and I have memories of my own childhood. I get so conflicted because my folks are decent people. The are narcisstic , small minded in many ways ,but good people.
I get tired of being misunderstood and disliked.
I think I am pretty wonderful.
The whole convo at the dinner table last year at christmas was about how it was impossible for any online relationships to be real.Every blog/group etc was a scam and everyone online was some deviant trying to get something from you. I came home and read journal/forum posts all night. I know it is their loss to be so fearful and jaded but it hurts that once again I was the family freak who actually believed I had an online friend or even friendS( egads more than one person who likes me). My best friend in the world right now is a woman I met online 2 years ago and chat with daily. My friend B met her for lunch recently and can atest to her wonderfulness.
These are the same people who boycott bottled water because they assume people on the assembly line spit in it.The cup is definitely 1/2 empty.

My father was one of the first people to use a computer in 1960 in Canada. He is in the top of the computer industries on an international level. People have paid millions for his services. Excluding my mom ,the family is all University educated and have always lived in metropolitan centres. The most open minded is my 95 YO grandmother.
I suppose this is what baffles me; but then being brilliant about some things does not necessarily make someone wise about their own emotional life or personal relationships. My parents and aunt have travelled and lived all over the world for the last 30 years. Maybe I am unfair about their "weaknesses" and "small mindedness" about others "lesser" than them in their eyes, and expect too much.

I will take along a pretty jello mold!!! So we can all talk about how pretty it is.

Just when you are feeling a little down something great happens to boost you up. At least I think it is great. I am honestly still getting my head around it. I have been invited as a guest speaker( with 2 others) to talk about my part in our school peace project at the Annual Canadian National Day of Rememberance&Action on Violence Against Women. It is in Memory of the 14 women killed in Montreal on this date( Dec 6).It is in a town 15 min from here hosting for all the rural centres in the area.
I am beyond overwhelmed and it was just assumed I would do it. I think I will but it is a lot to take in. I am having trouble thinking I have anything to offer to this. It is a meaningful event. I am honoured.The motto of the event is “First mourn.Then work for change.” I am speaking on the “work for change” and talking about our project at school and how our goal is to have a community trained in peaceful ways of communication and the potential for the adults these children could become.
There just has to be some worth and value in the handbook I started up and being the pilot school in the Thames Valley school board to be offering the programs we are.

I am going to take my hubby up to the diner for dinner with a gift certificate I got at the auction last week. I will have my helper here for the aft and will ask her to stay with our 2. We need to connect. He has been busy with hockey too.

Good morning,
I got up and made it to curves. With my WATP last night that 3x this week already.
It's a beautiful day here sunny and 60f. I'm sitting her sipping green tea waiting on the temp to get up to 60...LOL
FOOD
B-oatmeal

Holly: The chance to make that speech is fantastic. They made a great choice. Since you are all about change. Making a happy home for your children. You are stepping out of the cookie cutter of your family and giving them the home you want them to have...good job. Being your own individual is not a curse it's a blessing... Just be your self.

Girlie: It's great to hear from you. Sounds like you are doing great.

Susie: Great job on the workout. I still haven't tried Pilates. I am a klutz.
Good luck with your meeting.

Hi, ladies--

I just wanted to pop in and say hi! I read your posts every few days, but the fall was crazy, and I knew I wouldn't be able to contribute regularly, so I content myself with lurking. It's good to see that you are all still on the journey, and so inspirational! Thanks for still being there, Holly, Susie, Debbie, Annie, Girlie, and everyone.

I've been backsliding and off program a lot, so I also set some December goals, too: to do some sort of sweaty workout five days out of seven; to eat on program while out of town (as I will be three times); to maintain, not gain, and to commit to a class or program for the gray months of January or February. I'm still going to Curves, but I wasn't able to walk as much as when my schedule and the weather were more conducive. And the exercise room in my building hasn't been revamped yet, so I don't use those machines--the ones that work, anyway--as much as I could. But my mantra for December will be "no more excuses, no more pounds." Maybe I'll copyright it....

Be well, and keep making good choices!

hugs--judy

Hello,
I'm doing a quick check in at lunch. Feeling much better about the job..except I feel like my brain is fried at the end of the day.

Holly: What a wonderful thing you have been asked to do. I really wish I could be there to hear your speech...I am just beaming with pride for you!

Debbie: I don't think you are as klutzy as you think. You move around a lot at work..so I know you aren't!

Judy: I love the slogan...it's a good one. I put it in my journal.

Girlie: Nice to see you again.

Got to run ladies.

Susie

Hello, Everyone.
45 mins on elliptical and 15 mins on treadmill today.
Breakfast was half a croissant (ouch!), a bagel w/cream cheese and juice.
Lunch is salmon, corn, broccoli and cucumber.

Holly:
Big hugs to you. This sounds strange, but I love your posts regarding your family struggles - of course, not because I like hearing you struggle, but because you're so darn REAL. I've "known" you for quite a while, and I have no doubt that you are the kind, considerate mother that you feel you are. You are so very giving of yourself, and it's a hard thing to do because you can't help but start get get empty if you give so much. But you should constantly find those things that help to fill you up again so you can keep on giving - just as long as it's not food You go, Holly!

Hope everyone is doing well. DH has friends coming over tonite and I may pick up something on the way home. I plan on watching March of the Penguins tonite! I hope it's a nice "feel good" documentary.

Girlie

Hi ladies, Today has been pretty good so far. I got up early and I exercised for an hour, then got my son off to school. I took the girls(ages 3 and 2) for a walk around the block but that was all they could take, it has been cold(30F). Calorie count for today has been 500, so I am planning on 400-500ish for dinner and snack. Keep going and have faith that we can do this!

Girlie~ HUGS dear girl. I AM very real. It can be a downfall in awolrd where glossing things over, lying, covering up, pretending are often the norm, many poeple have disliked, are offended by, intimidated by me etc
It hurts because my heart is wide open all the time.

Earlier someone online wrote this: "I feel compelled to say that these postings can be read by anyone, you know. A reader doesn't even need to be registered. What would you think about hearing what you have posted here being read by your gossipy neighbor out loud in the line at the grocery store? Edit is an Excellent Function".

At least they would be reading the truth and not some jiggled up half truth. I cant imagine feeling i had something to hide from anyone.
Needless, to say I was in tears. I felt chastised for being open and genuine.

Yesterday my Chair from school council wrote to me after sharing my insecurities about speaking tues night: "H, I appreciate the glimpse into your struggles with who you are as a person, as a woman. I also know from my own experience that questioning who I am in the world has softened some of my harder edges, made me more compassionate and led me to a richer partnership with life. While I don't think that self discovery has to be painful, I do think that struggle is a sign of life fighting for expression against the deadening of the status quo. The trick is not to make the struggle the only way we assure ourselves that we have value, I guess that means for me the struggle can lead to a revaluation of who I am, but I need to go beyond the struggle and really accept my gifts/strenths/talents and then share myself to really fulfill the promise of the quest/struggle. I say all this because I think we are a culture with a strange attachment to suffering, I think we find it hard to really truly celebrate ourselves and accept our ok-ness. In this world, joy is the most radical and subversive way of being. For what it's worth, I know you as a woman of deep caring with many strengths and much to offer and I want to apologize for my careless remark to you last night about having a week to figure it out...I had no idea that you were doubting yourself in this way and regret my insensitivity. That you question things (especially yourself) is part of what makes you vulnerable, open to new things and people and I believe that is the greatest and also risky way (but in a good way) to spend our short time here. Sorry to wax philosophic but this is one of my favorite subjects."

Incredible, eh.

I am still trying to accept that these people who are 10 years plus older than me and have incredible careers and obvious eloquence consider me a peer. I just dont feel it. yet........

Good evening everyone,
I had a good day. I walked a lot at work. Then managed to go to curves after work. I've ate op today... strange but op.
B-yogurt, applesauce
L-ww meal, sf jello
D-ww meal, mustard greens
S-1/2 oatmeal raisin cookie

Holly: YOU GO GIRL!! Wow, We are so proud of you.
I agree with Girlie. You just keep being "real". We love you for it.

Judy: WELCOME BACK! It is great to hear from you. We are just raceing on to onederland. Just jump back in.

UPSwife: Good job staying op today.

Girlie: OMG.. I love bagels and cream cheese. YUMMMM
Let us know if the march of the penguins is good. I want to see it. Maybe I'll rent it when dgs comes this w-end.

Susie: Glad you feel better about your job. We spend so much time in the workplace that it's important to be at least comfortable with our job.

Good evening everyone,
WOW.. We were on the back page. That doesn't happen often.
I just got in from work and thought I post before heading to the shower. Girls... I really blew it at lunch today. I ate 41 points at lunch. I only get 28 for the whole day. I went to the mexican buffet. I'm glad I had a very active day.

B-oatmeal
L- OMG... 2 sour cream enchiladas, spanish rice, green chili stew
3 flautas.
D- water

Hope everyone is well.
Later

I did not do too badly today even with a trip to McDonalds thrown in the middle. I had to run around with the kids to find boots. It snowed overnight and I found this morning that none of the boots I had fit anyone!(they grow so fast!!) SO after my son came home from school we went for a trip to the mall. THey were pretty good there, but by the time I found boots for all of them they were pretty hungry and I knew I didn't have anything fast to give them at home, so I caved in and got mickey d's. I did not get a chance to do any extra exercise, but I did chase three kids (5, 3, and 2) around the mall for an hour or two! That counts right???

B-water
L-big and tasty burger, med fries, and med reg coke
D-sf snack bar and water
Total calorie count 1230

Have a great Friday everyone! Time for the happy dance!

My banana's don't want to dance anymore