For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

1. A day without sunshine is like, night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
4. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
7. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
8. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
9. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
10. Remember: half the people you know are below average.
11. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
12. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
13. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
14. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasim.
15. Eagles may soar, but dogs don't get sucked into the engines.
16. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
17. I intend to live forever-so far so good.
18. Borrow money from a pessimist-they don't expect it back.
19. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
20. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
21. Support bacteria-it's the only culture some people have.
22. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
23. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
24. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
25. Experience is somethig you don't get until after you need it.
26. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
27. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
28. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
29. Realize that nomatter what you do, the grocery store check-out line you're in will always take the longest.
30. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
31. Anything you buy will go on sale the next day.
32. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
33. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
34. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
35. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to your ability to reach it.
36. To steal ideas from one person is plagarism; to steal from many is research.
37. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
38. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
39. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
40. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
41. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
42. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
43. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
44. Get a new car for yor spouse-it'll be a great trade!
45. Plan to be spontaneous--tomorrow.
46. Always try to be modest, and proud if it!
47. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
48. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
49. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

As seen in a dog's diary:
8 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite
10 am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
11 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
Noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
1 pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!
3 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
4 pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5 pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!
7 pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
9 pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!

As seen in a cat's diary:
Day 183 of my captivity...
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They
dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only
thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I
get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat
another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving
around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded -- must try this
at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again
induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair -- must try this on their
bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt
to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into
their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat
I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in
solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the
food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power
of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.

The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is
obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant,
and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due
to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can
wait, it is only a matter of time.

LOL- :lol: :lol:

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D

Womans prayer
 

Got this from a friend, Shanna, I'm sure you got this one too...had to share it!! :D

>
> Now I lay me
> Down to sleep.
> I pray the Lord
> My shape to keep.
> Please no wrinkles
> Please no bags
> And please lift my butt
> Before it sags.
> Please no age spots
> Please no gray
> And as for my belly,
> Please take it away.
> Please keep me healthy
> Please keep me young,
> And thank you Dear Lord
> For all that you've done.
>
> Five tips for a woman....
>
> 1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has
> a job.
>
> 2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
>
> 3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't
> lie to you.
> 4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
>
> 5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
>
> Foot Note:
> One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: "If we don't
> get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."
>
> WE ALL NEED TO SMILE !!!

:rofl: :lol: Too funny Marti! :lol: :rofl:

I love the prayer-hey, do you think if we said it every night it would work?!

Thoughts
 

Thoughts :chin:

1. Can you cry under water?
2. When I was young we used to go skinny dipping, now I just chunkydunk. :lol:
3. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
4. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
5. Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?" Where's the extra penny going to?
6. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
7. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
8. Why is it that people say they slept like a baby when babies wake up like every two hours?
9. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
10. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
11. How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
12. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
13.I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing I wouldn't have signed up in the first palce!
14. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep.
16. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
17. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
18. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever!

I received these from my SIL, and then received almost the same from Shanna so you ladies have probably already seen these. I think there are a couple that are different but I thought it was cute, especially the chunkydunk! :lol:

Boots
 

Did you hear about the Texas Teacher who was helping one of her
kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she
could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want
to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong
feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the
boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as
together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right
feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than
get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted
to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots
off his little feet. No sooner did they get the boots off and he said,
"They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the
grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He
said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

Her trial starts next month.--

Breaking News!
 

AP- UPI- released two hours ago. Junior Senator Hillary Clinton of New York was flying cross-country last night in her private plane and was forced to make a emergency landing in southern Texas because of bad weather. She was unhurt and the National Transportation Safety Board officials have determined that pilot error was the major cause of the accident. The accident scene pictures including the wreckage of Hillarys plane have been released prior to being returned to upper New York State for major repairs. . . .

NTSB officials have also indicated that the Junior Senator was not wearing the appropriate seat belt or safety restraints, was flying in IFR conditions while only having obtained a VFR, single engine land rating, and will be cited for those violations accordingly. NTSB officials also say the absence of a post crash fire was due to the lack of sufficient fuel on board to sustain flight. There were no on ground fatalities.

[note: very disturbing picture of wreckage, open with discretion]

http://photos.imageevent.com/helenro...ash%20site.jpg

Sorry! I couldn't resist that one! :D

ROFLOL!!!!! That was a good one Kayecee. Glad you couldn't resist it and shared it with the class. Hee hee hee.

I am such a tard! :crazy: I didn't get it at first-can we say slow! I must say though, even though it is funny, very funny :lol: :lol: I like Hilary Clinton. I can totally understand her being a witch, putting up with Mr. Bill!

You ladies have to take a gander at this, Bird Poop Car. It's not funny, just a little gross. I don't think I would want to drive it around like that. And I DEFINITELY would be finding a new parking space.

http://www.1funny.com/bpoopcar.shtml

They really need to find a different parking spot!


Angie

OMG!!!! What are they feeding those birds????

OMG!!!! What are they feeding those birds????

Id say exlax!

Too cute Marti! Wouldn't that be horrible though to have a day like that? :yikes:

I don't know what those birds were eating-GROSS! I was wondering to if that was from one day or several days. That would be awful if it was one day! :yikes:

Favorite Christian Pick-Up Lines
 

Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?

The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry.” How about dinner?

You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither.

Is it a sin that you stole my heart?

Yeah I predicted David over Goliath.

I didn't believe in predestination till I met you.

What do YOU think? Will it be the flood or the fire next time?

Am I the only one who sees the sign of the beast in the Volkswagon logo?

Could you come and pull this mote out of my eye?

Hi. Your name must be Grace because you are AMAZING!

Ice cream with cake!
 

Subject: Alberta Cowboys
>
> Prior to her trip to Alberta, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided
> to her sorority sisters she had three goals for her trip to
> Alberta.
> She wanted to taste some real Alberta beef, take in a bona
> fide rodeo, and have sex with a cowboy.
> Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how
> she fared. "Let me tell you, they have the best steaks that I've ever
> had. There is no steak in the world that could compare. The taste is
> unbelievable!! And I went to a real rodeo..talk about athletes - these
>guys
> wrestle full-grown bulls - like in Spain! Except they ride a horse
> out at full gallop, then jump off the horses and literally grab the
> bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground. It is incredible!"
> They then asked, " Well tell us, did you have sex with a
> cowboy?" "Are you kidding?" She said, "Once I saw the outline of the
> condom they carry around in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed
>my
> mind!"

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

'Cept ain't that supposed to be Texas cowboys?!? I'm not sure y'all Canadians can match our menfolk. :p (yep, I think I just drew a line in the sand girlie! :lol: LOL ) *teasing* I love that joke! I'm gonna copy and send to all my friends. :)

Blonde Wife
 

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is okay. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and the said to achieve best results, put on two coats.

Okay, it's not that funny, but I thought it was cute. I was picturing her trying to paint with two coats on. And no offense to any blondes out there. :)

I haven't been to this thread for awhile - you guys are too funny!! :D :D :D

Bra Sizes Explained
 

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure our what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

A~almost boobs
B~barely there
C~can't complain
D~dang!
DD~double dang!!
E~ENORMOUS!
F~fake
G~get a reduction
H~help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!
:lol: :lol3: :rofl: :rofl: :lol3: :lol:

New drugs for women...
 

D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to **** for up to 8 full hours.


ST. M O M M A' S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to two days.


E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of
how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved
out.


P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an
evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents
conception.


D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in
enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks. (note from Jana: somebody must be slipping me this one! I like country music and love Neal's Dodge Ram!)


F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the
urge to flip off other drivers.


M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal
lines as, "You make me want to be a better person . Can we get naked now?"


B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency,
duration, and credit limit of spending spree.


J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary or phone number.


A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to
share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.


N A G A M E T
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation level as
nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it
herself.

:lol: :lol: Too cute Jana! :lol: :lol:

WHY THE 80's WERE COOLER FOR BEING A TEENAGER THAN THE 90's
 

The Picture Diet
 

That's cute Marti! :lol: And you are so right about the 80's! I used to watch MTV and VH1 all the time back then and all you saw was videos. Now it's reality shows etc. I swear everytime I turn on it there is never any music. The same with VH1.

How can you tell a blond has been using the computer?
-there's white out on the screen!

How can you tell 2 blonds have been using the computer?
-there's writing on the white out!

Ok, bad blond joke. But I am a blond (although from a bottle) so I am allowed to tell bad jokes! :lol:

A woman named Emily renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation.

She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.

"What I mean is," explained the recorder, "do you have a job, or are you just a.....?

"Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a Mom."

"We don't list 'Mom' as an occupation....'housewife' covers it," said the recorder emphatically.

I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like,"Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar."

"What is your occupation?" she probed.

What made me say it, I do not know......the words simply popped out.

"I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations."

The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in mid-air, and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written in bold,
black ink on the official questionnaire.

"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?"

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research, (what mother
doesn't), in the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out).

I'm working for my Masters, (the whole darned family), and already have four credits (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money." There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.

As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby), in the child-development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another Mom."

Motherhood.....What a glorious career! Especially when there's a title on the door.

Does this make grandmothers "Senior Research Associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations" and great-grandmothers "Executive Senior Research Associates"? I think so!!! I also think it makes Aunts "Associate Research Assistants".

Please send this to another Mom, Grandmother, Aunt, and other friends you know

MIND GAME





2% or 98%



This is strange...can you figure it out?



Are you the 2% or 98% of the population?

Follow the instructions! NO PEEKING AHEAD!

* Do the following exercise, guaranteed to raise an

eyebrow.

* There's no trick or surprise.

* Just follow these instructions, and answer the

questions

one at a time and as quickly as

you can!

* Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until

you've done each of them ..

really.

* Now, scroll down (but not too fast, you might miss

something).





































Think of a number from 1 to 10





































Multiply that number by 9





































If the number is a 2-digit number, add the digits

together





































Now subtract 5





































Determine which letter in the alphabet corresponds to

the number you ended up with (example: 1=a, 2=b, 3=c,etc.)









































Think of a country that starts with that letter





































Remember the last letter of the name of that country





































Think of the name of an animal that starts with that

letter





































Remember the last letter in the name of that animal







































Think of the name of a fruit that starts with that

letter

















































Are you thinking of a Kangaroo in Denmark eating an Orange?









I told you this was FREAKY!! If not, you're among the 2%

of the population whose minds are different enough to think of something else. 98% of people will answer with kangaroos in Denmark when given this exercise. Keep this message going. This one is actually worth sending on to others. Forward it to people you know so they can find out if they are usual or unusual.




yes I am the 2% ....lol

FIND INNER PEACE

I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for
me...and as
we start summer we all could use a little calm. By following the simple
advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. The
article
read:

"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've
started".

So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't
finished.... and before leaving the house this morning I finished
off a
bottle of red
wine, a bottle of white wine, the Bailey's, Kahlua and WildTurkey, the
Prozac, some valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freakin good I feel....

You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace...

The innocence and beauty of kids........................
>
> >
> >Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a
little
> >girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we
CAN
>make
> >a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...
> >
> >A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One
day a
> >construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty
lot.
> >The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in
all
> >the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing
the
> >workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them
>gems-in-the-rough,
> >more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted
with
> >her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks,
and
>gave
> >her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
> >
> >At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay
envelope
> >containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to
her
> >mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and
suggested
>that
> >they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next
day
>to
> >start a savings account.
> >
> >When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and
asked the
> >little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a
young
>age.
> >The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew
>building
> >the house next door to us."
> >
> >My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on
the
> >house again this week, too?"
> >
> >The little girl replied, "I will if those a$$holes at Home Depot
ever
> >deliver the f* sheet rock..."
> >
> >Kind of brings a tear to the eye.

Angie, too too funny!!!!! :D

But, OMG!!! HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS THINKING OF A KANGAROO EATING AN ORANGE????????????? That's too freaky for words!!

:lol3: :rofl: :lol: Too funny!!!

Of coarse I was thinking the same darned Kangaroo in Denmark eating an Orange!!

I LOVE the inner peace bit! I may try that tonight after this test!! :D

These are great Angie!!

Too funny Angie! :lol: The kangaroo, orange in denmark is strange and that is exactly what I was thinking also. My SIL had sent that to me a few months ago.

Life Should Not Be A Journey To The Grave With The Intention Of Arriving Safely In A Attractive And Well Preserved Body, But Rather Skid In Sideways, Cigar In One Hand, Favorite Beverage In The Other, Body Thoroughly Used Up, Totally Worn Out, And Screaming...


Woo Hoo What A Ride!

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the
milk for free."

Here's an update for you.....



Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.

Why?

Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig,....
Just
to get a little sausage.