Long Vent!!!!

Stacie, you have the right idea asking for help. Go to your doctor and ask for a referral to a psychologist if you have to for your insurance, or just go to the psychologist first off. A psychologist cannot prescribe drugs (only a psychiatrist can) so all of the therapy will be non-threatening in that way. Talk it out and get some outside perspective on your situation. I know on our insurance, twelve visits are automatically covered or something like that, so you might have a plan that is something like that. A healthy mind will create a healthy body.

Meanwhile, girl, get yourself back into Phase 1. Get all of these carbs and chemicals out of your system so your brain can think clearly and your body can work to its full potential. Start Phase 1, Day 1 right now, no matter what time of day it is. Post your food plan for the day. It will help you feel accountable to following through with it. Whenever you feel like going off plan, post here. Buy yourself ten different gum flavors and try a different one every time you just feel like noshing on something.

As much as I want you to kick that smoking habit for your own health, you need to focus on one thing at a time. What would make you feel better? Smoking or getting back on track with the diet?

There is *always* someone on-line! We're thirteen hours ahead of east coast time, so I am up for the whole American night, and I check in at least a gazillion times a day.

You can do this. It will be hard work and it will take determination, but you can do this. This is for you. It will make you feel better. We are here for you!

Kara

Im ashamed to even go to any kind of doctor, I know i have a problem, Ive had a problem since Ive been 13. As hard as it is to admit, and I hope Im not judged here, I am a drug addict, I will always and forever be an addict. Thats where food comes along when I like something I do it repetely. It goes down to every single thing I can thing of from food, to a television show. Thats me, I dont like that, thats who I am but I need to find a way to deal with it. I hate who I am, and what these awful things do to me. Its just very hard to deal with when you face the same situations everyday, and im trying my best to stay away from them. i havent been around drugs in 3 months, then all of a sudden Im feeling so good about myself because I know I lost some weight and I go hang around the saem people who bought me down. Then the food comes along. I swear, I think Ive eaten every single thing Ive ever wanted all in a copuple of hours. Yes it does taste good. but yes I fell so sick after thats it just not worth it, but I cant change what I already did. I just thought about what I think I have. An addictive personality. I also keep alot of things inside, because I just dont have noone who would even understand. I love my mom to death, I would die without her, but she didnt raise me, my grandma did, and she passed away when I was 13, from lung cancer, but yet I continue to do the exact same thing that killed her. She was my everything, my best friend, my (mom). And when she passed away I felt so cold because I couldnt even cry. Everyone around me was crying so hard but I couldnt shed one tear, when the women who I loved more than everything just passed away. To this day I still cant talk about her. Sitting here typing to this to a bunch of people I dont know I cant stop crying. It makes me feel not human that I cant express my feelings to people in my everyday life. I have never talked about this to anyone, ever. I advoid the subject as much as possible and pretend I dont care, when that was the only person who meant the world to me. I blocked out her death, andd pretended like she never exsited, I feal horrible for it. I cant get over how cold I could possible be. Im really sorry for this long post, I really am, I just never ever vented like this before. Im not going to lie, I have had some things to drink, but thats the only time I feal normal, when Im not sober. This is how I deal with things. Pills and alcohol, Im only 19, I feeal so much older than I really am. This has ruined me completly, Ive lost everything Ive ever had, Ive become somebody Ive never thought I could be. I do horrible things, I hate who Ive become these last couple fo years, but yet I just dont even know where to begin.


***Again im sorry for this long post, I just am at a dead end in life, and venting helps me a little bit, Thank you guys

Stacie

Im really sorry guys, I dont think Ive ever talked about her death its been about 6 years. And I just dont know how someone could be so cold how dedicted there life to them. She would have died for me, she raised me, she was my everything. And to this day I still cant talk about her, I dont know how I can act like she never exsited.

I need to take this one day at a time. I need to get one problem under control, then I can work on the others. Im going to post my daily goals for tomm. if thats okay with everyone else.
*im taking baby steps again, I need to figure out who am I really doing this for. (ME)
*Drink my water
*Finsh Day 1 again.

I know I can do it, no one can do it for me. I need more than want this, I need to take it.

*Monday-- Make an appt. a.s.a.p, maybe talking things out will help with my food problem.

Stacie I'm sorry you are going through all of that. I will agree go to the doctor immediately! You have to get to the root. You must know we are all here because of an addiction problem on some level. And that is great that you are taking baby steps before doing this. I did alot of journaling and talking before I started the plan. I also set up a network of support of people who would hold me up when I want to fall. This forum is one of those very supportive things in my life. You can do it and if you need to vent its perfectly natural and alright with me...... Good luck and we are here for you.

What's your menu for Monday, Stacie? Put it up here so we can see it and you can see it and then it will be REAL and you WILL stick to it! We're here for you in whatever cyber way we can be!

Kara

Stacie,
I don't have a drug problem, but I have struggled with anxiety/depression for a number of years. Depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain. I could go to counseling from now till the end of days, but I'm still missing chemicals in my brain that I need to counteract with drugs. I've used different types and am now on Effexor, which is highly addictive, but works to stabilize my system.

I truly understand the absolute terror of social situations, feeling that everyone hated me, and crying for no reason at all. I went to my regular doctor and asked for a prescription - no muss, no fuss. My mother, who also suffers from depression and anxiety (it runs in families), refuses to medicate and deals with the symptoms. I medicate and I'm happy.

Please talk to us, your friends, your family, and your doctor. Find a solution that works for you. What you shouldn't do is take your mom's opinion, or mine, or even your own without input from a qualified physician. As one human being with frailties to another, quit worrying that you're a loser. Exercise - you won't die and it will make you feel better. Go outside, the sun will make you feel better too. Make an appointment to volunteer at a soup kitchen, to counsel runaways, visit an old folk's home, etc... Choose something to get you out of the house, give you something to look forward to, something to get dressed for, and a place to make new friends.

Like I said when I started this rather long diatribe, I don't have a drug problem, so I don't understand the ramifications of medications for you. It may or may not be a great idea. The point is to work toward creating a life you enjoy. I promise it will be worth it.

Hi Stacie,

Like Nikleej says, we are all addicts here. And most of us (especially those with more than 20 lbs to lose) have emotional/depressive issues that we have been medicating with food. That's how you get the point where you need to be on a weight loss forum. And I lived in Texas when I was in my early 20s so I know how rampant drugs are down there. (It was the meth capital in the 80s before the rest of the country even thought about meth.) So there are definitely people you will need to stay away from if you want to avoid the drugs. But the drugs are like the food, it's a way of filling a hole in your soul and a sign that things aren't right chemically too if you can't feel good until you are chemically altered.

Having that unspoken grief about your grandma is like a big sore festering away inside, and telling us about it has opened it up and will hopefully let some of the bad stuff start coming out now. I can see how you dont feel comfortable talking to your mom because you all are not on that mother-daughter level (I wasn't raised by my mom either so I understand that one, big time). And your mom is concentrating on the "you" that existed before, not the "new you" that you are in the process of becoming--the "new you" that we are getting to know.

I agree with Kara too about concentrating on one problem at a time and posting here until your fingers are sore from typing. There is something very nonthreatening about baring your innermost secrets to a bunch of strangers, especially when they are available pretty much 24/7. Going to the doctor to get a medication that is nonaddictive or a therapist referral are key plans to make but the talking that will keep you going on a daily basis is what we are happy to do with you. Nothing substitutes for sound medical advice but we will sure do our best to wrap our cyberarms around you and help you move forward.

So how about the plan for Monday?

L

Oh My Gosh guys. Thank you all so much, you dont know what it means to me to have support. A couple of days ago I met up with a friend I havent seen in 10 years, so I woke up this morning to him, who wouldnt stop texting me, telling me hes sorry that he was drunk last night, when I tryed to call him last night, when I was feeling so low. I dont think I have to right tools to help anyone else, other than support, because I dont even know how to help myself. And I think everyoone gets in the way sometimes with some alcohol. So after waking up to dealing with this, I wanted some white powered donuts. I mean, I really wanted them. I got dressed grabed the keys, stepped outside, it was raining so I stood there for a minute. Then just realized its not worth it, I cant sabbotage my day before it even begins. So I made me 2 eggs w/ a lil salsa. I feel good. When I was on my binge, eating bad stuff made me feel awful. I was literally sick, I thought it just was my emotional ways that made my stomach physically hurt. I strongly believe it was all that bad food. Even when I was eating taco bell, which I though I was craving, I had like 2 little bites, and my stomach had enough of it but I had to finish it off, and yes I did pay for it later. I thought about what I wanted to eat last night, and so far im on plan.
Lunch- Shrimp Scampi, its just so good, and I know if I make it I wont see a reason to to stay on plan.
Dinner- Flounder, with some green veggies.
I love seafood. And some snacks during the day of string cheese. I find it really strange, that all the food I named I enjoy ALOT!! So why do I have to add all that other bad stuff, I like to eat till I feel the physically pain of being full, its a completly different feeling after eating breakfast this morning, and feeling not hungry but not so bloated. Again thank you guys for all the support.

***On a sad note. I think someone stole my Ipod. Its not in my car anymore. But I cant make that a excuse for not getting in a workout.

hey stacie... i've got more demons than you can imagine... we all do.

you've taken the first step and that's GREAT... best of luck to you

How was your seafood day, Stacie?

We walked past a Vietnamese restaurant on our way home yesterday, and they had their menu in both Hangul (Korean) and English. The English side highlighted all of the SEEfood dishes they had to offer.

So make sure you're eating the right kind. No one wants to SEE your SEAfood! hehe

Kara