[Reddalice]

I watched a documentary on ED last night on showtime, THIN, because I have a very strong interest in how things work and why we as humans, especially women, do what we do to ourselves. The show covered four women in a live-in treatment center for severe ED. After an hour or so I began recognizing much of the phrases and desires I have heard expressed from people who are battling their weight... from my sister's anorexic friend to my mother and friends and myself. Ed isn't just something that afflicts the wasting away or the stars of emergency weightloss surgery. While the media examples are extreme, every woman has that dark seed that could take root. The obsession with numbers: weight, calories, fat grams, cholesterol, miles ran, liters drank, hours or days that you "controlled" yourself. I wonder where the line is drawn and you are diagnosable with an eating disorder, I'm curious how many women on this board have one and don't know it, and how many woman are genuinely healthy and happy as they become healthier.

I had a mental image of weight being a looming mountain of ice, some patches slippery, some fresh with snow, others jagged were the ice was broken and protruding up like obstacles or places were you get caught. Most of the slope was hill like, rolling, but a sizable amount was steep ending in a bottomless drop-off. On this mountain, women are traveling both ways- up and down. Some are climbing unknowingly, some propelling down, others trudging in both directions- move one way and then doubling back. Some women are sitting between ice and others are ill along their paths. Having read the guides and taken classes, travelers move smoothly- but not every woman was a girl scout or interested in how-to pamphlets, some become too concentrated on the means or goal and slip down the slick paths and just keep slipping. At the bottom, didn't I say, was a drop off? Do they know it is there? Do they realize the dangers? Or is they're desire so strong that they don't mind that what the ground they loose may or may no be physical? I thought about the mentality of women obsessed with the absence or presence of fat. Add or subtract. Add. or. Subtract. It is all about increase and decrease. I wonder where all of us stand?

As for myself, I let the scale dictate my mood every morning- right after I void and before I have a cup of cereal. I know that it's unhealthy to obsess with the numbers, my doc has told me as much and I read enough. I know that weight fluctuates do to menstruation and fluid and food traveling through your body. If I don't get on the scale, I obsess. How much do I weigh? Was I good or was I bad? I also entertain thoughts I know are irresponsible and only represents my evil twin ****-bent on making me feel guilty- the one that gets to eat the chocolate cake- I'm the one who feels for it. I don’t stare at thinner women in bikini’s on magazine covers or commercials and want to be them, but I see any woman who moves and her body is slender and lithe and I can’t get it out of my head. When I bend over I don’t want to buldge, I want my stomach to be a delicate INWARD curve. Like, my sister's anorexic friend or my mother? I actually wondered what it would be like to be that thin? Would I like it? How would i do it? I've even seen someone die from their ED in the nursing facility that I worked at. Would I die to be thin? I've gone a day or two without eating and some days with only a cup of fiber cereal for the day, and not because I was too busy. I've purged only once, out of curiosity, though I am very aware of the damage it causes. I've also been so depressed about my health that I couldn't get out of bed, couldn't move, couldn't cry. Most of those behaviors I have conquered with just chanting that I want to be healthy, not skinny, and it works along with jogging... but when I can't get out for that special me time I am left with those haunting thoughts; many of which where echoed on the documentary I watched last night. I wonder how close all of us are that dangers of ED; those four women reminded me of so many people, just magnified a little or a lot. Their obsession focused and not just peppered through a day or week.

How about you? Are we raised to be honest with ourselves and others about it? Have you even thought about it? It's like shades of gray... on the scale it leads to light or darkness, how do you know when you've strayed?

[CousinRockingChair]

...But sometimes, I feel as though the eating disorder is the least of my problems.

I'm going back to see my psychiatrist on Monday. I last went in May or so, and I walked out saying "this isn't helping me, goodbye".

But when I got a letter giving me an appointment date, I decided it might be time to give it another go. Since I was 14 - so that's 4.5 years, as I'm now 18 - I have had the following:

OCD
Depression, clinical (ongoing, present about 80% of my entire awake-time)
Depression, manic/psychotic (a few-week periods of this)
Delusions (aliens; the world is ending; my father is going to rape me; I have a brain disease, ETC)
Anorexic behaviours
Bulimic behaviours
A diagnosis of autism (?!? - Asperger's Syndrome - I still question that one)
Body Dysmorphic Disorder
Suicidal urges
Depersonalization Disorder (long term, at least 1 year+)

And seizures/epilepsy.

I have always resisted medication. I didn't have a "bad childhood". My parents are happier than the average couple, I'd say.

It's a mystery as to why I'm like this. I wasn't bullied, aside from a few petty comments when I was in primary school. I have always performed very well academically. I don't appear to be repulsive to other people either - I havn't been single since the dawn of time, and never have problems finding people to hang out with when I want to (which due to all the above, is almost never, but I do know I can get people to like me).

I'm battling the urge to die/become fullblown anorexic again right now. I despise it.

Just realised....that wasn't your question! I don't know..I'll have to think more before I can give a proper answer.

[Gogirl008]

Wow, that must have been an intense documentary. I'm not making light of your thoughts. I wish I'd seen it. Or maybe it's better that I didn't. The good thing is that it was thought provoking and you are anylizing your own issues.
I think that the majority of women have emotional issues tied to excess weight. I'm just now, after years of extreme ups and downs, realizing that I have a lot of emtional stuff to untangle if I am ever going to be 'healthy'.
I think many of us on our journey through life are distracted and preoccupied, or maybe in denial. Avoiding difficult and ugly stuff is maybe easier in the short term, but it doesn't go away. I found out I need to deal with the ugly stuff if I am going to acheive health and clarity. I think many people also only see things that are black and white. They don't believe in looking past the obvious. If the scale is too high then they are obsessed with lowering the numbers, instead of trying to understand why this issue came about (I think most of us start at that point).
The way you see it as this mountain with women traveling, I think of it as a hike actually. A journey we all take, some stumbling just trying to get to the other end, unaware of the beauty around them and time they have, some falling down, getting hurt. But I just want to go through my journey with my eyes open, slowly and thoughtfully, and hopefully I will learn what I need to learn when the time is right for me.
As for your last question- are we raised to be honest with ourselves and others? Very subective. It depends on what brought us to this problem to start with. An ED probably came about because of some negative emotional issue in which honesty was not the priority. A woman learning about nutrition and health - for the first time ever- that wants to feel better, I believe that she could be very sincere and sucessful in her efforts.
And how do you know when you've strayed? If you mean when it is more than a matter of trying to lose a few lbs, and it gets bad, then I'd say we all have our own measuring tape.
Now after all this, I hope your feeling well today. I come here first thing in the morning to remind myself that there is a reason I'm working on myself. People like you, that know these issues are real help me to understand what I need to do to be healthy. Don't dwell on the negative aspects of it too much today. If you have concerns about your own issues than maybe talking to a dr will help you feel better. Thanks for the talk

[Reddalice]

I may just over analyze too much, but then again maybe not. I'll try not to dwell too much on it; curiosity is always good at consuming me.

[Gogirl008]

I tend to overthink everything too. But I think if your actually applying some of this to yourself, my suggestion would be just to make sure your doing something postive and proactive-as opposed to dwelling. Negativity is toxic. It will totally sabotage you efforts. (that's how I got here!!!)

[CrispyMama]

Reddalice, I love what you wrote. It was poetic and beautiful.

My mysterious line is with food. For me I draw the line at my old sugary binge foods. I avoid sugar in general, but there have been foods that contain sugar that I have eaten. I thought about this for a while, afraid of the invisible line, of a line I can't see, what if that was it and I crossed it unknowingly!

But I know what foods I binged on, that line is clear. I will abstain from ALL of those foods. This is my only way of making a very bright, easy to see line. And that is the only way I can give myself some sense of predictability and peace.

I CAN NOT spend my life afraid on an invisible line. I must make it visible.

[Reddalice]

^-^ Thank you very much Crispy. A moment ago I overlooked what I wrote and had a moment like: What was I thinking? I can't quite remember what was driving me so hard? Where was the thesis? What was the EXACT point!

I am still pensive about where the boundaries of innocuous obsession and compulsion lead to sickness.