oh, goodness. I have been mentally feeling pretty good these past few days, but now I am still mentally feeling okay but the urge to purge is still there. I am reeeealllly struggling at this very minute. that is why i am posting right now, to try and not binge and purge right now, this very moment.
i know that it is unhealthy and i know that i have further complicating factors and i have been over all of this stuff with you guys already and you are probably losing patience and sympathy with me.
i just thought like "wow, 5 days without purging, I have totally conquored this thing. i have totall control over this." sh*t. i really don't. i can't help the compulsive feelings. the overwhelming compulsive feelings.
i am sure that it IS possible to beat this (though probably not without help) but, do you know of anyone that has? i need to try and sort myself out before this becomes a huge problem for me.
i also pretty much KNOW that tomorrow will be a bad day for me. i KNOW that i will purge. i just know. i will be helpless.
worst yet my mom brought home groceries today and i am going crazy. she doesn't know about my problem and so doesn't know that this was a very big issue for me. i mean she bought tons of food. *gulp* *eeps*
i was on the verge of telling her yesterday but i lost the confidence to do it. i started out by saying "mom, i need to tell you something" to which she replied "is it going to upset me?" and i said probably it would and she said "then don't tell me." and i then broached the subject again later on last night and again she said that she doesn't want to hear anything that is going to upset her and that i should tell my father instead.
we have been through all of this territory before with my depression and my parent's refusal to accept it.
IF i tell them they will hassle me about my food intake and listen at the bathroom door everytime i go in there. if i DONT tell them this could continue unabated.
like i have said, a very big part of me does not want to let this go.
...and you are probably losing patience and sympathy with me.
We are not. Or at least, THIS "we" isn't. I wouldn't mind getting a good crack at your mother, though. I found her head-in-the-sand attitude utterly appalling.
I am not in the best position myself, today--I'm not having holiday issues because we're not doing anything for Thanksgiving this year. But I did find out today that I've gained weight from trying to eat "normally", so I'm in a bad, bad place. However...I'm more than happy to chat with you whenever you feel like you're needing to purge. I'm on the computer just about every day, and I visit this site every time I'm online, so chances are very good I'll see your words almost as soon as you post them.
Hang in there, honey. I know you can learn to manage this.
~hugs~
Hey hon. Wow. I'm so sorry to hear you don't have a very supportive home environment. That must make things really hard for you. I agree with Callystia..I wouldn't mind having a few "words" with your mother about her attitude. BUT moving right along he he.
You've done the right thing by coming here and asking for help. It's pretty brave! Eating disorders/issues don't go away quickly, BUT they can be overcome/recovered from. I have a few friends who have sucessfully beaten their bullimia. They still catch themselves having negative reactions to food/situations at times, but the important thing is, they don't give in.
You're doing great. 5 days is a great start to quitting purging! And of course you'll still have the compulsion, but you've overcome it so far! Keep going. We're here to support you, listen to you and NEVER judge you for anything. You're trying your best to get healthy and that's all that matters.
One thing my friend did when she was stopping purging was before each meal, she'd take her nail polish off. Then immediately after eating, she'd paint her nails. The time it took quelled some of the purge impulse, and then when she had to sit still and not do anything while they dried, she was usually able to distract herself from wanting to purge, by focusing on positive meditations. When they were dry, well she had pretty hands and didn't want to wreck them by chipping her nails trying to purge. Ok... this was something that worked for her, but may not for you.
I'm thinking of you and sending you thoughts of strength.
~hugs~
NBK
I don't really know what else I can really say. I mean I have never discussed this with ANYONE else in my life, not even extensively with my psychiatrist, as you well know it is a really sensitive issue that i am not sure everyone can relate to. i mean people kind of give you the "just stop it" sort of response like just pick yourself up by your bootstraps, get a grip and as you all know it just isn't that pure and simple.
It so helps that i can come here and 'talk' to you guys about this. Thank you so so much.
I managed to distract myself enough that, although i did eat, i did not overeat OR purge. and i *think* that i am good to go for today because i am going to try and go to sleep within the next hour to basically remove myself from the immediate situation.
I am hoping and praying for strength tomorrow. I am feeling more positive about it.... we will see how it goes.
Charlotte, I am really really sorry that you're going through such a tough time emotionally. I am even sorrier that you're going through it without family support. I'm glad that you've found this place to come to and share how you're feeling, though. I'm finding it helpful and am glad that you are as well.
I have to tell you that as a mom I would never have said anything to my kids like your mom did. I'm not saying that to upset you or make you feel defensive for your mom, but to let you know that her response isn't the normal one. Chances are if you had another person close to you (a friend or friend's mom, an aunt, a sibling, a teacher, etc) and asked if you could share something with them that they would stop what they were doing and listen to you. In short, I don't want you to feel like you can't tell anybody about what you're going through in person because you don't think that they'll listen to what you have to say.
You may have to take the same advice that would be given to children of abusive situations. Tell somebody, and if they don't listen or believe you then tell somebody else until they do.
That being said, I'm sure that you are a bit undecided about how commited you want to be about revealing your ED. You don't want to be caged and watched like an animal for telling the truth, and yet you don't want to be ignored and hidden forever. I'm glad that you're coming here to talk over this problem and hope that you find strength and encouragement.
nbk, I think that your idea about painting your nails is a really good one. What an inspired way to nurture yourself and prevent the temptation to purge at the same time! I'm only a binger myself, but I know that advice would really work for me if I purged as well.
Charlotte, please PM me if you'd like anybody to talk to or if you'd just like to rant some. I'd love to help!
That being said, I'm sure that you are a bit undecided about how commited you want to be about revealing your ED. You don't want to be caged and watched like an animal for telling the truth, and yet you don't want to be ignored and hidden forever. I'm glad that you're coming here to talk over this problem and hope that you find strength and encouragement.
Charlotte, please PM me if you'd like anybody to talk to or if you'd just like to rant some. I'd love to help!
Barb- That is how I feel, exactly. And thanks for being so kind.
Thanks as well, Robin. It means a lot.
Ok, so Thanksgiving: I did purge. I wasn't going to and then.......... I did-- twice-- once after dessert at my aunt's house and then again right before I went to bed. I was just about to go to bed and then my mom asked me to get her some chocolate from this huge platter we had and I brought some into her and then couldn't help myself. I went out and ate some and then took a lot more, chewed it and spit it back out onto a plate. I then proceeded to purge myself of the some that i had eaten.
Sometimes I just feel so strong and like I don't have a problem so that it would be silly to go and talk to people about and then *boom* a moment later I am having strong compulsions.
I am a bit all over the place.
Worst of all, I had just taken my medicine before throwing up last night and so I know that most of it, if not all, got purged. And I just couldn't help myself. So........ I don't know....... it is so much of a struggle and one that just continues. But-- on the bright side-- I made it through 6 days straight without any major binging and without purging at all. And that is at least one thing to be proud of. And I am sure that I can do that (and better) again and again.
I'm sending you good vibes for a better day today. I can really relate about your mom. My mom always says similar things. She can't handle hard situations. She sees herself as week and fragil, maybe she is. But is sucks for her children.
I was struck by your comment in your first post about how you knew you would purge yesterday. I read it and thought "I bet she did then". Expecting the worst is a habit of mine that I am trying very hard to overcome. I am so terrified that I will fail, that I back away from all high expectations. I set myself up to fail again and again with the "I know I can't do it, I know I can't stick to it" I have done this my whole life.
When I do make a decision to do something, like for me it was 30 days without compulsive eating. I instantly think,"that's to hard, you can't do it, and when you fail you will feal like an even bigger looser, do you want to be a disgusting looser?"
I have been trying so hard to plan for what I want. I found a part of my life where I was commited to something and realised, if I can do it there, I can do it with food. Now I say I am commited. I will be commited every day. I will get to 30 days, then 60, then 90. I will keep going.
Tomorrow is 30 days. Something I have never done before. And you can get to 30 days too. When you are ready it will click and you will do it. People DO overcome this. You can too.
You are right about when you think you can't do something-- you mostly likely won't.
But, I really was making it through for a while and then it all fell apart.
And yesterday was a disaster as well.
But today has been better.....so maybe the vibes are working.
I actually thought I was "cured"
Barb
