Lately, it seems my relationship with my mom keeps getting worse and worse. We've always had little spats, but the smallest things are setting each other off, and I can't even talk to her. We're fine on the phone, through letters, but as soon as we get together we're fighting and I don't know why. Most of the time I feel like I haven't done anything, thus I'm usually hypersensitive to my movements, my phrasing of certain things, but no matter what she feels "hurt" I'm suddenly being a "b-word" to her and I'm doing everything wrong. AND I DON'T GET IT BECAUSE I REALLY DONT KNOW WHAT I'M DOING! I see her as being in the wrong, I think SHE is hurting me... She keeps threatening to end our relationship, and tonight she said she doesn't want to deal with, see, or talk to me until I apologize to her, that she is "over" me in her life and wants me out of it... And I'm torn, upset, and heart broken. I don't understand the problems in our relationship. Nothing has happened to "trigger" these things, it just HAPPENED... and I'm sure she can say all she wants but really shes killing me inside. In the past couple of months I've become so critical and emotional, and I just don't know what to do. I recently lost a 3 year relationship with a guy who really was my backbone for a long time. And now I just feel alone, and don't know where to turn or what to do. I'm an emotional wreck. I have no one, I'm sorry to have posted this here, but I'm just gaaaah... I just really had to vent somewhere, or else I would've headed straight for the grocery store and spent 50 bucks on food until I went to bed.
Well... she IS your elder and your mother... my suggestion would be that you make every effort to honor her. Trust me, there will come a day you will be glad you did.
One year ago next week my Mom died. I am SO thankful that even though we had totally different personalities and lifestyles, we worked hard at understanding one another and made our times together special. There was never a doubt that we loved one another. Which meant a LOT when she is no longer here and the opportunities are gone... at least in this life!
Relationships... good or bad... don't "just happen." You have to work to make the good ones. Left to degenerate, they will fall into ruins. But treat your Mom with kindness and you will never be sorry.
I don't know if it is an option for you, but maybe you could try some family counseling? If you really want to have things well between you but don't know how, don't be afraid to ask for help. So often we assume that we should innately know how to do things or deal with things, but just like learning other skills, relationships skills take learning too. The important thing is to not give up on such an important relationship.
I've had serious issues with my mother for years now. I know how tough it can be to fight with your mother... she's your mom, you know? You want to love/honor/respect her, as Misti said, but sometimes it's so dang hard. And one thing I learned is that you have to make sure you don't give youself up in the process of maintaining a relationship with her. Don't always be the one to give in, if you genuinely feel she was in the wrong. Don't remain quiet if what she's telling you is tearing you up. Make sure you keep your voice and your being strong in the relationship. Mothers have an innate ability to make us feel terrible like no one else can -- because they're supposed to be the one person in the world to stick up for you and be on your side. But mothers are human too... so there has to be a little recognition of that.
It's hard, Dreamer, but don't give up on her or the possibility that you two will learn to co-exist peacefully. With my mother it took two years of silence and finally an agreement that there are some things (mostly divorce-related) we just can't talk about for fear of well, not speaking for another two years. And I'm not a touchy person.
I guess my main point would be to make sure you stick up for yourself. This may not be in the form of immediate argument... if you're in the heat of a debate and are defending yourself simply because you don't want to back down, that's not what I mean. If you two get into troubled situations, try to calm down, remove yourself from the conversation, and tell her you would like to continue when you aren't angry and name-calling each other... That way you can rationally figure out what was going on. Try to analyze what's beneath your arguments. The "you're doing everything wrong" position is a convenient one for her to take, but remember that she's probably not always just making broad generalizations. If you step back and give yourselves a bit of time away from the argument, you might be able to concede one or two things that you could have done differently... and this sort of concession does wonders for diplomacy!!
Longer bit of advice than I intended, but having just come out of a very long spate of troubles (8 years?) with my mother, this is a topic I have a lot of thoughts on
It sounds like there is an underlying problem here. Have you straight out asked her what the problem is?
My mom and I have a very rocky relationship. The only reason we have a relationship at all is because I've had to just accept the way she is. My mom lives in her own little world where everything is peachy and when it isn't, it's never her fault. She drives me up the wall! I just end up staying on neutral subjects and I have to blow off a lot of what she says. A lot of times I end up being the adult and she is like an unreasonable teenager that the world revolves around! I've been thru therapy, this is the only way our relationship works. We've had lots of underlying problems that effect our relationship, but she chooses not to address the problem..........if I bring it up then she gets so defensive that there is no point in talking to her. I've just had to accept that I will never be close to my mother the way a child should be. It's a vicious cycle with my family which is ending with me, my daughter will never have to go through the h*ll my mom put me through.
I think britomart and canfield gave some great advice.
You have my sympathy. I get the impression that your mom is not someone who can really "talk things out" without getting upset. I'm sorry but someone who says they will not have anything to do with you until you apologize has some control issues. And that won't go away no matter how nice you are to her. Therapy is good idea even if it's just for yourself- it teaches you how to make proper boundaries in your life and how to know when these boundaries have been overstepped. Even if there's little chance that your mom will change her ways(especially if she doesn't think she did anyhing wrong), you can change how you interact with her. Good luck!
I don't have a huge problem with my mother but I do with my sister. I now just let most things go. Do I really care if she thinks she's right as long as I KNOW I am??? My sister now knows that if I am willing to argue about something it is very important to me and I will argue to the death, so she will give in to me on my large issues because I let her have her way on the ones I consider unimportant(which is 99% of all things, my sister will argue about anything just to be right).
OT: Mom problems
. She drives me up the wall! I just end up staying on neutral subjects and I have to blow off a lot of what she says. A lot of times I end up being the adult and she is like an unreasonable teenager that the world revolves around! I've been thru therapy, this is the only way our relationship works. We've had lots of underlying problems that effect our relationship, but she chooses not to address the problem..........if I bring it up then she gets so defensive that there is no point in talking to her. I've just had to accept that I will never be close to my mother the way a child should be. It's a vicious cycle with my family which is ending with me, my daughter will never have to go through the h*ll my mom put me through.
