Caution: This may be a long entry (and will be as censored as I possibly can)... but GAH.
All right, as a bit of history... To start off with, Im very against porn (hence all my warnings, see where this is headed?) I just think it's.. icky. A lot of my friends think I'm wierd because of that, but... it's just me.
So I moved in with the boyfriend this past May, which is all full of happiness for me. I mean, 5 years dating the guy, and most of it I never even see him. So it's happiness for me.
A few weeks ago I came home after buying a new shower curtain, and I decided to attempt to put it up myself. Since the computer was on, I decided to just play some music I already had downloaded onto the comp instead of popping in the cd. I turned on Windows Media and saw something called "jennifer_trailer", a 30 second clip. I innocently clicked on it, thinking it was some comedy thing that he loves so much... and found some pretty graphic things that disturbed me. It was a full day before I could even let him kiss be, just because I was so... ick. And it took a while for me to be normal around him again. Not to mention... aren't I good enough?
Now today... AGAIN, I go to turn on Windows Media, and I find something again. Much much more mild.. Im actually not disturbed by it. But after I saw it I checked the internet history (which, by the way, is something I have NEVER done before) and found he's been to more than one icky site in the past week.
Now for the point:
Im feeling again like.. Im just not good enough. I mean, to me its obvious, since I told him how to keep me from seeing it (put something else on the player before you shut off the comp.. like I said, I don't randomly check the history, and even that isnt hard to fix), and he knows how upset it made me. I know it's because im overweight and I have these skin abcesses and Goddess knows what else.
I know thats crazy talk, really. It's just hard to know that he is looking at this and enjoying it, and then comparing myself. And while my rational part says "he loves you even though you are 200+ lbs, because of who you are", the other part says "he thinks your ugly, and he obviously finds these girls more attractive than you, since he seems to turn to them more"
Im not even sure this is a "valid topic" for these forums, and Im hoping its censored enough to not get erased... but really ladies, you guys are the only ones I can think of who would relate... anyone ever get like this?
i can understand that you are upset, I think alot of women get upset by stuff like this, but i don't think its about you, I think its about guys being guys..seriously. Even my skinny hot body girlfriends' boyfriends like porn, I think its just one of those things, I know its hard but try not to take it personally, you should mention though, that you dont want to have to see it, at the very least.
Yeah, personally it doesn't bother me. So, I apologize if I'm being insensitive or anything. Honestly, it has NOTHING to do with you or your body. Most of the stuff going on in those films your boyfriend DOES NOT want you to do, thats because he loves you, respects you, etc... Those are just him being "a guy" they never get over that 13 year old masturbation thing, its exciting to them, even if it grosses us out.
Gross, but I dated a guy who liked his porn... a lot. It didn't bother me at all, I made fun of him about it. And he always let me know that it had nothing to do with me, his attraction to me, or anything...Sometimes he just watched it and didn't even get off... Sometimes its because guys are so visual and thats a great release, its a 1 minute (the 30 second video) that just relieves tension and is quick and I'm sure he thought "harmless"
See, part of the porblem (i think) is that I dont know that it doesnt have anything to do with his attraction to me... I think I can count the times he has called me attractive, and that was because I asked him if he thought I was. Even once when I asked him why he was dating me (after a semi-fight years ago) he mentioned everything EXCEPT the fact that I was pretty. Not to mention that *cough* intimacy rarely happens. I sort of feel like this is why.. like hed rather watch this. (I'll add the boy's super-skinny.. he's finally reached a normal weight after I moved here, hah, but still.... follow the thought, lol)
Thanks for at least listening to me. This is something I really have to work out with him.. and Im hoping to tonight. Im glad I got to rant to people that understand my meaning, even if you dont agree with it.
Sensitivity to porn isn't weird or anything, so don't think you're alone in it. It's a personal preference, like drinking coffee with sugar in it. However, like all personal preferences, you really can't force anyone to like what you like, and nor should you be forced to like what others like. So you're perfectly within your rights to ask him to at least make it so you're not faced with the reality of his porn-watching -- he can clean the history, he can play another file after the porn so you don't see the titles. His being relatively discreet thus far is encouraging.
I'm with the other ladies in saying that guys really don't tend to associate the women they love and care about with the women in the porn they watch -- unless you want him to, and even then, only once in a blue moon! If you are worried that he's judging you based on the women in his porn, bring this up. Ask him why he watches. Most likely you'll get a sheepish "i dunno..." And if you ask him if he wants you to be like those women, he'll probably sincerely say no.
As for the frequency of "intimacy" between you guys, I think this is something you need to talk about with him, moreso than the fact that he watches porn. I'm a firm believer that a couple's sex life is as important as say, communication. He may be watching the porn because you two don't have sex often, but there might be some misunderstanding or some assumptions underlying the fact that you aren't intimate with each other... maybe he assumes you don't want to, or doesn't want to push you for it, etc. It's worth talking about, imho.
Anyway, hope that was pg enough for the boards... Good luck fae, take care of yourself above everything!!
Fae, I understand, I would be totally mortified if my husband was looking at porn. The thing is though, this is some thing we talked about while we were still dating, I made it very clear that I found it disrespectful and I wouldn't put up with it. I think (and this is of course my personal view, and it has absolutely nothing to do with religious belief because I am not religious at all) that porn is an unrealistic portrayal of women and normal sexual behavior and therefore desensitizes men to real women and real sexual behavior. So I think that your reaction is total valid. You should talk to him about all your concerns and the fact that it makes you uncomfortable. It's your house too and you should have a say in what goes on in it. Also as Brit said you need to also talk to him about your intimacy frequency if it bothers you! When it comes to things like this you should have a say, just the same as if you were a smoker and he didn't want you smoking in the house, even if he wasn't there.
Just my opinion of course, but I think this is a HUGE issue in our society. We think it's normal because it happens so frequenlty, but that doesn't mean it's good/right/not a big deal!
Thanks guys... when he came home tonight, did I have a surprise of a discussion waiting for him! We did have a long talk about it (and I swear it was a talk, there was no freaking out on my part) I feel better.. We talked not only about the porn / intimacy issues, but what he views as my over self-conscousness (I know thats not spelled right, oh well), comparing myself to other girls, etc. It was good to talk about.
LockItUp - He actually was reading this with me when I read what you wrote, and he agrees with a lot of what you said.
Did you meet him on the internet? I only ask because you said something about dating him for five years, most of which you never even saw him. I've been living with my boyfriend since 2002. I met him in 1999 on the internet. So, we might have that in common.
Anyway, I guess I should say first that porn doesn't bother me. I've watched it before, I've seen it on the internet, and I've read graphic erotic fiction. However, I know that some women (and even a small percentage of men) don't like porn at all. I can understand why it would be squicky and offensive to you, and there isn't really anything wrong with porn not being your cup of tea. The thing you need to understand is that most guys do look at porn. When I moved in with my boyfriend, he had several video tapes with porn. I've seen portions of some of them and they are very graphic. However, that does not mean that he doesn't find me attractive or that he prefers the women in the videos. He's told me that he has looked at porn on the internet in the past (it is actually to blame for the scary $800 charge on his credit card several years ago). I assume that he's looked at porn on the internet since I moved in with him. There's nothing wrong with looking at porn or having fantasies. I do it as well, but that doesn't diminish our relationship in any way. It doesn't change my attraction to him, or his to me.
So, I don't think you have anything to worry about. Porn is something that the vast majority of guys indulge in. That doesn't mean that he finds you any less attractive because of it. And unless you're upset at him for religious reasons, there is nothing bad or wrong with watching consenting adults have sex.
galen - thanks and no, I used to work with him.. and then he joined the Navy, which is why I rarely got to see him. And im not mad at him for religious reasons at all. I never even told him to stop watching it, just dont leave it where I can see it.
hmm... wow... well, I don't think I can say much here. Your bf looking at porn has NOTHING to do with you. I'd bet that's what he would say too.
I don't care if my husband looks at porn, just as long as I get my needs met in the bedroom. And he does look, on occassion, but never to the point of neglecting me.
I think that is what you need to focus on. Are you still getting your needs met? If so, then there shouldn't be any problem. If not, then I would recommend counseling for both of you. Otherwise, you need to get some self-confidence - not everything your man does has something to do with you or means that there is something wrong with you.
I wouldn't turn it inward. I fall into Steph's thinking in that I really just don't like the premise of it. But I also know that it's just one of those, "to each his own" kinda things. However, if you truly disagree with it and don't like the direction it's headed, by all means speak up. I don't think that porn (in most cases) has anything to do with someone's SO being not good enough, but that sounds different than what you're different than what you're eluding to.
I don't think you should feel inadequate in ANY way, but if it truly bothers you, you may want to bring it up with him. He may not realize how much it's affecting you.
'
edit: I forgot to finish a sentence!
I used to be extremely anti-porn/anti-the exploitation of women/anti-strip clubs and everything. When I first met my boyfriend in highschool, he had a whole box of Playboys and in the bathroom he shared with his brother were more graphic porn mags. So I was appalled and horrified by it, I made him throw out all those playboys, "if he loved me" and told him I don't ever want to see it again, I thought it was sick, gross, degrading to women, etc... I even smashed a vhs porn tape he had and ripped out the ribbon. But when he was old enough to go to strip clubs, I really didn't care, I didn't have a reason why it didn't bother me as much. I guess I didn't want to be the girlfriend that said "no", plus he went to a few bachelor parties where there were strippers, And I was more concerned with making sure he tipped her (I guess if she's going to exploit herself, let her be able to go home with some cash).
But then I turned 21 and I went out to the bars with my sis and her friends one night, they suggested we go to the strip-club, just for fun. I sat out in the car for about 30mins and wouldn't go in. Finally a girl(my sis's friend) came out and said just come in for 1 drink. So I gave in. And really it wasn't that bad. You can sit at the bar and drink or play touch-screen videogames. Yah there are chicks there with there boobs bouncing around but I guess it doesn't bother me anymore.
Anyways, I'm still with the guy. I've decided that I don't mind it so much. I guess I've been "desensitized to it". A few years ago I saw a VH1 thing that had Jenna Jameson on it and I thought she's really pretty and I like her. So I let my boyfriend go and get a Jenna Jameson DVD and we've watched it together. It makes me laugh. Plus I saw a Playboy with her on the cover and bought it for him, now I know Playboy is the tame version of porn and is more about tasteful porn(if there is such a thing), compared to other porn mags/videos it's not even close to being graphic. I've also been to the strip club with my boyfriend, I thought I'd be intimidated by all those skinnier naked ladies because my boyfriend is not overweight at all and very muscular so he's actually hot, (I love his biceps!) but the fact that he's there with me and that those girls see that and that I know we are going home together makes me more confident and feel more secure in our relationship because I know that they don't have a chance because he loves me. I even bought him a private dance one time from this girl that even I was impressed with her dancing. But strip clubs and porn in the home are 2 different things and but for some reason to me I would rather know what porn he is looking at than know he's oogooling it online where I don't know about. So for you, I would say figure out what you can be comfortable with and let him know. If you would rather not know about, reiterate that to him so he can be careful not to leave on the computer where it can be commonly accessed. What if you wanted to show some funny clip you downloaded to your parents if they happend to stop by or something?!?!
But I totally understand about not wanting it to be apart of your life. I still am a bit repulsed by porn, esp since it always has the type of rear sex I don't like, that's what repulses me more than anything. I wish they could just make it with out that, or with out the nasty camera shots, then I guess I wouldn't mind it so much.
Okay, this is a really strange post. Sorry it's so long. But I felt the same way for a long time. Don't change your convictions for a man though. Evaluate how you feel and if you thinks he has a problem with it or that you find yourself really disturbed by it, I would just make sure you talk to him about it, maybe he would be willing to give it up, or only do certain things. Only look at it online and not bring it home for the store or whatever. It's totally your right to decide if you want porn in your household esp if you ever have children.
Last edited by CherryCrush; 09-13-2006 at 09:16 PM.
Reason: added and spelling
I think porn is one of those things that is ugly, but many people do it and it's not going away. While an occasional peek at it once in a while may not bother me, I've dated a guy who was totally addicted to it and it DID affect our intimate interactions (they never happened, due to his too-frequent release).
I do agree that it can be degrading to women, but I think our mass media does way more for women and body issues than porn does, as mass media shows EVERYBODY what women are "supposed" to look like in commercials, billboards, TV, magazines, etc. At least with porn, you have to seek it out, and trust me - some of the women in those movies are NOT supermodels.
In my past experiences with men and porn has been that they are going to look at it wether you tell them to or not. If you show that it upsets you they are just going to cover their tracks more. I swear, its like in their dna to watch porn so i try not to let it get to me. My husband and i have been together for 5 years, and sometimes he still watches it too, and ive caught him, but ive stopped caring really. Id doesnt bother me anymore like it used to. And i know my husband still loves me, and istnt going to cheat. Honestly id rather have him home watching porn then out with his buddies at a strip club you know what i mean?
I think most made-for-men or made-by-men porn is...honestly...laughable. The faked moans, the pretend orgasms - I mean, come on, how many women really come like that??? It actually cracks me up. As Phantastica said, the mass media is worse, because EVERYONE sees that, and it has a level of credibility that porn doesn't have.
However, I quite like some of the made-by/for-women stuff. Erotic fiction can be beautiful. But that's my opinion.
My boyfriend downloads porn, but then, it's a long-distance relationship, so I don't really care. As long as he pays attention to me when I'm around, I'm happy.
But you are perfectly reasonable to ask him to keep it to himself better, since it does upset you. Stand up for yourself! Glad the discussion with him went well.
Pervy boyfriends... but you guys will understand
Good luck fae, take care of yourself above everything!!
